Gordie asked me to write my faith story, and I have been thinking about how to do it -- and how to do it in a way that would not reveal too many details FRL. I am not sure this is going to be possible, but I will try to post some of my story in this thread as I go along.
But tonight I don't have time, as I am going out of town again! I was supposed to leave Fri but we extended our stay in the beautiful island, and then S13's cold turned ugly and D9's bug bitten leg swelled up like a potato. So we had to delay the next trip, to see my dad (91 years old but fit as a fiddle) and one of my best friends who is like an uncle to my kids in another beautiful place.
And in the mean time, I underwent another huge conversion. Last we heard from Gerda, she was sinking deep into the pit, the mire, the darkness. Today her circumstances are if anything, WEIRDER, but major graces came her way when she figured out how to trust God in this new chapter of her journey yet deeper into the cold dark sunless north.
Also because our trip was delayed, I had to be here with my H. Now this seemed unthinkable, unbearable, death-causing just a couple of days ago. First day was the one you read about in last thread, that was quicksand, and you all came to my rescue with ropes and other life saving devices. Second day I was barely reviving, but now on day three, a couple of masses and rosaries and talks with priests and revelations later, I am cheerful and chipper and confident and sure. That's some serious grace! Not that the waves don't wash over me at times,but overall I understand now that I do not have to be enslaved by bitterness, anger, fear, etc. I can keep being a light and in and of the light and stay close to God even if my H goes through with this, even if he never comes back, even if he tries to take everything from us. I can see now that he is the slave and the sad one, and that nothing he does can take away the joy I have in what God has made me and what he plans for me.
Once I had this faith, trust, courage, clarity, I was able to be in the house with him and not freak out. And incredibly, dude is acting the same as before he hired a lawyer who sent me a letter to announce the intention to "resolve this matter quickly and amicably." For example, he made steak yesterday and made me a plate with carefully cut slices. (I didn't sit at the table, pretended I was in the middle of something.) He sort of fixed the front door and talked about one or two other things that were issues in the house though still not doing much of anything about it. He looks weird and haunted at all times, but he sort of talks to me. And HE STILL ASKS ME FOR MONEY.
I have to go to sleep or I will never be able to do the drive tomorrow. My car also is unlikely to make it. But onward and upward, away from the dark tundra for a few days of warmth.
Last edited by Gerda; 08/06/1805:02 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Please do not feel pressured to share more than you wish
I would not want you to compromise your anonymity
So feel free not to write about it
Here is what I imagine
Maybe you grew up with religion or maybe not
Adulthood came and religion took a back seat or was not in the car at all
And then you had your bomb drop
And you started your own LBS journey
Questioning what you really believed
And spent time soul searching
And in that space God intervened directly or through a friend
And for the first time you really heard
And your world changed
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
He looks weird and haunted at all times, but he sort of talks to me. And HE STILL ASKS ME FOR MONEY.
Explain to me, why are you giving him money? And what is he spending it on?
I agree with a previous poster, you need legal advice, there's a possibility he may file for alimony/spousal support from you. Be careful about setting any financial precedents which could be looked at as an expectation during divorce..
Gerda, I'm sorry I missed you over the weekend. I'm glad our friends were around to help in your time of need. I'm also glad that you are doing better today.
In the time leading up to my Ws move she loosened up a little around the house. For my W, I think it was because before she decided to move she felt trapped with a bunch of built up pressure. Not sure why they feel that way, but its part of the MLC script. Once she decided to move, she had a PLAN. There was light at the end of the tunnel and some of that "pressure" was lifted. That allowed her to act a little more comfortable and nice. To me this seemed really weird because she seemed happier than she had in months and..and she was in the middle of splitting us up. I don't know for certain if that is actually the explanation for it, nor do I know if thats whats up with your H...but it sounds familiar. It will not make them feel better in the long run, but having a plan to alleviate your unhappiness can seem like a load off. There have been 2 major times that my W really seemed to want to fix things between us, only to revert back to unhappiness/MLC stuff after about a week. Later when I had asked her about it and what happened, she said that she felt like she had a plan and it all made sense at the time. Just food for thought...
Splitting up the family is never something that sounds like a good idea, but I think it would do you some good to live without H for a bit. It has taken me 2 months of my W being gone, but I am now starting to normalize/stabilize a little. I am still having some sown days here and there, but nothing compared to before. Your H having some time away may do good for him. Well, it will really be bad for him, but it might send him the direction he needs to go to come out of this. And remember Gerda, divorce is a piece of paper. It will definitely feel like more than that, but that is all it really is. Even if you do end up with a divorce, that does not mean that its the end of everything. I know you have read all over the forums about people getting set up for D but then never going through with it. And then other stories about people getting a D and then remarrying later. If it comes to D, which it may not, that doesn't necessarily mean anything so just keep thinking about you and the kiddos and keep him out of your thoughts for now. What will be will be...and you will be ok.
Thank you so much, sjohn and dnj. sjohn, you are right, that does sound familiar, and I really appreciate your words about what is and isn't final and totally agree with you. His politeness may also just be part of his odd eastern philosophy-influenced floating ideas that he just doing what he needs to do to self-actualize even while he loves everyone in the world. In between I know he is saying a lot of weird stuff to my kids about me and our finances, but I have also noticed that, at least with my son, they can see through most of that and it just makes them think he is crazy rather than turning against me.
My H has no income at all for at least the next month, and after that barely enough to live on, so I do not see him leaving anytime soon. I think he is planning to stay in our house through all of this. I don't think he understands how long a splitting of assets would take or that there is no way for me to buy him out of our house except through selling it. Going through the process may be the only way he will be able to see it -- but it might also only make him more angry at me for blocking him from the life he wants. It is a rock and hard place as far as that is concerned. I would actually like to give him the full freedom he desires by funding his departure and appearing to give way on those desires but I just don't have a way to do that. And therefore I am going to wait on God to figure that one out and not try to figure it out here or in my own mind.
My S has totally changed and is no longer rageful at me, he is talking to me all the time and very loving but is now facing the reality of what is happening and his feelings so he is deeply depressed. Also told me he never wants to see his father again and doesn't want to return home (we are at a friend's right now). He did finally agree to go to therapy.
I trust God and his plan for me and know he has something in mind that I can't fathom. I am already realizing the grace of some patterns in what has happened to me in the last 5 years that prepared me to handle this without fear. I am able to support and protect my kids and I am not worried about any of the things KML and others have posted about as far as D; I am way more afraid of the slavery of being driven by anger or fear -- and of my children witnessing that as I had to witness my mother doing that in her D -- as I choose my actions in the days to come. I have courage and I will keep walking in faith. In fact I am thinking sometimes that posting here is pulling my energy into the wrong direction but I do love having those friends here who understand not only MLC but also seem to understand and support my vision for my life with my kids.
I accept that a D would end with me losing a lot. I will still have enough for me and my kids but I will no longer have my house/business anymore, there is no way around that. I have read about how it works in my state, it is not going to be hunky dory for me. I accept that, will do what I can without getting angry/bitter/fearful.
sjohn, if you remember our discussion about women needing financial security and what I have said about the joy of feeling taken care of by a man -- well, that is my cross right now, I have the opposite of that and have for many years. I accepted the rejection long ago and I accepted the injustice and difficulty of having to provide materially for everything myself. It is hard to now have to give up still more. But far worse is the slavery of fear and anger, so I look forward to whatever God has in store for me.
Love to all.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
It took my w going through the d process before she would admit to its consequences
That we would not be best friends and it would affect the kids and we would both have less money
I thought this was obvious but it was not to her and she had to see it for herself
Re women and money
Your comments make me think about w
She was a sahm and I made the money
She never wanted for anything
But in her mind she came to see this as imprisonment
She did not want to be dependent on me
Just seems that a person in crisis can see any situation as bad
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Your h may not have a bit of money, but if he really wants to leave, he will find a way to do so. If the urge is strong enough, he will do so and I wouldn't be surprised if he saw a lawyer and requested alimony. When people are desperate, they do desperate things and do not think rationally.
I would continue as you have been, i.e., listen, validate and keep an eye on your assets, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
