WAS or WHAT 11

[roist]

WAS or What 10

I just reread my first post of my previous thread and apart from some small modifications I could use it to start this thread. That says a lot in itself!!

Thanks SBJ and Gordie for your ongoing support and prayers

Gordie, i don't feel more trapped than before. I guess that because I am focusing on everything except my W that I can readily see a more fulfilling life without our poor interactions daily. In essencei sense that I have two paths ahead of me.
1. A better life with W
2. A better life without W.
I still have a preference for #1 but #2 is highly appealing too.

Another aspect of this concept is that I have greater self worth. I have little interest in spending time with people that don't want to or those that don't treat me right. I don't get upset of a friend doesn't reply to an invitation but I won't continue inviting him or her if that happens. I know W and kids are exceptions but anyone ANYONE else I could walk away from if mistreated. Don't worry I don't let kids and W mistreat me either.

My situation is complex with.many intertwining subtle factors that it isn't easy outline in a few words, but I hope that answered your question.

To briefly explain something else I stated yesterday about mini improvements observed. Following the guidelines in DB about setting mini objectives that if achieved show progress towards a main DB objective.WWell I have noticed a few of these, so there has been some progress.

However in recent months I have been less interested in.spending poor quality time with W nor putting in any effort to improve that time. The result has been less communication and less time together. I don't like that as it is the opposite of one of my goals BUT it has freed me up more quality ME time. Plus it is apparent she wants more. She seems frustrated at not doing more together and creates more opportunities for us to do stuff together. If I walk away due to not being interested in some poor behaviour or treatment more often than not she'll initiate something to break the ice. Whereas that is positive and not new, it never goes beyond restoring the status quo. I guess she doesn't want things to get worse but not ready to work towards making it better.

There are some other aspects to W that appear better. I imagine IS will be the last part to improve but if other stuff is going better within her, maybe that will lead her there.

I'll talk about me in a later post. Until then welcome to my latest thread. Best wishes

[roist]

I said recently that I have continued changing and progressing towards different goals.

I have s small group of guy friends that I do stuff regularly with. Sometimes individually, other times with the group and occasionally with our families. I also have made some new friends through other activities and work. Do my social network is expanding.

I am in the process of changing work/jobs which is a big change. Last year I listed about 10 aspects I would like if I changed job. This one hit all 10. That's awesome! There are other criteria that mean it isn't
perfect but it's pretty close. My main reason to change is to have a decent and especially a regular paycheck every month.

Just back from holidays. We went to my home country and even visited some parts that I have never been to. That was cool. Credit to my W who took care of finding accommodation etc
Some great places.

I still go to meditation group weekly and really enjoy the group there. Signed up again for next year.

About six months ago I thanked my W for all she does for me and kids st home. I listed specific examples.since there has been an increase in those mentioned!!

At this stage I am approaching my fourth year anniversary of this crisis.
During the earlier days I went through some bad times....rreally bad. I have suffered the loss of my W and my M. It easmore painful than the months when my dad was dying of cancer and that was tough. My point being that my grieving for my M is done even if we are still together. I am sure that separating or D would not be smooth sailing nut I am confident I won't fall apart again. For me it is already done. A part from some logistical shitte, I don't fear that. It takes time to get to that place but it is liberating.

Over the last few months I have drafted a letter to W to state I am not interested in living this way much longer.it is more elaborated than that and isn't an ultimatum nor threat. Just stating how it is for me. I may or may not give it to her, but it is almost ready if I decide to go down that road. "Be prepared" as they day in the boy scouts!!


Got to go earn some money. I imagine that I will check in to the forum for the next week or so and then reconcentrate on other stuff. This is no reflection on you guys or this place just me prioritising my time.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Roist

You have been at this for four long years

I think that process of mourning what was your M is healthy and wonderful

You sound at peace within yourself

Congratulations on the new job

Re that letter

I understand the sentiment

What makes you want or not want to give it

Is it for you or for her

What does it say that you have not already said

What do you hope to achieve

Rooting for you whatever you choose

[roist]

Hi G

Sooner or later I will decide that I will no longer live like this. Actually I have decided that I will not live this way indefinitely. I just haven't put any timeframe onto it. I trust I will know when I am there. No hurry. But ultimately it will come if things continue as is.

The letter is for me and has no intended objective for W except to let her know I am at a turning point. Michelle recommends that it one of her books. Raise the status level to maximum defcon level before walking away. I think that is fair.

Thanks for your interest

[roist]

If I was advising myself as I would others here I would be telling myself to use those opportunities to connect more effectively. But I seem to be placing on hold such stuff. Maybe I just can't focus on the "mundane" issues before I know whether we will stay together or moreso whether I want to continue living disconnected. I do know that I could do so and my W is not going anywhere fast (though as we see here that can change quickly).

Fundamentally I want what I always wanted since coming here first. To reconnect with my W. But the status quo is bareable for her and me.


I think that my W is seeing from my consistent actions that our situation as it is doesn't interest me. That is what my previously mentioned letter was about too.

But recently I have been less present in some aspects of parenting too. Nothing major bit still not part of the new me that I have been working towards. So my situation is still affecting/influencing me despite being detached. My W has mentioned this too but instead of reacting with validation and good husbandly attitude, I wasn't able yo put aside my "not like this" mentality

Whereas part of me believes I am still on the best path and that for now connection isn't possible, I am curious how others read this.

[Gordie]

Roist

To me you sound a little depressed especially the part about parenting

Not depressed in a clinical sense but lacking in motivation and energy and engagement

I know that feeling and think you and Mach1 previously advised when I felt that way

It was okay and understandable because you have been living under a prolonged period of stress

And that during these times maybe you just need a break from the situation

Maybe a solo vacaton or just a change of scenery and quiet for a day can do wonders to clear the mind

Or maybe a longer a week or a month where you say I am not going to DB or try to be a certain way

I am just going to be and let yourself recharge and reset before making any big decisions

[roist]

Thanks for the input. I more or less already do that. I'll just take out my worn patience shovel and keep digging until I decide if I want to order a new one or not!

I came back here as sometimes posting clears my thinking. Probably due to having to formulate my thoughts before writing. But maybe my threads can serve to show others how long this process is and to show that limbo is survivable.

Best wishes everyone

[roist]

Gordie. Just a word to say that you were right about taking a step back. Apparently that it exactly what I was doing and why I came back here. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees!! I can now see the forest and the huge mountain range it covers and more importantly my path.

I had slipped into a helpless victim mentality briefly forgetting that I am where I am at because or my decisions and especially my situation continues because I choose this path. It's a tough path that every now and again wears me down. I felt lost largely due to being disappointed about my attitude/mood. I wasn't being who I am. I acted differently because she didn't deserve more/better! It's an understandable sentiment but one that isn't serving me well.

Yesterday I read an article about generosity means loving a spouse when they least deserve it. It means taking off the score keeping glasses. I have in the past posted on my own and especially on others threads about how we should act in accordance to our own guidelines, ambitions and integrity. Not in reaction to how we are treated. This rang a bell.with me as before I spent a long time working out who I wanted to be and working towards this. I got hung up with my thinking of "not like this"and wasn't acting how I want to. That was my frustration more so than my situation.

I reread my last thread which helped me figure out this. Maybe I should revise all my threads to see what other god stuff I have forgotten!

Anyway I am feeling better. Thanks for reading

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Roist

Hahaha

So true

That is why I was repeating advice you and others had previously given to me

Glad you are feeling better

Yes you and Ginger always remind me that I do have a say in this

That we can choose

And we are not powerless victims

Even if we feel like it sometimes

[sjohns6]

Glad to hear that taking a step back helped. I am finding that I need to do that all the time. What you wrote recently about the letter to your W and the part about parenting really struck home with me as I have felt that recently too. There have been a few days in the previous weeks that I have struggled with the parenting aspect. I have this vision of being the perfect parent in Ws absence and the kids and I have grown really close. Yet, on a few occasions I have struggled with being present with them. Forcing myself to engage with them when all I felt like doing was disappearing in to a back room and zoning out. Then I felt bad for feeling that way. I realized that on those days I was feeling a little depressed and exhausted...and like you described, being the victim. Understanding that is why I felt that way helped a lot.

Again, glad you are feeling better.