Wlf...well first I had to come up with a new thread title for my sitch as my newbie status is long since gone!
and then, well once I had the new thread created there really was not anything new for me to post about. kinda that restless urge to post I just don't feel that as much anymore. if I read back over the last few great comments from some of the vets here, I guess I'm finally at the "it is what it is" point. I say a prayer for my wife and my D and our family each morning, night...heck whenever the feeling hits me. I've never been a heavy prayer so I actually pray to be forgiven for my prayers in case I ramble and/or don't make alot of sense. I do pray for God to find a way into my wife's heart, to protect and look after my D and I do still pray that by some miracle our family might yet be made whole again, BUT at the same time I accept God's will be done in the next breath. I've come along way in freeing myself of the "why/what" in regards to W's feelings. No point in trying so instead I try to occupy myself with thoughts of my present and my immediate future. if D happens, it happens..as has been pointed out several times by folks here for all intents I've been living the D'd life for almost half a year anyway and the MR ended when she left. it's funny to me how the biggest challenge I know of in our MR was the belief we were "roommates" and yet how so many friends of mine, men and women have said they all went through that challenge when their kids were newborn/young and yet worked through it.
my day to day without D is good, not spectacular nor how I want it, but I am doing just fine by myself. that in itself to me is great progress. these days looking back to the first 3 months post BD is like a blur/fog and I don't honestly know how I got through it, but here I am AND I'm doing ok going forward. when I reflect back on 2018..surreal feeling how completely my life has changed and how quickly the passage of time.
I love her, I miss her those are facts. The other fact is they don't matter if W doesn't feel the same way. That simple utterly devastating reality when it hits you...I feel more and more like I'm accepting of it. If there has been OM/EA/PA and by some miracle W made actions towards wanting to R, no idea how I'd feel to be honest. One thing I've had much time to learn from the vets here is how long and fraught with peril R could be. best I can say is that I'm pretty solidly stable these days, D and I have a great time when together and I just have to see what the future has in store for my sitch.
Prayers for you in your sitch. I hope you can continue to find peace, comfort and hope in this tough time we're both going through!
B.....early on I prayed as well, felt the same as you....not great but I could get through the day. Gradually my emotions stabilized, my prayers changed from hoping she could find her way back to just wanting peace inside myself. Eventually you start to accept, let go, and begin to make the shift. Your focus will start to change and then you start playing the hand you were dealt as shitty as it might be. There are still times were I shake my head in wonder of what happened and what could have been. I know over time those feelings will subside and eventually there will be no connection between us other than our children. Eventually you will accept you learn there is no other choice. Just continue to circle the wagons around yourself for protection, learn, grow and just know that it will get better but you do have to walk through the pain first.
thank you arsh and joseph for your encouraging words. this morning the fact that we have never talked on the phone or in person...i'm thinking to myself, I could call her...of course then I catch myself knowing full well it would be pursuit and more importantly "dude what would you even say to her if you did?" so my logical mind prevails over my emotions.
the complete silence is deafening and as the time goes, every so often my pre-DB mind comes around with anxiety and says "hey the time is passing, you better do something, longer this goes, less chance she comes back" and yet then my post-DB mind will kick in and say "you know nothing you can say/do is going to impact her right? only she can make it happen and the more time she has alone, the better chance you have that she'll sort herself out and I return to normal feelings.
it is H.A.R.D. to suppress your desire for pursuit. I must continue to just have hope that for whatever reason I'm going through this somewhere/somehow/someday I'll be happy again. maybe W comes around/back someday or someone else awaits me. it's just having something in your life you valued so much, held so precious (even if it was perhaps you that totally screwed it up) and now it's seemingly ripped away forever with no chance/hope of restoration. and for the LBS it is almost nigh impossible to understand/justify/accept how the person they loved so much just completely disappears within their own body. the trauma for the LBS honestly I wonder...once/if their spouse goes wayward if they should EVER consider taking them back simply as a matter of self preservation. to be clear this waywardness is terrible for both the person who leaves and the person who's left. my understanding of it and the hurt that men and women can inflict on each other...has really sobered me.
I don't say this enough and I'm not great at updating everyone's sitches, but I pray for you all regularly. If my prayers in some way could help assauge the mountains of despair and pain I read about on here daily, then no matter the outcome of my sitch, I'm going in the right direction in life.
Joesph you are dead on. Pray for strength, wisdom and guidance to handle whatever arises in your sitch. I too early on prayed for my W to come to her senses. But then I realized that God doesn't change people's minds. That is what free will is about. He sometimes will present them with challenges that might open their eyes. But all of that is out of my hands. So I too switched to praying for strength, wisdom and guidance......and then I found this forum.
God's providence is amazing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Journaling...will be happy to see D after daycare today. I love having her with me, but at the same time feel terrible taking her from W. Have to keep reminding myself this wasn't my choice.
I read the 5 love languages this weekend and watched an hour+ video from the author. Learned alot. I scored a tie for Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. Best guess I imagine Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch are the top 3 for W. Quality Time and Physical Touch we both completely let slide post-D, equal blame and I would say the cause for our S. Would be great if we could ever work on those together, but given current circumstances it doesn't seem likely.
I continue to miss her greatly and emotionally my desire to contact her, see her, hear her voice is off the charts, but...the rational part of me continues to prevail so I stay silent to give her the time and space she wanted. Had a great weekend out GAL'ing. I know I'll be fine if it comes to D, it just continues to be so very hard to understand how W could take off without any attempt at R. I know we had our problems, in fact in the video from the author of the 5LLs explains our exact sitch AND how to get through it, but I guess no matter I'm too late.
My gut still tells me that there's OM even though I have no proof. My gut feel matches up with many of the other sitchs I've read here where the W is done. Believing that to be the reality has enabled me to push forward in a life without her. Would it be a dealbreaker for me, currently I live with the belief it would be so that is why I'm taking to my post-W world quite well. If W came to me, disclosed whatever has happened and wanted to work on our R again...no idea how I would feel nor what I would do. For now ignorance is bliss and I live to enjoy the cards the good Lord has dealt me. All I can do.
Hope all of you have a good week, wishing you nothing but positive developments in each of your sitchs.
Good to hear that you are pushing forward and doing well with getting on with your own life. I also listened to the 5 Love Languages and found it really painful given our current sitches. Perhaps it will be helpful in a future relationship.
Keep GALing, and enjoy the precious time you spend with your D.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
thanks Davide...I am doing good GAL wise, I think the main reason being simply that this wasn't my choice and therefore, since I have no choice then only thing I can do is move on along. there's a video from a preacher online who talks about making do on broken pieces that I listen to frequently. for whatever reason it resonates with me and helps get me by.
can't recall the last time I saw/heard from W, I guess that mean's my sitch is hopeless, but folks say it's when you quit that they know. no sure if that will be the case in my sitch, but again since I know I have no option but to move on, I move on...simple self-preservation thing. it is VERY hard to not want to reach out as it completely feels like I'm sabotaging any chance my sitch has, but as always when I get to what would I say if I did, it would come back to pursuit and I've already been down that path a few times with zero success. I don't have to stop loving her and trust me my feelings are still very strong for her, but only thing I know I can do is leave her to her own whatever and take it one day at a time. my family and friends will get me through no matter what happens.
