I will be signing the divorce papers within the next week. Still no contact from my W. I realize I have to let her go and find whatever she thinks she is looking for if there is any hope for a R down the road.
Question for those that have been served and signed the papers, did you reach out to your ex after the divorce with any communication, or did you just let it be and remain dark? Assuming the latter, but just wondering if there is anything I should do. I am really not angry at my wife. I just feel bad for her and the decisions she is making both in terms of our M as well as her career. If I could let her know anything after this, it's that I truly do forgive her.
Also, find it interesting what Steve mentioned in his new thread regarding Christian LBSs that want to bring their wife's sin to the church. In my case, I was thinking about reaching out to her pastor. Not to call out her sins, but more so to see if he would intercede to try to save our marriage. My Brother wants me to do this so I can say at the end of the day I tried everything and followed scripture (Matthew 18), but the way I see it, I want to take whatever steps necessary to not push my STBX furthe away.
Then again, I haven't spoken with my wife in 2.5 months, and wasn't even aware she had filed. I had the pleasant surprise of opening the front door and being served without notice, which just falls in line with my STBX's conflict avoidance.
Anyone have any insight or advice? I want to keep hope that there could be something down the road, but I'm not going to sit back and wait for her.
One oft the things I have learned is that although I went dark and didn't initiate conversations with my STBX, because I was still hanging onto the marriage, I hadn't fully detached. The last 2.5 months, I fully believed our marriage was coming to an end, and surprisingly, I have been able to focus on changing myself for me, and not my STBX. I have learned more in the last 2.5 months than the prior 7.5 months of this separation. I've come to recognize that my parents truly never validated my feelings, and were somewhat emotionally empty beings when I grew up. I'm the opposite in a lot of ways, but I realized that I never truly learned how to validate feelings, and unfortunately for my wife, I was doing this unintentionally. That's a hard pill to swallow. I have to remind myself that this is my failure to own, but also, STBX's failure was to not speak up about things that bothered her. I contributed to the downfall of our marriage, but I didn't cause her to leave. That is on her 100%.
FF, I would recommend not getting her Pastor involved. For many of the reasons I've given before. But also because it has a very low likelihood of doing anything except making her avoid her Pastor (IE attend another church, etc).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks, Steve. One of the reasons it was recommended I do it was also to say that I did everything in my power to get her back. I feel I have done enough to have no regrets at the end of the day, so I won't do this.
Another thing i realized. If it took me letting go to truly self-reflect on an even deeper level than I had months ago, I imagine my W will only be able to do this once she truly feels the loss of this marriage (after divorce). Not saying she will ever come back, but I'm sure it will hit her a lot harder than me once it goes through. I guess that's the advantage of being the LBS (if there is one). I am the one to struggle on the front end for the last 10 months, but I have to imagine this will weigh on her heavily after the D. I'm sure I will have my share of struggles after everything goes through, but to be able to say I did everything possible to reconcile will surely make my road on this journey less of a burden than what my W is going to feel.
Our attorneys are editting a small part of the paperwork that had to do more with jurisdiction, so I expect to have the revised papers in the next day or two. I have made the decision to go ahead and sign. I am hoping this is pushed through the court system quickly, as I would love to have a clean slate at the beginning of 2019. Overall, I am doing dang good. Still miss my wife from time to time, but that is mostly because I imagine the W I knew before BD, not the person that exists currently.
Haven't talked with her in nearly 3 months, and given the conflict avoidance with her and her familty, I don't expect to hear anything, potentially ever. To the guys and gals still struggling with detaching, you will know once you are fully detached. One of my friends told me that my W changed her name back to her maiden name on social media (I am no longer on social media and don't think I ever will be - I highly recommend this for the LBS), and it literally had no impact on me (I also had to tell my friend to keep it to himself next time). Prior to my growth, I was somewhat of a homebody at times. Part of my 180s (for myself), was to accept any invite that is thrown my way, regardless if it is something I normally enjoy. This has allowed me to get out of the house 5 days out of the week to GAL, which has helped tremendously.
Do I still struggle with loneliness? Absolutely. That's the worst part. Not having the one you love next to you to snuggle with in bed at the end of the night is really hard. That's when I pull out my Bible and get into the word, knowing that I am not alone.
There is part of me that wishes I never had to go through something like this. It has been traumatic to say the least. But the other part of me is somewhat glad that I did. I have learned so much about myself, and I feel like I am extremely battle tested. Little things that used to stress me out are now small inconveniences. We all need to fail from time to time. It's a humbling experience that allows us to self-reflect.
The way I see it in my sitch, my W saw the worst of me (health issues, depression, etc.), and unfortunately for her, she is going to miss out on seeing the best of me. I'm sure my future partner will be very appreciative of her for leaving a good man and husband.
It's likely that your pastor may want to help and talk to you guys if she is willing to talk, but it doesn't seem like that is the case. You never know what she is thinking or going through, so just be strong and carry on brother. Her conflict avoidance is nothing you can do anything about, so don't focus any energy on that. If you find yourself dwelling on it, go for a run or do something.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks, Ovr. Honestly, I am doing quite well. My family and friends are seeing the new and improved FF, and I have finally gotten my confidence and self-esteem back.
Regarding the pastor, I had actually met with the one that married us. This was probably 6 months ago. I asked for his help and because of some unqiue dynamics that I can't get into, he decided to do nothing. I then decided to join a different church, as his leadership was weak.
The thing is, even if I got the pastor where she is involved, I can guarantee you she would not meet with him. She is actually not even going to that church anymore, which makes sense as she is avoiding it (conflict avoidance again).
I feel comfortable knowing that I tried everything in my power to save our marriage, but as another counselor that I met with up in her state for joint counseling said, she never joined the dance. She was looking for small little things she could use to get out of the marriage so she could be back with her family. There is a lot of unhealth in her family relationships, and I honestly think there is something in my wife's past that she and her family are hiding (potentially abuse).
Back to the pastor, even if he agreed to meet (he wouldn't because he is close with their family), and she agreed to meet (she wouldn't), I can't imagine it would change anything. Like Steve mentioned in prior posts, if anything, it would cause her to become even more angry and resentful. I have to ask myself, is doing this going to allow her to trust me more? The answer is obviously no. I am letting her go. If she wants to talk later on, I would be open to it, but I am going to move on and live my life. Not planning on dating right now, but if something happens organically, I will not be opposed to it. The way I see it, if I can't live alone by myself and have to have a relationship to feel joy and to feel valued, that's extremely codependent, which I have never been.
I know I'll be fine. To be honest, after hanging out with other married couples from my new church, I can see how dysfunctional my wife was when it comes to open and honest communication. This whole group openly talks about their daily struggles. My wife never opened up, as I think her Dad brainwashed her to hide her shortcomings and sins. Not the way it should be in marriage.
Most ministers/pastors/clergy try to stay out of the middle of marital disputes. And it is probably a wise decision. You would probably be surprised about the number of LBSs that come to their minister wanting the minister to "fix" the WAS. That is not something that can be done. As said before, there are no magic bullets to this stuff.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just signed the D paperwork and sent it over to my A. My STBX’s A will be e-filing, so there is potential this will all be done by the end of the year, which would be ideal for a clean slate in 2019 as well as financial savings by not having to file M but separate for taxes in 2019.
Signing the paperwork had no impact on me. Felt like I was signing any other document. Guess I’ve finally dropped the rope, and man, does it feel good. Confidence and self-esteem is back and higher than before BD. Brighter days are ahead for me. My STBX, however, will be a different story. I don’t expect an apology or repentance, but there is a part of me that wants her to crash and burn even though I’ve forgiven her. Even if/when she does, I don’t expect to hear about it. I’m going dark and have no interest in keeping up with her life.
I was thinking about moving my thread to the D but not done section of the forum, but I think it would be best for me at this point to just move on. No point in focusing on my W. If she wants to restore our R some day, I may hear her out, but I know I’ll be fine regardless. Thanks to all for the advice! Means the world to me. I’ll stick around the forum to ensure I am continuing to DB and work on my personal growth. If there are any updates on my sitch, I’ll be sure to provide updates, as I want to pay it forward to the many people still going through this traumatic life experience. I’m actually thankful for the experience as sick is that might be to say... I’ve had so much personal growth the last 11 months.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. No kids, no major financial or time loss, and you don't spend the rest of your life with a "woman" who is still a child and does what her parents tell her to rather than putting her marriage first. You are still quite young and have lots of living left to do. Chalk this one up to a lesson learned. There are 3.5 billion women in the world. Time for a new one. But, no need to rush your selection. Enjoy the experience and choose wisely next time.
