I think it is totally up to you Jlh. I did a bit of both. I found that his clothing in my closet was a trigger for me so I cleared out our MBR of his stuff and left them in bags in our garage. He collected them soon after. Most of the things he wants to take with him are in my garage. He has moved some of it but not all. I've told him he can wait until he buys a house if he wants. Putting his things by the door sends him a clear message that you are on board with giving him space and kind of goes against his accusation that you are holding things up. So do it if that is a message you want to send. I, myself, wasn't thinking about a message when I did it... I was just trying to removed some of the things that were triggering me. Of course, now a closet devoid of his things is also a bit of a trigger but it is one that is rooted in reality and I just need to get used to it.
I know how much all of this hurts. It will lessen over time. (((HUGS)))
Last edited by Cadet; 01/21/1905:22 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Thank you so much for the advice DejaVu, He just makes no sense at all sometimes, saying he wants to go quickly but then leaving behind a lot of important stuff of his. I just don't want to hurt anymore.
I know DB talks about the don't believe what they say and the actions are different from the words, etc, but I am just at a loss to all of this.
A friend thinks that putting his stuff by the door could possibly cause him to wake up a bit, but I don't care about that, I just want to stop hurting and take care of my so I can get up not feeling overwhelmed and sad.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
I am right there with you Jlh. Very much looking forward to the day when he is not the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing when I wake. The sadness and the loss is draining, to say the least. Your H sounds a bit more confused than mine in terms of what he wants. If I were you, I would probably pack up some of his things...at the very least, for my own piece of mind. It helps with the moving forward process, I think.
Go dark as much as you can (tough, I know, with kids) and keep the focus on you and your S. Set small goals for yourself. Practice mindfulness and start to build a PMA. Forgive yourself for not being PERFECT. No one is...least of all our WAHs. Also...remember this is not about you. Given all of the stressors your H had undergone just prior to BD, I would say this is definitely about him. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The weak just run away and leave other people to pick up the pieces. You, Jlh, are tough. Don't ever forget that!!!
So he says he's done and wants a quick divorce yet wont collect his things saying it makes him feel bad to do it. Should I put his things by the door to take the next time he comes to get our son or just let them be and he can get them?
I agree with DV, gather it all up and get it out of your face! You don't necessarily have to leave it on the porch or anything, but at least if you box it up and put it in a remote corner somewhere then it's not a constant reminder. I had to take all the pictures down after my ex left, just couldn't tolerate the constant reminders looking around the house. I also did some rearranging and painting, I didn't like gut the house or anything but did just enough to make it feel less like "our" house and more like "my" house.
Very much looking forward to the day when he is not the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing when I wake. The sadness and the loss is draining, to say the least.
You both will get there. It won't happen fast and won't happen as fast as you want, but it will happen! It happens so gradually that you don't even realize it until you start to see the old triggers are gone. It's true what they say about time healing wounds. Now if only someone could give us a FF button ;-)
Last edited by Cadet; 01/21/1907:51 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
