Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
J
Jlh Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
I'll admit the holiday season has me down this year. I'm trying to keep a happy face but it's rough with all of the stress. H comes over and I catch him just staring at me, but when I look over he looks away, doesn't say much and heads out. He always says, "Call if you need anything" which I want to shout, "You left me, how can you say that so casually!" but I don't. We have long quiet pauses on the phone after he talks to our son and I take the phone back to ask a quick question regarding something important for our son or the house. I end the calls first though always. I have a lot going on lately to keep my mind busy and work is busy so that helps a lot.


Together for 13 years, married for 8.
H is 46
I'm 40
S is 6
Bombdrop in April 2018
Still in limbo as of 2019
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
J
Jlh Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
Well I survived the holidays alone (as far as marriage). I had a great time with my kiddo and connected with friends and family near and far and it was nice to talk and laugh. I like my job and have fun laughing with everyone while we work.

I noticed the more I look happy, the more H looks miserable. He's gained weight, looks a bit unkempt, and sad. I try not to focus too much on him when he's nice to me and I've done some home repair stuff around the house and it feels good to fix things on my own. H was impressed with some things, yet had a sad look and attitude when he found out that my son and I did a LOT of holiday things together. I wanted to say, "Well life didn't stop when you left the house, dude. It hurts but we're moving forward." I caught him checking out my boobs and almost laughed.

But anyway, I did okay this holiday season. I didn't feel the romantic love but I certainly felt the friends and family love. My son and I have a new bedtime routine which involves him cuddling with me while we watch some cooking and baking videos, nice and calming. He's starting to like to help me cook and bake and he's pretty good at it!

I was so sheltered for years that some things are confusing me like tax stuff coming up and whatnot but its not like I cant ask for help with that. I still wonder sometimes about H's behaviors but I try to push that aside harder and not worry about it. A friend told me that the fact that he looks miserable means that this is not a me issue, its a him issue. For a long time I thought I did something wrong, but it seems more like he has personal things. I have my own too but I'm working on them and it feels good to be less angry, more happy, and I love to do house repair stuff I found, plus I found myself again regarding old likes and dislikes that I kind of pushed aside when I got married and had our son.

Anyway, that's it for now. Have a happy new year everyone and be safe!


Together for 13 years, married for 8.
H is 46
I'm 40
S is 6
Bombdrop in April 2018
Still in limbo as of 2019
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
J
Jlh Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
Well my kiddo is asking more and more where his daddy is. I'm not pleased that he looks sad now asking. I'm not sure what to say to him. H only contacts him on the two days a week that he wanted in the evenings to see him and the every other weekend. I've told him that our son enjoys him calling him but H says that he is just "bothering us" by calling. I have never said or done anything to make him feel he is bothering his son by calling him. I shouldn't be surprised since the guy acts freaked out to come into the house.

His aunt talked to me and says it sounds like a midlife thing and to hang in there and be patient. Meanwhile I see the lawyer tomorrow to go over some D plans from the other attorney's side.

I work hard for me and kiddo now, I do most of the child raising, the IEP things for him and his lessons in school, meanwhile H is just off doing whatever in his apartment with his off again on again friendliness. I'm just so tired at this point. I'm looking into single parent of special needs kid groups to talk. I'm so far away from my family with little support here in another state. It's just exhausting doing this alone for the most part and he says he wont sign off on anything for me to take my son with me to my home state where I can be with family and friends again.


Together for 13 years, married for 8.
H is 46
I'm 40
S is 6
Bombdrop in April 2018
Still in limbo as of 2019
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
J
Jlh Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
I know nobody really reads my tale much and post mostly to journal but, I have news. I had prepared for it but it still stings a little. H says that he is fed up with waiting for my lawyer to discuss things with his lawyer. He says that he and his own lawyer feel that mine is stalling and they are going to go ahead and just file for D separately. He says to expect the papers delivered or mailed soon.

He's been upset lately because our son tells him he wants to come home to me about an hour after he brings him to his apartment. I can sort of see why as they don't do too much together other than go grocery shopping now that it's too cold to go out and swim or go to the park.

I have a lot to do now. My family is out of state where I'd get the most support as I have no family up here and my close friends are back home as well. He says he won't sign off on our son coming with me. I have so much to do yet during our talk he was only talking about him him him, how much his attorney costs, money issues, etc.

Meanwhile I have money issues of my own, I was a SAHM for years and stay at home wife before that Im just now back in the workforce part time for work and the other time to care for our autistic son. Im struggling and doing the best I can but I feel like I'm in quicksand.

It must be nice to just be able to run away and hide in an apartment while your wife takes care of the house, pets, a child, etc.


Together for 13 years, married for 8.
H is 46
I'm 40
S is 6
Bombdrop in April 2018
Still in limbo as of 2019
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Jlh, head up. You will get through this and be better and stronger. Let him go, maybe he'll figure his stuff out at some point, or maybe not. But you will move upward and onward!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
Jlh, I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully you have been mentally preparing for this moment.

Originally Posted by Jlh
I have so much to do yet during our talk he was only talking about him him him, how much his attorney costs, money issues, etc.
You don't have to listen to all of this. You can shut the conversations down and get to doing what you want and need to do.

Quote
Well my kiddo is asking more and more where his daddy is. I'm not pleased that he looks sad now asking. I'm not sure what to say to him. H only contacts him on the two days a week that he wanted in the evenings to see him and the every other weekend.
You need to be as honest as possible without being rude or mean-spirited when talking about his dad. And you don't have to tell him everything. When he's older, he'll figure it out.

It seems like you and your H have fairly regular interaction. What has the tone been for you? Are you conveying anger, bitterness, etc? Are you pursuing or pressuring him at all? What is your mindset on these interactions?

What have you been up to for fun in the evenings and weekends?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
J
Jlh Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
Thanks for the advice and reading, Steve85, and ovrrnbw. I thought I was prepared but it stung, especially after the holidays hit me harder than I had thought they would.

I tell my son the truth, which is daddy is at work, or else at his apartment. I don't know anything else he does so I stick to those and my kiddo seems okay with that.

When H comes over to pick up our son I'm polite and friendly and try to smile. Last night I as in tears as he talked about wanting to hurry this along, I tried to be calm but the tears kept coming although I didn't cry full on. I go by his attitude. He just plain avoids me and/or doesn't greet me some times when he comes to get our boy. I say a hello and keep going about my business as he waits for him. When we text it's about our son usually and I make the effort now not to add a friendly sentence in after the important stuff as he ignores them. He doesn't even call our son in the evenings on days he doesn't have him like he used to claiming it will "bother us".

For fun at night and weekends I am usually exhausted from both jobs and getting ready for the next day so I sit with a book or watch a show or movie or crochet while watching. I chat with friends via text and social sites a lot and have good laughs and such. I do make an effort to put on some makeup and nicer casual clothes when I go out to the bookstore and some errands just to feel good rather than frumpy. I noticed H seems curious when I do that and has some lost looks but I'm doing it for me, not to attract anyone while I'm out.

I'm just having SUCH a hard time processing that my H is gone and doesn't want me. I don't know why and I wish I could detach better but it's so hard. I have that and money issues so I'm just a huge ball of stress. Its like he's trying to move as fast as possible and acts so casual like our past together meant nothing. He was my kindred spirit, lover, best friend and now I'm just trash to him. I talk to my counselor about it because that just guts me.


Together for 13 years, married for 8.
H is 46
I'm 40
S is 6
Bombdrop in April 2018
Still in limbo as of 2019
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Jlh- I know exactly how you are feeling. We are in very similar situations. My H hit me with a SA just before the holidays and we are a week or two away from signing. My H can’t stand to be around me or in our house either. I am trying not to take it personally. He’s that way when I’m not here and his mom is. There are a number of different reasons why that is. I think it just reminds my H of the hurt he has caused and he runs from those feelings. When he needs to text me, his texts are always upbeat with lots of smiley faces. I don’t know if he is trying to make me feel better or himself. It’s pretty irritating though. Blowing up your family is nothing to be smiling about.

I am also having a hard time processing but I feel like I am slowly making my way towards acceptance. My H, too, is in a huge hurry and also gives the impression that our history together and the life we had built means nothing. We were debt-free and looking forward to possibly retiring early. That’s not going to happen now. Once this agreement is signed, we will both be in a lot of debt - him especially as he is dead set on buying a home. This from a guy who HATED house maintenance and would get resentful if you asked him to mow the lawn. Now he’s going to be responsible for a home all on his own. Once the dust settles and reality sets in, he is going to hate it. But...not my problem...anymore. My MIL and I did most of the work around our home anyway so his absence, in that respect, is hardly noticeable. He checked out of his household responsibilities years ago with his fake overnight medical treatments.

Detachment will come, I am told, but it is not a steady march forward. There is cycling and days when you feel strong and others when you can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. Regardless, we have to get out of bed anyway. They aren’t kidding when they refer to it as a rollercoaster ride. It really is. The last few days for me have been really tough as we have been finishing the process of separating finances - bank accounts, credit cards, bills, etc.. H is being really helpful with it - much more helpful than he ever was when we were married. He just left most things up to me and then resented me for it. Kind of a d@mned if you do and d@mned if you don’t situation.

Anyway...bedtime for me. Just wanted to send you some support and let you know that you are definitely not alone. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
J
Jlh Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
It's nuts isn't it, DejaVu6? I'm so sorry you're going through your own D issues with your H. You're lucky your H talks to you about separating your finances and such, mine doesn't talk about this stuff only to tell me that he wants my lawyer to stop stalling and tells me not to worry because the courts will make sure I'm taken care of. (WTH is that even about??)

I notice the more positive I am and friendly, the more he runs. Its very odd.

I can look at photos now where he was happy and positive and then you can see the downhill happening around the time our some was diagnosed with Autism and his family members passed. I know he's messed up and that's part of this but it's just hard to see him hurting inside and not be there for him. My friends tell me I'm too nice and I know I am, it's just hard to let him go. I miss the old H so much and just wish he'd come and fight off this new H who is a jerk but I have to focus on my son and me now.

Keep us posted on your story, ((hugs)) we can do this, we're strong and wont be torn apart by this.


Together for 13 years, married for 8.
H is 46
I'm 40
S is 6
Bombdrop in April 2018
Still in limbo as of 2019
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
J
Jlh Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 141
So he says he's done and wants a quick divorce yet wont collect his things saying it makes him feel bad to do it. Should I put his things by the door to take the next time he comes to get our son or just let them be and he can get them?


Together for 13 years, married for 8.
H is 46
I'm 40
S is 6
Bombdrop in April 2018
Still in limbo as of 2019
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard