Actually guys, I've been thinking...I think I am actually going to dramatically reduce the time WAW and I are spending together. It's really getting old with me. So I think I'm taking a break from her. I'm going to politely decline hanging out with her going forward and just give up. She's had a few months now to get her crap together and my patience x Is fading. As I've always said, I want her...but I don't need her. There's other women I'd rather focus my time on now. So I probably won't be around these parts much going forward. I'm just at the end of my rope with her and if she is still too dense to see my awesomeness then I'm going to spend my time with women who do. This is just becoming redundant with her. If she thinks there's a better guy than me out there then so be it. One day she'll realize she had a rare second chance...and one thing is for sure... she'll regret it one day.
But I'm just done with this nonsense. I'm spinning my wheels and wasting my time. Many have said to treat this as I would any other relationship with a woman...and there's no woman on this planet that I would be this patient with...and I'm not going to be with WAW either. She's had plenty of time to get her head out of her butt. So that's that folks. If anything major happens with her I'll let you guys know. But for now, these little pointless get-togethers of hers are coming to a screeching halt for awhile. She's not going to find a guy as great as me and once again, as before 4 years ago, I'm letting her go try and fail again. Then she'll be back again at some point I'm sure because I am convinced she can't do without me, even if she herself can't see that yet. In the meantime...her little pow-wows with me are getting cut back dramatically.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Thanks Artista but what exactly can do to pull back? I don't text her, I don't call her, I don't pursue her so all I've really got as an option is to tell her no next time she wants to meet. Other than that there's absolutely nothing I am doing to pull back from. I literally do absolutely nothing except answer her invites. So are you saying I should just tell her I can't the next few times she asks?
i think you need to TRULY be too busy the next time she sends an invite... don't fake that you are busy... be busy... have real plans...
Yup. I intend to. She had her chance... several of them now in fact. For now I am done with her. Enough is enough. I'll update you guys as I hear from her but there's not going to be any more meetings for some time.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Bravo! You are a hero and inspiration to all of us!
Haha thanks Steve my friend but how so? I've failed at R LOL! How can that possibly be a positive inspiration to anyone here?
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
IH, I am glad you decided what you did. This last update gave me a feeling in the pit of my stomach, that you had indeed been "friend-zoned". She reminds me a lot of my ex-gf Kayla, that I had an on again, off again thing with for years, and eventually got "friend-zoned". The worst part was that she was dangle "more than friends" in front of my face like a carrot, but I could never get to it. When she sense that I had grew frustrated she'd call me with a "I want to see what is possible for us" line. Then the next time we hung out it was all like your X with you the other night. Telling me about her relationship woes, etc.
I'd get fed up and go dark on her. Sooner or later she'd come back. Years later she would try to rewrite history that I never gave her any signals, and that I missed all of her hints. LOL This is why I am a "get it out in the open and quit wasting time" guy now. I think I would have used the "are you made at me for not staying?" question to ask her what she wanted out of this thing, and where it was headed. Then you would know for sure.
I see a few possibilities for what is going on:
1) She is scared due to your past, and therefore is wanting friendship with you, but nothing more. Maybe that is what all the "not ready for a relationship and sex" thing is about. Part of her wants more but she is afraid you will end up back to where you were 4 years ago again. Kind of a "been there, done that" thing.
2) She keeps mentioning your manhood because she is interested in just purely sex, but she knows you likely want more. That you won't be satisfied with just a sexual relationship while you both are on the prowl for someone else to have something more meaningful with. Like she is hinting hoping you'll propose "lets just have NSA sex just to satisify our needs", because for her to suggest it is just too icky.
3) She is hoping you'll be the aggressor. She is afraid that due to the past you are the one not open to more, so she is holding back, but dropping little hints here or there. The "not ready" talk is a reverse-psychology way of trying to get you to say "look I am not interested in being girlfriends, either this moves into a full blown relationship or it ends". Women can be very subtle. I know you said she would be unequivocal in what she wants because "you know her". But a person can change quite a bit in 4 years. Plus you are remembering her before you already dated, married and divorced one time around.
So I am with you IH, I see two ways forward. My straightforward, "what the heck are we doing here?" approach. Or your just going even more dark on her, and being too busy for her.
The beauty of my approach is there is no doubt once you broach it. The problem with the second is you will always wonder if she would have been open for more but just scared. I lived the second with Kayla (name changed to protect the guilty) for years. It was not fun.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am proud of you because we all come in here codependent weak people with loose to no boundaries. The R is not the point of the game. Loving yourself and being strong and confident with clear boundaries is. Your decision shows self respect power and courage! Plus when faced with the friendzone which is oh so tempting you stuck to your boundary and said Nope not what I want. You chose you. This is empowering and inspirational to watch.
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
Hi It Hurts, it sounds like the meeting on Saturday was pleasant but inconclusive. I can see how you prefer to scale back those meetings. Perhaps your ex-wife was waiting for you to do something that you didn't do, or perhaps you were waiting for her to do something that she didn't do, but given your history together maybe neither are willing to be the one to step forward. It seems you can proceed as planned and reduce the meetings but eventually I'm guessing your ex-wife will question why you don't want to hang out anymore. What will you tell her? I'm just curious because I really don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes.
Hi Steve85, Well my friend my analysis of what's going on with WAW is probably a combination of your bullet points. My take on it based on my interactions with her is this. I think she has not at all ruled out the possibility of R with me, BUT she is not sure because there were parts of herself that she lost when she was with me. She's worked so hard to prove to herself that she can get by on her own steam I think a part of her feels like she'd give some of that progress up if she was to R with me. I think her plan now is pretty much the way I described our sitch to her that Monday when she showed up at my work. That if we end up getting back together, great, if we end up in the sack in a month great...if not that's fine too. I had told her my life is going to lead me to wherever I'm supposed to be and I'm just going with it. So I think that's where she's at...that we will see what happens. So I do not believe she herself even knows what will end up happening with us...so she's playing the friend card for now as a way to get me back in her life.
Now I probably should have mentioned this in my previous post but for whatever reason...I don't think she really was on a date tha night before we met up. It sounded like a fabricated story to me for some reason...generic details, etc. I just remember thinking to myself as she was telling me how bad it was that this story isn't true and she's trying to get my good or something. So I am not really confident that date she described really even happened. I can't explain it but I'm sure all of you have been in a similar situation...where someone is telling you a story and for whatever reason your gut tells you it's not true as you listen. That's how that felt to me. Why she would make up a story like that is unknown but I feel like it was a fabrication. However in either case this had no bearing on my decision but I thought I'd share that with you.
So I think in WAW's head he wants to take it slow with a friendship and see what is going to happen. The problem here become me as I have run out of patience. I personally have not seen enough progression to stay the current course so I'm not wasting any more time. She either has to pick up the pace here or definitively decide to keep dating stooges who will never be as good as me. But this last visit, for whatever reason, is the final straw with me. I think she needs to be reminded of life without me in it again...she's gotten too comfortable with me kicking around again. She's admitted during her years in Florida that she stalked me, she's admitted she asked people about me, she's admitted I appeared in her dreams quite often, she's admitted she missed our sex, she's admitted she's kept in contact with a few of my family members. All of these things tell me that her time in Florida wasn't as me-free as she probably intended it to be when she left. That tells me a lot. That tells me she hadn't come to terms with her feelings for me, that she had unresolved feelings. Now I didn't stalk her at all... didn't keep tabs, etc. One because DBing forbids that but two because I just didn't see a reason for it. She was gone and that was that. So I truly don't believe she can survive without me in her life...I don't. She's made that clear since she came back around...which coincidentally was right after my serious relationship with Mary ended. All of this adds up to NOT someone wanting an admitted temporary friendship...what it does add up to is a woman who clearly needs her ex in her life. So for now I step away a bit. WAW needs to be reminded of what life was like without me...what it was like to dream about me, what it was like to have to stalk me, etc. I believe she's still in love with me deep down inside her. However I have no interest whatsoever being an archaeologist and digging for those feelings anymore. She needs to do that on her own. She knows full well she will never have with some other dude what she had with me. She knows I'm a rare breed and she knows my value as it compares to her parade of stooges she was dating. So that's pretty much my take on it Steve my friend.
Hi Ste7e, Oh well that makes sense I guess. Yeah I don't need her. That's where that comes from. Not to boast but women love me. So dropping WAW like a prom dress is not an issue. Mainly because I am so, so confident that she'll come sniffing around again soon. I am 100 percent convinced she will somehow keep squirming back somehow. I even knew over the 4 years that she'd be the one to eventually give in and contact me. So I think that's what you sense in me, the confidence you sense. It's because I can up and decide to go dark and know for certain she will be back over and over again. In fact I give it a month tops of me not hanging with her before she says something. But she will...which is a nice segway into Nicole's comments...
Yes Nicole, I will simply tell her I'm booked or I have plans. I'm just going to go back to doing all the things I used to do on weekends. Date more women, hang with my pals, go see bands, and work sometimes. I don't owe her specific explanations as to what I'm doing. I'm busy is the best she's going to get. Then I'm sure stalking me with her FB spies will commence again. It seems to me if she spends time stalking me during my absence...which she undoubtedly will...that speaks volumes. So that's all...I'm just going to make other plans and if she asks to hang out I am declining.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
for the most part, Waywards and Walk-aways think that at some point they will be friends with their exes... that's what they want... they don't really want things to end badly... part of the DBing method is to say that there will be no friendship... and so things get acrimonious... however, once time passes, and both parties have moved on, there seems to be a chance that a friendship can develop... and i think that is what you have here... you ex-W wants to smooth things over with you... that whole manhood talk is her keeping you "content." it's like a place-holder... i do not think she is interested in a purely sexual relationship... she wants you as a friend, and she certainly does not want to hurt you again... it's all a balancing act on her part... i know this part well... i have done it... move on, and she may come to realize that she does want more with you... at that point, you may be over it... but it won't get there until you really do move on...
