I had a lot of time to think this weekend, and made some decisions / revelations.
First and foremost, the Low i experienced on Friday (during my business trip i SHOULD have been enjoying) was entirely my fault.
I chose, like an idiot, to yet again engage WIFE in conversation about not violating boundaries with S3. She took the opportunity to choose things to say she knew would get under my skin, such as "We arent in a relationship, therefore your trust and approval is nor important to me" (i had mentioned needing to be able to trust eachother as CO-Parents) and she again decided to lay the blame of the downfall of our MR and Her Cheating at my feet, and blame me for everything that went sour in our MR (so, everything)
That being said, it is my fault. I could have ignored her, like I had been, and it was working and making me feel like I had some self-control for once in my Sitch. She just knows the right things to say to get my blood boiling. Not again. I know its just a ploy to get my negative attention, and it worked. I bought it hook line and sinker.
My Depressions and "Lows" are a cause and effect situation. If i speak to her, i can sometimes come out of the conversation feeling elevated and victorious. However her negative effects are a delayed release formula. Whether the conversation "Goes my way" or it is one that directly makes me angry off the bad, the results are the same. I end up dropping into a nihilistic depression and painfully reminisce about all the loss she has caused.
It doesn't matter the context or end result of the conversation, the emotional blow-back i experience is the same each time.
I just read something on Ballst's thread that spoke VOLUMES to me.
Originally Posted by ballast
I am constantly being "poked/jabbed" as if I'm the bad guy by W. A friend of mine made a very interesting point to me when he said "once you are gone and done with her...where is she going to go with all of that anger/resentment/frustration she has?"
By engaging in arguments with her, I am just making this process take longer. By allowing her to take her frustrations out on me, I am continuing to provide on outlet for her negativity. When i No longer provide that, it will have nowhere to go but to back up in her own life. I was already seeing this happen 2 weeks ago when i had stuck to NC correctly for a span of time. The faster I REALLY adhere to NC the faster this will happen.
More importantly the faster I will heal, and no longer get these "Lows" or "Drops" because I will no longer be letting her effect my mood. At all. Ever. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Additionally, BOY DID I GET A GREAT BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!!!
The Court finally replied to my Motion to Clarify - Regarding Child Support Payments vs. Daycare. The Motion Response letter from my Judge read as follows. "The Temporary Orders do NOT require The Petitioner (ME) to split the cost of Daycare with the Respondent (WIFE)"
THIS IS HHUUGGEE!!
I have been so worried about having to pay both its been stressing me out. Additionally, I have BEEN PAYING Daycare since May 22nd when i was issued to pay Child Support.
WIFE has not filed out her end of the Child Support paperwork, So i have been supposed to have been saving the $95 weekly so it was saved up.
I did the Math, Since May 22nd i have paid $1,225.00 in Daycare Tuition (that i wasnt supposed to be paying), and I would have owed $950 in Child Support in that same timeframe.
I am writing a request to the court to retroactively apply the $1,225.00 i Have erroneously paid in Daycare costs (I have printed copies of all checks, as well as paid invoices from Daycare Center to prove this) to the Child Support I have been unable to save up during this time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- S3 Had a good weekend with MIL. She took him to a fair on Friday, and Saturday they spent the day together (i guess WIFE was working, who knows)
MIL helped S3 make a birthday card for me, and Me, S3, SIL (brothers Wife) and My brother did Birthday Cake last night. S3 was adorable!!!
I am taking him Camping next weekend. Which I am REALLY looking Forward to.
Karmic Justice for my birthday? Yes Please!
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
For the fact that it started off with such a low point, it really was an amazing turn around. Not only do i feel good for having managed my own emotional mire in a timely fashion through the process of honest self reflection, but Karma paid me back 10 fold!!
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
The more you detach the more she will try to push your buttons
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
OK great on the self-reflection! This is DBing working!! Good job.
Also, congrats on the court response. I don't want to be Debby Downer.....but what happens if she doesn't pay the tuition? What will you do with him on the weeks you have him if she goes into arrears and he can't go anymore?
I've been through court orders with finances before with divorced friends and family. The court issue rulings with no encorcement ALL THE TIME. I had a buddy whose W cheated and left him after they'd run up $30k in debt. Court cut the debt right down the middle, $15k each (they had no kids). She went to live with OM. Suddenly my buddy started getting solicitations from creditors on the entire $30k. Sending the creditors the copies of the court documents DID NOTHING. He ended up having to pay off the $30k in debt to keep his credit history intact. The creditors went after him because he was employed and she wasn't. The courts offered no recourse.
So this "you don't have to pay child-care tuition" things scares me because her failure to do so will impact you.
Happy Birthday BTW! Sounds like it was a good one.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I agree, those are great self revelations. You recognized your own co-dependency. I believe you will think twice before reaching out to her knowing that it will be a lose-lose situation for YOU.
You are one of the only people I know who doesn't have to pay for a portion of the daycare. Child support is separate from daycare. So I guess you can consider yourself very lucky. When my daughter was in daycare, that cost for my share was MORE than my child support.
But Steve is absolutely right. What will you do when she doesn't pay? Do you have a potential plan in place for his care on your weeks?
Just remember everything you do should be for yourself and your own emotional protection. "Yes", "No", or no response at all to her text messages. I am glad you are learning not to engage, it is like sticking your hand in a pile of fire ants over and over thinking they are not going to bite. Eventually it will happen, it's just a matter of when.
Remember short responses when she texts you....simple answers "yes", "no", or no response at all if the text is just informational....maybe a "Thank you". Nothing long and drawn out.....keep your responses varied.
The Judge ordered her to pay the Daycare, as My Child Support Covers it. If she doesn't Pay, then she is neglecting our sons care, and it will be her fault. She has been court ordered to continue to do so. If i need to take some time off of work if this happens, i will do so. Then i will file for full custody.
I got the following text from her "Well looks like its time for me to find a new daycare for S3 that I can afford weekly on my own with the $0 you have paid me thus far in child support. (the court is still setting up the payment plan for that) I will be sure to update my financial affidavit with the new expenses as sole daycare payment provider. Have a good day.
"I apologize for saying that out of frustration. It was wrong of me. I will be going to the court house tomorrow to file new paperwork. I may also need to look for a new daycare, but I will talk to you regarding that if/when the time comes"
I called the Child Support Office, she JUST submitted her paperwork to get that rolling. It will eventually automatically come out of my paycheck each week.
I am requesting the court retroactively apply the $1,225.00 i have paid in Daycare since my last court date to my Child Support. That will clear up anything I owe her, and then the payments will come out automatically each week.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
