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NicoleR Offline OP
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Hi Everyone, here's the last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2796866&page=11

Maika, you do a great job of summarizing everything in a concise way! I'm sure I'd write 10X that amount to try to say the same thing. Thanks for your encouragement. I think I could have done a lot better than I've done but I guess I had to get healthy to even plan anything, then accept that there'd be no reconciliation under the circumstances of us living near my husband in our old state, and now not even depending on my husband financially. I appreciate all your comments and support since last fall. It took a lot of strength to cut-off almost all contact with my husband and probably only the members of this forum can understand that. Maika, I hope you don't disappear like so many people here do. I hope you'll let us know how things turn out!

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Nicole after reading more on your sitch and encouraging you to continue to stay positive and move forward.I was wondering if you have read a book called The gifts of imperfections by Brene Brown. She also has some TED talks videos. This may help you see the beautiful person you are and how you deserve the best. I continue to cheer you and encourage you thru this difficult passage. Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Nicole - an external observer can look at someone's sitch and do that concise summary because they can see the bigger picture. The smaller details are important for the process, but the larger elements indicate the achievements and success.

I have also appreciated your support on my threads and I am glad that you've stuck around so that we've been able to see your journey and transformations along the way.

I won't start a new thread unless something major changes happen in my sitch. I've come to a grounded place and now I am just biding time to make sure my emotions match my thinking and when that's in alignment, I will file for D. W sent me a text a few days ago and it was jarring and I got some anxiety for a couple of seconds when I saw the notification flash on my phone. It quickly went away, but because our communications are so sparse, it kinda jolted me to see her send me a message.

So, I thought about that for a while to see why I might've reacted that way. I believe it was because the 12 months separation are up and I guess I am just waiting for a message to come from her about D. I think it was subconscious but my reaction allowed me to do some introspection. I haven't reacted to her message like that previously. But once I understood why I reacted that way, it allowed me to relax and just examine the issue of D a bit more closely and see how I really feel about it. Part of me wants to just file and get it over with, but that's coming out of a place of impatience and being tired. I am not trying to achieve perfection in this process, but I don't want to do it half-a$$.

I am not planning to disappear, but I definitely will be spending less time here in the coming months. All the newcomer stories are disheartening and it sometimes takes me back to BD and how that went down for me and how I felt. I spend some more time on the Surviving section to read up on what's life like after D. I am so close to that and it makes sense to read up there.

After a year, and when I read other posters who come back and give a few nuggets, one thing that has really stuck with me is how this would be so much better for the LBS if they dropped the rope and moved ahead with their life full steam. I know it's hard because it's such an emotional time for the LBS that they can't engage in that right away. That would be my advice to anyone looking to make sense of all of this and find some peace.

Anyways, continue on your path and make that life for yourself. You have passed the survival stage, and now it's time to thrive and shine.


No one is coming to save you!

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Originally Posted by Maika


After a year, and when I read other posters who come back and give a few nuggets, one thing that has really stuck with me is how this would be so much better for the LBS if they dropped the rope and moved ahead with their life full steam. I know it's hard because it's such an emotional time for the LBS that they can't engage in that right away. That would be my advice to anyone looking to make sense of all of this and find some peace.


This is great advice.


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Perfectly put Maika, Nicole is a survivor. Now itís time to shine

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NicoleR Offline OP
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LoneWlf, I haven't read the book. I'll try to buy and read it. Thanks!

Maika, did you and your wife talk about staying separated for 12 months before divorce or does your state / province require a year long separation before you can file? It does sound better for you to look forward rather than backward here on the forum. Sure you can help those who are behind in the process but if that keeps reminding you of painful memories then it's great to look ahead and see how people are doing in the next stage. I think dropping the rope and moving ahead full-steam is the ideal but not everyone is capable of that when they're in a state of shock, denial, or sadness. It would be great to have that sense of resiliency. I'm sure there are some who have that, but they're probably not the ones who come to this forum. Those would be the ones who don't need this forum. Those who come here still want to save their marriages, but if less than 10% can be saved, then I can see why it makes more sense to face reality and just move on for those that can pull it off.

Arsh and Maika, let's consider the end of the survival stage to be when I start working full-time! Currently I don't know how we'll pay the bills beyond August. I subsidized with savings and retirement ever since our daughter was born so now we're at a critical stage. As soon as I can pay the bills on my own I'll feel that I've reached the end of the survival stage. I wasn't expecting my husband to lose his job and for me to be rushing to work full-time but it makes sense if my husband screwed up the rest of his life that he'd do the same to his career. But I am better off now than last fall. At least my health condition is managed better and I'm living in a better apartment and my daughter is adapting well. I'll post new developments as they happen.

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I agree, being financially stable is most important, have you looked at drawing a separation agreement for child support? Which would mandate your H to pay you child support S or D irrespective of having a job or not

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NicoleR Offline OP
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Hi Arsh, both my current and previous states don't allow separation agreements. It's bizarre! Last fall I had my husband sign a separation agreement that I prepared to at least have something formalized between us. He's honored it and he's provided everything I've requested up until now. Hopefully he'll find a new job and he'll keep helping, but I need to make sure I can cover our costs without him. I think that's the final step in detaching because then I won't count on him for anything. He'll definitely have to pay child support and spousal support as well as cash to help us buy our own house, etc.. if we get divorced but I'd rather not have everything hinge on that happen. If I'm capable of working then I should work rather than sit back and depend on him. I've been working the whole time, just not bringing in enough to pay all the bills. I hope I can do it without totally sacrificing my daughter's wellbeing. How do you do it? Do your girls go to daycare for the full day?

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Nicole - my W and I were not on the same page about the separation. I thought this was to take some time away, re-think things, work on the marriage through counseling. But a few months after BD, when I had the final talk with her about our R, she point blank told me that this was permanent. At that point, I decided that I was not going to waffle on DB and just figure out my life for myself. Yes, legally we have to wait 12 months before either party can file for D. You can file earlier if you can prove infidelity or abuse etc. So, those 12 months are up.

I agree that it is hard to drop the rope when you get here. Most people are going through a lot of turmoil and so are unable to do it. I just think if it's possible to do it, then one should just do it. But I know it's very difficult to have that larger perspective in the beginning.

About your financial situation, I totally see what you're saying. I really like your vision on being financially self-reliant. I always say that one thing the LBS has to do is become self-reliant in all aspects of their lives because you should not count on the other person to do what needs to get done. Unfortunately we see here all the time the WS/WAS dropping the ball on their responsibilities, and the consequences are so much higher when kids are involved.

So, yeh, that will be the final survival stage marker for you. But you've come very far and now it's just a matter of reaching that financial marker. Keep us posted for sure. I will come back and post when it makes sense for my sitch.


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NicoleR Offline OP
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Maika, I'm glad your state or province requires 12 months. I think that's how it should be everywhere. Then people like Arsh's husband can't just go and get divorced at the spur-of-the-moment within a few weeks. In any case you made it through those 12 months so that's a big achievement. It's still just bizarre what your wife has done but I guess that's the norm here on this forum. Nothing seems shocking anymore after what you read here!

I was self-reliant even through my teenage years, working from age 13 while still doing extra curricular activities and focusing on school. I paid all of my college and graduate school myself, worked in college to support myself, and I supported my husband financially for the first seven years. I was looking forward to having the freedom to start a unique consulting firm that would have created some fascinating partnerships in the area where we lived after my husband finally started working. It was pretty much the first time that someone was offering me some financial freedom and now that's all totally gone. Now it's back to being self-reliant again plus having a dependent. I guess it was only a beautiful dream, the life my husband promised me.

All, I do have a question that doesn't appear to have been discussed recently on this forum. Has anyone read about a parent - child relationship between married partners? I was thinking how this best defines how things were between my husband and I. I searched online and found many articles that define this relationship although not much that provides guidance on how to fix it. Because my husband came from overseas and I was the financial provider I had to teach him everything about life here and he always felt he had to ask me for money or permission for whatever he wanted to do. Then when we had our daughter I was literally a parent. He started to regress after our daughter was born and he's literally been like a teenager these past few years - irresponsible, rebellious, self-absorbed, materialistic, and private. I guess this is also how they describe a mid-life crisis but I do wonder if the dynamic between my husband and I was partly to blame. Perhaps I should have helped him become a refugee here in the US instead of marrying him so he can stay. Then I should have dated him while we lived separately and waited for him to build his career. Probably the time he left is the time we should have married - when he got a job. Maybe my husband is just an immoral cheater but my sense is if he would have been on his own from the beginning he wouldn't have taken me for granted or seen me as a parent figure. It's rare in the Middle East for men to live from their wives' salaries and stay at home while their wives work. Maybe we were doomed from the start. If we had just been dating and I found out he was with other women I would have just broken it off without tying his cheating with so many of my hopes and dreams derived from our married life. It's too late now, but I see what a risk it is to sponsor someone to come here on a visa no matter how great they seem. It doesn't change anything now, but I accept the blame for having been naÔve and overly helpful toward someone who had no problem ditching me the minute a beautiful younger woman offered the opportunity for fun and recreation. Too bad we learn these lessons in life after we have kids and their lives are affected by our bad choices. I hope there will be some justice in the divorce process if that's our next step.

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