Ok, time to work on getting through it now. We all knew there was an OW. Deep down you knew it too. Fantasy, emotional, physical, it really doesn't matter.
Time to stop dwelling on the past, what you've lost, and that you didn't deserve this. You aren't special. None of us deserved this.
Now for the good part. You are a very strong person. You are a great mom. You are going to get through this. I firmly believe he will come crawling back some day and I hope he finds a very strong, self-confident woman, who makes the terms for her own life.
It will only be weird for the kids if you make it so. Read Gordie on MLC's earlier post for what his wife did with the OM and having him around the kids. They are in the process of reconciling.
Don't make decisions now about whether and how you would take him back. That isn't on the table and probably won't be for a long time.
Focus on you. Focus on the kids. Focus on your work so you don't have issues there. You don't need to be dependent on this man.
There is a path through this. The ending may not be a certainty, but you will be standing there a more confident person, with a better connection with your kids, and with full knowledge of what you will and will not take in a relationship.
Stop the monkey braining. Stop thinking about what he is doing and with whom. You don't real know the truth. Read BluWave again on what she thought vs. what was really going on.
I am so confident that you are going to be a better person for this. You have all the right ingredients. Know that the people here care about you and will help you get through.
One, thank you thank you!! I am the kind of person who works best with 2x4, all that you say is true , I need someone to smack me on my head when I drown in self pity. I didn’t deserve this but he absolutely doesn’t deserve my tears now. And yes the future is uncertain, the only truth is the present. I have been telling myself WH is dead and that has worked well for me. Other than kids exchange we have absolutely no communication. He has even complained I don’t receive his calls, I just asked him to text me if it’s urgent when I don’t receive them. I honestly don’t care what upsets him anymore. At least the kids will be back with me tomorrow and no more long weekends anytime soon. WH wasn’t even man enough to own his A, he had to play the poor me tortured by controlling wife card to family. I have to raise my Ds to be stronger than me, to own their choices and face the challenges that life throws at them. Thank you One. My DB friends if there is any 2x4s please bring it on.
I think you already know what to do. It's the fear that holds you down. Go back and read some of the posts that helped you out from the long time vets. That's what I do occasionally. I also consider my WW as being dead. She is definitely not the same person I married. Same with your WH. But Iike I've been told, you've got to be Awesome in every way. Your kids will need to look at you as the strongest most coolest mom ever. They are walking in your footsteps. So what they see is what they get. It's so totally natural to let your thoughts get the best of you. I let it happen way too often. My good days and nights are usually because I TRY to replace those thoughts with something more positive. The sooner you can let go, the sooner you can be happy. It's my goal to get to the point where I don't care either way. Of course you're thinking about your history and how badly you want things to go back the way it was , and now you just want a fresh start with a new relationship with H. The fact is, our WS's have other feelings for someone else and we don't matter ATM. So get your a$$ in gear and start being awesome for yourself and your kids. Your H isn't as happy as he thinks he is. Hes being super flakey and you don't have time for it. I've talked alot of women who told me straight up, that once they woke up and didn't care. After they got tired of waiting and stressing out about their H. Yep you guessed it, Their WH came back begging and crying for forgiveness. And then guess what? The W had moved so far on that the WH had no chance in hell,no chance ever. They said it felt so good and they are all happier than they've ever been. They all have children too. Now I don't know if yours will do come crying back. But get yourself to that point. Once a woman makes up her mind, it's made up. So, just like everyone here has said. Do this for yourself and kids. Don't chase someone who has dumped you and is cheating on you. You're better than that no doubt. Men like what they can't have. If he knows he can waltz right on back, I gauruntee he will waltz right on back out with another gal in time. So get yourself as tough and awsome as soon as possible. Get a new mindset and don't worry so much. You will look back at this and wonder why you let it bother you so bad. And you will be the strongest person you know. Keep it up Arsh..good days are coming!
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Arshi, it's two steps forward and one step backward. We all have our moments of despair and hopelessness, but you will find they become shorter, and less frequent.
I'm not going to repeat what everyone else is saying, but they're right! You are awesome! Go be awesome and let him suck it!
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Sam as Jim for me! Sending you love and hugs. You're stellar and go show the world your brilliance by building your strength against all adversity. You got it!
Reading through your sitch now, I cannot believe how similar our H seemed to be behaving. I see in here yours wasnt having an A like mine was, but your H definitely behaved exactly like mine. All of a sudden wanting a D out of NOWHERE, saying he didnt even want to be separated because he knew he just didnt want to be married anymore. Those were my H exact words on BD and I was LOST.
2 months later I discovered the OW and everything became clear. He became scared, immediately quit his job, and said he would never see her again and make us work. Cut to months down the line and here we are..I am going to continue reading your threads, but again it is nice to know we are not alone, newborns and all. I know how awful it feels and I also know how nice it feels to get advice on here with suggestions of what to do, since being in the sitch its hard to see it from another perspective.
I took your recent advice to me and told H we need to make a schedule for time with D. If you read my thread you can see that it was very upsetting to him. He started to cry and left and then apologized in a text later. It was hard to follow through but I knew you were right in telling me to do that.
I am going to keep reading your thread now, I hope we can help one another through all of this.
Arshi, It is with pure encouragement that I write this. I can see how finding out about OW sets you in to a downward spiral. Chances are he will probably blame you for this also. I truly feel for you and encourage you to let all the feelings out and then pick yourself up - dust yourself off and be the best mom possible to your Ds. I see in your post that you are asking how God could do this to you and your beautiful innocent Ds? I feel now is not the time to question God but to more so TRUST in God. Allow Him to work you and your family. I thought about this same question today and what I have come up with in my own sitch is- First - I have become closer in my walk with Christ - sharing with Him my successes and my pain. Secondly-I now have a more solid relationship with my S - we talk more open and freely and do more things. Lastly- this painful time has allowed me to rediscover who I am- making me a priority again - getting healthy and balanced. I have lost almost 60 lbs and focus on getting better everyday. On the other hand my W looks like she has gained 25 lbs is is the most unhealthy since we've met. One last thing- it says these trials and tribulations that we encounter on earth is just a means for us to grow and is preparation for eternal happiness in the afterlife. Know that I pray for you and your family and all that are here. Sending you warm hugs- Blessings.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
You are getting great advice on here. I think it is completely normal to have moments of anguish and misery, but obsessing about WH and what he is doing or whom he is with is completely unhelpful. As others have said your focus needs to be entirely on yourself and your Ds. You talk about wanting to raise strong Ds - nothing will teach them more than watching the example that their mother sets. They will take their cues from you, from your actions far more than your words. Be the woman you want them to be.
You can do this. We are all supporting you from afar.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Please start a new thread. This thread has reached the 100 posting/reply limit. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
