Arsh, your divorce isn't finalized yet so I have no idea how custody works informally until the papers are signed. Perhaps you could agree to what he wants with the condition that once the divorce is finalized you'll be abiding strictly by custody laws.
Arsh when my husband stops calling I know it's because he's in a new relationship with a new woman. It happened three years ago and happened again this year. It was almost identical how he stopped calling and seeing our daughter during both times. When the relationships ended he went back to normal. I think it's honestly think that's one of the better case scenarios if your husband is having an affair - affairs don't usually last. Sure there are stories about affair partners who marry but your husband isn't just any affair partner. He's got two little kids and he's from India where there are customs and traditions that I doubt would honor adultery. So what will your husband say to his family in a few months if he wants to introduce whoever it is after the divorce? Will they really be happy for him and ready to accept another woman knowing how he left you and your daughters? What about people at work? What about his thoughts when he falls asleep at night? At some point he has to face reality. Things won't always be so carefree and fun. It's still really immature and terrible whatever he's doing but I really doubt he's alone going fishing right now. There must be reasons why he's in such a rush to divorce and why he's off traveling so soon after moving out. I think that's good news for you though because this won't last and he'll be back when the affair ends unless he's like my husband and decides one woman isn't enough and keeps going for more.
More detachment. More letting go. Less communication. Let him tell you in advance when he needs a change and if it works for you, say yes only because it worked for you.
This ^^.
If it works for you, tell him yes, but if it's inconvenient, tell him no. There will come a time when your new boyfriend wants to fly you to Paris for the weekend when you have the kids, so don't hold him rigidly to the schedule because there will be times when you want to change it, too.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
One, thank you. I read your advise a few times and let it sink in. I hope I get to see your older threads and learn from it at some point. Nic, I suspect something similar. There is a reason he did not bother video calling and thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Jim, thanks, you are sweet, it made me smile but honestly I am as far from thinking of a R with someone new than i ever have been in my life.
Not because I dont think I am not worthy, heck I know I am a great catch, only the fool I married doesnt see that. But I feel R with a partner makes you so vulnerable, I know it is okay to be vulnerable but my walls are so up high right now I cannot survive a broken heart one more time. I need to make myself happy, I need to find happiness in my children, in my parents, in my activities and my career. I married the first person I fell in love with, my only physical partner in life. If someone I have been with since 19 can do this to me, anybody who I find from now will be capable of it. I need to get myself to a place where nobody dictates my happiness but me. I should be able to be happy even if I dont have a long term partner for the rest of my life. Only if I am happy and wholesome, my daughters will get a great mom, and they deserve the greatest mother ever. It is a lot of work, I am very very far from being happy but it is my path to take and make sure to get there.
Update - I did let WH take kids for a while on my day, but it was because I needed a few hours to get things in order and because D3 was really missing him. He failed to communicate the time again and we had a mini tiff texting the times, he started pushing for overnight and I lost it. I clearly told him he booked his personal trip knowing very well that it would eat into his time with the kids and what he is getting extra is bonus. Probably more messaging than I should have but I basically said take the times I am offering or nothing at all until it is his turn again, so he yielded. He also said he was visiting a friend without I asking him where he was. I am not an idiot, not anymore, to just think he was in the wilderness meditating. For all I care he can go to heck.
On a positive note, I watched a movie I havent in a long time. It actually has a lot of GAL, 180s and letting go in a simple way. For those of you who want some bollywood fun, watch Queen on Netflix, it is such a feel good.
I know how you feel about having your walls up. It's like, how could you ever trust someone again? You thought your spouse was trustworthy and then they rip your heart out.
Maybe you said a little too much to him, but you held your ground overall and he knows he's not acting right. I can't stand when the WS lies so obviously. Everything the WS does is for themselves. So your WH is "visiting a friend" ya OK that's what I thought.
I'll be checking out your show here in a bit when I hit the sack. Arsh, I'm sorry you're going through this, but your kids will grow up and realize everything you've done here.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
But I feel R with a partner makes you so vulnerable, I know it is okay to be vulnerable but my walls are so up high right now I cannot survive a broken heart one more time.
Arshi, I hope you don't think I was pushing you into a new R. I am just saying there will be times when you need the schedule changed, and if you are intolerant of him making any changes, he may do the same to you.
Regarding what you said above, I completely understand. I think all of us on this forum do. I'm right there with you.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Arsh, you and I both have a lack of experience with men it sounds. That's amazing you met your husband at age 19. It's so hard to believe you're living without him for the first time. You two literally grew up together and did everything together. Didn't you ever notice other men though or didn't other men show signs of interest from time-to-time? Perhaps one day you'll just fall in love with someone new by accident and you'll be willing to take a risk. I wish that'd happen to me.
Is this the first or second time your husband has visited his "friend" since he left? If it's the second time I'd say it's guaranteed he met a woman and that's why this divorce is happening. I still think that's a best case scenario. You can rest easy knowing you weren't too controlling and that's not why he left. You can also look forward to his fun new relationship ending and him getting burned. There's a high chance that'll happen. It's better to not know details but it's also good finally knowing the reason why this divorce is happening.
Your husband's actions have been very similar to my husband's actions. My husband believes he didn't get to enjoy his life when he was young and have fun (in other words, he didn't get to date 100 women and sleep with each or whatever). Maybe your husband has the same thoughts like "I've been with Arsh since age 19 and I never got to experience other women. Now I'm stuck at home with a tired rundown wife, crying baby, and there's this beautiful woman who seems interested in me!" Perhaps the temptation combined with the hardships of having little kids at home with a ton of responsibility was more than he could bear. Not that that excuses him in any way because 99.5 / 100 men won't abandon their wives after they have kids but apparently your husband was vulnerable and took the bait. Who knows what really happened but he'll wake up one day. Just wait. I feel so sure about that in your case.
It's good to dedicate your life to your daughters. I'm doing the same for my daughter. She's only four and she deserves a mom who's fully focused on her upbringing, not out dating random men while she goes to school all day and sits with a babysitter all night. It's soooo hard to believe some of the stories about wayward wives on this board are true. I can't imagine a 40 year old woman out clubbing with her friends while her kids sit at home with the husband all wondering where mom is. That's a deviation from your thread except I commend you for being level headed and keeping your priorities straight. Every kid deserves that from both their parents but if they don't get that from one then that adds even more pressure to the other.
I wish you would both read T3104 or whatever her screen name was. She endured hell on earth with her H. She was convinced with several small children her life was over. Within like six months she had a significant trade up and was living. Try to avoid the temptation to project the way you feel today over the rest of your lives. Time and distance really do make it better. When your self worth improves you will wonder why you ever wanted these men back. Take it day by day. Let go a little more each day, join the world a little more each day. Give yourselves time. Read DNJ’s posts on the MLC thread for someone who really gets this.
I also have been with my H since I was 19. I cannot imagine ever being with anyone else, my H is all I have ever known and all I wanted. Sounds like you feel the same and I totally understand. Hang in there.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Thank you Ovr, Jim, OneArt, Nic and Helena. R2C, thanks for the updates on the quotes thread I have been reading up on the older ones, very helpful I have had a moderate week, staying apart helps in detachment. Weekend has been bad, I filled out the financial statements for D, kids were with WH and I met them briefly today. There is not much socializing you can do on long weekends, all my friends have kids and families. I miss having family here, every one is half way across the world. The week goes by fast since I have kids most of the days and between work and managing them it gets very busy. D3 mentioned today that she spoke to her daddy's friend on a video call, she said her name was a cartoon character's and she called D3 something funny too. She also told me this friend of her dad's also has a D. My heart lunged at this as I am pretty sure this is the hidden OW. WH has no female friends that he video chats with and anybody we are close to is already acquainted with D3 and she would instantly recognize them. this person was clearly someone new to her. OW was the only logical sense in my sitch but I willingly denied it for so long. Although I still do not know who she is, I am quite certain that there is a OW. Maybe it is just projecting but I feel WH is in a PA now, he feels stranger since he has moved out. And here I am feeling like a pathetic loser who trusted him with her heart and soul, had two kids with him, have absolutely no intel on his A and I am working with him on a mediated D to end this MR. He hit me at my lowest, probably got involved when I was pregnant and BDd when D was 2 months. WH must also be justifying this, thinking he has already ended the MR with me and is carrying on with his fancies only after he decided to D. I was doing so well this last week, and something like this just takes you down the drain. I see that he is in the honeymoon period of his R, if it has just gone physical once he moved out they must be not be able to stay away from each other hence the frequent out of state travels. And to think he wants me to move to the other coast post D. Such a ...!! I cried again, in pain, in anguish, asked god why my life turned out like this, what did my Ds do to deserve this. When I saw WH I kept quiet though, no anger no reaction not even a mention of what D3 said. Most spouses on this forum at least are confused and want to keep their MR and S on limbo. WH is not only actively rejecting me but has decided it is the end of MR. I am spinning really bad today, all the strength I had just waned. But I have become better at getting up every time I trip and fall and continue moving on. Feel so alone in the world right now, running around my babies and losing my mind keeps me from really losing it. But yes I will keep being the light house, I dont have much hope at this time though. Even if he comes back post D, after all this pain and even actually going through a D would there be a point to it all?I believe in Karma, but at this point even if WH 'pays' for this its not going to take away the pain I have to endure or the injustice my Ds have to face. I can only ask god for more strength to keep going.
