Just realized recently that the BD was just over 2 years ago now. Seems like a lifetime ago. Currently in a new relationship with a wonderful woman that is beyond amazing. Happiest I've been in years. If you would have told me this 2 years ago, I would have never believed it...
For everyone out there still standing, keep up the DB'ing. You WILL be alright. It may be reconciling, it may not. Remember that we are doing this for ourselves and no one else. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable. Allow yourself to grow. In the end, everything will work out. You may not see it now, but later you will. Keep up the good work, guys...
Congratulations on the new relationship! You are set up well for much success moving forward.
Just noticed your join date is June of 2013. Was the sitch two years ago your second sitch?
Last edited by Steve85; 01/16/2012:56 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Congratulations on the new relationship! You are set up well for much success moving forward.
Just noticed your join date is June of 2013. Was the sitch two years ago your second sitch?
Yes, it was. I got a BD in Feb of 2013, then found this site a few months later. WW came back in Sep of 2013. I made the classic mistake of jumping right back in before she did any work. Just happy to have her back and thought things were going to be better. That, coupled with the fact that she was still addicted to and using pain killers was why I ended up here again. Looking back, I just wanted everything to work out so badly that overlooked a lot of warning signs. Over the next 4 years, her addiction just got worse. This just resulted in more lying, cheating, and stealing. I put up with a lot of crap because I thought I was doing what was best for my kids. I wanted so desperately to keep my family unit intact, that I put all of my needs to the side. It turns out, I wasn't doing anybody any favors. I just enabled her addict lifestyle, I was unhappy, and my kids had no consistency in their lives. It wasn't until I started DB'ing my @ss off, that things got better. I realized that her problems were hers and I could not fix her, so I let her go, hoping she would hit bottom and become the person I married again. I became the best father I could be, took on all parenting responsibilities, and provided the consistency and routine my kids needed. Along the way, the kids and I moved forward and she was left behind. I always hoped she would shake the addiction, come back to reality, and join us in that journey, but she never did. I finally reached the point where I knew I deserved better and that she was never going to change. Never in a million years did I think I would be divorced, but here I am. I actually used to joke around and tell everybody that I would never get married because you can't get divorced if you never get married...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
mtb, thanks! I may have known that before. I hit 50 last year so the memory ain't what it once was!
As you may know, my first sitch was at the end of 2005. I found MWD, but not this forum. So when my 2nd BD hit 12 years later, I was in mistake mode for 2 days before remembering DBing. Found this forum a few weeks later. While our conclusions were different, the fact that we both DB'd to save ourselves and improve is really where the power in DBing lies. We are both setup for better Rs, with or without our Ws!
Kudos to you. You were exemplary in putting your kids first. I admire that so much about you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks, Steve. That means a lot. You were a great help for me during those times. I appreciate the help and insight you provided. You are a true asset to the board...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
It is awesome and refreshing to read your update. I wholeheartedly agree with Steve. The power of DB'ing is truly a beautiful thing.
Cheers to you and a bright future, mtb!!
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Just realized recently that the BD was just over 2 years ago now. Seems like a lifetime ago. Currently in a new relationship with a wonderful woman that is beyond amazing. Happiest I've been in years. If you would have told me this 2 years ago, I would have never believed it...
Read a bit of your story. Glad it has a happy ending! All that work we do after BD pays off.
Wanted to bump this for some of the new posters. mtb had a very WW, and he became a DB ninja despite some very bad behavior from his WW. He ended up Ding her and moving on, which sometimes is the right thing to do, and certainly was in his situation.
So here is his last thread and here is a link to all of his threads:
mtb, I see you posting on other's thread and that is awesome! How about a quick update about how you've been doing?
Doing quite well. Thanks. I've been in a fulfilling relationship with a wonderful woman for the past 2 years now. We just welcomed a new baby girl into the world a couple months ago and couldn't be happier. I never knew things could be this good. I think a lot of us get stuck in a rut when trying to save relationships. Looking back, I wasn't happy even before BD. I was just going through the motions and waiting it out. Because I refuse to get divorced. Its only a bump in the road. It will get better, I just need to wait it out. After BD, I did all the wrong things to. The begging, pleading, etc. She's just confused. She'll snap out of it. I just need to keep holding on and waiting for her to get better. That's when I realized I had put my happiness and life on hold doing everything I could to try to help/fix someone that didn't want to be helped/fixed. It wasn't fair for anyone involved. Me, her, or the kids. I realized that I was setting a horrible example for my kids. I thought I was teaching them to never give up on a commitment, but I was actually teaching them that it was ok to put up with all kinds of bull$hit. That it's ok to enable a loved one that needs help instead of helping yourself...
The XW continues on her downward spiral. She hasn't seen the kids since December of last year, and called them twice since then. The phone calls last about five minutes and then she wants to talk to me. I calmly tell her that if there is anything she needs to communicate to me, she can text. She gets mad and we go on about our lives. About a month ago, she was arrested for possession of meth. A week later, she was arrested for armed robbery. She's currently sitting in county awaiting trial...
The silver lining with the arrests is that I finally had to talk to the older kids and give them some answers. For the past almost 3 years, I have struggled to answers questions the kids have about why they don't see their mom. It's not my place to say bad things about her, and I didn't want to say "your mom's on drugs and doesn't care to see or talk to you". Although it's true, its not appropriate. So I always said she was dealing with some personal things and she would come around again when she got things figured out. This was just too open ended though and just led to more questions from them. Once her face was on the front page of the newspaper with an article about the armed robbery, I knew I had to prepare them for what they were going to hear. We sat down and I asked them what they knew about addiction and we talked about different drugs. I explained to them that there mom is addicted to drugs and people do extreme things when they are addicted to drugs. That she hasn't been around because of her addiction. Sure enough, a couple days later, a kid at the park said he saw in the news that their mom was in jail. Instead of being blindsided, they were prepared and said that their mom struggles with addiction, made some bad choices, and that's all they have to say about it. And that's the exact reason I let them know. Not to make her look bad or make me look good. I felt that I had to tell them to protect them. In the end, they seem much happier now because the questions that weren't answered before have finally been answered. The have some sort of closure now...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
