Coming out of the Fog

[Rouky]

Hi Jujub,

Wow your post really speaks to me about OW. I will come back to that later. I don't have much time to
socialise with other parents, but what I did is that a couple of times I have volunteered to help out with the school discos. I don't know if you do it where you live, but I have been able to meet new parents. So maybe that could be a solutio for you. I wouldn't compare myself to other parents because often we don't know what is happening behin close doors and there are a lot of people out there who pretend to have this such amazing life but it's all smoke in the end.

As for OW it's perfectly understandable as you put all your heart in your mariage and because it's not longer there you feel like a failure. You aren't. We will still be hurt because we had a life all planned out with ex but the ending (to grow grey and old together) isn't what we wanted. I believe time will heal it all.

[JujuB]

Thanks rouky. I have to volunteer more for pta. The problem is when i do that, it takes away time spent with my son. I do volunteer with his scouts though. And i did well socializing at a recent school event and other moms were interested in meeting up.

I was voicing my jealousy over ex's new girlfriend. Technically she is not a OW. A friend told me "Hope she doesnt care too much about financial stability". Lol.

I guess i still have feelings for him. I am still not neutral. It does not mean i would still get back with him i just want him to be remorseful. To be sorry. To own up. To take responsibility. To just tell me the truth. That was the hardest all those years. Never knowing.

[Rouky]

it is so amazing how much alike we are in how we feel about exes. I posted on yours because it is exactly how i feel about ex and his GF. My ex has introduced her to all his family members and it [censored]. I'm jealous because I can see them getting married and I feel like she has taken my place. On the other hand I like you I still wouldn't get back with him and I would like him to be remorseful but I have drawn a line on it. It will never happen. I need to make peace with it. I think we still have feelings because we were still in love with exes and we didn't pull the rug under our feet (they did). I also believe that with time these feelings will fade away.
You are an amazing mother and your child will realise who has been there for him all the time.

[JujuB]

Thanks rouky.

I think i also sometimes get consummed with the feeling, that i SHOULD be going on dates, watching tv, sleeping with ex. Not the person i am with. I know logically it does not make sense. I have to go over and over in my mind. He left me. He lied to me. He hurt me financially. He campaigned against me early on so he would not look like a bad guy. He is not a dead beat dad, but he is not a good dad. He was realy cruel the way he left. He was notba good companion.

So I guess those thought stem from not appreciating what i have. We are both more of the committed, forever type i think. And this type of loss affects us more. Sandi once mentioned that she did not underatand the LBS. She did not understand how we hold on to the walk away. My mom is like that too. She does not understand the attachment.

There are others that call it trauma bonding though. So who knows.

[JujuB]

Ugh. I am pmsing. I know that. But when the h@ll can i get through a month not getting depressed about my ex. When to i become neutral? Why is it harder for me?

My ex pays child support but evades all the extra curriculars. He owes me from last winter amd spring. Thats pretty selfish. And when i ask him for it he gets this pained look like hes in dire poverty that actually makes me feel bad for him in some moments. Which is crazy cause he earns a lot more then me and we have a 20/80 share of custody (his loss super great for me. Would not trade it for anything) but still. I worry about him, o wprry that i was abusive to him when we were younger, cause i still care for him and that is crazy because he was such a horrible person to me as well. Amd then my feelings twist to extreme rage. He is dating a younger woman with a small kid and that bothers me so so much. Obviously, he has to pay for them on dates. So he can afford to pay for his son. And the old me would have verbalized that. But the new me knows it will only show my jealousy.

And why the h@ll do i feel jealousy? After what he did? Hes not a good spouse. Hes not a good provider. He could never perform sexually. What will this new woman actually get? Someone that is hiding stuff from her. She lives far from him though and has a child so will make less demands is my guess. All speculating. I know.

New guy has been really good to me (despite those things i talked about) but my feelings go though extremes with him as well. So i wonder if its me. Like is there something off with me? Borderline? Just anxiety? PTSD? Do i live in my head and create porblems or are there problems i recognize, co plain about and then coat over.

Ugh. I am so dysfunctional. But just like my ex if you ever met me, you would never know. I actually come across as really sweet and perhaps a bit quirky IRL

[doodler]

So i wonder if its me. Like is there something off with me? Borderline? Just anxiety? PTSD? Do i live in my head and create porblems or are there problems i recognize, co plain about and then coat over.

JujuB,

After my divorce, I was on fire. I wanted to move forward with my life in a big way; if for no other reason than to metaphorically rub it in the face of my ex-wife. Now, about two years after the divorce, I'd accomplished my goal and I became listless. I finally realized that I needed another over-arching goal that would really light a fire under my @ss. That's what I'm working on now. I needed something to work toward, for myself and for my sons. I need to slay another dragon.

Could that be your issue? Do you need a big goal or some direction for your life? If you're not moving forward, then life just feels like cr@p.

[job]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. I do not think it is you or that you have some kind of personality disorder. I do think your h has been a total @ss about things and he uses those pitiful looks to get you to soften up. He knows how to play on your feelings and it's been working up till now. It's time to toughen up and get what he owes you in back support. He makes more than you do and you having to think about this issue quite often and it's playing on your stress and anxiety levels. I know you probably do not want to get a lawyer involved, but if he owes you that money, then he owes it to your son and his needs.

As for the OW, he's going to pull out all of the stops to show her that he's a great catch, right down to giving attention to her kids. Once he's gotten all he can from her in the way of kibbles, he'll drop her too...unless she takes the rose colored glasses off early on and sees him for what he is.

As for PTSD? It's possible you are having some of that whenever you think about him and what he put you thru. Maybe this is something you need to delved into a bit more to better understand if this is what is going on w/you. In the meantime, try to continue looking forward and not in the rear view mirror. What you are feeling about the money is very normal. I would be questioning myself on that one too.

[JujuB]

Thanks doodler and job.

There are tons of things i would like to do doodler. I had an idea for a way to open a small independent practice in a niche market in my field I would love to learn more about certain topics that tie into my profession. But all of that takes time and energy i dont have. Im working 2 jobs as it is. I know too many kids that come from single parents homes who have grown up with serious issues. My son is at risk. Hes adhd, gets into a lot of trouble. And my gut tells me he needs attention. Hes my only one. And i wanted him so much. So i spend spare time with him. The last few years i was running around taking him to special service stuff. I make my schedule so that i am there to drop him off to school most of the week and pick him up half of the week.

These walkaways dont understand how much their leaving affects every ones life. When 1 person has to provide the emotional and time needs of 2 parents its draining and the kid suffers. They just dont get it. How much harder it is. Instead they play the woe is me card regarding child support.

Job, i still have trauma. He left 3 years ago. But i only found out about the alcohol and most likely pill habit l.5 years ago. So its coming to terms with the fact that i was with someone that was living a double life. And everything is still speculation for me. I have no idea. Like was i merely a cover? He was probably in denial himself. I certainly was not being loved. I was demanding love. But he could not have possibly loved me. Did i love him? Its like, i dont really know what happened and i can only fit the holes in with speculations.

But how do you heal when you dont know what your healing from? So i keep going over it. On these boards, with my family, with people i meet. I am constantly saying or writing "5 years cc statements show 200 to 300 dollar a month from 3 different alcohol stores. 3 year baank statements show 700 a week plus 100 a day withdrawals from bad and out of the way atm withdrawals. We moved in with my parents for a year to save. My ex would never have done that unless he was desperate. We r both professionals. He had went to top schools. There should have been no need. He withdrew a lot from his IRA. He would not do that to hide money from me cause the penalties would be too high. He had a problem. " its just if you met him, its so not obvious.

[JujuB]

So im hormonal. I ruminate. Just warning.

I was crying when i was with NG. I was thinking about how being with him doesnt feel right. How i feel like its all just a bad dream. Or how i got stuck living the alternate life path. And someone else is living my reality.

I feel like my real life should have been living in a home with my ex husband the father of my son, and another child. Thats what my life was supposed to be. My ex was supposed to be a good provider and a good father. I was so cautious when we started dating. He was not a womanizer. Top schools. Seemed responsible and stable. He was so so so smart. The perfect sat score type. But he lives with his mom and depleted his ira.

My ex husband did not want that life i wanted. Or was incapable of having it. I gave him my youth, and now i have such a short span to possiby have another child at a much older age. Hard but a possibility. I am mentally a bit nutty, but physically i am actually in decent shape and older moms are not that uncommon here.

NG is willing. NG is willing to give me a life i want. He wants family and partnership. Not a lot of guys my age do. Most guys my age would not want another baby. Je would give it a go and says he is in a good position to do so. He interacts and engages with my son. He texts me every day. He tells me its ok to just walk into his home any time. Why is he willing when others are not? I think he finds me a good catch cause i am educated and considered attractive. Probably more attractive then other women he has been with. I think that might be the reason why. Plus i am pretty nice. Not the type that picks fights. Neither of us are cheater personality, both of us have been the sole parents of our children. He is very rough around the edges though and my friends, his family are surprised by the match. I feel like because of my age, i dont have that time to date around or even just be myself for a while. Im 40. This sounds arranged and overly practical. I know that. NG is safe though. He is willing to work through problems and conflict. He said he works hard at everything he does and would never give up on a relationship unless it was dangerous to continue in it.

My ex left me 3 years ago not too long after my miscarriage. He was having ED and we couldnt get pregnant again. I remember asking him to go with me to a fertility clinic and he became so mad. Told me the only reason i wanted to have sex was for a baby and that we needed marriage counseling. During marriage counseling he wasnt invested. The counselor would tell us to pick something for each of us to implement change. I asked for date night 1x a week. He said he wanted me to change my career because i didnt earn enough money. I will admit, i wanted things to work with my ex him because i wanted another baby so bad. That was the big reason that i validated and put up with really bad behavior from him the year before he left. I was desperate for another child. I never admitted this.

I dont know if i want to deal with another partner. I thought thats what i wanted. But having to compromise. Having to lose sleep cause of soneones snoring. Having a partner invested means needing to compromise. I disciplined and raised my son the way i wanted. My ex wasnt and isnt an involved dad. He just kind of plays one on TV. He sees my son more now (we split custody 20/80) then he did before we were separated. It i like not having to get upset over so eone elses discipline style. I am used to having things my way. I dont now if i am capable of compromising long term

. Someone pointed out that i get anxious and angry when people dont follow my unspoken rules. And that struck a chord. I have one really close best friend, but i keep distanced from other relationships cause i cant handle the demands and emotions and need to do things on other peoples terms for friendship maintenance. Maybe im somewhere on the spectrum. My son shows traits. How else does one possibly live with a secret addict that is disconnected emotionally and have no idea?

[DonH]

Juju I'm confused about what you have listed in your signature, which I'm not sure how oid it is or was last updated, but it seems not to coruspond with what you talk about. I guess it's no huge deal and I'm not trying to be a private investigator or anything but it certainly applies to anyone trying to provide insight and suggestions. Your signature lists you as 42 years old and your husband as 43, yet you just said you are 40??? The signature also lists you having "twins" but you talk only about your son - singular. Why the conflicting info? Especially since most of us don't update our signatures, and I think the summer H walked away was two or three years ago, correct? That could out you at as old as 45 - which is still reasonably young - but getting pregnant at 40 versus 45 can be a very large difference. Can you clear these up as well as why the conflicting info?