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Hi Jujub,

I think this is your ego that is envious that your ex can lead his life carefree, whereas you have your son and two job bs that keeps you busy.

Could I be right to think that you still think that what happened to you was/is unfair? I'm not asking this to make you feel bad. It's more that when I read what you wrote I feel the same and I believe that in my case I want my ex to feel what I felt and that I feel like life is unfair as ex gets away with murder.

All I can say (and it's easier said than done) is that it's in the past. You are poisoning yourself by overthinking and being "envious" of what ex's life could be.

In our cases exes are like who they are and unless they do the work on them (and realise what the causes are for them to behave the way they are) and decide to change by themselves it's something out of our control. So there is nothing you can do.

Men and women aren't geared the same way. There are some men out there who are great fathers and emotionally stable, and there are other who behave like kids and put themselves and their needs before their own children. Those people have some childhood issues to solve but we can't solve them for them. They need to face whatever has happened in their childhood and to deal with it once for all. However it does take courage to look at something one doesn't like and not many people are prepared to do that so they prefer to run.

For NG I would say follow your gut feeling. How do you feel when you think about him? How is your body language when you are with him? Is your body tensed or relaxed?

I hope I'm not out of line but are you with him for the right reasons or are you scared to be on your own for the rest of your life? So you have decided to settle for less than you deserve.

For me I have noticed that having expectations always create disappointment, so I try not to have any and try to live in the present.

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Thank you rouky, for making me think md reflect.

I am not envious of ex. I would never in a million years want to be him. I love being able to raise my son alone. I have an absolutely incredible relationship with my son, who is the sweetest and greatest child. I feel like this experience has in fact made me a much better mother. I am dedicated to raising him with positivity and to accepting him as he is. He is the best thing ever. I love my life with him. I love who he is. He is a reflection of my guidance and teaching. Thank you rouky for making me reflect on that.

You are right in that i do get caught up in the fairness of it. Its not fair that ex does not feel. That he gets to be guiltless. Does not realize the impact of his actions. I always wanted more children. My ex knew this when we first started dating over 15 years ago. I feel like his breaking that agreement with me at my age was the worst absolute worst thing he could have done to me. I feel like he murdered my chance at another child. And i will never ever forgive him for that. I mourned that the most. To me it was the greatest injustice.

With NG it changes day to day. My gut and my feelings. It depends on what i am feeding i think. But yeah. I do worry about settling and not following the signs i am seeing. In hindsight, my ex had many signs. He never had money. Thats weird considering his job. So these things i am seeing, i am afraid to one day look back and say oh god. I could have prevented all this. It was so pbvious!!!

But its more complicated. I have absolutely no fear of being alone. My dream would be to win the lottery, so i could buy a house and have another child and hire some help so that i could raise my children all by myself. I would be content doing this on my own. I could even take in foster kids. But i dont think i would be too disapointed not having a partner. I like childrens love and the love i feel for children more then anything. So being without a man is not the issue.
I worry that this is my last chance at a family though so i dont want to throw that away either cause of negativity and miss out on a good companion.


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So i have just been so sick and worn down. Everything would just be so much better if i could get rid of this cold.

I took a 2nd job which seems to require a lot of time and aggravation but it comes with flexible hours. Its fee for service, so im not sure that it will be worth it long term unless i switch over as a full or part time employee. Its just nice with a little one to have flexible hours and non evening hours. But i like outpatient work. Its what i know and what im good at. And i have a lot of people that come back to me. Just the evening hours are not easy. I will give per visit a year and then decide if i want to make a switch. I would Be closer to home and have day hours. Which is nice.

NG and i have been doing well. I took some space because of my schedule. He has been great regarding that and he has been offering to help me. Which is just really appreciated. I talked to him about the comments and he said he doesnt have malintent. That he just says things not thinking they are big and he realizes i see them as big. He want to fix things. He wants a relationship with me. He is into donestic stuff like cooking and the house. Which would be good for me cause i need the structure that comes with working away from the house.

I realize i view things as whats in it for me. I will reciprocate but i am not a nurturer unless its for children. So i need someone that is ok with that. I hear people say things like "im looking for a partner that i can do things for and be there for" Or something like that. And i dont know if thats BS. But i know thats not really me. Just being honest. I am loyal though and willing to work as a team mate.

My ex's mom was the type that did everything for everyone. She told me that the trick was she did not allow herself to sit down until 11 pm or else she would lose her energy. She worked full time, had dinner and breakfast for her family and kept her home immaculate. She also helped us with our son when she went down to part time work. She was an enabler and codependent as well. My ex wanted that. He told me directly when i asked him what he was looking for. "I want soneone like my mother" My ex knew i wasnt like that. I dont think he will find a modern girl like that. His mom is also loud and annoying and controlling and dramatic. But she was more the OW in our situation.. Ginger, one year she found out what my son was gonna be for halloween and matched him. I was so angry cause i didnt have money or time to get a costune together for myself to match son. I know its much worse when its OW as opposed to a MIL though. And at least they care and will invest in things that only benefit the kid. I tell myself.

Ok. Sorry for all the rambling.


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JujuB Offline OP
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So i was talking to a really sweet old woman today who was telling me about her sons divorce from a long time ago. She was talking me about how the ex wife (who is a very good person) is still bitter. And how much her son has to still pay her. And how her son faithfully sees the child every week and the wife did not allow sleepovers cause the wife is over protective. And how the ex wife doesnt fill him in on info and how her son does not pursue.

I just politely listened.

But that will be the narrative that others hear from my ex mil. Now someone like me, that has been through this will empathize with the ex wife. For the mil to admit shes a good person but still bitter even though she remarried is code to me for her son really f'd her over big time in some way. Most people will not be able to decode though. And it would take a rare person to call the mil out.

I just hate narrative changes and rhia annoyed me.


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I feel like i am in a constant state of woe is me and i know i have to embrace a more positive outlook, but i am feeling the need to vent and i guess put it all out there in writing.

1. I have had this chronic sinus -cough thing thats making it really hard for me to function. They prescribe different meds and i am so sensitive to the side effects. Its really frustrating not having energy to do everything i need to do. And i am barely getting through my day. . My dr suggested it could be anxiety causing it and im now trialing a new med and im not sure its really a psycho somatic issue.

1. My jobs have just been so demanding lately. The pt demand is just so high and there is no down time. I am constantly being asked for more and while it would help me financially, i cant do it. I am sick and by the end of the day my symptoms just get worse and worse. (The positive point is that i have lots of options and i am good at what i do. I am never bored and there are constant learning opportunities. )

2. I feel like i struggle in my school district. My son wants play dates so badly. But a lot of the other kids are part of sports teams on the weekends or do family time. I never really established a social group with the other moms. my son wants friends for weekend activities and begs me to reach out. But its akward here to do that on a constant basis. Yes, sometines i do. But in the beginning of the year its hard cause socially, you have to first interact a bit with the parent.s .
Mention, "we should do a play date one day" first and then follow through. he does not understand that i cant just call someone out of the blue. .

I also feel like i was embarassed and did not quite fit in as a single mom living with her parents. I can get along and converse with parents but i do sense this isolation. Im not sure if its the norm for my area.

I also feel like i cant do enough. My school district is filled with high perforner parents and i cant keep up. Meetings, projects, activities. I thought i was doing well by getting to this sign up for extra classes an hour early. Well, parents were literally camped out on line way over 2 hours before hand so my son will be on a waiting list.

I just hate all the structured activities. It adds this huge component of stress. And then im trying to get stuff done for my son and hes upset cause im not paying attention to him. And i know hes the priority, but i have all this logistical paper work to do for him and its always given to me when im with him.


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Just remember J, you don't see the parents that don't show up. You are showing up for your son. That's the most important thing.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Thanks zues.

I feel like the majority of the parents do show up here.

Teacher requested that i send in a family picture and something so simple becomes a major pain for me. My son is difficult to reign in to even get a picture of. All of the pics i have are of just of him. I hate pics of myself. And then it becomes an issue if he has 1 of me and him and not his dad. I dont even have recent pics of the 2 of them together.
Plus its extra work cause i have no photo paper and on top of my jobs and all his other assignments. I just cant keep up anymore. Just this simple assignment that is a piece of cake for most is an annoyance to me.

I need time to catch up. And i attempted to lighten my schedule only to have new job literally beg for me to take more pts. I need to get back into exercise and meditation and clean and organize and im struggling with balancing new job.


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Juju,

I completely understand being stretched in so many different directions. But you have to take care of yourself, else you can't take care of others.

In the beginning, when D11 first started school, I didn't sign her up for any activities but dance, and I was not an involved school mom. I mean, I showed up when all the parents were invited, but I did nothing extra. I was such a failure, I couldn't even get my daughter into girl scouts! That was where lots of the friendships were made, between parents and kids.

In Kindergarten, my daughter luckily made an instafriend and brought us parents close together. They are besties to this day. I am good friends with their parents, I just celebrated their 50th with them. They brought me close to the parents I didn't know existed in my town, who are my type of people. We all drink , curse, and love our kids fiercely. It's completely the no judgement zone. I always felt like I might be judged for being the single parent. At that birthday party, everyone said to me, men and women alike, how much they admired me for buying my house on my own because they know it isn't easy and all genuinely offered to help in any way that they could.

Start small. find out recreational activity your son would like. Not one that takes up a bunch of days a week, but one day a week. be confident in yourself and invite the other kids over. A birthday part is a great way to help him make some play date friends too. The best part? When he gets a bit older, you send them over, you get time to yourself! You help each other out when you are in a bind. Me and D11's bestie parents are always helping eachother on snow days, delayed openings, practices, whatever it may be. It's great.

Find your tribe. You will. You are doing just fine. It all becomes overwhelming, I understand. But remember you are more than good enough.

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Thank you ginger. I have done all of that. I was actually a co den leader last year but turn out was so small.

Part of it is that my son is a bit much. He is adhd and very socially immature. He is outgoing so he makes friends but has trouble keeping them. The kids that are similar to him end up in a love hate relationship with battles for control. Academically, my son doeas great. But he is the kid that the teachers have to make sure to separate from other kids each year. He cant participate in team sports which would have helped a lot. I have tried to have play dates over my parents house, and my parents end up wanting to kill me. It makes it hard. Last year i tried to meet up at parks. And that worked. But not on the basis my son craves.

Its hard being the only child when you are social and cant play by yourself. I wish i had a tribe like you do. I dont know why thats hard for me.


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So i know what im about to talk about is small fries conpared to the feelings of jealousy and rejection every one of you here has encountered. But i am stull hurt and upset.

In my sitch, i never really knew about any OW. A year before BD he was going to gym and dressing nicer though. So really good chance of affair. But no one significant. He always swore he wasnt cheating. He also had ED. But maybe just with me. But he had that going back as well.
What i do know for sure is that 5 years of credit card statements showed he was secretly drinking. About 220 to 350 a month from 3 different liquor stores. And he was lying to me about going to these liquor stores. I k ow he withdrew a lot from his IRA to pay off unremarkeable credit card bills he was paying bare minimum on. And i know h3 years of atm statements show he was withdrawing about 100 a day and an additional 700 to 800 a week from atms in bad neighborhoods.

His persona, how he looks, how he dresses, his job, his luxury car. They do not match all of those financial statements
.
But i never had to contend with the jealousy of another woman. It could be he was hiding that too. But i dont know.

Anyway, my son was telling me how they are going to pick up some little girl (who is young and never would be an appropriate play mate so i know ow she is the daughter of soneone he has been dating a while now)

And it bothered me so so so much!!!!

I dont know why. It just really bothers me. It should not. I read all of your sitches. Gingers and roukys and v's come to mind and think, "those OW are much worse off" but for some reason i still FEEL this sense of failure. I wonder what she looks like. My ex once told me when we dated "he only dates good looking woman" and this bothers me, because i know she would be good looking.

NG and i have been pretty good. Its a year now. The issues i had concern have not been issues.he told me he would never let something like that ruin a relationship. He buys me fine jewelry. He makes me a priority. My ex never did that.
But my ex was the type that looked good on paper. The guy every female would pick on OLD. Career, height, looks.
Comes across as kind and humble and shy and honest. He was such a cruel, cruel person leading up to amd during BD though.

I am just left feeling confused though.


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