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Is this what happens when you let go of the rope and fall to the bottom of the abyss?


D - I think when everyone first comes to the board they don't really understand the concept that there are no quick fixes. It really is a marathon and you have to pace yourself. I also think that a lot of people come here thinking that their sitch is different or they are still in denial with what has occurred. As time goes on though we gradually start to accept what has happened, realize that there is a high probability that they are not coming back, and then people truly find out what they are made of. I believe it is at that juncture when people either push on through, and really start doing things for themselves, making lasting improvements or they backslide from their hard earned changes, stop posting, and then you never know what happens to them.

So it may not be the Abyss but you could be starting to feel reality set in and potentially some acceptance.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
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Davide Offline OP
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Joseph,

Your message really speaks to me. I have been laying low for a couple of days trying to sort things out in my head. I think there definitely has been some reality setting in, both with the message from my W, my return to city life, and my impending return to my house and all that entails. The lows and depression of the past week have been hard to deal with. It is really hard to understand that progress is not linear and that there will be ups and downs. This was definitely the biggest low that I have experienced since the first few weeks post BD.

I am confused and torn between fighting to maintain the changes I had been making, and sitting with and listening to the pain. I can't seem to do both. In my low moments those changes seem illusory. I need to reality check myself about the slow but real progress I have made. I am more mindful. I am more ok sitting with myself. I am aware of self-esteem and codependency issues I need to work on. I am more attuned to the reality of my situation (painful as that is.) I think a lot of my problem is lack of patience. I felt like I was getting to a better place with myself pretty quickly, and thus this setback has been hard to take.

The other strange thing for me is that I have found it less comforting to come here and read and comment on other people's sitches. There seems to be a flood of new LBSs and it just seems sad and depressing that there is so much hurt out there. It does make me appreciate the courage and the generosity of those experts who keep coming back and helping us newbies. I can only hope that it isn't as painful for them and that they get some satisfaction from all the work they put in. My thanks again to all of them.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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This is why in the end the changes have to be for you or they will never stick. It is a mindset......when you hear the vets talk about there is a good possibility your spouse will wake and want to recon when your new you hang on to that hope. Eventually the hope starts to fade and you realize that if it is going to happen it will be after D has occurred.

Everyone’s spouse is different......some are more open to returning while others are not. The fight and the struggle is with yourself it is not with your W. You have to fight your urges, fight your temptations, fight backsliding on your hard earned changes, etc. Over time you begin to make the shift for your w to yourself......the quicker you do that the quicker you will begin to heal.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
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Davide Offline OP
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Hey folks.

I am finally back at my parents' place which means a break from the road for a little bit before I return back home in 10 days.

Unfortunately I haven't been able to shake the depression that has been dogging me since early last week. It's like a dark fog that doesn't let in any sunshine or positive thoughts about the future and strips me of my desire to do anything. I have been pushing through as much as I can, but it has been a struggle. My motivation and confidence in myself to effect any lasting shifts are at a low. I think the reality of my situation is finally fully hitting me. The 9 thousand miles I have driven over the past 6.5 weeks is surely also weighing on me physically. I am starting to worry obsessively about what it is going to be like to return to my home without my wife. I think my deepest fear is that I simply won't be able to handle living in the space, that I will have some sort of emotional meltdown. Of course worrying about it obsessively isn't helping my mental state right now. Driving the past few days I needed podcasts to distract me as it was the only way I could make it through 6-7 hours a day in the car.

Is it a good thing that I am experiencing this sadness? That I am letting reality in? The negative part is that it seems to spiral into depression and almost self-loathing. I think I am missing the balance necessary to experience the pain and dealing with reality without falling into this trap.

Now that I am traveling less for a bit I would like to try to get into more of a routine with yoga and meditation, as well as exercise. I think those things sustained me in the months directly post-BD. Of course, blind hope and an inability to grasp the reality of my situation probably also helped.

Interestingly, now that I am facing the reality of my situation more head-on, the less desire I have to see or even hear from W. It seems like that is just going to set me back and put me in a bad place. Is that normal? Before, I would have taken any opportunity to see her to show her my progress, but now I just don't want to deal with her. It's definitely not detachment because I don't want to deal with the emotional repercussions of seeing her. If I were nicely detached then there wouldn't be any emotional repercussions.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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welcome back D- good to see you are still here.
Now that I am traveling less for a bit I would like to try to get into more of a routine with yoga and meditation, as well as exercise. I think those things sustained me in the months directly post-BD. Of course, blind hope and an inability to grasp the reality of my situation probably also helped.
I can only speak for myself but I find daily exercise helps to keep me more stable by productively occupying my time and also with the release of endorphins can help battle depression. Hoping this will help you get out of the pit of despair. Keep on going! Stay Well!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Letting the sadness in is just fine, it's the self-loathing that isn't. Since I started medication and IC, the self-loathing has gone away entirely and the lack of self-esteem was easy to start rebuilding. I'm still devastated over the sitch, but I never direct the anger inward. I have regrets and wish I could go back and do several things differently and sooner, but I can forgive myself for it and I don't berate myself over it like I would have in the throes of depression. As someone who carried that pain around for more than 30 years, the difference now is undeniable. I was afraid of seeking help and afraid of therapy and medication. I was wrong to be.

The pain is going to happen, the emotional meltdowns will happen. But you need to address it when it turns into self-loathing and your self-esteem is suffering. Fear is okay, fear is going to happen, but if it becomes uncontrollable and you are doubting yourself this much, then it's not okay. You can get through this. You WILL get through this. Don't worry about if you are detached enough or not, it will happen eventually. Be strong, Davide. Dig deep. Do the yoga, meditation and exercise; I sincerely hope it helps enough. But don't let the depression linger too long unaddressed!


M: 40 W: 37
T: 20 MR: 13
S13, S9, S4
BD: 1/29/18
Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out)
8/24/18 I come home, she moves out

If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
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Originally Posted by Davide
Hey folks.
Interestingly, now that I am facing the reality of my situation more head-on, the less desire I have to see or even hear from W. It seems like that is just going to set me back and put me in a bad place. Is that normal? Before, I would have taken any opportunity to see her to show her my progress, but now I just don't want to deal with her. It's definitely not detachment because I don't want to deal with the emotional repercussions of seeing her. If I were nicely detached then there wouldn't be any emotional repercussions.


Now this is an example of you getting back in touch with who you truly are.

Its desperation time, so you will drop your normal role to get back to basics.

And that less desire is an example of that... you know whats truly important

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Yes totally normal from my experience.
I have no desire to see or hear from WAW.
Pretty much think she is giant idiot right now and a toxic person.
She is not who I married and unless she has some awakening I am not interested in dealing with her BS.


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
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D - Your emotions are subsiding, your coming down off the rush and you are realizing that focusing on your W and analyzing her every move is exhausting. Everyone does it early on that is why the quicker you can implement what Sandi has laid out the quicker you will begin to heal.

What you are going through and feeling is perfectly normal.

You need to do things that increase your confidence and make you feel good about yourself. That is the only thing you should be focused on.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 216
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Sheesh, it seems like forever you've been travelling! Do you think being back at your parents house, a place you feel safe and that holds such a big piece of your life is providing the safety net for this onset of depression? Stability and routine is also what we tend to crave when things get chaotic in our life and so maybe you're ready to get back and just accept this new normal, whatever it is. There's bound to be some apprehension about the "whatever it is" that the new normal is going to look like. Try to enjoy the rest of your trip, go back to the beginning and remember why you started it. Get the most out of every last second, whatever is to come will come. And you will be ok.


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
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