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Rouky #2801024 07/12/18 09:55 PM
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Hi rouky

I would not expect anything different from your ex. His history shows this. I do not think you are over reacting. It would annoy me as well. I am not sure what you can really do though if nothing was established in a divorce decree.

Personally, i dont like posting pics of my son on facebook. If you feel similar, i think it is ok to request that from ex and his new girlfriend. Maybe in writing and express the reason why.

I know your ex would not listen to you. But what about a neutral counselor?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Rouky #2802934 07/22/18 01:55 PM
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Feeling a bit down at the moment and I don't know if it's my heart or my ego (or shall I say pride) that is hurt. EX is now using the term us when he talks about him and his GF. What really hurt the most was that he changed his FB pictures to put a picture of him and her. I know i shouldn't look at his FB page. I'm sad as during our 11 years of marriage there has never been a picture of us as a married couple. Also he never put pictures of his others GF. This one has only been in his life 2 months and he is making a big statement to the world.

While I'm writing this I a ralsing that I'm talking from jealousy/ Pride point of view. How come this man who cheating on me for 2 years, then cheated on the woman he cheated me with be happy? How come he gets all these dates and I'm still single. I tried dating websites and it's not for me at ALL!

I'm a good person, kind, caring, with a weird sense of humour, helpful, not manipulative, deceitful, however I am still single (i do go out). Why life is so unfair? Why does he deserve to be happy? How come he can look at himself in the mirror and not feel any guilt? I feel guilty for kicking him out as it meant that was the end of my marriage!

i know that he isn't stable. This year was the first time in 3 years that he didn't turn up to a major sport event for our daughters. Also this week my kids are with him as it is supposed to be his holidays week with them, then I found out that he is working (whereas for the last two years he has always taken this week off. I guess now he has to share his 4 weeks holidays between his kids and his GF!!

Gosh I am so bitter. I don't deserve this. NOr do my kids!

Rouky #2802937 07/22/18 02:39 PM
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Rouky,

He's in love with being in love He doesn't know what true, deep love is. For all we know, he could be doing the "love bombing" exercise w/the new one. She not special either, she just happened along and made his ego feel so much better than the last one. Those who have issues, usually will bounce around and until they come to realize that in order to love themselves, they need to look within for that happiness. He'll being happy until the shine wears off this relationship and he'll be looking once again.

No, you don't sound bitter, you sound very, very hurt. No, you and the kids didn't deserve this...but you need to look at this another way...be thankful he's not living under your roof while acting out. Trust me when I say this, it would have been an eggshell event each and every day and it would have gotten to you and your children more than you realize. It is best he is out on the street. He needs to grow up and learn responsibility and be accountable for his actions.

He will only be happy until a new "toy" comes along.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Rouky #2809560 08/29/18 11:18 AM
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I can't believe that after more than 3 years I'm still resentful. Ex GF put pictures of my kids on her FB profile when I explicitly asked ex not to. I don't put photos of them on FB as I feel they are too young to be already exposed to it. Told ex about it. He ignored me and now his GF blocked me.

I know I shouldn't have looked at it but I never put pictures of my step daughter put of respect for her mum and I fed she was too young too to be exposed to it. I would hope that I would get the same treatment but I guess not.

I'm looking for advice as I have to admit I don't know how to let go. I'm bitter that he has moved on and not tried to save the marriage. On the other hand would I want to be married to someone like that no. I don't understand why when people hurt other people intentionally move on with their life and are happy. I can't let go of the unfairness and I can't bring myself to go dating as I don't want to be hurt again.

I'm poisoning myself and it is a constant battle between me and my brain. I can't seem to switch off. I have been doing so well so why now.

Oh I know. I'm jealous of her. She is now living the life that we should have had with our kids. I see no consequences for my ex for what he did. I feel worthless and not even a good mother as I do not do as much as they do with the girls. I hate the fact that my kids love their dad when I have always been looking after them. Now he is behaving how I knew he was capable of but not with me. So I guess I brought the worst in him like he did with me.

I'm jealous because this woman is going to marry him and she is going to leave what should have been my life. I have read stories that cheaters do change with the right person. Why couldn't it be me? I was devoted to him. I supported him whenever he wanted to do something. Yes it's true that I wasn't fun to live with. I come from a family where fun was t something we would normally do.

I honestly don't know how to have fun. I don't want to be bitter all my life. I want justice. Is it too hard to ask?

Rouky #2809582 08/29/18 01:06 PM
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Rouky,

You had the same fears and anxiety regarding your ex's last girlfriend. And what happened? He cheated on her and left her. He has done this to every single woman he has been with. He will continue to do this. Ex's girlfriend does not have the life you want. She is with a fair weather friend and is posting rhe pics of someone elses kids. When the mom specidically asked her not to. Thats pretty pathetic.

Did you spell out the reasons why you dont want your kids pictures on facebook? Or did you go through your ex, who might want to insight anger?

I never go on facebook. Is there a way you can publicly post on her page or on the tagged photos "pleqse stop posting my kids pics up on a public page. It makes me unconfortable". That might embarass her.

Is there any way you can contact facebook directly? I know it is illegal to take pictures of other kids without the parents permission. I think this is really valid and i do not want my sons pics out there either. Has your divorce agreement been finalized yet? This is def something to add.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Rouky #2809585 08/29/18 01:14 PM
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Hi Rouky. This is my first time writing to you. Iīm really sad you are feeling this way now. I can see you are suffering. Your kids are suffering, surely your EX is suffering. Let me tell you, from a former WH myself, thereīs sadness on the other side too. But as time goes by, you know itīs not always like this, right?

We live in a real world. Thereīs injustice everywhere. So itīs up to us the way we choose to live. Sometimes our reality is very unfair, but it is ours, we can change it. Itīs not easy but what else can we do? Just take the wins into account but not forgeting the losses as we learn from them. Willingness to do something requires energy. Use that negative energy you are getting sometimes to grow yourself, to improve and become a better person.

You can be proud of yourself, your kids are seeing you as a role model. You are there for them, you are the caretaker, you are the lighthouse. Your kids will always love their father too, even if they do not understand him. But they know who to trust: you.

Take your time to walk, then walk.

Sending you a big hug


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Rouky #2809591 08/29/18 01:36 PM
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My ex married the OW 7 years ago. I remember the first time seeing her post a pic of her and my daughter on FB. I only saw red. Now all her profile pictures are of the 3 of them. She wears "twinning" clothes with my daughter and posts pics on FB. They actually entered my home the other week with the same T-shirt. That got under my skin big time.

I thought for a while that my ex and his new wife were living the life we should have had. It's not really the case. he is still him, he is still no good, and treats his wife and sadly, our daughter, very much the way he did me. So, they might be all under the same roof, vacationing together, taking pictures together, but I don't believe if my ex and I were together we would be living some great life. My daughter would be more exposed to seeing my ex treat me like garbage. That's not a magical life. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Please, you are a wonderful mother who provides the stability. My ex and his wife provide vacations and family parties and all that stuff. But I provide the decent home, the homework help, the trust that mom is taking care of everything she needs for school, health, life. She knows when it's important, she comes to me. I sent her dad to a school Ipad meeting last night. He has her and he could go. She kept telling me I had to go because I am the one who takes care of everything! Trust me, they know.

Your kids will recognize how strong you are and all you do for them. Ho you have overcome adversity to give them stability. Trust me. My daughter is just about 11, and she sees it. And not to brag, but my daughter is one amazing little girl. And I know it's because she sees all her mom does to give her a good life and how I get my stuff handled.

I really do understand how you feel. I was there for a long time. As time goes on, some of these things might still sting, but they don't linger. You can turn right back to all the positive.

Rouky #2809677 08/29/18 07:02 PM
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I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from and I felt that way initially when I separated and began divorce proceedings. I was mad as h3ll that my XH cheated on me then moved right on to be with her and ultimately even married her. But, you know what I learned? She is NOT living my life. She is living her life. Granted, my XH and I don't share children, so I may feel differently if we did, but he did have children from his first marriage when he and I married and I have actually urged his daughters to have a relationship with her because she is their stepmom now.

I have been where you are, honestly. I don't know if this helps you or if you even want to hear it, but the thing that worked wonders for me was a good counselor. I didn't date for awhile after my D because I just didn't feel like I was in a place to. I think that is a decision everyone has to make for themselves, but for me, not dating helped me focus on my own life and let go of "what might have been" if my XH had kept it in his pants.

I agree with what Juju said about how he'll continue to cheat on women. I honestly believe once a cheater always a cheater because it rings true over and over and over and over again with most people who cheat. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and just continue to provide a strong and stable role model for your kids. They will see the truth and probably realize even more than you know what is really going on.

Hang in there!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
JujuB #2809701 08/29/18 09:17 PM
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Originally Posted by JujuB
I know it is illegal to take pictures of other kids without the parents permission. I think this is really valid and i do not want my sons pics out there either.


Where are you getting this information from Juju? Can you state which law makes it illegal to take pictures of kids without the parents permission? I'm sure you can't because such a law does not exist. This is an area that so many people are very confused about. I think it may come from commercial use laws but so long as they are not using the child in an advertisement or some other commercial venture, there is absolutely no laws against taking photos of someone - adult or child - so long as they are in a public place and of course don't violate nudity laws, etc. However, I can take a photo of any person I would like walking down a street, playing in a park, at an event, etc. and post it on Facebook and it's not illegal. Creepy, or weird or really odd - yes - but illegal, no. In fact, I can just about guarantee that if you ventured outside of your house today, your picture was taken. There are security cameras EVERYWHERE. Pretty much everyone has a smartphone. There are cameras on street corners, inside and outside of pretty much every store. More and more people have them in and outside of their homes. It's just reality of the world we live in today. Our privacy while in public is pretty much gone - it just is. For some reason this tends to really freak some people out. In fact, some at first don't even believe that anyone can take a photo of them without their permission - but it really is true - "Photography is not a Crime."


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Rouky #2809759 08/29/18 11:13 PM
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I always thought it was illegal as all of my sons schools and camps have always had parents sign a form before the session allowing pics to be taken. But you are right don. no laws. Except for commercial use. That is scary!!!
And except for georigia.. it was a law but possibly getting revoked.

Also look up COPPA.. (www.ftc.gov) Childrens Online Privacy Protective Act. It says that websites must get parental conset forr children under 13 for commercial websites and online services. But what is confusing to me is that it says "coppa only covers info collected online from children...it is not triggered by an adult uploading photos of children" so also very confusing.

I guess i can understand both sides.

Lets say a journalist wanted to photograph children in war or getting abused or starving. It is important documentation and serves a purpose for the world and policy.

Butt as a parent i would be nervous having someone tag and post my sons pic in front of his school so that any random nutjob would know what school he goes to, along with lots of other info. (My dad was actually in the news paper for something positive and had some weirdo harass him. We found out this guy was doing it to lots of other people as well and he eventually stopped)

Also in terms of cyber bullying. How scary. You can post an unflattering pic of a child and basically torture them with it? For everyone to see?

I guess we are still in that wild west phase concerning online regulation.

Personally, i think we should differentiate facebook from national geographic but how to legally define? Especially when facebook is considered a news source?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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