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A Message from Michele
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Re: Making New Lives [Re: JujuB] #2799357
07/03/18 10:17 AM
07/03/18 10:17 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,750
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JujuB Offline OP
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JujuB  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,750
I dont know if its a case of I need to lighten up, or hes belittling me when he is in a stressful or unknown environment to ease his own feelings of inferiority.

I cant tell. I have the fdeling it was the later, since it occurred when we were bith sleep deprived and catching a super early flight.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Making New Lives [Re: JujuB] #2799389
07/03/18 11:58 AM
07/03/18 11:58 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
V
Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Posts: 8,855
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It might be both ju.

Instead of a asking why. Try saying what can I do to change my reaction?

Then when you get home consider. How can I lighten up?

How can I approach finding out if this is a stress reaction.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Making New Lives [Re: Vanilla] #2799390
07/03/18 12:00 PM
07/03/18 12:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
I hate that word try. Let me rephrase ask what can I do to lighten up and how can I change my emotional state when this happens again?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Making New Lives [Re: Vanilla] #2799406
07/03/18 01:43 PM
07/03/18 01:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,750
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JujuB Offline OP
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JujuB  Offline OP
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Im just not sure if its something i want. I dont find it fun banter. I found it grating and i am consiously thinking, "if i do something stupid, go the wrong way in an airport i dont know, hes gonna call me out on that"

(You know how bad i am am with directions)

It just doesnt evoke warm feelings. It undermines me and now my guard is up. Its not playful. It just makes it adversarial and i have had enough adversary to last a lifetime.

Im tired. I think i went foe him cause of morals without caring enough about whether our personalities jive.

You are right though. We are only dating.
I owe him honesty. I owe him respect. But wwe are not married.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Making New Lives [Re: JujuB] #2799412
07/03/18 02:30 PM
07/03/18 02:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,750
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JujuB Offline OP
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JujuB  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,750
I feel like im a happier and better person when im not in a relationship. Im more motivated, in better shape, take care of myself better, more fun loving, more flirtacious, I feel more hope. The quest to attract someone. Even the unknown person that you might encounter.

Now what is it about being in a relationship that changes all of that for me? Why do i suddenly feel like im in a Richard Yates novel?

Maybe its because i am settled into reality? As opposed to the fantasy and hope of the unknown? The reality being that people are not always as you hope. There is give and take. Flaws. Disappointment.

I guess a good thing is that sexual needs are met when you have a relationship. But maybe thats why the proverbial fatness developes. You no longer have to work for those needs.

But a divorced person in a relationship. Its a different dynamic. You dont have kids together to work for. You dont have a life together. Investments. Whats the real point?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Making New Lives [Re: JujuB] #2799428
07/03/18 06:40 PM
07/03/18 06:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,139
K
kml Offline
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The point is companionship, someone having your back.

But you have to figure out, is this guy an insensitive jerk or are you bringing some past history into this relationship?

It takes time to get to know someone. But yeah - someone who is going to bicker with you over which bench you sit on may not be a match.

I'm a lot older than you, and I do question right now how much I want in a relationship. After the fiasco last year with the bipolar ex boyfriend I didn't date at all for half a year, then I only dated a safely Love Avoidant friend from the past once a month or so.

Now he's disappeared and I finally felt ready to date again. Or thought I was - now that I'm dating a very sweet man who is really into me I find I'm having trouble matching his enthusiasm. Maybe I'm just becoming a tad Love Avoidant myself.

But you're much younger and I don't think you should give up on love and companionship. But dating is about finding out who that other person is; if you're finding out he's irritable this early in the relationship , don't ignore the red flags.

Re: Making New Lives [Re: kml] #2799461
07/04/18 12:00 AM
07/04/18 12:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,750
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JujuB Offline OP
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JujuB  Offline OP
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Deep down, hes not a jerk. It seems like he follows a good moral compass. Like he would be loyal. He would work hard for his family. Hes not the type to leave to go find happiness.

Hes blue collar and talks to me like a trucker though, which i dont like. What woman wants to hear "are you an ahole? We gotta get on line now" when they are on vacation. Thats his language how he talks to family, to his best friend.
I am not like that at all. If i was calling someone an ahole, its because i have deep anger, hatred, and resentment for them.
I found that comment really belittling and it puts me in a posituon where i have to call him out on it and be insulting so as not to look like his b.tch. hence the banter.
Thats just not my personality. Im more feminine. And i dont want to feel on. Like i have to be prepared for a comeback with someone on a daily basis. It wont feel humorous to me. It will feel adversarial.
And this is who he is.

So its not just morals. You jave to be compatible with some one as well i guess.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Making New Lives [Re: JujuB] #2799473
07/04/18 01:26 AM
07/04/18 01:26 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,139
K
kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,139
Well if you truly believe this is just a speaking style and not a negativity problem, why not discuss it with him? His response will tell you a lot.

Re: Making New Lives [Re: kml] #2799511
07/04/18 08:54 AM
07/04/18 08:54 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Posts: 5,301
Hi Juju, I was interested to read your recent posts and sorry too, that you've hit a bit of a bend in the road with this guy. I've been seeing a guy for four or five months now and, whilst things are largely good, I too have struggled with navigating some of the issues in a new relationship.

Things I try to do now that I didn't do before (in my marriage.) I try to be pretty direct and pleasant about where I'm at. If something isn't working for me, or I don't like it, I normally say so. Rather than withdrawing my affection or company - I try and say what's on my mind. I have to say I find it pretty excruciating at times to do that - and so does he I think - but he's still here and so am I.

I can see that what you describe might feel pretty wearing. I could imagine my stepson saying the curtain thing. Like it was my responsibility - who knew??? So, rather than bicker - which is tempting when we feel got at - I might try to say - in a pleasant and non-argumentative tone - You're welcome to close the curtains if the light's disturbing you. Or - please don't call me that - I don't like it (A-hole) - pleasant and firm.

Reading co-dependant no more helped me with a couple of questions. Does this work for me? And - What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation?

Again, with your son, a direct conversation may be good - You haven't initiated spending any time with S, since we last did X. Are you feeling okay about us all spending time together?

I certainly try not to overthink things these days - in truth (and I've been up front about this too) I'm not really looking to marry, share finances or even cohabit. And that does take off some pressure - if things don't work out - and I would be sad - we would stop seeing each other and I would be back where I was six months ago. And there would be some good and some not so good things about that - but I don't fear it...

Anyway, I hope there might be something in there that could be of use & I hope things unfold positively for you Juju. Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Making New Lives [Re: kml] #2799512
07/04/18 09:00 AM
07/04/18 09:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,750
J
JujuB Offline OP
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JujuB  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,750
I will have to kml. Im cooling down a bit. I did mention it in a lighter way earlier on and he didnt get the hint.

Your right though. It could be a negativity issue, which is something i have worked so hard on. So as im more positive, ive learned what its like to deal with someones negativity. Talk about karma. I am really feeling sick, that i could have been like that with my ex. Not the cursing or anything. But the criticism amd resentment for everything. It makes me feel really really bad. I justify it as "ex was ridiculous. His habits were ridiculous" but ng is saying to hinself "shes ridiculous. Why is she always going the wrong way etc. "

I understand now (since my ex left me) that its about supporting and respecting each other regardless of who is fing up.
I bet if i was more like that with my ex, he wpuld have come to me with the finanical and addiction issues. Or maybe there would have neen no addiction issues.

I feel sad that i am a better person for other men now. But could have been for ex.

Whats happening with NG is im pissed, so distanced and not wanting to make an effort. I feel like i have 1 foot out the door right now. Both me and NG grew up in similar areas. The pre gentrified boroughs of NY. Had parents with similar cultures and backgrounds. Wonder if thats where that cynicism, and negativity develop.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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