Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2794287 06/06/18 01:55 AM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
D
Dtrmned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
Hit 10 pages again so starting number 3!
Here is a link to #2 if you wish to catch up.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...082#Post2794082

This morning more journaling than anything. Brief synopsis of my sitch. Been together 21 years M 18, 2 kids still at home. Rough few years financially (lost business, bankruptcy, foreclosure, all of it). BIG strain on MR that wasn't perfect at first, but we were committed to each other (I still am). The strain didn't leave much room for anything and we both took different diametrical paths to get through it which pushed us very far apart. I reached, she withdrew. She decides fall of last year she wants a D. We talk and nothing happens. Over the holidays she recommits to work on our MR. Bad medical issues continually haunt us and that is what kept any connection from happening during this time. 6 weeks later she files for D. We talk and she withdraws the petition a week later. I started doing research and found this site around then, got the book and started lurking, the posting. W still says she is determined to go for the D. Hasn't done anything to move it forward and right now I am working on detachment, 180's and GAL (challenged by our financial situation). DB steps seem to be working a little (I am getting some noticing and reactions along the way) but am cautious as not to react too quickly or read too much into it. We have a long road to go.

This morning I am just a bit melancholy. The weekend was fairly uneventful (no arguments, fights or bad discussions). I thought last night there was going to be one (good or bad you get those feelings sometimes). But, it was just a normal night at home. Went for my run, asked W how day was, she said she was busy all day and was pooped. I went for my run, showered and we watched a little tv together then went to bed.

We are polite with one another and that is all for now. I am very much taking Sandi's advice on this one to treat my W as if she were a cashier at a store. Not unpleasant but not overly interested in the response either. More just in my head this morning and wish I could help the process along with our MR. I feel a ton better about myself, my self worth, my value, and who I am just based on the last few months of work. I realize I was (am) a fixer and I took it upon myself to make sure everyone was taken care of along the way for years. Not doing that all anymore frees up a bunch of time to work on myself. I am still there for my kids, and my W when she needs it. Not at her command, but within reason.

I feel the scales are shifting slightly and I am just concerned that I keep continuing on my path, try my best not to worry about the final outcome, have faith and hope for the best!


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
D
Dtrmned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
Reading through some posts and gaining more insight.

Steve85, I know you have said this before, but reading again what you said to someone this morning that "limbo is the gift of time. Each day you are in limbo you are still married and not D."

And always use Sandi's rule: Never Give Up!!!

Somedays are easier than others...


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Just to be clear, I stole that from another poster. Not sure who it was. I repeat it often because it gave me such a great perspective on limbo, which I thought I hated until that was pointed out to me.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
D
Dtrmned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
I agree wholeheartedly!

Limbo [censored]! But the alternative presently would be moving ahead and doing the D, so as at present, as HARD as it is, it is moving forward with my life, taking care of my kids, doing the things I must do. And even though I realize that I am waiting for my W, being sure that I am not dependent on her decision. Knowing that I will be good either way, eventually even great again!


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
D
Dtrmned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
Outside of one interesting question, an uneventful day and night yesterday.

Prior to bed, my S came came down to say goodnight to me and my W. He asked "Dad, where are we going on vacation this summer?"
W was sitting right beside me and heard it all.
My response was just "Me and your mommy will have to talk about it, Good night son, we love you".

I don't know about how it felt to W, but that one kind of stung me. Here we are, well W, planning her departure and working towards a D (with no present movement of course) and our S asking about how we are all going to enjoy summer together. I didn't say anything to W after he left, but I bet that one stung her a little bit. Or maybe she is still in her fog and didn't even hear it as an issue. I can't read her mind, but I felt the question deeply. As I said, I didn't react, just said what I said, gave him a hug and a kiss and sent him off to bed.

I hope she heard it, thinks about it, and puts this in the realization category of how things will be if we do D.


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: JustSad
Prior to bed, my S came came down to say goodnight to me and my W. He asked "Dad, where are we going on vacation this summer?"


I would suggest planning a vacation for you and the kids. You want to try and keep things as consistent and "normal" for the kids as possible, and if a summer vacation is normal then don't break the tradition because of your W. Plan it out and then tell W your plans. It's up to you whether you want to invite her along or not, but go regardless of whether she does.

Quote:
I didn't say anything to W after he left, but I bet that one stung her a little bit. Or maybe she is still in her fog and didn't even hear it as an issue. I can't read her mind, but I felt the question deeply. As I said, I didn't react, just said what I said, gave him a hug and a kiss and sent him off to bed.

I hope she heard it, thinks about it, and puts this in the realization category of how things will be if we do D.


She heard it and it probably stung a little. She is no doubt feeling guilty about hurting you and the kids, but don't confuse that with remorse. She still feels JUSTIFIED, because after all it's "all your fault" that this is happening. Don't bank on things like this turning her around, that's not how it works.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
D
Dtrmned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
No, I get it.
She says very confusing and contradictory statements.
Example:
W- Kids will bounce back after the D, they are resilient.

W fact: She still has issues with BOTH her parents and herself regarding their divorce, has mentioned it a lot through the years, and that was now over 30 year ago!


Really, not going to affect them when it has so profoundly affected your life!

BUT, again, she is still in her selfish memory altering justifying fog. I know there is nothing I can do about it besides being the lighthouse, GAL and preparing for everything that might happen.


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
And she likely doesn't believe the "W- Kids will bounce back after the D, they are resilient." this is something all WAS (and WWs in particular) tell themselves so they have less guilt about gut punching their kids. She is lying to herself as much as she is to you.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
D
Dtrmned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 362
just got a call from W.
She takes a little while, but I knew it was coming.

Please weigh in and let me know if I am doing something wrong.
W files for D and gets a separate bank account. She withdraws a week later.

I change my paycheck over to an individual account and only put a very minimal amount in the account now to cover minor things. Everything else I make sure is paid. Rent, utilities, cable, cell, car, gas, groceries, everything.

W is unhappy since there isn't anything in the account really. Arond $100-200 dollars is average in the account. W thinks I am hiding money. I am not. I am just merely being prudent and not allowing full access. If she were wanting to be my W, she would have full access.

Am I punishing her, or is she just being the WW/WAW/MLC whatever selfishness rears its head today thing?

I did validate and say how I hate that she is in that situation but she didn't like that either blaming me.

She wants to sit tonight and pull up the calendar for to set the mediation appointment. I told her we can talk about that tonight. I did ask about her job situation and she said "I think I may have something starting in a few months, but it will only be for about $$ per month so with the child support, I will be just scraping by. I didn't say anything, but thought "no kidding!"

At this point, I think making the mediation appointment and having her go through the motions may be the only thing to get her to reality. The $$ she is talking about making won't even pay for the rent, let alone anything else.

I am not upset, nor was I during the call. She said there are some other things she wants to go over and I just said we could go over them tonight whenever she would like.

She is frustrated because she feels like I am dragging this one. She feels this way because in the last 20 something years, I have never let anything just drag on. Deal with it and move on. She knows how I am so I can see why she feels this way. BUT, I am not dragging this on. She is. If she is that confident and comfortable with the D, she needs to push it forward. I don't know if it was Steve, AS or Sandi who said that if they want it, there isn't much you can do about it, but a lot of times they never lift a finger to move it forward. I want her to do the lifting and I'm not carrying the heavy stuff, or even half of the box. She has to do it.
I didn't take the bait and get into a fight so I feel really good about that.

So...thoughts..input...weigh ins??


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 372
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 372
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Kids will bounce back after the D, they are resilient." this is something all WAS (and WWs in particular) tell themselves so they have less guilt about gut punching their kids.

It is like there is a textbook of get away guilt free quotes somewhere, in my sitch H said exactly the same thing and that in this day and age having a home with 2 parents vs divorced parents means no difference for kids. He also said since ours are so small in age, the sooner it gets done the better it is for them hence his hurry.He wants to prove to world that he can raise kids better by being Dd than others who are still in MRs.

Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard