Affair discovered 2

[SteveLW]

Eh just separate your accounts. THen use your money the way you want to.

[DDJ]

What steve85 said. Mysterious is key, buying a flashy red sports car won't hurt tho.

[EricC]

Me keeping my knowledge of W's affair a secret was for me like trying to lead a triple life. I still feel like I'm leading a double life, one where I set W free to divorce me and I move on without her, and another where I still desperately want to save our marriage.

Every thing below is my opinion, so feel free to tell me to sod off.

1) You have to stop immediately (as in this very moment) desperately want to save your marriage. You need a healthier view on it. Something on the lines of "I would like to work on our marriage given the right circumstances, however I accept the fact that my wife may choose otherwise". If it helps, think of it this way: what is the difference between telling the seller of a car: "I desperately want to buy this car!!!!" vs "I would consider buying this car if you fix the AC and change the tires. It is ok if you want to sell this car to someone else. I am sure I will find another one and I am perfectly happy to use Uber in the meanwhile".

2) Don't look at it as keeping your knowledge of her affair as leading a double life. It is simply not in your interest in discussing this. Do you feel you are leading a double life when you go to Starbucks, you order coffee, and you keep your knowledge of the affair from the barista? It is not something you want to bring up in front of her, right? Same with your wife.

You are not keeping a secret, you are simply not starting a conversation not worth starting. If anyone is leading a double life in your household, it is not you.

Every time you feel like you want to bring up the affair, remember your knowledge is not her business. Every time you feel you desperately want to save your marriage, think about what you want to change before you want that marriage.

[sandi2]

So one conversation I regret not having with W sooner (before she was involved in an affair, but was spending a lot) was to assert that I needed to have some spending money of my own. I've always put off buying things that I wanted, thinking I couldn't afford it or didn't really need it.

Is it just too late to have this conversation now?

Yes, too late for that conversation now. You are wanting to go back and do things that should have been done long ago. Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them in the future.

Back to the subject of you confronting your W about her A........(sorry, I can't remember if you have solid evidence or just suspect). You seem to think it is standing up for yourself and getting back some self respect. If you believe it that strongly.......then tell her you know about her A!

I am not against a H confronting his WW, just to clarify. I merly want LBH's to understand it is does fix the problem and he had better have an plan that goes beyond just confrontation. If he's not prepared to implement tough love actions, then he best not confront. That's the point I wanted you to understand. You are certainly free to tell her.

I think it is more about pride, than anything else. You want her to know that you know. So......tell her! If you believe it will give you respect.......then tell her you know. But if she denies it....don't be one of these guys that get mad and stay hung up over the fact his WW won't admit to the truth. See what I mean? One thing kind of leads to another. At some point, you just have to accept it is what it is.

[STH17]

To be clear, I have already told W a week ago that I believe she is having an affair. She gave me no response at all about it. She's been sleeping on the couch since then because I told her I would no longer sleep on the couch while she is having an affair. I have stopped grocery shopping, making meals, cleaning the kitchen, and washing bath towels and washcloths for her. In the kitchen I am trying to just clean up after myself and my son. Closing joint accounts was a priority of mine too but I'm trying not to obsess about that at the moment. W had agreed to stop sharing joint accounts but seems to have changed her tune since learning she could still get half in a settlement regardless of where the money is kept now.

My therapist is encouraging me to continue asserting myself, which is important for my own self-growth. That means clearing the air with W about her agreeing to separate accounts and then backing out of that agreement. For the next two days though I'll be out of town going to a cousin's wedding by myself, and I am looking forward to leaving all W drama behind during that time.

EricC, I like your first point above. That's pretty much where I've been trying to get to mentally and emotionally. Keeping my ring off has been helpful I think in seeing that I'll be fine without her. I still believe R would create the best outcome for all long-term, but I accept that my belief isn't going to get us anywhere anymore without some buy-in from W. And if she's not even going to apologize for having an affair, I'm not wasting my time pursuing anymore.

[EricC]

EricC, I like your first point above. That's pretty much where I've been trying to get to mentally and emotionally. Keeping my ring off has been helpful I think in seeing that I'll be fine without her. I still believe R would create the best outcome for all long-term, but I accept that my belief isn't going to get us anywhere anymore without some buy-in from W. And if she's not even going to apologize for having an affair, I'm not wasting my time pursuing anymore.

I hope I do not discourage you with my next words. You need to get to a less emotional state. It looks to me you are very hurt (understandably so). You need to go beyond that and let bygones be bygones. Focus on doing what is right for you, regardless of her and your R. Definitely stop pursuing, but not because she needs to apologize. Stop pursuing because it is not good for you, because it is pointless, and last but not least because you would respect her decision if she wants out.

Please focus on detaching emotionally. Audit your thoughts and decisions and try to always check: "Am I thinking this because it is true/correct/good for me, or am I thinking it because I am hurt?"

[ovrrnbw]

To be clear, I have already told W a week ago that I believe she is having an affair. She gave me no response at all about it. She's been sleeping on the couch since then because I told her I would no longer sleep on the couch while she is having an affair. I have stopped grocery shopping, making meals, cleaning the kitchen, and washing bath towels and washcloths for her. In the kitchen I am trying to just clean up after myself and my son. Closing joint accounts was a priority of mine too but I'm trying not to obsess about that at the moment. W had agreed to stop sharing joint accounts but seems to have changed her tune since learning she could still get half in a settlement regardless of where the money is kept now.

My therapist is encouraging me to continue asserting myself, which is important for my own self-growth. That means clearing the air with W about her agreeing to separate accounts and then backing out of that agreement. For the next two days though I'll be out of town going to a cousin's wedding by myself, and I am looking forward to leaving all W drama behind during that time.

All good stuff.

EricC, I like your first point above. That's pretty much where I've been trying to get to mentally and emotionally. Keeping my ring off has been helpful I think in seeing that I'll be fine without her. I still believe R would create the best outcome for all long-term, but I accept that my belief isn't going to get us anywhere anymore without some buy-in from W.

Great that you told us what's on your mind, don't tell her that.

And if she's not even going to apologize for having an affair, I'm not wasting my time pursuing anymore.

It might be a waste of time either way. Let her figure it out and come to you.

[STH17]

Feeling frustrated today, about a few things.

Now that I've stopped cooking and grocery shopping for W, she's been quick to start doing those things for herself. I think my feeling is mostly jealousy, as I have been cooking for her for years, and now that I've stopped, she shows me she is perfectly capable of doing what I did for her, but she rarely did that for me. She seems to be cooking more food than she could eat herself. I've been wondering if I should just start eating the food she is cooking now too. I'm still paying all the bills and watching our son half the time. Everything just is really tense between us.

Right now W ignores me and I ignore her for the most part. We don't even say hello or goodbye to each other when we come and go from the house.

I am going to another wedding this weekend across the country and will be leaving tonight and returning Tuesday morning next week. I also have a job interview on that Tuesday in the afternoon. W can't watch son that afternoon, so I asked my mom to watch son. I told W that today, and she got angry, because about 7 months ago she told my mom she didn't want her watching our son by herself anymore. W is as angry at my mom as she is at me, if not more. And W probably thinks I am not respecting her decision about my mom not watching our son. Anything my W doesn't blame me directly for in our relationship, she blames my mom for raising me to be how I am. I don't want to see or think about W until my interview is over next week. I would like to talk to my son during that time though. W is taking him with her to a baby shower out of state for the weekend.

I just feel my anger and resentment building more and more the longer W stays in our house. I have the bedroom now but the rest of the house is a dump now that I've stopped cleaning it. I admit I wanted my W to feel some shame and discomfort by sleeping on the couch herself, but I sense that it hasn't phased her a bit.

I've noticed she has stopped using our joint credit card, but now that she is using her own card, she could still make payments on it out of our joint checking account, which would be a surprise to me and could overdraft our checking account. I still need to talk to her about that.

[NicoleR]

Hi STH, this is a difficult time. It's hurtful to watch your spouse act like they don't need you any more. The same happened to me. I cooked my husband elaborate meals for years based on his parents' recipes and I basically did everything for him - cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping... When he left last year he moved to our house which wasn't yet done and didn't have a functioning kitchen and some of the walls were even still exposed to the elements. He ate fast food every day and slept in a construction site just to be away from me and commented how it was much better. Now the house is done and he cooks for himself. I guess everything I ever did meant nothing. It's one of the worst ways our spouses betray us. I've also been in your shoes living with a husband who's having an affair or after the affair when we're barely talking - it's almost impossible not to be resentful. If your wife is still having an affair it seems not much will change until she and her partner break up. I hope it won't be long and if you really work hard to manage your actions and emotions then there's still a chance she'll see her own fault in this situation and seek your forgiveness. It did happen to me when I was in your shoes a few years ago - my husband came begging for me to take him back. Then he did the same thing again in my case but you have more knowledge from this site to create a better outcome for yourself and your child.

[EricC]

Now that I've stopped cooking and grocery shopping for W, she's been quick to start doing those things for herself. I think my feeling is mostly jealousy, as I have been cooking for her for years, and now that I've stopped, she shows me she is perfectly capable of doing what I did for her, but she rarely did that for me. She seems to be cooking more food than she could eat herself. I've been wondering if I should just start eating the food she is cooking now too.

Of course she is perfectly capable. Don't fall into the trap of looking for quid pro quo. When your R is good, it looks petty and ungenerous. When your R is in the gutter is simply laughable. Cook your stuff and let her cook hers. The less you share at this stage, the better.

W is as angry at my mom as she is at me, if not more.

Don't pay attention.

I told W that today, and she got angry, because about 7 months ago she told my mom she didn't want her watching our son by herself anymore.

What reason did she give? If she is that concerned for your son's well-being, she knows where to find him.

Anything my W doesn't blame me directly for in our relationship, she blames my mom for raising me to be how I am.

Again, don't pay attention. She is at a phase where she needs to spew out every possible reason to justify her own behavior. This is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of her. Paying attention to such BS is completely unwarranted. Don't even answer to such talk.

I just feel my anger and resentment building more and more the longer W stays in our house. I have the bedroom now but the rest of the house is a dump now that I've stopped cleaning it. I admit I wanted my W to feel some shame and discomfort by sleeping on the couch herself, but I sense that it hasn't phased her a bit.

Take care of your job interview above all. Try to not get distracted.

It looks like there is a lot of negative pressure in your house. Avoid confrontation. If she refuses to take care of stuff, don't fall to her level as part of some pissing contest. Do what you need to do. If the house needs cleaning - clean it. Your kid lives there after all.