Well. I just found out that the joint credit card we have and both do practically all of our spending on was created with my W as the primary account holder, and I'm the secondary/spouse on the card. So she would have to be the one to close that card. I guess I'll have to talk to W again after all about closing accounts. Sounds like she could close the account over the phone. I'll still have to close our checking and savings accounts in person.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Ugh. And now W has wised up to the fact that even if we separate our accounts now, everything is still up for grabs in the settlement. What happened to "you keep yours and I keep mine?" No leverage there to shake her out of the fog anymore. And she suggested mediation "to make sure we are doing everything right". So much for not getting lawyers involved either. She's finally starting to do her own homework. She told me if I stay in the house I would have to buy her out. I knew that already. I might have even told her that myself. I told her we'd talk later.
GRRRRR!!!
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Ugh. And now W has wised up to the fact that even if we separate our accounts now, everything is still up for grabs in the settlement. What happened to "you keep yours and I keep mine?" No leverage there to shake her out of the fog anymore. And she suggested mediation "to make sure we are doing everything right". So much for not getting lawyers involved either. She's finally starting to do her own homework. She told me if I stay in the house I would have to buy her out. I knew that already. I might have even told her that myself. I told her we'd talk later.
GRRRRR!!!
Front look at it this way. Look at it as she's entitled to it, and if you love her you want to be as accommodating as you possibly can in the D settlement. This doesn't mean you do get work for her but squabbling over a dollar here or there hurts your sitch.
What do you think will make more of an impact? Bring accommodating or fighting her for every red cent. Most WAS expect a fight. Shock her by being loving and accommodating even in D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well I was all set to go to the local bank today to close a joint checking account we hardly use and only has $50 in it, then open a checking account for myself there. It's the same bank the mortgage is with (which is in my name only). Then I thought I could transfer the money from our other joint savings and checking accounts into the new one I make for myself, leaving W to handle making payments on the joint credit card that she is primary owner of.
So is that all just petty or would it actually be a bit of a reality check still for W? At the very least I think I should open an account for myself so I can have something I feel in control of. That's what I would really want in a marriage going forward anyway.
Are these things I should talk to W about? We agreed to separate accounts on Monday, but I feel like she is backing out of that agreement. She also said she wants to be fair, but nothing about her past spending has been fair during our marriage.
Bottom line is I don't want to share accounts with someone who doesn't want to share any other part of my life. Can I tell her that?
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
What do you think will make more of an impact? Bring accommodating or fighting her for every red cent. Most WAS expect a fight. Shock her by being loving and accommodating even in D.
I thought being so loving and accommodating for so long while she had no commitment to me or our marriage is what got me into this mess.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Definitely separate accounts. But be upfront and transparent with her about it. Dont just take money out of the shared accounts without talking to her first. If she wants to be independent and free, than this is a step in the right direction for her. My wife was fine with it when we did it.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Being loving and accommodating never really got you here. Your WW has fallen for another man, doesn't matter what you did.
There are many keys, as there are many doors in this horror house. One of them is to always think about others first, but then take the action that is best for you.
So, will she have money for food? No, then leave some money in there for her. Do you want to support her before any divorce? Yes, is it in your best interest, no. So don't support her.
She will have to find a job, and anything you do now, will create a ripple effect down the line, so cut the strings, be your man and do whats best for you. As i can promise you she's definitely doing whats best for her.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
What do you think will make more of an impact? Bring accommodating or fighting her for every red cent. Most WAS expect a fight. Shock her by being loving and accommodating even in D.
I thought being so loving and accommodating for so long while she had no commitment to me or our marriage is what got me into this mess.
Did it? Is that what got you into this? In that case you are dealing with a narcissistic, psychopath. Anyone that reacts to accommodation and love with no commitment is not a stable person.
I will have to go back and read your whole sitch again. However, yes I think you should split your finances through the separation. However, when it comes to D proceedings, if you have any desire for future R, then tread lightly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So one conversation I regret not having with W sooner (before she was involved in an affair, but was spending a lot) was to assert that I needed to have some spending money of my own. I've always put off buying things that I wanted, thinking I couldn't afford it or didn't really need it.
Is it just too late to have this conversation now? Or do I have the conversation now more as a courtesy of informing W of what I am going to be doing for myself? We agreed to close accounts, then she changed her mind. Is this something I shouldn't bring up again myself, same rules as R talks?
I think I should definitely have a separate account of my own, and don't necessarily need to tell W that. But now it sounds like I am being advised here to talk to her first before making any moves.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
