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Quote:
We talked a bit about custody too, and where we'd be living. A lot of things I'd been worried about. I asked her if she thought we needed to make decisions about where to live together


Would you explain what you meant by living together?

Quote:
She said it would affect primary custody


Among your questions to ask a lawyer, be sure you get an adequate definition of "primary custody" and/or "primary residence". If you are wanting 50/50 custody, make certain you understand all the lingo attached to the custody wording.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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STH17 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
STH, I think you are missing a potential opportunity here to shake her from her fantasy fog.


Yeah I think that's true. Later I was thinking I could have asked, since she's found somebody to replace me already, why doesn't she ask that person to pay all her medical bills? I could "change my mind" and still say that, but I just don't want to say something that hurtful to her. I think I'm still afraid of escalating conflict in the divorce. Like it really isn't going to be hard to come to an agreement. Filing myself is just an empty threat that doesn't do anything to stop divorce either. Even when she asked this morning if I'd file jointly, I still couldn't agree to that.


Me:30 W:31
S:4
M:7 T:12
PA: 5/6/18 - ?
W moved out 7/18
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
We talked a bit about custody too, and where we'd be living. A lot of things I'd been worried about. I asked her if she thought we needed to make decisions about where to live together


Would you explain what you meant by living together?


Poor wording. I meant make decisions together about where to live, not about living together. Like, we could each decide to live in a different state if we don't make that decision together. But then one of us would have to take primary placement (residence) for S4. W didn't sound like she had any strong feelings about who he would be placed with or how far apart we would be. After doing some reading today, it sounds like it would be best for my son if W and I ended up living close enough to each other that we could both be active in parenting and things like school pick-ups and drop-offs.


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@doodle, good as always.

@STH17 - I think that you're being too much of a nice guy. I challenged the DB way, following its root and took some drastic steps. I even took myself off XWs medical aid, changed bank accounts, all to show that I didn't need her, but I still made it clear that I wanted her, but only if she wanted me back.

Turns out that she didn't want me back, and i filed for online D. She definitely never saw that moment coming and celebrated it at a lovers hill in cape town and pasted it on FB. Which she quickly removed.

You will never know your WWs heart, even her actions will be contradictory, but ultimately if she really wanted you, you'd know, like you knew before.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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I called my bank yesterday and was told that the only way to remove W from joint accounts was to close them. I thought they would be able to remove her if she signed something herself. Apparently not. I think I should move forward with that. Unfortunately the closest bank branch is out-of-state an hour away. W and I didn't talk much about how to split accounts other than she'd keep hers and I'd keep mine. So based on that I could just not give her anything from the joint accounts (since I'm the only one who ever deposited into it). We also talked about splitting our current credit card debt though. I think if I pay for her medical bills now after separating our bank accounts, I will want to account for that in our settlement agreement. I expect to buy her out of the house, so I could just deduct the value of her medical payments from the buyout amount. I told her I would not keep her from getting healthcare, and I don't want to go back on my word with that.


Me:30 W:31
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PA: 5/6/18 - ?
W moved out 7/18
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hey,

I got to agree with the others on the money. You need take control of the finances. Letting her spend your money (the family money) is a terrible idea.

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My therapist has been trying to get me to stop worrying about what W will do and just act in accordance to my values.


I think this is the key. Stop for a minute (or better for a few hours) and think really hard what your values are and how you act in accordance or in discord with them.

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As for the Lake Tahoe thing, I just realized it is possible that she may just be going with her parents


You are pursuing. Of course it is possible that she is going with your parents. Forget about this. If it tortures you, get rid of the shared account, unfriend her on Facebook etc.

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The harder question to answer which my therapist asked me is, what do I hope to gain from confronting.


This is key too. In general, it is best not to start a conversation with her, unless it has a very specific purpose (money etc.). In this case, it is even more important. Unless you have a very specific outcome in mind, there probably no reason to start this talk. In her eyes, she is entitled to this anyway.


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One cheeseless tunnel for me was to do all the chores in the house without asking for help.

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I stepped in as usual to cover for her. I think she's well enough to cook now though, so if she declines, I think I should set a boundary that I will not cook for her anymore.


Why? If the toilet leaks, fix it. Nobody likes that. Do not feel obliged to do chores for her though. I do not think you need to inform her (unless you have agreed before that). If she is upset about it, you can commiserate with her.

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I never did clarify to W that I would not fight a divorce if W files herself, but that she needs to file separately.


What is the purpose of that conversation? I agree that you should be prepared for such conversation in case she brings it up. I do not see any purpose of you bringing it up. In my opinion, do not do anything. Let her file, and then do what you think is right.


I do not understand what you will accomplish by confronting her about the affair. She does not want this marriage. As far as I can tell, she constantly tries to point out reasons why the marriage should end. The one reason she has not pointed out is the affair (probably because of shame). IMO by confronting about A, you will empower her with the biggest trump to dissolve the marriage. Now the cat is out of the bag and she can use that as another argument.

IMO, there are only two situations where you want to bring up the A:

1) You want D, and you want to make it her fault (I do not know why you would want that).

2) She wants you back and you want her back too. If she wants you back but you do not, don't bring the affair either.

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Me keeping my knowledge of W's affair a secret was for me like trying to lead a triple life. I still feel like I'm leading a double life, one where I set W free to divorce me and I move on without her, and another where I still desperately want to save our marriage.

I snoozed W on Facebook today, along with her cousin whose divorce was finalized a month or two ago. Funny thing is the cousin's H had an affair a year ago which is why she filed for divorce. I thought seeing how much it hurt her cousin would have made my W not do the same thing to me. Nope. Anyway, the cousin is a proudly petty person who still trash-talks her XH on FB, and I'd have to say has been a bad influence on my W.

I was about to take care of bank stuff today, but was getting pretty emotional and angry about it so I am going to do it tomorrow instead. I'll have to take my son with me. I might be able to remove my W from the credit card instead of having to close it. That would make a few things simpler and I could keep the rewards points on it. To do that she would have to sign a form to remove herself. That might be a good reality check for her. Or maybe empowering for her to take the next step towards divorce. Idunno. Whatever she thinks is whatever she thinks, right?

I'll also note that I've not put my ring back on since confronting W about A. But I've got it on a necklace. The jingling might be noticed by W...


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You need to do whatever it takes to create the split in your lives, even if you do not like it. That split is the only reality that she will see, and will show you too, how difficult it is to do something so easy.

But you're not doing it for her, do it for you, see what it's like to be divorced before you actually are - it's a wake up call, but the sooner you do it, the quicker it will hit home with you.

After years of marriage, the familiarity keeps us on the others coaster. Get off hers, and onto yours and the ride will be smoother, more painful at first tho. But this is your life, not hers!

As for the medical aid, agreed, keep her on, and help get her off it at the same time. You cannot daddy her, she must live her life and take responsibility for it. As you need to with yours.

We can all promise you that in a year or two, you'll look back, think about what's occurred, and you will laugh about it. So cry now rather.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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You need to take the ring off entirely. You need to exist as though she does not exist, a neighbour living in your house just waiting to move out.

Her cousin was not a bad influence, her cousin is just like her. Like seeks like. And yes, if your no good wife wants a divorce, give it to her. Give her everything that she must legally get, give her nothing more. She doesnt deserve your heart, so keep that for yourself.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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You will get to point in this journey where you will learn to live with your broken heart. The 5 stages of grief are important here...

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

you will find that you will go through these 5 many many times in 1 day. Too many times really, but face it head-on, don't give in, don't look back - you're not going that way.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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