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Ste7e Offline OP
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Yeah I am also wondering if interactions with W meant I surrendered or felt just being was not enough?
I also have a lot of idle time as I havent worked directly except online selling in the last 3 years..I wonder if that is really working against me? What I uncovered today as I sat with the idea is that my anxiety is still running quietly in the background.
I will journal on this topic and get back to you.
In the meantime let me go help Hongaku!


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 242
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Ste7e Offline OP
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Posts: 242
So I have intentionally spent the last couple days alone to nurture my happiness while being alone and with myself. Once I sort of clicked my brain over to accept that there would not be any distractions or reward of seeing other people I started to actually get pretty busy on my own. And was able to breakdown what I am dealing with into discrete areas:
1.) WAW
2.) Self Confidence
3.) Work/Career
4.) Purpose
5.) Anxiety

The first thing which I worked through was the feeling of if WAW would just come back everything would be ok...but what I quickly started to realize is that while everything would be ok now it n would not be fixing my underlying issues (afterall I was depressed the last 3 years and my W was present through that) and it would happen all over again. NOW is the time in my life to really fix this demon once and for all so that I do not end up back here again.

I know that the fear of being alone or lack of loving being with myself stems from childhood abandonment issues and was reinforced by a series of relationships I have had. My WAW is just another in a long line. What this brings up for me is obviously feelings of low self worth, and really chips away at my sense of self confidence. When I magnify this it makes me ask, maybe it actually is me after all if all these people leave me. What am I doing wrong which drives people away? And when I go down this road I keep coming up with the same solutions revolving around confidence but then become overwhelmed by what needs to be done. I have a history of being very lazy and/or overcomplicating everything in my life to be insurmountable and I just freeze in my tracks. I can see that focusing on my purpose and rebuilding my self confidence is key to happiness with or without people, but it can only make me more attractive and maybe stop this constant train of abandonment.

This being stopped in my tracks or crippled and overwhelmed by fear is what really lead to my depression. It is a bit of a chicken and egg but I got unhealthy physically and my job got unhealthy emotionally (throw in a dash of bereavement) and I just spiraled down and got stuck. And once stuck at the bottom a whole host of new problems arose piling up over me. When all I needed to do to get unstuck was workout, eat right and get a new job. The job thing became a huge issue as I was being pushed so hard to be on a career path (especially as W had a very successful career) when my purpose in life was elsewhere and I just needed a job to stay sane and career be damned. The whole notion of striving or that my identity was tied into my work is where I really got off track in my head. MY identity is in music and art and though they don't pay all too well they are who I am just need to make some quick cash on the side to fuel my passion. I guess what I am saying is I need to learn detachment from career aspirations ha.

In addition, I spent some time reading about Autophobia (closely akin to Agoraphobia) and the line about fear of "losing one's mind" really stuck. I have had a few traumatic instances in the last decade due to low blood sugar combined with anxiety which have made me feel that way. This is the main fear I have of being alone. So what this all means to me is that dealing with my underlying anxiety is the key (oh and remembering to eat and healthy). I think I have become a bit flippant about my anxiety because it lowered from its peak 6 months ago but I need to stay mindful of it as it is the root cause of all my suffering. When I do a quick gratitude inventory and look around I am actually OK and safe in the moment and should just be able to relax but the anxiety is just sitting there keeping me keyed up and scatter brained.

What I also started to unpack was a new set of goals for myself.
1.) Actively deal with my anxiety through research and putting into practice anxiety reducing techniques.
2.) Get a part time job in order to lessen idle time stuck in anxiety inducing thought, and help me rebuild confidence. ie. Apply everyday to as many positions as possible eventually someone will reply.
3.) Continue making steps to create my own retail business, this one is hard as it is dependent on finding the right space at the right price point which moves it away from me but I can look everyday at new listings and make calls.
4.) Bring to completion a half dozen creative projects hanging over my head which just need some time on task, the completion of these will help build my confidence back and create purpose. Start by making an itemized check list of things to be done and work my way through it.
5.) Quit Smoking in order to reduce anxiety (this one is real scary) First step is make a plan on how to do this, in addition to


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 89
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Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Ste7e
So I have intentionally spent the last couple days alone to nurture my happiness while being alone and with myself. Once I sort of clicked my brain over to accept that there would not be any distractions or reward of seeing other people I started to actually get pretty busy on my own. And was able to breakdown what I am dealing with into discrete areas:
1.) WAW
2.) Self Confidence
3.) Work/Career
4.) Purpose
5.) Anxiety

The first thing which I worked through was the feeling of if WAW would just come back everything would be ok...but what I quickly started to realize is that while everything would be ok now it n would not be fixing my underlying issues (afterall I was depressed the last 3 years and my W was present through that) and it would happen all over again. NOW is the time in my life to really fix this demon once and for all so that I do not end up back here again.

I know that the fear of being alone or lack of loving being with myself stems from childhood abandonment issues and was reinforced by a series of relationships I have had. My WAW is just another in a long line. What this brings up for me is obviously feelings of low self worth, and really chips away at my sense of self confidence. When I magnify this it makes me ask, maybe it actually is me after all if all these people leave me. What am I doing wrong which drives people away? And when I go down this road I keep coming up with the same solutions revolving around confidence but then become overwhelmed by what needs to be done. I have a history of being very lazy and/or overcomplicating everything in my life to be insurmountable and I just freeze in my tracks. I can see that focusing on my purpose and rebuilding my self confidence is key to happiness with or without people, but it can only make me more attractive and maybe stop this constant train of abandonment.

This being stopped in my tracks or crippled and overwhelmed by fear is what really lead to my depression. It is a bit of a chicken and egg but I got unhealthy physically and my job got unhealthy emotionally (throw in a dash of bereavement) and I just spiraled down and got stuck. And once stuck at the bottom a whole host of new problems arose piling up over me. When all I needed to do to get unstuck was workout, eat right and get a new job. The job thing became a huge issue as I was being pushed so hard to be on a career path (especially as W had a very successful career) when my purpose in life was elsewhere and I just needed a job to stay sane and career be damned. The whole notion of striving or that my identity was tied into my work is where I really got off track in my head. MY identity is in music and art and though they don't pay all too well they are who I am just need to make some quick cash on the side to fuel my passion. I guess what I am saying is I need to learn detachment from career aspirations ha.

In addition, I spent some time reading about Autophobia (closely akin to Agoraphobia) and the line about fear of "losing one's mind" really stuck. I have had a few traumatic instances in the last decade due to low blood sugar combined with anxiety which have made me feel that way. This is the main fear I have of being alone. So what this all means to me is that dealing with my underlying anxiety is the key (oh and remembering to eat and healthy). I think I have become a bit flippant about my anxiety because it lowered from its peak 6 months ago but I need to stay mindful of it as it is the root cause of all my suffering. When I do a quick gratitude inventory and look around I am actually OK and safe in the moment and should just be able to relax but the anxiety is just sitting there keeping me keyed up and scatter brained.

What I also started to unpack was a new set of goals for myself.
1.) Actively deal with my anxiety through research and putting into practice anxiety reducing techniques.
2.) Get a part time job in order to lessen idle time stuck in anxiety inducing thought, and help me rebuild confidence. ie. Apply everyday to as many positions as possible eventually someone will reply.
3.) Continue making steps to create my own retail business, this one is hard as it is dependent on finding the right space at the right price point which moves it away from me but I can look everyday at new listings and make calls.
4.) Bring to completion a half dozen creative projects hanging over my head which just need some time on task, the completion of these will help build my confidence back and create purpose. Start by making an itemized check list of things to be done and work my way through it.
5.) Quit Smoking in order to reduce anxiety (this one is real scary) First step is make a plan on how to do this, in addition to


Steve,

Other than the music part of this, I feel like I almost could have written this exact post. Even the timeline is similar. Thank you for sharing and helping me get some more perspective.


Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s
M: 12
S: 7
BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day)
OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
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Ste7e Offline OP
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Posts: 242
All right things are going in my direction today!
Despite getting a terrible haircut a week ago and yesterday waking up with a stye in my eye ugh come on universe!
Today I got on the scale and finally got below my initial weightloss goal of 195...weighing in at 194 hooray!
My next goal is 180 by Sept 1st.
Lifted weights for the first time today in months and feeing those good enorfans pumping...going to go swimming later and work on some of my creative goals to round out the day.


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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OK I am going to marinade on this and look to building focused goals and an action plan.

Great thought and ideas.

Excellent

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Ste7e Offline OP
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So the weekend ended up being really good!
I spent the entire time by myself except for band practice with a new guy who is a great fit so extremely excited about that! We have practices lined up for Tues and Wed this week which I am looking forward to.
Got up today applied for 4 jobs, went to yoga, went to the pool, made myself a smoothie, got some vitamin supplements to help me curb my anxiety. I got alot of check outs from pretty women at the pool so I must be doing something right slimming down.
I have got some projects to get into at the house tonight and so far this week is looking like it will be a good one.


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
D
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Offline
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Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
Ste7e,

Good to hear a positive update from you! I hope all continues to go well for you.

I feel like I am following in your footsteps in a way. I have ten days until I return home to the house that my W will be vacating that very day. I am quite scared of what my emotional reaction will be. Are you living in the same house, or did you move out, sorry, I forget that detail.

How is the meditation and alone time going? I have had trouble maintaining it myself, but I think it is probably one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.

Take care of yourself.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 242
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Ste7e Offline OP
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Posts: 242
WAW moved out one month after BD so I am in the house alone.
Meditation is good Yoga is better, I have been going to sleep listening to Alan Watts lectures on youtube which has really helped me transistion to a place of spiritual growth whicch is what is getting me through this. The shift also to digging in deep on making music is also really helping me enjoy being alone now.
Going back to the empty house will be realy hard but it will pass.
Also worth mentioning I started taking abunch of vitamins (b12 because I stopped eating meat, zinc, magnesium, and vitamin C) and my anxiety has been lowered per what I read. Could all just be a placebo but it is helping now.


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
How's it going Ste7e?


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 242
S
Ste7e Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 242
Its going
I am just doing me havent heard from W in weeks
Been really busy and job hunting like crazy
Days are sort of just all blending into one another at this point


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
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