CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: Steve85] #2794354
06/06/18 05:42 AM
06/06/18 05:42 AM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
L
LoneWlf Offline
Member
LoneWlf  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
Arsh- I really have to speak up because when he starts swearing at you that is highly disrespectful and in my opinion the conversation ends right there. I would simply state to him that you are not comfortable with his tone and where this is going and until he can talk to you like an adult then this conversation is over and walk away. A lot of times people say practice what you preach- I can honestly tell you I have never swore - yelled - cursed, hit or cheated on my W. I feel that this is the mother of my child and I will not disrespect her in that way. Good luck on your journey.Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: LoneWlf] #2794361
06/06/18 06:02 AM
06/06/18 06:02 AM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 372
A
arsh18 Offline OP
Member
arsh18  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 372
Steve and LoneWlf, thanks so much for your responses.
Steve, good catch about D3, yes all this was right in front of her. In my efforts to validate and stay calm, I did not enforce my boundaries of no D talk in front of D3 and D talks only at certain times and he threw them right out the door.
He has never been disrespectful in the 15 years before, has always been loving and supportive. I always thought he is the most patient person until BD when I realized he was a dormant volcano that was building up inside in a unhealthy way. Since BD he has been angry, bitter, condescending and disrespectful.
And swearing in front of kids is just not how he was before.

I need to learn to combine aspects of staying calm, validating and enforcing my boundaries

Originally Posted By: LoneWlf
when he starts swearing at you that is highly disrespectful and in my opinion the conversation ends right there. I would simply state to him that you are not comfortable with his ton

I keep giving him credit for who he was before the BD and try telling myself he is in a bad place and I need to be patient. But I need to stand my ground and stop buckling under pressure. I will definitely work on that, thanks LoneWlf.

Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: arsh18] #2794424
06/06/18 09:14 AM
06/06/18 09:14 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
Member
25yearsmlc  Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast

**I keep giving him credit for who he was before the BD and try telling myself he is in a bad place and I need to be patient. But I need to stand my ground and stop buckling under pressure. I will definitely work on that, thanks LoneWlf.**


yes, you are looking at who you saw in the past and not seeing who he is now. Join the club. I speak from experience, which is not to say it's fine for me to project my situation onto yours. I'll try to balance it all, but hope you can hear my hard learned lessons.

It's important not to accept the unacceptable - let alone based on their potential as spouses. My children all have expressed to me that they used to be more frustrated with me for putting up with abusive behavior, than they were at X for doing it. They had written him off already but thought I at least could see the light.

After reading the ranting manifesto X sent our kids last month, and his version of our marital history, which I KNOW to be factually false, I'm better able to depersonalize X's choices AND I can much better see my children's point of view.

X drove across the (family) car across a corn field and right off a cliff.

Maybe what my T told me after she read the manifesto, (in which HE "bled" for us and listed terms for the kids to have a relationship with him, and blah blah blah) will help you with an analogy.

T said "You recall your X and m when it was like Hawaii. Lush and green and comfortable.

But now it's spewing lava. You have to get away from the lava or you & your kids will be burned. Try to stop looking back to see if it's a lush green island again. The lava is still flowing."


If you were to describe "Abuse" to someone else, abuse which did not include violence, wouldn't someone raising their voice or making demeaning remarks, or cursing or criticizing someone for something trivial or invalid, or a combination of these, count?

I don't use the term loosely. And he did it in front of your D3.

What boundaries do you have, at least internally? Do you think your h will respect you more or less, if you allow those boundaries to be crossed?

I operated under the illusion that my X would "See the light" and how my loyalty to him and our m, would be rewarded in time.

Because we were once very happy (I found a love letter of his to me, from year 11. I am glad I found it, so I know that reality existed).

X's potential to return to his old self was what kept me accepting the unacceptable for far too long.

D28 told me that she "tends to go for unavailable people" in dating, and that she's in T now.

Says it relates to the dynamic she saw in our m the past few years, and X's unavailability as a parent as she was growing up. Sometimes we stay in a M even when it's really hard, for the kids. I don't think that is unreasonable. Sometimes you leave for the kids, though. And that's not unreasonable either.

Anyhow, figure out what your boundaries are, and what you think you can do to enforce them. If you actually do not have any boundaries you are wiling to enforce, talk to someone about that, and what you are fighting for.

With a 6 month old baby, it's awfully hard not to let fear keep you stuck. And I get that.

Food for thought.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2794454
06/06/18 02:54 PM
06/06/18 02:54 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 372
A
arsh18 Offline OP
Member
arsh18  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 372
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

"You recall your X and m when it was like Hawaii. Lush and green and comfortable.

But now it's spewing lava. You have to get away from the lava or you & your kids will be burned. Try to stop looking back to see if it's a lush green island again. The lava is still flowing."


Hi 25, what you say is absolutely true. H is not who he is, I desperately try to seek the lost him today but he currently is not the same person. In fact the H i had would have hated this new guy.

Hs main accusation for wanting D is that I have subjugated him and controlled his life and he needs to seek his own identity. In my attempts to do a 180 on being less controlling I may have become meek or it may just be that the anger he has I cannot match. Either way not standing up for myself is not who I am and I need to set my boundaries straight especially since D3 is like a sponge at this age learning from what transpires around her.

My Hawaai is not lush and green now, it is a lava spewing volcano that has erupted after 10 years.

I should really work on enforcing boundaries while incorporating the DB strategies. Thanks for your guidance.

Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: arsh18] #2794460
06/06/18 03:12 PM
06/06/18 03:12 PM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 933
N
NicoleR Offline
Member
NicoleR  Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 933
Arsh, just for the sake of asking - do you believe you were controlling to your husband? Is that something you recognize in yourself or is that just an excuse he created to justify the divorce?

Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: NicoleR] #2794465
06/06/18 03:50 PM
06/06/18 03:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
Member
25yearsmlc  Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
Of course everyone can and should look at their behaviors and choose what they want to work on. But sometimes I think the LBS'ers stare at themselves too much b/c hey "we are all we control." The fact is, sometimes nothing we have done justifies what the WAS's are doing.

Besides, Most spouses who want out, or are having A's, use the term "controlling" for an LBS.

Because what other "Flaw" can they use to justify walking out on a spouse and 2 small kids, including an enfant??

If you are not an alcoholic, violent, hiding money or cheating, the remaining term that comes up here the most is "controlling."

Maybe the other categories tend to know why things are happening and don't come to this site.

And for a grown man to need to go find himself b/c his wife, who just had his second child, is "controlling", reeks of excuse making.

But only you know your m or you.

Hang in there, and protect yourself and your babies.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2794466
06/06/18 03:57 PM
06/06/18 03:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 933
N
NicoleR Offline
Member
NicoleR  Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 933
I'm just curious because my husband said the same thing. I came to the conclusion that I was too controlling but that's not why he left.

Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: NicoleR] #2794493
06/06/18 10:55 PM
06/06/18 10:55 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
L
LoneWlf Offline
Member
LoneWlf  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
I think this too controlling comment is part due to the fact that as a relationship matures we often change to facilitate the others needs. At times forgetting our own - codependency. After doing this for a while it becomes normal and we tend to lose ourselves. From here it is easier too blame the other person for taking away our identity and our needs. Because we have lost these key elements of our lives we feel the other person was controlling. I too have been accused of being controlling but after thinking about it for a while I realized that all my decisions were based on what was best for my family. I even discussed this with my friends, family and my priest. They thought the opposite that I bent over backwards to accommodate my W. Just my 2 cents.


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: LoneWlf] #2794504
06/06/18 11:54 PM
06/06/18 11:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 74
Maine
N
Natash Offline
Member
Natash  Offline
Member
N
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 74
Maine
Originally Posted By: LoneWlf
I too have been accused of being controlling but after thinking about it for a while I realized that all my decisions were based on what was best for my family. I even discussed this with my friends, family and my priest. They thought the opposite that I bent over backwards to accommodate my W. Just my 2 cents.


I read this and had to comment. Every word but Priest is exactly the same for me and my sitch. My WW would drop a controlling comment hear or there in the past and I knew that she grew up with a lot of freedom and a single mom. Many times the comment "your not my dad!" would be hurled at me. After she left, I thought about it. Was I too controlling? The conclusion I came to was I had certain expectations and, like you said, I made my decisions based on what is best for our family. My friends and family say that I have been more than accomodating and many others wouldnt put up with her actions. I think it comes down to NGS and if we ever get to the point of recon, this is one major area that the MR dynamic WILL be different because of this forum making me aware and understand a) the old MR and b) what will be different in a new MR.


Me:37 W:42
T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs
D:7 D:5
BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18
WW moved out 5/12/18
Re: My little daughters deserve a happy home, help! [Re: Natash] #2794521
06/07/18 01:08 AM
06/07/18 01:08 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 857
R
Rose888 Offline
Member
Rose888  Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 857
LoneWlf and Natash, I obviously can't tell from what you've posted if you were controlling or not.

However, the argument "I wasn't controlling because I was doing what was best for my family" gives the impression of someone who is unable to see other people's point of view.

Most marital disagreements are between two people who each believe they are doing what is best for the family.

The person who wants to save as much money as possible vs the person who wants to travel and experience the world--both doing what they think is best.

The person who seeks as much career advancement as possible vs the person who wants their spouse to turn down work travel to spend more time with their young children--both doing what they think is best for the family.

The person who teaches their kid that every activity deserves 100% dedication versus the person who teaches their kids it's ok to dabble and explore many things--both doing what they think is best.

The person who never leaves their kid overnight versus the person who feels adult-only trips are important--both doing what they think is best.

Doing what you think is best for your family doesn't keep you from being controlling.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004