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Salazar Offline OP
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Hi all,

It has been a few months since I last posted, but I have continued to read and learn. I requested that Cadet hide my previous thread when my W stumbled upon the forum. (Cadet, please leave the previous thread hidden).


Brief backstory: I talked my wife into doing work for my co-worker, which ended up stretching on for 3 months and being awful. During this time, we were definitely in a funk, but I thought it was just a down time in our M and it would pass. BD caught me by surprise.

Just weeks prior to BD, Wife and I had just purchased a small home that we were going to renovate into a rental property (we have done this many times and this is her semi full time job). After BD, her motivation greatly dropped and it was a massive project, so the property only just finally was completed and rented today. During the last 6 months, the project has forced at least occasional interaction between the two of us, although it is about 2 hours away from our home.

We have a small condo near the project that W was going to use for a home base during project, but after BD, she decided to live there full time. She has come back to our home on 2 or 3 occasions (always sleeping on couch etc), but she has already moved all of the "things she cares about" out of the house, including her cat.


Income wise, I have continued to support the two of us, as I always have. The rental properties that she works on were intended to be our long term financial freedom. At this point, they only bring in a small portion of income. I work several jobs, but my 9-5 is the primary household income.

That is most of the background. Two make it easier to follow, I will post more details in a few minutes.


Me: 28
W: 28
No Kids
Together: 10 years
Married: 3 years
ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17
She moved out: 11/15/17
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 54
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Salazar Offline OP
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Dang, should be to not two in previous post. Noticed it half a second too late. Ha, oh well.


I realized I left out some of the background that is probably useful. W worked on our previously mentioned project on and off for the last 6 months. She took a 2 week long trip to visit family on the other side of the country in Jan. Her mother (which I really get along with) came back with her to help her finish the project. She stayed until the end of Feb. During this time, I would go down to help every other weekend (sleeping at the job site, due to her mom on couch). Once her mom left, I started going down pretty much every weekend and staying at her condo (on couch).

I had to leave for 2 weeks in April and she came to stay at my house (we have an outdoor cat that needed to be watched).

During these 6 months, she has been trying to find herself. She has a new Jeep (about a year old at this point), which she loves takes out on long drives at least 2 or 3 times a week (by herself mainly).

Her dad (who is extremely toxic) lives a few minutes away from where she is currently living. He is a very negative influence on her life, but she constantly seeks his approval. They see each other 3 or so times a week on average.


Me: 28
W: 28
No Kids
Together: 10 years
Married: 3 years
ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17
She moved out: 11/15/17
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 54
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Salazar Offline OP
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Ok, time for an actual update. Since BD, one of the things that W has mentioned many times is that she felt physically rejected. I would turn her down for a hug when she wanted one. When we were working at my coworkers house, she came over to where I was standing and tried to make out. Although we were alone in the house, I felt very uncomfortable so did not reciprocate. She did not mention anything then, but W has since said that was her "final test" and she "swore to herself that I would never be given the opportunity to reject her again".

W has said she feels completely shut off physically, almost like she was sexually abused (she has never been, by me or otherwise).


Because I was working several jobs, 99% of the household tasks fell to her, including things that are considering the more mescaline tasks (lawn work, trash duty, etc). She grew to resent this, but I did not realize it until it was too late. I was so drained by the time that I got home, I would use computer games as a way to unwind after coming home. In hindsight, I was definitely addicted to the games and have not played them in over 5 months.


When I came back from my 2 weeks away, she volunteered to pick me up from the airport. As I have historically been less aggressive (maybe less masculine?) in my pursuit of her, I thought I would be more aggressive. Shortly after getting back to the house, she was in the kitchen with her back to me. I noticed her freshly styled hair, complimented it, and then said something like, "I have half a mind to make out with you right here". She shrugged it off, and went in the next room to lay down for a nap. She got up a few hours later and went out for the rest of the afternoon, alone. I dialed back the aggressiveness after that point. She went back home the next day.

Shortly after, she went out and bought a very nice kayak for herself.

A few weeks later, we had our community yardsale. She reached out to me to ask if I signed up and she said she would come up and help. She did and we had a nice day. During my previous few visits with her, I would ask to go out with her (in her Jeep) or Kayaking with her, but she always turned me down, saying it was something that she just liked to do alone. Eventually she took her dad both Kayaking and on a Jeep ride, so that upset me a bit, but I contained myself.

I decided that I would go out and by a kayak and surprise her with it. Part of my 180 to be more spontaneous. Given that I drive a very small car, I ended up buying an inflatable tandem kayak. After our yardsale, I suggested that we go and she was partially onboard until she realized it was tandem... and inflatable. She then ended up being over the idea and shortly after, decided to go to her condo.

Just before leaving, we had a 20 minute R talk, where she basically said that she was having a very hard time forgiving me for the rejection (previously she said there was nothing to forgive me for). About 5 months or so ago, just after BD, she told me she was in no hurry to get a divorce, she just wanted time. I brought that back up and basically said, I don't understand. You don't want to divorce, but I feel like you are making no effort to spend time with me or work on anything. We parted ways.

The very next day, she went out, bought me a nice kayak of my own (the same as hers) and drove all the way back up to my house and we went out and took them both out. We had a great day, she stayed the night (couch), the next day I took off work early and we went to the shooting range (one of her new passions). Again, we had a nice day. That evening, she brought up the idea that she was considering moving back to our home. She said that she felt overwhelmed by the amount of projects in our house that still needed to be done and that caused her to do nothing. I suggested that we were now in a place that we can finish everything or even pick a new house and start fresh. She seemed like that idea and we spent a few hours looking at houses online.

She had to leave the next day while I was at work, so we didnt talk until she texted me later that night. Her tone did a 180 and she said she was having trouble being comfortable around me and that the condo is where she started to heal and that's where she wants to remain.


Me: 28
W: 28
No Kids
Together: 10 years
Married: 3 years
ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17
She moved out: 11/15/17
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 54
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Salazar Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 54
After that she ended up saying that she planned to go on a drive a few days later, I was curious where, so I asked. She wouldn't tell me. Unfortunately, due to the ongoing project, I still had to reach out to her almost daily (truly unavoidable, not just me wanting to). She seemed much more distant and very cold in our correspondence, so I couldn't take it any more. The next day, I asked her if I had done something to tick her off. I mentioned that she seemed cold, but she disagreed and got emotional. She ended up telling me where she was planning to drive to (its a place I went with her once before), I offered to go with her, but she said she no longer felt like it.

This was on a Wednesday, but I felt terrible for raining on her parade. I decided I was going to try and surprise her and go on a kayak trip with her. I loaded up my small car with a very large kayak (sketchy) and made the trip on Saturday. She was very shocked to see me. She agreed to go out kayaking with me. We did and had a pretty good time (although we picked a bad spot to kayak).

We started to drive back to her condo when she said, hey, we are near the trails that I drive the Jeep on. Want to go? I was so excited, as I had stopped asking a long time ago. We went and she even let me drive the trails. Part way through, she got the idea to take the doors off. When she had wanted to do this in the past, I would always be sour and give her a hard time, but this time I wholeheartedly agreed. We drove around for a few hours and she showed me all of her favorite spots.

Many months ago, when I spent the night at her condo, I violated her trust/privacy. I woke up one morning and noticed her computer next to the couch. I logged in to her email to snoop around. I had been reading a bunch of things online all pointing to maybe another person. It was not premeditated, but in a moment of weakness I dug around for about 5 minutes. I didn't find anything, but she did get a text message alerting her to the login. When she confronted me, I denied, denied, denied. I was ashamed of what I did and it has eaten at me for months. She brought it up during the conversation when we looked at houses, but I again denied. Anyway, fast forward to when we were at the end of the Jeep ride, I came clean. She said she knew it and that she had given me multiple opportunities to come clean. I didn't defend myself, but said I was ashamed and hoped she would forgive me. She hasn't brought it up since.


We ended up having a talk that night, she again brought up her physical rejection. She said she thinks about our R every moment of every day and that she feels like she is at a cross road. When she is at our home, she can see it working out. When she is at the condo, she loves her space and wants to be there. She started to look for new jobs to apply to, but does not feel too qualified for much more than min wage type jobs. She eventually found a retail job and a job with the USPS to apply for. Both were part time and both asked to interview her.



She randomly brought up a time that a friend of a friend was with her many years ago. This person is a "psychic" by profession. Anyway, this person took her phone from her and started flipping through her pics. She landed on a normal pic of W and I and she said, "Why would you be with a person like that?". She didn't elaborate, as W was offended that this random person was flipping through her phone and talking about our R, but she said that moment has stuck with her. Could this "psychic" see something that she was missing?


Me: 28
W: 28
No Kids
Together: 10 years
Married: 3 years
ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17
She moved out: 11/15/17
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 54
S
Salazar Offline OP
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Posts: 54
I know the previous few posts are pretty lengthy and a lot happened. If anyone is willing to read all of that (it brings us up to about May 6) and provide feedback, I would really appreciate it. A lot has happened in the last week as well, but I will hold off on that for now.

Thank you all!


Me: 28
W: 28
No Kids
Together: 10 years
Married: 3 years
ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17
She moved out: 11/15/17
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 54
S
Salazar Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 54
Short version:

I have not yet added the details of what happened between May 6 and today (will add later), but W just sent a message that I would like some feedback on / critique of my reply.

W: I want to move on (via text message).

Me: [I have not replied yet, this is what I am considering]. That is tough to hear, but I respect your decision.

Thoughts on the above reply? A big issue in our relationship has been me undermining her confidence (unconsciously) and possibly pursuing since BD.


--------------------------------

Long version plus more context.

This past Sunday we saw each other in person (planned). After our business plans, I asked if she wanted to go on an adventure (jeep ride). We did this the previous weekend at her suggestion and had a lot of fun. She said no when I asked and give some reasons why she didn't want to go. I persisted and we went back and forth a few times and she ultimately said she tried to give a nice answer, but she had to resort to being mean. She left and and about 30 minutes later she texted me:

W: "I feel like I say no to things and you do them or push me to do them anyways".

Me: Ok, I didn't realize that you felt that way. Thank you for helping me understand".

A few hours later I went over to her house to get my bag (I spent the night their previously [on her couch]). I left to drive home and she texted me to say, "I put some papers in the lining of the suitcase for you".

I read the papers when I got home. Since BD she has been archiving things that she reads that resonate with her. She printed out all 15 pages or so. Examples of things are, "The brain treats rejection like physical pain", the only thing you've lost when you get rejected is a man who doesn't want to be with you", "Don't push me away and then wonder where I went".

If I had to categorize all of the messages, I would say there were 4 main groups:
  • Feeling rejected
  • Accepting that it was time to move on even if painful
  • Tips on how to have a good marriage
  • Things related to her zodiac sign (which apparently this year says that it is time to remove the things that cause you pain this year and start
    over).


I read over them many times, but did not comment on them until today. Our correspondence has been very limited the last few days. I reached out today and said:

Me: Thank you for the papers. It was very heavy subject matter, so I wanted to make sure I took time to fully read and understand them. What did you intend to have me get from them?

{Several hours later)

W: I just went home and took a nap and then felt like giving them to you.

(I waited an hour)

Me: Oh, I see. Well, I think I am only just beginning to see the Hell you lived with. Thank you again for helping me to understand. If you ever want to talk about them, I am willing to listen.


(An hour later again)

W: I want to move on.






So there you have it, that gives at least some context. I will wait until tomorrow morning to respond, so that I can sleep on it. I really would appreciate any feedback.


Me: 28
W: 28
No Kids
Together: 10 years
Married: 3 years
ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17
She moved out: 11/15/17

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