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Maika Offline OP
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Yeh pretty brutal, but it was the level of risk that I was willing to take. I knew that I couldn't live in ambiguity and just go with the flow. I needed to know more about her state of mind at that time point so that I could figure out what I needed to do myself.

I think it's okay to have some hope tucked away in your heart. It can be helpful in the sense that you can gauge your actions a little bit and not do things to harm a potential recon. However, that hope has to be tucked away deep and there is no reason to bring it out unless the process for recon does start to happen. If you keep it out, then it can hinder your ability to focus on yourself and detach because you're kinda pining away for a reality that might not come around. Also you keep fetishizing the past and the MR, which also doesn't help.

But as you get stronger and bolder and more detached, the impact of that hope lessens because you have reached new levels of growth for yourself and things weren't as rosy as you had previously pictured.

In terms of relief - nah, i didn't feel any relief right away. I was pretty crushed and devastated for a little bit. But, then the relief came because I had no excuse but to focus on myself. I had no other road to follow. And then the burden came off my shoulders coupled with realizing that she was also equally at fault for the demise of the MR.

With what I have learned so far, I think it's best that newbies just move towards focusing on themselves and self-care. It's hard to do in the beginning because you're just so consumed by pain and devastation, but if you can make quicker moves towards focusing on yourself and letting go of the partner, the better your timeline of healing will be.

I didn't truly start on my healing path until that temp check happened, and even then it took me some time to rise from being crushed. I wish I had trusted the DB process more from the beginning and not taken crumbs from her as positive signs. I know it's easier said than done in hindsight because emotions were all over the map. But trust the DB process for yourself if you can right away - it will truly empower you.

Once I took accountability, I was empowered and felt I could change things for myself and I wasn't just going to stay as a victim to life's circumstances.

I'm around and if I can help in any way I will. Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best. I will be following your thread.


No one is coming to save you!

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Originally Posted By: Maika

Oh man! What would I give to just hang with some peeps from here and share our battle scars and successes over a few drinks. I wish there was a DB conference where we could all meet with special sessions by folks like Sandi, Vanilla, AS, 25 etc etc.


We actually had a FB group going for a while (this was maybe 3 years ago) where people could coordinate that. I was using an alternate ID with my profile here as the "name" and after several months FB closed my account (apparently it's against the rules to have more than one account). I've since tried to find it again but don't see it anymore!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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A group like this would interest me greatly.


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
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Maika Offline OP
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I guess it would destroy all anonymity but if people were ok with that, they would join. Oh well!


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Look for "The DB Society" on FB. It's set to "closed", so you have to request to join. After people have a chance to join I'll change it to "private" so no one can see it except members.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 1,668
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Searching for it now.


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 1,668
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Found it


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 54
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Originally Posted By: Maika

I told her that it was hella confusing for her to do that and it was giving mixed signals.

Anyways, that was the epic showdown in a nutshell. All the ambiguity that I was dealing with because of her crumbs and cake-eating had me in a mental loop. But this absolutely cleared it and I told her that I am taking her at her word and I wont' be looking for subtext or reading between the lines.



I know this is a recap of an old update, but I was not around for the original post. This confusing limbo seems to be a common theme. After being away for each other for a few months after BD (but still fairly reg communication and in person contact due to business) she came back to our house to help with a yard sale. She spent the weekend and although there was no romance, we had a great time. The final day she was here, so started talking about thinking about moving back in and maybe even buying a different house for us to start over in. The very next day she 180'ed and said she was finally starting to heal away from me and she did not want to give me false hope. There were certainly times that I read in to things more than I should have and gave myself false hope, but to tell someone you are thinking of moving back in and even buying a house, that is beyond false hope.

Anyway, I am glad to hear it sounds like you are coming through on the other side and I feel your pain for it being confusing.


Me: 28
W: 28
No Kids
Together: 10 years
Married: 3 years
ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17
She moved out: 11/15/17
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Maika Offline OP
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haha yehh.. she asked me to sleep over at her place for an entire week like we were husband and wife... practically naked.. anyways, that meant nothing apparently... what a blood trip!


No one is coming to save you!

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Maika Offline OP
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bloody trip! stupid typo


No one is coming to save you!

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