A year ago out of nowhere W gave me a shocking BD - she has been unhappy for YEARS, and she wanted a separation, and a divorce. We had bought our first home together six months back. A perfect home for our kids and us. Everything that we had dreamed of. We were both in good jobs and first time in our MR it seemed that we were going to be stable.
W started a new grad program which is very high energy with a lotta new people. She got very close to a guy who was also going through some MR troubles and had an EA - even though I don't think she recognizes it as such, it was definitely that. He made a move on her and kissed her, which she apparently rebuffed. Couple of other things that happened gave me a pause to actually believing that story.
We sold the house and moved into two places. She got a place right away and I stayed in the MR home till closing - which was hell. Kids were ripped apart. We agreed to 50/50 split. I was devastated. W gave me the same old story as we see here.
I started IC right away and GALing. Picked up climbing, started working out, and getting healthy.
It's a year from that event, and you can read my full journey in the threads above. I had a lot of falls, but I picked myself up. I temp checked W a few months after BD and it gave me clarity to as to what to do next, but it destroyed me in the process too - she flat out told me that there was no second chance and this was permanent.
I honestly know feel that I am emotionally and mentally stronger and grounded. I did not pursue, and focused on myself. I am not out of the woods by any means, but I am here standing tall with my integrity intact. I did not date as it seemed very premature and I am still not ready for that.
D is going to happen because I am going to file - not because I am giving up, but I am in a place where I know what I need from a partner and she doesn't bring that to the table as of now. She has also shown no sign of turning the ship around. I can file after end of June, and I will decide how to go about it then.
In the meantime, I also got two tats and getting inked again this week, with plans to complete my sleeve by the end of the year. I am looking good, and more importantly, feeling awesome and ladies have noticed. So, I know I am going to be more than good.
This will most likely be my last thread here. I will stay on to share my insights with noobs as needed.
Thanks again for everything to everyone. You folks saved my life.
you are a legend. Your story is the framework around which i build my plans to handle my sitch. I know there are dozens of newbies here for follow your lead. Myself among them.
Thanks for all your sharing and contribution.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Good on you M, it is crazy how far we have come. I feel like we are old timers and how much support we have given each other along the way. It has been invaluable and I agree saved me from myself. Some times I feel it is hard to comment any more in any capacity. It's hard emotionally.
I am just amazed at your fortitude LH - you being able to DB and just move on with life with your W basically still in your life like an-almost-wife, with the extracurricular activities to boot. I don't know how you did it man.
One of the creeds I live by now is based on what is in my signature. You have to let people come in go in your life as they please.
Also as we have discussed, I am never ever again going to try to convince someone to stay with me.
She is a big girl who can make her own decisions. Time will tell if it was the right one.
OrangeK - Thanks for the kind words. If my journey can shed some light to others, I am more than happy that I could provide some insight from my falls and successes. Keep it up! When I started, people told me that there was light at the end of the tunnel, but I didn't trust it. After a year, I know that the sun is shining bright for me and all I say to others is that - trust the process for yourself and put in the work, there will be redemption for you, and much much more. It is hard to see that in the beginning and I fully understand that, but accepting the pain and going through it is the best way. It is hella rough, don't get me wrong, but it is the most rewarding because it gives you no choice but to grow.
J9 - I know we've come a long way. We came on the boards about the same time and you have truly been a brother to me along this journey. Yeah, I am going to take a step back in commenting for a bit - Blu's latest thread explains how she feels about it now and I kinda feel the same. There are amazing people here still and hopefully the newbies also do what we did - dig up past threads and read up.
LH - yeh, your signature is what I am embodying in my life too. Your W is a big girl and hopefully she can live with her decision in the long term. You sound like you're more than fine and embracing life fully - major kudos.
Vanilla - thanks for the update on the goals. I will go and take a look back and reprioritize some stuff. I also have so many things I want to do and I don't have the time for everything. But, breaking things into bite sized chunks will be helpful. I don't need to achieve everything by 2018 - but I want to get good at a few things and I have to map it out. I want to invest in myself and that takes some time. I think I am in a better place now emotionally and mentally to focus on it. Before it was just too much wallowing in my victimhood and all of that. That's why the D will be a good step in closing things for me and getting that fresh start. I haven't been living in limbo or anything, but there needs to be some finality to this chapter as I am slowly coming into myself as my own person and shedding the husband identity.
Life is exciting and I am looking forward to mapping out what I want to do and then committing to the process.
You've grown a tremendous amount in a year Maika! I think it took me longer to get to where you are, more like 1-1/2 to 2 years. Of course it's different for every person, but a year is still an impressive turnaround!
Do you have a theme going for your sleeve? I've been fascinated with tattoos my whole life, always wanted them but didn't think it was appropriate for a white collar family man. After S and D my whole outlook changed, I didn't care about what was "appropriate" anymore, LOL! I think I've mentioned it before but I've got an arm sleeve and leg sleeve, would have more if it wasn't so darned expensive to get high quality work. And while I thought my kids would think it was weird or embarrassing, they actually love it. If they hear someone comment on it they'll stop me so I can show the person or tell them about it. It's been pretty fun!
Thanks V - that's a really good perspective to take on the D. I'll add that in.
AS - honestly, I am a bit surprised where I am at right now. I didn't think I would be here emotionally and mentally. Yes, I put in the work but a lot of credit goes to folks like you who kept me honest and gave me the necessary 2x4s. Your insight into the WAS fog vs. the LBS fog was such a bit A-HA moment for me, and it really helped me clear my thinking and beating myself over and over again - I had over-amplified my faults and minimized hers and put her on a pedestal. As soon as I got through that, my fog started lifting and I could see more clearly.
Yeh, I have an animal theme going on for my sleeve. I know exactly what I want to complete the sleeve, but I need to work with a good artist to bring it to life. I am not in a rush, but if I can get it done by the end of this year, that would be great - need to save cash lol. The animals represent very pivotal moments in my life and I have a deep connection to them, so it's a perfect theme. I will have the artist fill out the rest with the same theme that go around the animals.
I got two small tats done and I am getting a medium one done this week. I had planned this progression and after this one's done, I will take a break for a few months while I find the right artist and then start with the sleeve.
All in all, life is great. I plan to prioritize some of my goals and start planning how I will be investing in myself and skills to move ahead in life personally, but also professionally. I have so much I want to do and I aim to fill up my time with all of these things that bring me joy and a sense of satisfaction. I am honestly excited for my life and what I trust I can accomplish.
I look forward to my next long term relationship with a spectacular woman as well. I know she's out there and when I am ready to plunge in the dating pool, I will take that step. I am in no rush.
Maika, this is the first time I have commented on your thread but I have followed your sitch from the begining. I came here about the same time as you and I have seen the unbelievable growth you have made, it has also helped me as you were asking the same questions I was. You and J9 are people I would love to meet and have a beer.
No doubt a great life is waiting for you!!
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
