I am sorry Jim, I understand its mixed feelings, glad its over but very sad that it is all over. But who knows what the future holds right, life is long for all of us to reassess how we feel towards sitches and people. I do sense detachment in your thread that is healthy, I pray that you find happiness from within. Good luck
Well, we're pretty close to reaching a settlement agreement. We agree in principal, and even mostly on the numbers. There were some tax considerations the mediator didn't include in the numbers. I brought it up, and W agreed with everything I said. The mediator asked if I would adjust the numbers to reflect the tax considerations, and I said sure. Not quite sure what I'm paying her for, but at least this way, I get to make sure the numbers are right.
We're supposed to be taking S18 to college in two weeks. 12 hour drive each way, with at least one hotel stay. I am kind of dreading it. Yes, it will give us a chance to talk, but what are we going to talk about? I doubt she has had an epiphany, and, short of that, nothing in our sitch has changed.
The good news is that I am beginning to detach, finally. When I find myself pining for her, I remember all the ways she wasn't really a good wife, and it helps.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I got the financial part of the settlement done, emailed it to WAW and mediator a week ago, and haven't heard anything from either of them. I spoke to WAW last night, after we returned from an exhausting trip to drop S18 off at college, to ask if she actually received it. She said she, but didn't understand spreadsheets, and couldn't make heads or tails of it. She started to get upset, thinking I was demanding a response, but I quickly calmed her down by saying she could take all the time she wanted to look at it. I just wanted to know if she received it. I offered to explain it in nauseating detail whenever she wanted. She was fine after that, and said she'd take another look at it and get back to me.
We decided to travel with S18 to college. 11.5 hour drive each way. Left Monday, got back yesterday. I was dreading it, but determined to bring no drama to the occasion. Apparently, WAW felt the same way, and it was a really nice trip. I wondered what we were going to talk about on the way home, but it was actually very pleasant. We got a suite the first night, and S18 and I slept in one room and she slept in another. On the way home, we got two rooms. I paid the lion's share, but she contributed significantly.
I was determined not to pursue, bring up reconciliation, or discuss the divorce, and didn't. She didn't either, and I enjoyed the trip. I'm sure she did, too. While she was napping, though, I couldn't help but think "If we still get along this well, WTF are we getting divorced for?"
It was a bit of a setback, in that for the last month, I've been better with distancing, and remembering all the ways she wasn't a good wife, and didn't even try to meet my needs. While she was napping, I thought about bringing up reconciliation, but in the end, decided there wasn't any point.
I'm not sure where we're going to go from here, but I suspect it's one more mediation session where we go over the financial settlement line by line, sign off on it, and then hand it to the lawyers to schedule the rubber stamp by the court.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I read your update and this is the part where I get a confused. When you talk about the nice time that you and your wife had and how slowly the divorce has progressed it just seems like this is all so unnecessary. Have you sought the advice of a relationship expert or counselor to ask if your approach is what they recommend? Do you think you made it too easy on your wife by keeping the relationship amicable and letting her feel that she can have the best of both worlds? A friendship with you and spending time together while getting to live on her own being divorced? What if you made one final push towards reconciliation and fought to keep the marriage? What if you showed her a strong, confident man who believes strongly in salvaging the life you two built together? What if you sweep her off her feet to a romantic getaway and pursue her like you did back when you first met? I'm not proposing you do those things but just asking whether you've gotten a second opinion from an expert or someone from a different school of thought? I feel when you get to this point you have nothing to lose but I guess at the end-of-the-day if you've tried everything and your spouse still doesn't want to be with you then all you can do is accept the new state of affairs and go through with the divorce.
Nicole, I don't pretend to understand her. I freely admit that I would not have suffered the introspection to understand my part in the failure of our marriage, but it just seems like too little too late. She has told me that. I think you might be right about having made things too easy for her.
As far as different approaches, I tried a number of them between DB and her moving out, and none of them went anywhere. Then I found this the books, and this site, and recognized a lot of those behaviors as pursuing, so I stopped. As far as being too nice to her, someone on one of my earlier threads reminded me that the ultimate goal was to reconcile, and being nice seemed to be a better way to do that than being antagonistic. I'm sure that means I've let her do some cake eating, but that line just seems fuzzy to me, so I've let some things go, which is also a 180 for me. Maybe I'm rationalizing.... I don't know.
I think we're very close to having a finalized settlement agreement, and I am thinking of suggesting that, if she has any interest in working to put our marriage back together, we attend one joint counseling session. But unless she is willing to do her share, I am not really interested. And yes, that's a huge step for me.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
While she was napping, though, I couldn't help but think "If we still get along this well, WTF are we getting divorced for?"
Yeah I thought that sooooo many times and still think it even now. Even after all these years I'm still kind of astonished that we're D'd. We got along really well right up to BD and really didn't get along badly at all even during S and D. And after all of that we settled back into a friendly R. I don't know what she thought she would find outside the M, but according to my girls she's still struggling with sadness and depression. Honestly I think that's as much of an answer we're ever going to get- they are unhappy and they're not sure why, but they're hoping if they ditch us it'll get better.
Honestly I think that's as much of an answer we're ever going to get- they are unhappy and they're not sure why, but they're hoping if they ditch us it'll get better.
Amen. I think this is exactly right. Of course that's not to say I couldn't have been better in some ways. It's a shame that I didn't embrace that until too late, though.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I think we're very close to having a finalized settlement agreement, and I am thinking of suggesting that, if she has any interest in working to put our marriage back together, we attend one joint counseling session. But unless she is willing to do her share, I am not really interested. And yes, that's a huge step for me.
i hear you Jim, seems all the love and the beautiful family we had lost for nothing. It is worth a try, nothing hurts at this time by asking her I suppose. Do you see changes in her, do you feel she has introspected and is able to own her share in the decline of the MR?
Arshi, if I'm honest, I think she is happier without me. In retrospect, the pressure I put on her by pursuing her was pretty insane, and she doesn't have to deal with that anymore. Because of that, I don't think she has introspected or cares about her share in the decline of the MR.
I'm about to propose a financial settlement that I think we will both think is fair. I will suggest one more counselling session, but doubt she will be interested. And the nice thing is that I'm not really all that bothered by that any more.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
You know Jim she might just be so unhappy with herself that she can't deal with the pressure of trying to hold and work on a marriage and all that comes with it. It just might be too much for her and the responsibilities that come with it with tending to your needs.
