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A Message from Michele
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Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Jim1234] #2795196
06/11/18 12:44 AM
06/11/18 12:44 AM
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Posts: 7,503
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Jim, just remember that 2 weeks in these sitches is about a second compared to a day. It is a very small amount of time. So I would caution against timetables, and just encourage you to set times to reevaluate how you feel. Give yourself these 2 weeks and then see what you feel like and if you feel you can continue on DBing, or if you'd rather just end things.

LBS are notorious for setting timetables and not living up to it. And yes I know I set a year limit on my sitch but that was more of a suggested goal by another anti-D writer's (not MWD) private consultation advice.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Steve85] #2795296
06/11/18 06:10 AM
06/11/18 06:10 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
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25yearsmlc  Offline
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CA- now East coast
Steve,

I always thought your signature block was an odd declaration for a guy on this site because in it, you say you "will file" not that you "might" or "IF"... (just saying)

Jim, no one can handle limbo, indefinitely AND be at peace. There is power in inertia, but it's not a good one.

I understand your need for an internal timeline and I think it's a smart idea as long as you don't see it as a promise or contractual deal you MUST follow up on.

But know why you are following thru - OR not. Are you not following thru b/c you are just being stuck - or you are too fearful to act

OR

if you choose to file, are you acting out of anger and frustration?

Figure this^^ out and see where it leads you. Did you say you have a T?

I cannot imagine going thru this ordeal, without a solid T to bounce ideas off of and to help you stay on your path. That path is guided by a healthy outlook on your end, and a moral compass of your choosing.

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2795385
06/11/18 01:15 PM
06/11/18 01:15 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 372
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arsh18 Offline
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Posts: 372
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

You can't really restore a marriage and have it last, without enforcing boundaries and being true to yourself, as well.


This is so well put, to restore a lasting MR should be our aim not just get our WAS back. But as time goes most of us start realizing things will never be the same as before, how we make it better really depends on the couple involved and situations I would think.

Jim, I get limbo feels like eternity but in the grand scheme of things this phase someday may look like just a bump on your smooth life path, hang in there, nothing including the limbo can last forever.

Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: arsh18] #2797217
06/21/18 04:07 PM
06/21/18 04:07 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Jim1234  Offline OP
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I think my D will be finalized shortly. I saw W today. I didn't mention the D, but she volunteered that she'll accept the number I suggested a few weeks ago (basically because she can't do the work to come up with the exact number), and asked if I would let the mediator know. I've already done that, and now it looks like we will just have to meet with the mediator to sign the agreement, and then stop by court to finalize it.

I'm not sure how I feel about it... Logically, I'm good. Emotionally, not as much. Not devastated, but not happy.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Jim1234] #2797256
06/22/18 12:26 AM
06/22/18 12:26 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Hey Jim, I can tell you I felt the same way. I knew that I would be good, far from good but I still felt the emotions. The sadness, the questions still lingering in the back of my head, I just wanted to shake her and tell her to wake up.

BD was far worse than standing in front of the judge and meeting with L but it was emotionally exhausting.

Just remember you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Life is short and you deserve to find happiness. I try to tell myself this every time I start to feel weak and emotional. We just have to keep moving forward.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2797298
06/22/18 02:34 AM
06/22/18 02:34 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
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NicoleR Offline
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Posts: 937
Jim, I had meant to ask if your wife had ever responded to that e-mail you sent? I guess not. It sounds like she hasn't had a change of heart which is really too bad. If you and your wife are good enough to sit together at a restaurant and talk for an hour and go to a movie together it just doesn't seem like divorce is necessary. But I guess your wife would have to signal she wants that and you've done everything possible to demonstrate that you've changed and you'd be open to reconciling. Maybe yours will be one of the rare cases where your wife comes to try again after divorce. The risk she's taking is that you may no longer be available or interested at that point. It's hard to give up hope completely. You never know what might happen someday. For now it's just very sad. You've had a long time to prepare for the actual divorce but that doesn't make emotion-free. Surely you and even your wife will have mixed emotions. I hope it goes as well as can be expected. Keep us posted.

Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: NicoleR] #2797513
06/24/18 02:52 AM
06/24/18 02:52 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Jim1234  Offline OP
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J9, I want to shake her and tell her to wake up, too, but know it won't do any good. I'll just keep trying to move forward. You've done a good job of lighting the way, and I appreciate that.

Nicole, this was the only response I got. I don't know if it was in response to the email I sent, or what she needed to do from our last mediation session. I guess it doesn't really matter.

Anyway, I'm just trying to take it day by day. Between our work/vacation schedules, it will be a while before we sit down with the mediator again.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Jim1234] #2797590
06/25/18 12:06 AM
06/25/18 12:06 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
and asked if I would let the mediator know. I've already done that


So Jim is the D something you want? I am always confused by LBSs that don't want D that do their WASs D work. Why couldn't she contact the mediator and let them know? Have you always done her work for her? Are you a rescuer? Are you only doing it because you think being D will be less painful than limbo?


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Jim1234] #2797671
06/25/18 03:26 AM
06/25/18 03:26 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Quote:
I'll just keep trying to move forward. You've done a good job of lighting the way, and I appreciate that.


That's really all you can do. It does get better with time but I would lying if I didn't tell you that I still have my moments.

My EW just got her boob job done today and is lying in a hospital bed hurting with a close family friend by her side. It does hurt a little that I am not there but it's no longer my role (just my initial reaction). It is what it is and I just have to keep moving forward. It helps me to remember that she got those done for someone else, they are not for me so when I think about it that way it just helps me move further down the path.

Every now and then I remind myself about what I don't like about my EW, I do this especially when I start to feel weak.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2800186
07/09/18 03:36 AM
07/09/18 03:36 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Jim1234  Offline OP
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It's been a while since I've posted, mostly since not much has gone on. With the mediator having all the information, it's really just a matter of finding time when we can get together, read the separation agreement over, and sign it. With our schedules, that may take a little time. I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

W needs money to pay some contractors, so, with the separation agreement pending, I agreed she could liquidate some of our mutual funds. (thanks Steve for reminding me that I don't have to do it for her! She asked me to, but I made her.)

Her mother, sister, and cousin are coming from overseas for a visit next week. W turned 60 recently, and is throwing herself a birthday party. She invited me; I happened to have my work schedule right in front of me, and could let her know right then that I wouldn't be able to attend. She mentioned she was going to invite my family, too, and wasn't sure if any would come. I didn't comment, but I suspect no one will, except possibly my sister in law. I have thrown her great, lavish, surprise parties on the big ones that were very well attended. The vindictive side of me hopes no one shows up to this one.

I like her family, and hope to see them. I don't want to manipulate them into helping me, but OTOH I hope her mother will talk to her and help her see the light. Not holding my breath.

She's finally getting around to doing things around her house, like unpacking boxes and painting. I'm pretty sure it's because she doesn't want her mom to see the state she's been living in. That doesn't help me, because her mom will think she's been living normally for the last year, and so won't push her to get help for depression.

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

Every now and then I remind myself about what I don't like about my EW, I do this especially when I start to feel weak.


I was watching a TED talk about two weeks ago, and it suggested the same thing. I don't know if it's helping, but at least it's something I can actively do, rather than just sitting there feeling sorry for myself.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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