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A Message from Michele
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Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: NicoleR] #2793985
06/04/18 09:35 PM
06/04/18 09:35 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Jim1234  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: NicoleR
you should be able to express your opinions especially given that you have nothing further to lose.


That's kind of what I decided. Nothing to lose.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: arsh18] #2793987
06/04/18 09:44 PM
06/04/18 09:44 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Jim1234  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: arsh18

Hi Jim, would giving her an ultimatum get you to a better place? I read somewhere you should give a WAS at least as many months as the number of years that you have been together. Giving her a strict ultimatum might make it clear to her that you are truly detached and are not ready to be in limbo anymore.

My issuing ultimatums was one of the problems in our marriage, so I don't think that's a good idea, but our divorce has gone on a long time. I think the email make it clear that I'm not ready to stay in limbo any more.

And about the value of her house, would you be able to get an appraisal on it and share the costs with her? or have her get an appraisal and set up a deadline for it. This would be more beneficial to you than her under quoting the value of the house.


It's really a matter of how much money WE invested in her house, so an appraisal wouldn't really matter. We both know the number within about $ 30K, and the difference is simply not important to me any longer.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2793988
06/04/18 09:51 PM
06/04/18 09:51 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Jim1234  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Jim,

can you hire a CPA or do the research yourself to see what marital money went into her home?

Can you take the bull by the horns and handle this yourself?

If not, then I'd seek counsel about how to move things forward NOT b/c you want a divorce

but b/c she IS dragging this out - probably b/c she benefits from the status quo.


(shrugs) Too bad it's lousy for you.

So, If she's harboring doubts about the divorce - but won't tell you she wants a recon, or move towards one, does it matter IF she has internal, doubts, that remain unexpressed? Wouldn't you need more from her to truly reconcile? (& - trust me, a meaningful reconciliation would require more from her in order to last...)

So

What is it YOU CAN control in this situation? Okay then.

Time to exercise choice, and take steps out of limbo. That may wake her up, but either way at least you won't feel so paralyzed due to someone else's choices.

It is soul sucking to have that.

Keep posting


You are right about all this, 25. It is soul sucking and completely leaves me at the mercy of her choices. And if she wants to reconcile, she needs to do the work, and she's shown no inclination of that.

As I mention above, it's not really a matter for CPA's, and to move it forward, if she won't come up with a number, I'll lowball it just to move the process forward.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Jim1234] #2794133
06/05/18 07:57 AM
06/05/18 07:57 AM
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arsh18 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234

No, I don't, but I guess I'm at the point that divorce is preferable to limbo. This has taken a long time, and gone nowhere.

Seems like you have made a decision Jim, you seem have been pushed far enough. Hope you find peace however you decide to proceed

Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: arsh18] #2794134
06/05/18 08:04 AM
06/05/18 08:04 AM
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Steve85 Offline
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Jim, repeating what one of our DB expert posters told me when I was complaining about limbo: limbo is the gift of time.

Everyday you are in limbo is one day you aren't divorced. And for every day that goes by that you aren't divorced there is a greater chance you will never be divorced.

Remember sandi's rule: NEVER give up.

Limbo is difficult, I agree. But what if you were on the path to R, didn't know it, got impatient and moved the D along yourself. Won't you always wonder if she would have eventually come around?

Just things to think about.


M(50), W(51),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Steve85] #2794188
06/05/18 12:45 PM
06/05/18 12:45 PM
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arsh18 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Steve85

Everyday you are in limbo is one day you aren't divorced. And for every day that goes by that you aren't divorced there is a greater chance you will never be divorced.

I second Steve, everyday you arent divorced your children have parents vs part time mom and dad and chances of your MR holding up is higher.Why would you want the guilt of breaking your home, let your W bear that burden.

Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Steve85] #2794226
06/05/18 04:54 PM
06/05/18 04:54 PM
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Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Steve and arsh, thank you for your insights. I don't know how much longer I will wait (as you can tell, I'm pretty fed up), but I will wait a little longer because of your posts.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Jim1234] #2794303
06/06/18 02:45 AM
06/06/18 02:45 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
Steve and arsh, thank you for your insights. I don't know how much longer I will wait (as you can tell, I'm pretty fed up), but I will wait a little longer because of your posts.



This is not uncommon. Usually D is finally initiated and/or moved forward by the LBS once they've had enough of the WASs activities and/or inactivity (limbo). Usually when this occurs the LBS is now ready to move on physically and emotionally, which triggers the WAS suddenly being interested in R!

Weird dynamic where it isn't until the LBS really gives up, that the WAS suddenly is interested in saving the MR, often too late.


M(50), W(51),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: Steve85] #2794407
06/06/18 08:35 AM
06/06/18 08:35 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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seems to me Jim, that at least showing how "Done" you are feeling, but before it's totally completely true,

could trigger a change in your wife. IT MAY NOT, but at least you'd have given that a shot.

Overt Patience
does not seem to be working. And you count here too. Saving the marriage is second in priority to saving yourself.

(You can't really restore a marriage and have it last, without enforcing boundaries and being true to yourself, as well. That was my mistake in reconciliation, btw.0

I did the GAL pretty wonderfully, but I always felt in the back of my mind that X would see the light. A part of me held on, too long.

I didn't realize how much I was projecting onto HIM, how I felt about marriage and family. I thought he was confused or having a "MLC", as opposed to simply revealing the truth about his priorities being HIM first, HIS career second, and so forth...when conflicts between his priorities arose, I cannot think of a time in the second half of our m, that he chose OTHER than himself. Yet I refused to see this. His actions were not totally consistent so I'd glom onto the 1/5 of his behavior that wasn't lousy, and feel a sense of affirmation that indeed he was coming around...so I more or less skimmed over the 4/5 of his behavior that was unloving or selfish.

Truth be told, our spouses often see and value things VERY differently than we hoped.

Hence the phrase, "Actions speak MUCH LOUDER than words".


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: And still struggling 2 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2795194
06/11/18 12:38 AM
06/11/18 12:38 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Jim1234  Offline OP
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25, I've been thinking about what you've written for a few days, and I see what you're saying. I'm trying to reconcile Steve's comment about the gift of time with overt patience not really doing me any good. Because of travelling for work I won't have any time to meet with W and mediator anyway, so I guess I've decided to give her another two weeks or so before addressing it more directly.

The good news is that S18 is graduating today! We're going for an early dinner with D16, my parents, and I thought about it and asked W to join us. So, after tonight, per the state, he is emancipated and I no longer have to pay child support for him.

Also, next month the small arrearage that built up between her moving out and being awarded APL and C/S will be paid off, so I'm about to get $1000/month raise!

TBH, that's also part of my desire to move forward with the D. I want to get it over and done with before she realizes how big this change is and panics.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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