25, all along the way on my divorce journey, I was blessed with little moments where I could see that Mr. Fantastic had given me a gift with his departure. Every time I asked who does that, I answered, nobody I want to know. I tried to redirect myself from spending time thinking about the years Id spent married to him, or the fact that Id made choices to prioritize him over my kids, etc. It helped me get closer to Meh, a place Id like to know really well someday.
Your x has done his damage. Use that as fuel for getting to Meh.
You are a great mom and a great person, and all will be well.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/25/1812:57 AM. Reason: restored post
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
25, all along the way on my divorce journey, I was blessed with little moments where I could see that Mr. Fantastic had given me a gift with his departure. Every time I asked who does that, I answered, nobody I want to know. I tried to redirect myself from spending time thinking about the years Id spent married to him, or the fact that Id made choices to prioritize him over my kids, etc. It helped me get closer to Meh, a place Id like to know really well someday.
Your x has done his damage. Use that as fuel for getting to Meh.
You are a great mom and a great person, and all will be well.
Maybell the contractions with the apostrophe is what is causing your posts to disappear - it is restored.
Edit - Reading backwards I already told you that......
(**I meant to say x underpays me by about $345 a month, NOT $3450...I wish)
But yes I get what you mean by the reminders in the "gifts" of departure. When their behavior is so outrageous and so much of an "outlier" in the scale of behaviors, you suddenly see clearly that there was never anyway you could meet their insanely high , ever changing expectations. AND that you should not ever have shifted your own goals and dreams to meet them...
I read in the 4 Agreements that if someone causes you pain or tension in your life and then leaves your life, see it as a gift. Because it just is.
And that's a huge shift in me but it's really sinking in. And so is pity for x, who will either face his demons and live with them
or live with so much cognitive dissonance that it will keep him free living authentically the rest of his life, which is also very sad for him. His life up there is based on a lie. The work up there is, the finances, and the relationships and the lies he has to tell people about our children (IF he tells them at all...).
If he can erase 35 years and 3 children and a wife he knows loved him, then he's got a disorder of some magnitude. Not my job to fix it and
as my s31 said, My happiness cannot hinge on x seeing the light."
I spend at least 12 years believing x would see the light and that my loyalty and "loving him thru the MLC" and all the crappy behavior I disguised as his "confusion/fog"
when in reality the kids saw through him much better.
Yes I regret wasting so much time in denial about x.
BUT I promise to limit the regrets b/c they are not productive, once you learn from them.
Not sure how I'll watch for things in my next r, or how I'll deal with issues and enforcing deal breakers, but I KNOW I will.
I'm rebuilding my own r's with the kids b/c I can now more fully see why they were so frustrated with me at times.
I refused to see what they saw...but I do now.
I see that We are truly better off without him. Just not sure how long it will take me to feel healed, b/c I don't see healing as the same thing as meh. I'm closer to depersonalizing b/c of His email. His stated views and his dishonorable conduct during the entire divorce process, not to mention how he treated me when I was sick, help me to depersonalize it in a way b/c it's just so bad. And he mentioned NONE of this in his letter to the kids.
Man it stings beyond description to know the man I loved for decades, all of my adult life, could do these things to me.
And to our children. And take zero accountability and learn nothing. But it's true.
Yep, I know...back to me and my life and kids.
Thanks guys, really.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yep it's hard to fathom. Because WE are not that kind of person.
Went to see the Book Club movie with my best girlfriend today. We really enjoyed it. I have to fly to Florida for a conference later this week and hope I can meet a sexy man on the plane like Diane Keaton does. Never happens but I think I'll dress cute anyway
When I went to a wedding in Puerto Rico last month, a very cute waiter asked me out. He must have been 35 y/o, at most. I mentioned the age difference (without being specific, of course) and he told me his "last girlfriend was 44 - ie older than" I am... -um, okay
it's every middle aged woman's dream, right? Then He gave me his contact info and said he was off work at midnight. I was very intrigued by this opportunity which might not ever come up again in my life.
But My sisters were freaking out for me ("could be a serial killer!")
So I didn't go to "the party" but it was very nice to be invited.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
There's definitely a younger guy/older woman thing going on out there. I blame it on Demi Moore. They know we have skills plus we won't expect anything from them.
I'm not sure I'll buy the "not expect anything from the younger ones" gambit yet.
And since seeing that email from x to the kids, I have felt a plunge in my desire for any new R.
(Don't get me wrong, I am still seeing M & he is a really kind thoughtful man).
But I'm really stung by my own blindness in the past. I slap my forehead with the "WTF was I thinking/believing/projecting - that a smart woman like me would endure this??"
Which makes me realize I have to figure out how I can KNOW someone enough to let myself be in love with them.
It's going to take time. I'm just not healed, but that's not to say I'm in a bad place.
This divorce was like open heart surgery to me. The recovery period is a long one, but rushing it is a very bad idea.
I'm much better now than I was in the operating room and post op, but I'm not jumping up and down or jogging yet either.
I'm about half way there in terms of really opening my heart up.
Plus, lately I notice I am turned off by the "need for a partner" that I sense in some others. As if a new R is proof that we are desirable people who deserve better than we got. I already know that. And another significant other involved with an un-evolved ME is not the solution to that.
That perceived need to be part of a couple, is part of what allowed me to stay blind and paralyzed for too long.
As I go forward, I'm going to make sure I'm truly fine on my own, so that any coupling is done out of desire, and not need.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Totally. The first few years after my ex left, I subconsciously chose unavailable men precisely because I wasn't really ready to step back into being fully in a relationship.
Even when I did finally get in a relationship with ex-Mr Tall Dark and Handsome I didn't feel that infatuated feeling; but he was present and appeared caring and I enjoyed the novelty of being adored. After all those Love Avoidant guys I felt like I should enjoy this. He didn't tick off all my boxes but then who does, right?
Unfortunately, as you know, all was not as it appeared with him and I'm still trying to shift his manic focus off of me. I'm getting ready to date again (actual new person dating, not the FWB contact with former Love Avoidant date) but finding it hard to drum up enough enthusiasm. I WANT a steady date, someone I can hang with and share good morning texts with, but do I REALLY want to be all-in? Maybe not. Maybe if my FWB hadn't ghosted me I could have been perfectly happy with a once a month date with him and nothing more. But since he's gone silent I'll have to do some work if I want to date.
I've chatted a little with a potential coffee date guy who seems worth giving a chance. I'll probably meet him next weekend. He seems better employed than some of my previous dates (Air Force then some kind of computer network related work for a large business) . He plays in chess clubs so smart and nerdy (which could be good or bad depending on degree of social impairment). Has a caterpillar mustache that is a turnoff but hoping it looks better in person. Keeping an open mind.
Certainly I'm concerned about my ability to choose well. ExBF certainly pulled the wool over my eyes. And I missed the signs of his bipolar disorder because I was so used to my ex husband's hypomania.
Yet at 62 I feel like I need to start dating again and not let too much more time pass. This one year hiatus was necessary but can't continue. It's been five years since I was Online dating and guess what - the guys are five years older too! I'd like to get SOME time to enjoy a guy before he turns into Santa Claus!
