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25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 #2789012
05/09/18 02:56 AM
05/09/18 02:56 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline OP
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25yearsmlc  Offline OP
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Posts: 13,511
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starting a new thread I think... I just took the last post from #9 and am re-posting it here



So X married OW as of the past 2 days. In Hawaii and with one of our former friends, there.

I had dinner last night with x's bff and his wife, and we shared a lot of laughs and good talks. Knew them our whole marriage and whole dating life. Both married the same year. Both had 3 kids, were in school and the military together...

I got the elephant in the room as I had learned of the marriage an hour before the dinner!
(Geez...)

So I told them "hey, I was wronged and betrayed. Our kids were treated terribly. That is just true.
But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life reviewing my list of grievances. I am to blame for the rest of my life."

Most of the time, I believe ^^^^this. But I have my moments of fury about finances and loss. So we talked about old times and my future plans as they have retired (like X and I COULD HAVE idiot...) and they want to visit me wherever I go. AND I believe them.

Yes it still hurts but not as much as I thought it would.

I suppose there will be times when it gut punches me?? Maybe I'm just numb.

But I actually think x is nutty.

Our kids were not invited and he posted his new profile on FB and THAT is how they learned...lovely. That's not normal, folks.

I mean it when I say, I think x has something wrong with him.

Like he has a real personality disorder. And I don't say this merely b/c he remarried - but because of the total discard of our family and marital history. The obnoxious behavior in the divorce - he STILL tells his bff that he was "volunteering"! His name was on the building!

I wish I had read about Personality Disorders a LONG time ago.

I would have cut him loose so much sooner.


Maybe his new wife can fix him. Maybe NOW he can finally be happy.

His dad is on his 4th marriage and considers himself a good father...and I imagine a good h. There are disturbing similarities and when x's bff pointed that out, x totally missed the reference.

But the way x's family - once MY family, have all treated our kids, the ONLY grandchildren, is abysmal. I cannot change that.

So, back to me.

It's over. It's done. And in a very real way, even though there is pain, I feel freer.

Like there is literally nothing attached to my marriage or x anymore, to confuse or hold me back. I have no choice but to make the best of the time I have left.

The m ended and it's not recoverable and there is no "grand lesson" on x's end, coming.

It is over.

Coincidentally and thankfully, I'm flying out to CA to see my older 2 kids for Mother's Day and am excited. Boy, what perfect timing.

They may be more upset than I am. Seriously, I think b/c I can replace a husband - NOT that I want to, but I can remarry.

They are stuck with this man as their only dad. How appallingly painful for them. And they ARE hurt, no matter what x tells himself or whom he blames (me, probably)


X has done a lot of destruction he will never, ever face. And that is how it is.

Can't let him have any more of our energy. It's cut losses time.

As my late French mother would say, sadly "C'est Fini".


(She'd also dramatically swat the air in reference to OW, and say "She can HAVE HIM!")



Working on channeling my mom more. cool


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: 25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2789135
05/09/18 12:49 PM
05/09/18 12:49 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline OP
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25yearsmlc  Offline OP
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Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
As Own and V said, there is value in x being such an outrage thru this experience and ordeal

it IS LESS confusing, if not "easier" to get thru to the other side

but the kids...oh my, they are so freaked.

I'm flying out to see them for Mother's day and am touched by what they have planned.

I love them very much. I INVESTED in them, and at the moment, that feels like it's ;paying off a bit.

Yay.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: 25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2789140
05/09/18 01:08 PM
05/09/18 01:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,116
K
kml Online
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kml  Online
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,116
How long are you going to be out here? I'm playing a gig the next weekend in Carlsbad.

Re: 25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 [Re: kml] #2789186
05/10/18 12:10 AM
05/10/18 12:10 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline
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Jim1234  Offline
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Posts: 718
Wow. I can't imagine finding out my father remarried via facebook. Nothin' but class, your x. Nothin' but class.

I hope you have a wonderful time visiting your kids.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: 25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 [Re: Jim1234] #2789264
05/10/18 03:12 AM
05/10/18 03:12 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,041
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,041
NY
Adding this from the last thread as I just restored it.


Originally Posted By: Maybell
But I cannot see how x replaces our kids, though. OW has a d17, is that enough


I m sorry to say it, but no. He doesn t value your children the way you do. How many of the things he did could he have done if he loved them the way you do Could he have avoided your hospital room if he cared about his children No, because he knows they love you. Could he have left for Alaska if he cared about them No, because keeping them stable in their schools and friendships would have been important to him. Could he have had affairs No, because part of how a father takes care of his children (especially his daughters) is by showing them how a woman (their mother) should be treated.

The OW s d17 is an accessory just as your kids are. If she starts showing up in the pics it will be to show the world that OTHER people appreciate him, but that you re a bitter bunny who poisoned his kids against him but he can t be that bad if the OW s D is smiling in pictures with him. Impression management.

I m sorry to be blunt but what the OW is doing to her daughter is just as bad as what your ex has done (is doing) to your kids. I m so proud of your D20, on your behalf.


Super excited for you to be moving forward on the teaching abroad gig I envy you having new learning to take on.

I would not have agreed to the tax thing. Just my two cents. But I hope it resolves successfully.

It makes sense that you would want to be married or committed again. It makes sense married is your default state at this point. I m reading a book about romantic attachment styles and the first point it makes is that ALL HUMANS need a partnership. It s in our genes. But some of us have dysfunctional attachment styles that cause our relationships to short circuit, even when we sincerely love someone. I believe your ex loved you as best as his dysfunctional attachment style would permit, and that my ex did too. I actually think they still do and that s the reason for the crazy behavior. But that doesnt mean it s healthy for us to be attached to people who can t function in a relationship.

I think I m mostly at peace with my divorce (but not 100 percent). I still get mad at Mr. Fantastic for making such destructive choices. I m disgusted with his lazy parenting (if you can even really call it that). He has gone so far downhill since our divorce, in so many stupid ways, that I m kind of grateful to be away from his crazy. But I also feel really sad for the waste of it all, including the waste of so many of his good qualities. The best I can hope is to kind of make up for it with how I manage my life.

I m proud of you for trying to reframe your opportunity to have your grand adventure. I can t wait to hear more about it as you report from overseas (right )

HUGS, 25.


MAYBELL

If you happen to read here I have restored your post - PLEASE stop using contractions with the associated symbol it is what is causing your posts to blank out - Thanks - CADET


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: 25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 [Re: Cadet] #2789267
05/10/18 03:20 AM
05/10/18 03:20 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 932
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NicoleR Offline
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NicoleR  Offline
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Posts: 932
25years,

I will write more ASAP but I'm just wondering is the new wife much younger than you? I saw your post about him being public with her whereas he previously wasn't with you. Perhaps if she's younger he's trying to show off to everyone like "hey look at me with my younger woman!" It seems like that'd fit with his personality.

It's so sad that you spent so many years of your life with someone like that, but I also saw your post about planning to go overseas. That sounds great! If you'd like to teach English then Qatar or Dubai would offer high standards of living. Jordan would be a nice place to help refugees while staying safe and having access to good quality medical care. In the past when I've had problems and gone overseas I found the distance helped a lot. I likely would have asked my husband to agree to me taking our daughter to go overseas now for a few years if I didn't have health problems that required me to stay for the time being.

It sounds like you have exciting times ahead!

Re: 25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 [Re: NicoleR] #2789310
05/10/18 06:29 AM
05/10/18 06:29 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline
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Thank you Cadet. I will avoid contractions. And I guess everything that is not a period. I notice the question marks had to go as well.

Happy Mothers Day 25.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: 25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 [Re: Maybell] #2789323
05/10/18 07:05 AM
05/10/18 07:05 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,067
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Steve85 Offline
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"His dad is on his 4th marriage and considers himself a good father...and I imagine a good h. There are disturbing similarities and when x's bff pointed that out, x totally missed the reference."

It always amazes me the number of people that miss their own shortcomings. I have to believe that if I was 3 times divorced I might look at myself in the mirror and go "am I the problem?" Yet so many of these people are oblivious. 1 D, okay maybe you were a decent spouse and the other spouse flaked out. 2 Ds? Okay maybe I got unlucky twice. 3 Ds? Okay I have to start to think I am doing it wrong.

So much easier to blame everyone else I guess.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: 25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2789394
05/10/18 07:12 PM
05/10/18 07:12 PM
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Amazona Offline
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Posts: 15
I am hoping that one day, FB will go down to where it should belong.
It has become a platform of destroying families and hurting children.
When my husband's OW blatantly posted their picture on FB, I was appalled at the guts, shameless.
Even though my children are teenagers, I did not let them have any FB account so they are not aware of that picture.
I successfully pressured the OW to remove the picture, not sure though if OW deactivated or just made the account private.

How I wished I can meet you when you are in California.
The best liberating thing to do is when you are surrounded by friends who are in the same boat as you are.

Please do so.
It will shorten your grief and move on and give you the tools to grow through divorce and not be bitter about it.
When you can talk about your X without any bitterness, then that is the time that you are truly free.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18)

Last edited by Cadet; 05/10/18 10:35 PM. Reason: per TOS outside links not allowed
Re: 25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10 [Re: Amazona] #2790683
05/17/18 04:15 AM
05/17/18 04:15 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline OP
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25yearsmlc  Offline OP
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Thanks all, I'm back east now.

The Mother's Day trip was very lovingly planned by S31 and d28 and S's partner, (whom I think he will marry - and with my total support!) So I'll refer to her as Sgf ?? Anyhow, she helped compensate for me missing d20 (who is back east in college, taking finals.)

Sort of Felt like I had all my chicks with me and they took me to a Mother's Day "Mom's Only Comics" combined (hilariously) with a whiskey tasting.


What could be better than funny mothers and drinking???
No, I did not go up on stage - I was a happy audience member.

Sgf manages comedians (talk about a great job!) and we got great seats and all the comics came up to suck up to us and I just had a grand time.


The not so hot part was that my kids showed me a letter H sent "the children" around his wedding time.

After 19 months of not reaching out meaningfully (as far as I know), their dad sent them a group email.

You would THINK he'd (after blaming me for the divorce or whatever) eventually apologize for his failings as a dad - and what he missed out on, being gone SO MUCH in their childhoods. He could have blamed it on his hard work but at least own some infliction of pain.

I know, I know, too much to hope for, right?

INSTEAD he sent out the weirdest mean letter to THEM...and owned nothing.

First he blames me for the divorce (while explaining why he divorced me , which is just factually untrue as I filed and we ML that morning and only after I saw that I was blocked from our accounts, did I file)

Then Says HE got screwed in the divorce and that HIS lawyer agrees (sounds like an invitation to sue the L for malpractice) so NOW x must work very hard...as HIS life savings were nearly wiped out...(um, okay that made me laugh)

AND HE was NEVER UNFAITHFUL to me...(he just keeps saying it over & over like he believes it, and I have ugly proof of it - and OW/Wife is not his first...)

and THEN he stresses how much he loves his new wife and HER Daughter...(super easy for me to hear, and WHY SAY IT TO THEM??)

It's hurtful to the kids, what an idiot- I believe he is officially missing the gene for empathy - at least for his first family.

He says kids "should never have been dragged into the divorce" ****as if HIS choices played no role in that.

HE left me impaired, stumbling and forgetful after a 6 day neuro stay in the hospital. S31 drove up 4 hours the next morning when he realized I was alone in the home, and that my x, the MD did that...

ANYWAY after the gaslighting blame shifting, which I admit I expected...the letter to the kids


He lists HIS requirements of OUR children - to have a relationship with HIM.


I kid you not - that's what the kids were most amazed by, I think. Like, not the reverse, but HIS requirements of them...OMG...

1) They must Not bring up the past

(no wonder the kids were not invited to the wedding. The truth hurts his narrative)


2) They MUST treat him with respect - as he deserves it...with his hard work and all the events he DID attend - often driving home for weekends "even speeding at times"

(why'd you decide unilaterally to live away during the week at all, moron??? OMG)

and he was "there for all the big events AND even the mundane"....

(yes, that "even for the mundane" is a great line that hit my kids in the face like a slap. So did the bold lie that he missed nothing. What type of amnesia is this??)

okay

3) They MUST treat his new wife AND HER daughter with "double that respect - or he is done"


and my personal favorite line "OW/Wife and HER D15, have been through a lot."


So if the kids ever bring up the past or are disrespectful (not sure what defines that) to him OR in any way to his new family, he is "done."

Signs it,

"I'll love you forever, Dad."

Wow...ouch for the kids (and me, to be honest. )

If he were interested in what OUR children have been through the past 18 months, (anyone recall how d20 got assaulted, jailed, eventually freed with charges dismissed and at great legal expense??? Anyone? That was superfun and not traumatic at all - x does not know...
OH
and how he cut off her tuition and only b/c of S31 did her school give her a great aid package, and that she had been suicidal that summer for real??

I suspect the truth would overwhelm him

or he'd just avoid it, again, and again, forever...


Here is what I suspect going forward.

There will never be an apology of any sort to me. I will not spend a minute waiting for one.
The only "karma" for me is in living well. If OW/Wife knew the truth and married him anyway, then his karma is their choosing each other. If she did not, then his new m is based on a dishonest narrative. That poor OW kid...


There will never be an apology to our children , or if there is, like on his deathbed, it'll be a flippant minimizing one.

He will go down with the ship of his rightness and there is nothing I can do about that, but remind myself to be the sane parent.

The lighthouse.

NOT a lighthouse FOR X,

but for our children.

I was wrong to pretend that what h showed them was love. I hoped it was, convincing myself of it for the longest time.

Maybell, in his weird disordered way I think he did love them. But what does it say about love if it means, as it does to my d28, abandonment? She is suffering a lot b/c she seems to pursue people who are not really available to her. And I can see why...

NOW,

I think that letter was 1) an opportunity for him to show his NEW family how loyal he is, (and he's not loyal when it is hard, which is how loyalty is tested).

It's a letter he would never have showed the people in HIS circles for ME or our children,

who said words unflattering to me or about gays like our d20. He never defended us if it might cost HIM.

His childhood Vietnam vet friend/hero - who came on to me heavily and with great disrespect to x, which I did not quite understand - x would never defend me so I had to avoid that "Friend/hero" of x's. And I felt sort of guilty for that nuts behavior as if I had caused it, or hurt x by mentioning it at all.

so NOW he's Mr Loyal....and

I fear he is looking for an excuse to ditch the kids permanently. God, I hope I'm wrong.

That's my fear.

AND OR

That the only way they are to relate to him is the way he relates to HIS father, whom he deeply resented for the poor treatment of his mom, but to whom x has never said a word.

either b/c of his own daddy issues AND OR b/c his father is now quite wealthy.

My kids are overtly hurt by the letter. They expressed their pain to me and it was hard to see.

S31 is, at this point, going no contact. Wants "that poison out of him" and feels the negative self esteem issues he struggles with, are from x. I can't argue much with that, just support the good healthy things about my son, and he's a wonderful talented smart handsome hilarious creative man, who loves his gf and sisters and mama,(he was a favorite of my late mother and she was quite clear about it!)

What else is there to say? (I'm totally objective too).

D28 is a wounded artistic soul, whom I just want to hug all the time. God I love that young woman with such a sensitive soul and I feel a sadness and at times, rage at x for inflicting so much pain on our children,

and owning none of it. And then inflicting more b/c he is AGAIN choosing a place, job or person over our children. How many ways can he reject them?

D20 I will see next weekend and hope for the best. I'm driving 8 hours (on Memorial Day that might be 10 hours) and bringing my (her) dog up with me per D20s PLEAS to bring dog.

I need to explain, our dog is NOT a "strong traveler", and will need meds and lots of stops. I almost want to bring M to help out, but that's not really a great plan b/c I need mom d20 time.


When one parent hurts a child, what does the other parent do?

I let x hurt them before and I enabled it, for which I apologize repeatedly. I don't want to warp the meaning of commitment and loyalty and love,

but by enabling x to behave as he did, I share a part of this.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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