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A Message from Michele
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Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Clyde] #2797790
06/25/18 12:10 PM
06/25/18 12:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,425
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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C,

In any type of relationship you are in if a person is not meeting your needs and expectations you lovingly communicate to the what those needs and expectations are for you. They can either accept your terms or negotiate their own terms or say no to your terms.

If they say no you must be willing to end the relationship. Are you ready to walk and never look back until your terms are agreed to?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: LH19] #2797820
06/25/18 04:04 PM
06/25/18 04:04 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
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Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Clyde

Only you know where you truly are

We hear bits and pieces of wha you share

The anger and frustration are healthy

And most of us need to really feel that to detach

Yes you can say I am done living like this with you

But only if you really mean it and are willing to end it

Read the part on ultimatums

They are not for the unsure or faint of heart

Have you exhausted all the other options

It really is only for after the LRT

When you are really done


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Gordie] #2798107
06/27/18 02:16 AM
06/27/18 02:16 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline
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Quote:
I am so over all the ups downs, not being able to be myself, that today I feel like ending it, I m fed up w her BS, If not ending it, I feel like telling her this is how it is going to be or I m done.


What is the point of this?
From where i sit you ve already told her many times what you want and she ignores you.

Is this what you d want for your kids?
What exactly do you think you have to work with here?

Honestly, after everything she s done I can t imagine any scenario in which you d consider her trustworthy ever again.

Last edited by Cadet; 06/27/18 05:07 AM. Reason: restored post

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Maybell] #2798143
06/27/18 05:11 AM
06/27/18 05:11 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
C
Clyde Offline OP
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Clyde  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
I hit my limit, I feel a tremendous amount of pain for my kids, it is the only thing that has me doubting my actions... this a.m. I told her she needs to leave asap. I'm in contact with my L.


I'll post more later when I get a moment. A lot has unfolded in the last two days.

Please keep my kids in your thoughts and prayers DB world.


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Clyde] #2798263
06/27/18 12:42 PM
06/27/18 12:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
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Clyde Offline OP
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Clyde  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
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W starts to taper back her pursuit, guess she figured I was back on the hook, at the same time 2 of the 4 nights she works she came home later than usual, as I stated earlier, I suspect she went to a bar after work, however without asking why she was so late, she made it a point to say she was working late.

The night after her late night out we are sitting on the couch, she cozys up to me, after a minute I caressed her inner thigh, she moves my hand away and coldly says I'm not in the mood, my response, "gosh, doesn't look like you are even willing to see if you can get in the mood." I drop it at that point as it was already too much pursuit on my behalf, I don't let it get to me.

She later comes to bed but does not touch me, no cuddles etc. It's like she was waiting for me to do so. I don't let on that I am even noticing.

I had been waiting on having the convo about fins, along with boundaries being crossed, etc...

M: What do you expect/want out of this M?
W: Are you serious, we've been having a great 2 weeks, this is all cause you aren't getting laid tonight.
M: Yeah the last 2 weeks have been nice on the surface, but we have several issues that developed in the last 2 months that are still festering, waiting to re-emerge. I bring it up now because we are not angry/arguing w/ one another, I thought maybe we'd have a better chance at getting to the bottom of it if we were not already arguing. No it has nothing to do with me not getting laid, that being said your response to my advance was poor, if I did that to you, it would upset you.
W: I'm sure if you got laid we would be cuddling right now.
M: No, as a matter of fact I've been battling with wether or not to have this convo, knowing that it was likely not going to go anywhere good. I'm already thinking I should have kept my mouth shut, I guess somewhere in the last two weeks I started having hopes for us again. Bottom line, I think it is pretty clear we are not on a good path to a lasting R. If you are not willing to hear my concerns that says a lot.

Fast forward...

M: I believe you want this to work, but something is in the way and I can not figure it out... I get some things take time, but can you tell me things half as good as they were 3-4 years ago?
W: things changed 2 years ago on the back patio.
M: There you go, we're getting somewhere...

(She is referring to the tree house argument, a quick recap: I had been working 100 weeks for 6 months... W encouraged me to do so, it was also around this time that I first started to feel unappreciated by my W. I decided to take a day off and build a tree house for D13, W says no. I ask why, she says if I'm going to take the day off I should be doing other projects around the house. I explain to her that I can only take one day off, other projects require more than one day - I can bump the tree house out in one day... besides the other projects are "work" and I need a break, the treehouse sounds like fun. W says "I'm tired of living in a $hit hole, I'm embarrassed of our house." (Our house is actually nice, yeah as a contractor I have some ongoing projects waiting to be completed). Anyhow that comment along w/ feeling unappreciated prior, hit a nerve. I responded, "I'm done busting my ass, I'm going to finish these contracts, and when I do, I'm going to be a SAHF, you can go be the breadwinner!" That started a several week no communication period, we finally went to MC, and seemed to have recovered.)

Got to go for now... I'll continue asap.


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Clyde] #2798279
06/27/18 02:02 PM
06/27/18 02:02 PM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
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Clyde Offline OP
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Clyde  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
M: So you are telling me you are still holding on to something that happened 2 years ago?
W: Well it happened
M: To the point I was making, you are holding resentment towards me... and beyond that, my comment was a reaction to something you said that hurt me, not only did I forgive you for what you said, I have told you many times that I could have handled my response better. Your resentment/bitterness towards me shows, it's that block that I have not been able to put my finger on.
W: I'm not bitter, I live in the moment.
M: You just said otherwise.
W: Well there is other things too, like when you brought that guitar.

(2 years ago I brought myself a guitar, I pulled a quick job over 2 nights to pay for it. The notion to do so was spawned from feeling unappreciated... realizing I have done nothing for myself since I met my W, yet always spoiled her. Anyhow she asked me how much it was, I told not to worry about it, I'm doing an extra job to cover it. I realize and have acknowledged to her that was not the best way to handle it. At the moment I justified the comment by her lack of appreciation.)

M: What have I ever brought for myself, I told you I should of communicated the purchase with you better, but yet you still bring up that guitar nearly every argument we have. I would think you would be happy I finally did something for myself.
W: I am happy you did that.
M: Then why do you b!tch about it every chance you get.
W: You just brought a mountain bike.
M: Yeah, after I sold a more expensive one, putting the extra money into the house.

I bring up several examples where I feel her bitterness has reared its head.

I bring up the jerky...
W: I did you a favor, tiu should not be eating it that much.
M: BS, that was not your intent, but since we are talking about excess consumption, you have been drinking way to much, you need to kick back. (She has not had a drink since...?????? Last night and tonight, she usually has at least one, but recently it's been excessive).
A few minutes of silence.

M: I want to talk about last month when you went out w/ your "sister" and blew me off.
W: Oh god here we go again, you know what I want, I want a manly man, who is secure enough to trust me out...
M: Really, I'm not even going to go into the trust you mentioned... you say you want a manly man?
W: Yup
M: Well here you go sweetheart, here's your manly man, GET THE F@CK OUT!!! I'm done with your $h!t, you have no respect for me, you have mistaken my kindness for weakness, you have mistaken my willingness to do anything to keep our family together as ignorance. I'm done!!!

Silence, I get up and go to the bathroom. When I come back she is posted up on the couch, looked like she was going to sleep out there, (last BD I asked her several times to come back to the Mbed, even after arguing, I think she thought I might do just that), I did not say anything about her being on the couch, she came to bed a few hours later.

I'm still kicking around my harsh response to her manly man comment, I don't feel bad as if yet.


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Clyde] #2798282
06/27/18 02:13 PM
06/27/18 02:13 PM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
C
Clyde Offline OP
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Clyde  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
This a.m. I confirmed her work hours via a hand written memo she had logging her hours.

As I suspected, she was going somewhere after work. I woke her up before I left for work...

M: We need to discuss something.
W: What
M: the other night you told me you were working late, what did you really do.
W: I was working.
M: bs, I know exactly where you were.
W: I was at work.
M: I know exactly when you got off, I also now you were at a bar.
W: so I went to the bar w/ a girl from work
M: why did you have to lie about it, you know I wait up for you, you could of called and said you were going to get a drink.
W: you don't trust me, you would of told me not to go.
M: I don't trust you cause of how much you lie, and it's never failed, every time you have ended up in a bar there has been a lie associated with it. You need to go, did you look for an apartment yesterday?
W: no
M: you need to today.


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Clyde] #2798322
06/28/18 12:00 AM
06/28/18 12:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,083
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Posts: 6,083
Clyde, just a question. To see how your W might be thinking. But what I have found is that when my W is critical of my purchases it is because I have been critical of hers.

Do you nitpick her spending? If yes then that is an opportunity for a 180. If not, then yes she is being unfair.

Prior to BD I was always harping on how much my W would spend. She is notoriously an unfrugal shopper. I just told in my thread how last week she went to get snacks, breakfast and energy bar types, so that we'd have those as we are preparing to sell our house and move. She came home with upwards of 20 boxes of bars. In the past I would have criticized this as excessive. But in the big scheme of things it isn't that big of a deal.

Now, when I've bought a new gun or something else for my hunting, she would hold resentment like your W over the guitar. But it wasn't necessarily the purchase I made as much as it was the fact that I nitpicked her buying 3 boxes of cereal and then went and made a major purchase.

Anyway, in general I think you are doing the right thing. She tried to play the "a manly man would let me do what I want" card, and you called her on it. I would advise to remain calm when doing so. Keeping emotion out of it has a bigger impact.

"You think I should be more manly? Well, I think being manly is not putting up with deceit and lies. I would like you to move out until you can respect me enough to try to earn my trust back."


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Steve85] #2798330
06/28/18 12:21 AM
06/28/18 12:21 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
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Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Posts: 2,585
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Okay Clyde

You dropped your own bomb

What do you want now

You cannot control her

Your words will not make her come back

If she constantly lies to you not sure why you keep trying to talk to her

Do not tell me what you will say or what you want her to do

Tell me what Clyde will do

Actions speak louder than words

And yes she uses sex to manipulate you

Funny thing is you both openly talk about it


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Gordie] #2798577
06/29/18 12:13 AM
06/29/18 12:13 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline
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Maybell  Offline
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Posts: 3,500
Why do you think that just because her car did not move that she did not move?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Page 8 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

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