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Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Clyde] #2796066
06/14/18 11:14 PM
06/14/18 11:14 PM
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Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Clyde

I feel like you are still in the L B S fog

Re read what you wrote and what she has done to you

She treats you like shoot

And then you expect her to buy you beef jerky and sandals

Stop stop stop

You expect her to treat you like a H

Instead she treats you like a criminal

I think I said befoe

You need a L to advise you before you wind up in jail

Or divorced with nocustody and financial support of w for life

Look for one who specializes in paternity rights

She has a team of sister and paralegal hatching plots against you

Who is on team Clyde advising you

You are not clear headed now and need help

And please stop treating her like a w

You can treat her like a w again some day if she starts treating you like a h

But that time is not now


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Gordie] #2796079
06/15/18 12:40 AM
06/15/18 12:40 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline
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GET A LAWYER. Just as Gordie said. Protect yourself. Consider telling the sisters husband what she is up to so he can protect himself. You call him a B!tch, but he does not know what is going on. You do, and you are still standing for it. Who is the B!tch?

And frankly, if she will not go, I would consider packing up the kids and leaving yourself. You are in danger.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Maybell] #2796089
06/15/18 01:24 AM
06/15/18 01:24 AM
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Posts: 7,581
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AnotherStander Offline
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Clyde, I'm trying to catch up, have been buried at work recently.

You asked what about your behavior made me think you are being passive/aggressive. It's the inconsistency in your behavior towards her. Going back to the massages, you give her foot massages expecting a massage in return, you don't get it so you withdraw your massages and give her the cold shoulder. That's very passive/aggressive and NGS. And it's not just the massages, you are constantly trying to do things for her and then withdraw those things as "punishment" when she doesn't give you what you want. But then you turn around and try a different favor, but while you think you are doing something different you are not, it's more of the same.

And IT'S NOT WORKING. Here is the thing- SHE IS 100% CONSISTENT. She is DONE. You have got to get that through your head, Her behavior ALL says she is done with the M. So why do you keep having these expectations that she will behave like a W? Your first step to recovery is realizing you are not married anymore except on some piece of paper somewhere. You and your W no longer function as a married couple. That ship has sailed. So what does that mean going forward, how do you change and adapt with the consideration that you are no longer married.

Here's what you need to figure out- how are you going to pull yourself out of this financial mess you are in WITHOUT W. Quit counting on her to pitch in, she's already told you that's not going to happen. So gather yourself up and figure it out. Sell the house if you have to. I don't understand your explanation that you can't sell it because the shop is there and it'll cost you as much elsewhere, if you are not paying your mortgage and you get foreclosed on then whatever equity you have in the home is GONE. I know it's not as simple as snapping your fingers, but I'm just saying you've got to have a plan and work on that plan. If you have to stay in the house then figure out how to increase your income, again, WITHOUT your W. This stuff isn't going to fix itself and it's not going to just go away, YOU have to do ALL the work. So steel yourself, develop a plan, work on that plan.

You said your bills went way up when W came back, well then have her pony up or get the hell out. You're afraid she might call the police? LET HER CALL THEM. What happened last time, they told HER to leave. What are you afraid of? Your W has ALREADY done her worst and it all just backfired on her. Quit living in fear and take control.

The irony is, if you do that then that may very well attract her back to you.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Gordie] #2796199
06/15/18 10:13 AM
06/15/18 10:13 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
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Clyde Offline OP
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Clyde  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2017
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Gordie

Originally Posted By: Gordie
Clyde

I feel like you are still in the L B S fog

Re read what you wrote and what she has done to you

She treats you like shoot

And then you expect her to buy you beef jerky and sandals

Stop stop stop

You expect her to treat you like a H


I can't argue with what you are saying about how she is treating me. I do think I am coming out of the fog though... I am done w/ her $h!t. I almost did not post about the jerky and sandals as I did not want to sound pathetic... but like I said, being able to go back and read my previous post helped in clearing that fog if you will.


Originally Posted By: Gordie

Instead she treats you like a criminal

I think I said befoe

You need a L to advise you before you wind up in jail

Or divorced with nocustody and financial support of w for life

Look for one who specializes in paternity rights

She has a team of sister and paralegal hatching plots against you

Who is on team Clyde advising you

You are not clear headed now and need help


I have a really good L, I still have a good amount of the original retainer left w/ him, so it is somewhat reassuring.

At his point there is little I can do other than kick her out via a letter from the L, and then I have to give her 30 days to leave, at witch point she can still start her antics. I feel that is what she wants/expects, doing so will justify her antics. I really feel as though I am taking the best approach (LRT), if nothing else, it buys me some time to see if there is a more amicable way to go our separate ways. One thing is for sure though, during this time she will help w/ the bills... no more free rides!

From what I have seen in the last few days, she thinks this will all roll over, its all a power play that she thinks she is certain to win given my actions the last 18 months. 2 nights ago she comes out and starts doing yoga in front of me, she was wearing very revealing shorts, at times her stretches made it to were she was touching me, while I could see her out of my peripheral, I made sure I did not even glance at her, I know she was trying to get me to come on to her... and then bam! - everything gets swept under the rug, we have a few nights of passionate sex to make sure it is far far under the rug, then she goes back to being selfish. When she was done doing yoga she even gave herself a foot massage, I am certain she thought I was going say "Hey let me do that for you."

I am really interested to see how she responds to LRT/me letting go. I am looking forward to getting my dignity back!


Originally Posted By: Gordie
And please stop treating her like a w

You can treat her like a w again some day if she starts treating you like a h

But that time is not now
I agree 100%, (even though I had to figure it out the hard way)


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Maybell] #2796205
06/15/18 10:58 AM
06/15/18 10:58 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
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Clyde Offline OP
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Clyde  Offline OP
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San Diego
Originally Posted By: Maybell
GET A LAWYER. Just as Gordie said. Protect yourself. Consider telling the sisters husband what she is up to so he can protect himself. You call him a B!tch, but he does not know what is going on. You do, and you are still standing for it. Who is the B!tch?


I reached out to him, when he did not answer my phone calls I text him...

"Hey _______, this is Clyde. We should really get together and talk, there is a lot of things you should know about, if you have any doubts about what I have to tell you, I am more than willing to take a polygraph, I'll even pay for it".

He never responded.

I knew when I called him a b!tch I was opening myself up for the same criticism, that is a well deserved 2x4. Not to diminish how I have acted in the last 18 months, but I am going to say the he is much more of a b!tch, my actions came about after BD, this guy puts up w/ them since day one, he may not know about all the affairs, but he is talked down to an publicly humiliated an a regular basis, and the person doing it is the same person giving my W advice... anyhow, thats out of my control, dwelling on it is not going to help let go.

Originally Posted By: Maybell
And frankly, if she will not go, I would consider packing up the kids and leaving yourself. You are in danger.


I am rolling the dice as far as the danger part goes... my W was able to lie and get the TRO, however she got her but kicked in every court proceeding, I think it was a wake up call to her and will be in the back of her head if her mind goes there. I'll touch some more why I do not want to leave the house below.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Sell the house if you have to. I don't understand your explanation that you can't sell it because the shop is there and it'll cost you as much elsewhere, if you are not paying your mortgage and you get foreclosed


AS & Maybell... My mortgage is 2k a month, in this area you can not even rent a 3 bedroom apartment for that, on top of that I have my shop on the property... to rent a shop would cost an additional $1500.

Being able to work on the property is very valuable to me, as a single father I was still able to get some work done when the kids were w/ me, it increases the amount of time I see the family.

During the original court proceedings the W agreed to leave if I gave her a large sum of money, I did just that. Her ability to get the most amount of $ for support relates to me keeping the house (shop rent comes out of profits). I owned this house before we got together, currently there is no equity in it. So I hope that sheds some light on the house sitch.

The mortgage is now current.


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Clyde] #2796206
06/15/18 11:01 AM
06/15/18 11:01 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
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Clyde Offline OP
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Clyde  Offline OP
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San Diego
AS,

I gotta go for the night, taking my dad to a concert for fathers day, before that I got to wear the kiddos out w/ a mountain bike ride so that they are nice and mellow as my mom watches them.

I will respond to your post asap... thanks


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Clyde] #2796349
06/17/18 12:07 AM
06/17/18 12:07 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
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Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Gordie] #2796350
06/17/18 12:08 AM
06/17/18 12:08 AM
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Gordie Offline
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Congratulations on getting the mortgage current

Happy father s day

Hope you do something special


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: Gordie] #2796353
06/17/18 12:48 AM
06/17/18 12:48 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,223
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Ginger1 Offline
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I will agree, Clyde, you put yourself back in this situation. You took her back very easily after what you went through. So now, yes, you do have to work with the situation you are currently in.

My advice to you: Do not treat her as a wife, and do not expect her to treat you as a husband. That means, no touching her at all (the foot rubs, seriously have to go) let her tease you with her yoga stuff. I cannot imagine you find anything attractive about her right now. She has made herself quite ugly. A little pair of yoga booty shorts shouldn't wash away that ugliness.

Do not hand her a dime. Do not make her a meal. Take nothing form her and give her nothing.

You are in danger. She is not above doing anything she needs to to get what she wants. You have experienced that first hand.

I understand your predicament with the house. I also live in a very very expensive area of this country. But, you need to divorce her to protect yourself. Do it legally the right way before she takes anymore from you or tries to pull another RO on you.

I feel for you. You seem like a loving father and a loving husband who was just trying to do right by his family. She is just awful.

Happy father's day. Enjoy it with your kids.

Re: Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind??? [Re: AnotherStander] #2797158
06/21/18 09:46 AM
06/21/18 09:46 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 136
San Diego
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Clyde Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

You asked what about your behavior made me think you are being passive/aggressive. It's the inconsistency in your behavior towards her. Going back to the massages, you give her foot massages expecting a massage in return, you don't get it so you withdraw your massages and give her the cold shoulder. That's very passive/aggressive and NGS. And it's not just the massages, you are constantly trying to do things for her and then withdraw those things as "punishment" when she doesn't give you what you want. But then you turn around and try a different favor, but while you think you are doing something different you are not, it's more of the same.


I have struggled with this, hence my reasoning to re-read NMMNG, in the book the author refers to it as covert contracts. I stopped giving her foot massages, bringing her flowers/wine about 2 months ago, other than the one to two times she has straight asked for a massage. Up to that point I was petty consistent on giving even though it was not being reciprocated. I did so for two reasons, first being what you just stated, and what I had read about(covert contracts), and that I did not want to punish her or have her feel like the only reason I was doing it was in hopes of getting something in return. The second being that I have no desire to be in a selfish M, prior to the W's MLC/BD, everything was very reciprocal, I know see that in our M post reconcile, I was being too optimistic, putting too much stock in our M, not being patient enough - thinking our M would just pick up where we left off when things were good. So not only was I being very giving towards her, I was trying to step it up even more than when things were good (pre MLC/BD). This did not sow favorable results, and I can't disagree w/ what many of you are saying... that this is not a M, that I should not treat her like a W until she treats me like a H.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
And IT'S NOT WORKING. Here is the thing- SHE IS 100% CONSISTENT. She is DONE. You have got to get that through your head, Her behavior ALL says she is done with the M. So why do you keep having these expectations that she will behave like a W? Your first step to recovery is realizing you are not married anymore except on some piece of paper somewhere. You and your W no longer function as a married couple. That ship has sailed. So what does that mean going forward, how do you change and adapt with the consideration that you are no longer married.


So the last 4+ weeks our interactions, communications have been minimal at my doing, we had the one night of what seemed like we were coming together, only to have the next day bring another road block via her actions. Over those 4 weeks I battled with where I was - over it, standing, angry, exhausted, disillusioned... any how, in the past 2 weeks I kinda shifted away from being over it, to just being aware of what it really is if you will - (is that just another way to say I have surrendered the notion I have any control of how this M will end up?), this helped me to be more cordial towards her, I did not initiate any convos, said hi/bye, good night, (NO ILY), at one point I kinda realized I was doing LRT, and decided to try and follow LRT guidelines and Sandi's rules. With the exception of a day or two after the argument we had about the "sister", the W has been very nice & talkative to me, in the last 2 weeks I'd been trying to figure out if she was pursing or not, if not for the jerky/sandals incident it definitely seemed that was the case (as a matter of fact I have to wonder if the jerky/sandals incident was not in response towards me not responding to her come ons to me). Anyhow in the past 4-5 days she has aggressively pursued me.

I been trying to walk that line, it got complicated the other night. We were laying in bed watching TV, she reached over and grabbed my hand and started to give me a hand/arm massage... she got very sensual wile doing so. Next thing I know she is jumping my bones w/ a passion I have not seen since pre BD, as much as I just wanted to enjoy it for what it was, it is probably needless to say I had a lot on my mind, first being - am I tossing out the last weeks of LRT, is this going to be a rug sweeping etc...

Anyhow, afterwards we are both laying there. I realize she is crying (she doing her best to hide it, even denies it at first). I ask her what is wrong, she says nothing, she finally opens up:

W: I feel like you are not in to me. I don't think you are attracted to me anymore, I have really been questioning if you might be seeing someone else.
M: Thats some heavy emotions, it can't be easy to feel that way... I know, because I have been feeling the same way for the past 18 months.
W: I am really trying, I just put myself out there, I did every possible thing I could think of to turn you on, and yet it seems like you are not into it.
M: I could see and feel how passionate you were, and as turned on by all of it as I was, I have so much going through my head as far as our M goes, I do not know that I can be 100% into it w/ all the factors lingering in my head.
W: But you are a guy, guys don't think like that.
M: Well I do............. We have had our ups and downs over the past 7 months, but this past month has been very discouraging for me, I feel like there has been some lines drawn in the sand that make it impossible to have a healthy M.

She is still crying.

M: Thanks for opening up too me, I was completely unaware you felt that way, do now this, I still think you are the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen, but at the same time I am battling w/ the thought this M may not work, I still hold hope we will figure it out.

We lay there for a few minutes, she then says goodnight, I say goodnight back, (neither of us say ILY) about 2 minutes later the W says ILY (its like she was waiting for me to initiate it) I say ILY back.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Here's what you need to figure out- how are you going to pull yourself out of this financial mess you are in WITHOUT W. Quit counting on her to pitch in, she's already told you that's not going to happen. So gather yourself up and figure it out.


Usually I can carry the whole household on my own.

The sitch I was in is rare, several things contributed to it. First being, I usually have back up cash for these instances, any nest egg was spent on the lawyer, the cash I gave the W to leave etc., to compound that, I have been trying to keep regular works hours, and that has narrowed the jobs I can take on. Third, I had 3 contracts get delayed all in a row, (delayed - not suspended) - so here is the irony, its looking like all three of those jobs are going to now over lap if not happen simultaneously, I'm going to be busy as heck for 2-3 months, but I should also take home a fairly impressive payday if done right. Back to the irony... the W has now set the precedence that her money is hers, therefore this money will be mine, she's banking I will be NG when it comes to her financial needs/deficets.


Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
You said your bills went way up when W came back, well then have her pony up or get the hell out. You're afraid she might call the police? LET HER CALL THEM. What happened last time, they told HER to leave. What are you afraid of? Your W has ALREADY done her worst and it all just backfired on her. Quit living in fear and take control.


My thought exactly, I have sat down and gone through household expenses, she will need to contribute her fair share if she wants to live here. This is a convo we have yet to have.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
The irony is, if you do that then that may very well attract her back to you.
If the last week is any sign, then yes quite possibly!


The sun still rises, even though the pain.

Married: 10 Together: 17
M:40 W:37
D:13, S 7, S:5
1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17
Separated: 7/26/17
W moved back home: 12/1/17
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