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A Message from Michele
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Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: arsh18] #2788083
05/03/18 12:56 PM
05/03/18 12:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 372
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arsh18 Offline
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arsh18  Offline
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Hi Nicole, just checking in to see you and D are doing ok. Keep us posted, we are always here for you

Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: arsh18] #2789275
05/10/18 03:44 AM
05/10/18 03:44 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
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NicoleR Offline OP
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NicoleR  Offline OP
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Posts: 937
New2Nev, Vanilla, Arsh, Steve - thanks for your responses in the last week or two! I haven't had time to sit down and respond but I hope to do so in the next day or two.

My husband visiting Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. He slept at his parents' house but this time he was in a good mood and spent real quality time with our daughter. He invited me to come out for lunch (I didn't go), came back yesterday with a box of Mother's Day chocolates from our daughter, we took a walk with our daughter holding each of her hands, and after he left yesterday he sent a text saying he's on his way to the airport (he stayed in our place to rest while I took our daughter to a class) and then texted me pictures of our daughter later. On the phone over the past week he also showed some curiosity about what we've been doing and he ended calls with "give me a call if you need anything" which is his old phrase that he used to use when we were away from home and called to check-in.

There's no sign my husband wants to reconcile. Maybe he's just being friendly because the pressure is gone. I stopped all talk of the future and of our marriage months ago and now we live far away so he has the freedom he wished for.

On the other hand, I do consider these updates to be some degree of DB success because a few months ago my husband wanted to "divorce immediately at all costs" and said "I want to divorce you right away so you don't have any hope."

Now he's not talking about divorce at all, not that he's not planning for it later, but the crisis seems to have passed and we seem to be in a different stage now.

I'm still sad a lot but I'm happy to be working again. My career used to be my life before marriage and a child. I'm fortunate at least in the sense that my career is my dream career.

My daughter and I have been busy pretty much every day with events and seeing friends....it's still odd though the comments I receive from various people when I tell them my husband left and we'll likely get divorced. They'll say things like "don't want to divorce now to be free?" Or "don't worry he'll come right back to you as soon as he wakes up." Or "you have better things coming for you..." I don't really know what to say to any of those comments. My mind is still conflicted in many ways.

Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: NicoleR] #2789292
05/10/18 05:14 AM
05/10/18 05:14 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,893
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Just smile and shrug for first one. For the last two just smile and say thank you. No need to respond. Remember, people are likely just trying to make you feel better. They don't really know what to say but feel they need to say something to sooth or comfort or support you. Likely their comments did none of those things for you, but really, would anything anybody could say?

So don't focus much on other people and what they say, you are doing fine. Your H may come around one day, and if you are still open to R then you potentially could have the opportunity you so strongly seem to want. Or he may never. There are no guarantees, as you are well aware.

Conflicted mind. Well put. During my sitch I would vacillate between holding on to her for dear life and kicking her to the curb so fast her head would spin. In the end I would always fall back on my principles: 1) As a Christan H I am to love my wife as Christ loves the church. The church doesn't always do what Christ would want, but he STILL loves her. 2) Divorce is morally wrong except in the case of physical infidelity. 3) The best way for my daughter to remain a faithful Christian is to have her parent's marriage intact.

These principles drove all of my decisions. Anything I could do that stuck to those three principles, regardless of what my heart and/or mind was telling me at the moment, I should do.

So find your principles again Nicole and stick to them. Don't compromise on what is core to you for anyone. Or anything.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: NicoleR] #2789396
05/10/18 07:37 PM
05/10/18 07:37 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
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Amazona Offline
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Dear Nicole,

Good luck!
You are not alone and remember, this too shall pass...

Last edited by Cadet; 05/10/18 10:34 PM. Reason: per TOS outside links not allowed
Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: NicoleR] #2789424
05/11/18 01:25 AM
05/11/18 01:25 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 110
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Caz49 Offline
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Hi Nicole,

This sounds encouraging, even if it just leads to civility between the two of you...that has to be a lot better than how it was in the past.

It will also make it a much nicer environment for your daughter. Just keep the lines of communication open, but be level headed about it. H seems to bounce around emotionally, so try not to get caught up in his emotions.

Your life is forging ahead in a good way...be proud of yourself.


Me 50 H 48
S 23 S 21 D 19
Together 31 years
Married 25 years
Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010
Separated September 2017
Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: NicoleR] #2789432
05/11/18 01:47 AM
05/11/18 01:47 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,980
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted By: NicoleR
On the phone over the past week he also showed some curiosity about what we've been doing and he ended calls with "give me a call if you need anything" which is his old phrase that he used to use when we were away from home and called to check-in.


Sounds like a little bit of a temperature check there. That's good, it sounds like you're doing a great job of DB'ing and now he's starting to wonder why you're no longer pursuing!

Quote:
There's no sign my husband wants to reconcile. Maybe he's just being friendly because the pressure is gone. I stopped all talk of the future and of our marriage months ago and now we live far away so he has the freedom he wished for.

On the other hand, I do consider these updates to be some degree of DB success because a few months ago my husband wanted to "divorce immediately at all costs" and said "I want to divorce you right away so you don't have any hope."

Now he's not talking about divorce at all, not that he's not planning for it later, but the crisis seems to have passed and we seem to be in a different stage now.


I think you're right, he no longer feels pressure from you and that takes away the urgency of pursuing D. And I do agree with you that THAT is progress! DB'ing is all about baby steps, there are rarely any big moves. So celebrate the baby steps!

Quote:
My daughter and I have been busy pretty much every day with events and seeing friends....it's still odd though the comments I receive from various people when I tell them my husband left and we'll likely get divorced. They'll say things like "don't want to divorce now to be free?" Or "don't worry he'll come right back to you as soon as he wakes up." Or "you have better things coming for you..." I don't really know what to say to any of those comments. My mind is still conflicted in many ways.


That's pretty typical. Michele talks about it in DR, people think the best thing for you is to rip the band-aid off but only YOU know what is best for you. If you get tired of them saying that stuff then reply with "I am choosing to stand for my marriage and I would appreciate your support while I'm going through this."


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: AnotherStander] #2789467
05/11/18 03:37 AM
05/11/18 03:37 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,716
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kml Offline
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Any or all of those things may or mar not be true. You likely would be better off divorced from a man who can say he wishes your daughter had never been born. He might try to come back now that you're moving on (but even if he does - usually it's just that he wants to keep you as Plan B, not that he's ready to do the work. If at any point you're inclined to take him back - it should look something like this: he moves back to your city but lives separate. He goes to individual therapy weekly. He stays free of all other women. You don't sleep with him for a year. Tough work but if he's sincere he'd do it. If he can't then you know he's not really sincere and capable of being the man you need him to be).

Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: kml] #2789484
05/11/18 04:34 AM
05/11/18 04:34 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
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Ginger1 Offline
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I've got to be honest, Nicole. I think I might be able to forgive my exH saying he wished I was dead or had never been born, but I do not think I could ever ever forgive him saying he wished his daughter was never born.

those are the words of sociopath.

Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: Ginger1] #2789487
05/11/18 04:56 AM
05/11/18 04:56 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,893
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I've got to be honest, Nicole. I think I might be able to forgive my exH saying he wished I was dead or had never been born, but I do not think I could ever ever forgive him saying he wished his daughter was never born.

those are the words of sociopath.


They were definitely meant to inflict as much pain as possible. I have a tough time, as a father, believing he really meant it. But even just saying it is sociopathic.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Husband gone for second time - 4 [Re: Steve85] #2789490
05/11/18 05:05 AM
05/11/18 05:05 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,835
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Maika Offline
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That is definitely super heart breaking stuff. That comment, no matter what, is absolutely horrific.

The only silver lining in that comment, and what I would take away from it is - he showed his absolute true colors in making that statement. I would take that truth from him and never look back. Forget if he can ever be a good partner to you, he will never be a good parent to your D. And you want good role models for your D and show unconditional love. That's what you do for your kids - he doesn't have it in him.

I am sorry but you should let go of this man and make the best of it for your D. Your D deserves a father who will do anything for her. None of our kids deserve less.


No one is coming to save you!

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