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NicoleR Offline OP
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Hello Everyone,

This is the previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2777318#Post2777318

The situation is basically still the same as the title suggests. My husband and I have been married for ten years and have a four year old daughter. He left 2.5 years ago for another woman and because he wasn't happy, returned after eight weeks begging to come home and to work everything out, but then we didn't work things out and he's been gone again since September 2017. He's also Middle Eastern and came to the US when we got married. My daughter and I moved to a new city two weeks ago nearly 1,000 miles away from my husband. That's where our story stands for now.

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NicoleR Offline OP
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KML, I've been leaving the windows open and the air circulating but it's hard to know whether the allergies are from indoors or outdoors due to pollen (or both). No one else in this building seems to have issues but my daughter is sneezing a lot too so I guess we need to see how it goes in the next few weeks.

Jim, thanks so much. I hope things will get better but there's no magic cure. I'm busy with my daughter, work, friends, and events but I still miss my husband.

Vanilla, yes I think you're right about what happened with my husband when he returned the first time. It's been the same cycle now three times (it happened once five years ago very briefly but he never left). First my husband is bored and depressed, then he finds a woman who adds excitement in his life and wants to throw away the marriage, then that doesn't last and he's sorry, or should be, but this time there's no sign he's sorry. He's angry and still shows no sign of wanting to reconcile this time.

All, I want to say this one more time - all of my friends here in the city where we moved know my husband and say he'll be sorry, he'll return, he'll wake-up, etc.. That just gives me hope that it'll happen. I guess they don't know what else to say. To some extent that's how I feel about other people's situations here on this forum, that their spouses will wake up and return too. I guess we all try to be optimistic.

I know the feedback I'll receive here will be probably be "focus on yourself, don't think about your husband..." but one challenge when having a young child is I need to communicate with my husband. I'm struggling a lot in figuring out how to talk to him. I stopped calling him except for essential child / financial matters, I stopped talking about our relationship completely, I try to be pleasant and respectful. Even now he waivers between talking normally back and being mean and spiteful. For example the other day he called and said he's going to send me the link for new ceramic pans he got so I can buy the same ones. He mentioned the other day he's getting sick. He'll volunteer short brief sentences here-and-there that make it seems like we're talking normally but then other times he'll be mean and angry. Like when I told him last week I got two consulting jobs. He acted disgusted that what I'll earn doesn't equal what he's making as a physician and said "it's not worth it." Or he'll call to ask a question and if I say more than "yes" or "no" he'll get mad and say "I didn't ask for a justification. I just want yes or no." He calls every day and asks directly to talk to our daughter. He's coming to visit next week but I don't think he'll stay with us.

It's just confusing. The threads and resources that talk about reconciliation say first you need a way to have positive interactions before there can be any other progress. Sometimes my husband and I have that, especially compared to January and February, but other times he's just as angry as he's been. He's always had a lot of mood swings so I'm not really sure what else I can do. Even if we don't reconcile we need to be in touch regarding our daughter. I know most of you will say not to care about him but it's difficult in real life to stop wondering how to make things better or caring.

The final area where I'm struggling is still with the emptiness my daughter and I feel in our lives. My daughter keeps asking when her father will come to visit. I keep seeing families every where who are happy together, holding hands, laughing. That's all I wanted with my husband. That's what he promised me. It's extremely difficult to feel happy without the other half of my life present and knowing my daughter is missing out on having a father in her life. My husband calls and visits but it's never substantive. It's always brief and always the same two or three questions.

My husband has had severe untreated ADHD according to what I can see and to his own admission but he's never been treated for it. Sometimes I wonder how his life would be different if he would get treated. I wish someone who has influence on him could encourage him to get on medication. It's too bad that so many people like my husband live the majority of their lives struggling and failing when it doesn't have to be that way. My husband's life is a disaster. He's in debt, working six or seven days a week and still spending too much, and dating women when he's married with a young child. I wish his father or friends or someone could help him but apparently they all just stay silent.

I feel I'm doing everything I can do on my end to move on right now, but I only feel marginally better and at times worse because nothing can replace the time when my husband and I were happy together before these problems started. I can't imagine any other man even coming close to comparing to my husband as he was when I first met him. I wish I could be more open minded but my husband and I have a unique story. We faced death together during a war, built our lives from zero when we came to the US (came back for me), and almost never went 30 minutes without talking or texting for many years. I still have hundreds or thousands of e-mails, texts, and cards from my husband when he used to tell me how perfect, beautiful and smart I was. He used to tell me he's doing everything within his power to give me a great life. He was so funny and we laughed all the time.

I wish our story wasn't over. It's easy to say someone else's spouse is a bad person and to move on but it's so hard to accept when it's your own spouse.

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Do what I've done, I found males (within my family and husbands of close friends) to become a strong, male presence my kids need. This is not the same as a father being present but it does show my children what a healthy man looks like.

My WH also vacillates between mean and friendly, what I've done is kept our convos strictly to the kids and nothing else. If he is rude I call him on it in a quiet but firm manner. I tell him to speak to me with the same courtesy he uses with his patients. I told him on no uncertain terms that I would no longer tolerate him being rude to me and would limit our interactions to ParentTalk app if he snapped at me again. Seems to have worked for the moment.

I've started realizing that I DON'T want my WH back like this. Unless he has a Come To Jesus moment and does extensive introspection I do not want him in our lives. My WH is on meds for ADHD and he still has no done the hard work of looking at himself and making changes. He is in arrested development and there has not been enough of hitting the bottom for him to change. I cannot let this weight be tied around my family's neck. He is an albatross and will pull us all under unless I show the strength to cast him off.

Cast him off, move forward. If he does not make changes then at least he will not damage you and your child any longer. This is hard, possibly the hardest thing you will ever do. So far you've made tremendous strides and taken control of your side of the street. Don't tell him about your consult jobs, your positive changes, your negative changes. He no longer has the privilege of your intimate life. Stay distant and mysterious.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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NicoleR Offline OP
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Thanks Sara. I'm trying. My best male friend came from California with his wife and daughter the weekend we moved here and took us out, did fun things with my daughter, brought her gifts. I know he would do more but he's back in California now and we're on the East coast. They said they'll try to move here someday so we can be closer and my daughter and I will visit them in August (we're very close). Otherwise I wish that my husband's brothers would make some effort and I know my father will help once-in-a while. It's still not the same as having your own father involved.

I did tell my husband to speak more respectfully the last time he was really mean and he apologized but I know it'll happen again. It's good you know about the ParentTalk app. I'll have to check that.

It's interesting your husband is on meds for ADHD and it hasn't helped with your marriage. If my husband could control his impatience and mood swings better I know our overall situation would be better but I guess even then they can still do all the same bad stuff.

I wish to be even more mysterious but there are some financial things we're still working out related to the move and our new monthly budget and it would be really dishonest to hide the fact that I have an income but I guess maybe even hiding that might be justified. I don't know. I haven't volunteered any information about our social activities but my daughter sometimes tells my husband about stuff we do.

If I was aware of one other available man out there that seems like a potential option for the future I think I'd have more hope and confidence that my husband isn't the only guy out there with whom to build a life. So far, however, I'm not aware of anyone in the universe and it seems like every guy in our age range that I see in public is with his family. I'm not looking to date in any way, I just wish I could aspire to a new relationship in the future where I could feel as happy and even happier as I did with my husband.

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Me-45,H-56
DD: 18 DS: 15
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Nicole, it is ok to miss your husband. Allow that feeling but keep moving forward. Young child or no young child, your husband will cross your mind.

You say he is angry. About what? And, what about you? Be angry about how he has been in and out of your life. Say no more to that please. The more you do, the stronger you'll become. My situation is totally different but I feel stronger every day.

Could your friends sense that you are not ready to hear what may happen?

Don't worry about being pleasant, just be respectful. Don't be a doormat.

Why is your husband disgusted about the consulting job? Did you ask? Hey honey, I saw the disgust expression, what is that about?

Care Nicole about your husband's mental health but don't take it on. It is his responsibility. Advised by many counselors. If the time to reconcile ever came, it could become a requirement for you two getting back together.

I know the struggle of feeling empty. I know the feeling behind seeing what we think are happy couples. The sting is pretty hard.

[I can't imagine any other man even coming close to comparing to my husband.] You are absolutely not ready and that is absolutely ok. Do not date until you feel otherwise. It would not be fair to another man. And maybe you are stuck in the past when he was not a cheater and was very protecting, caring, and romantic.

I wish you all you desire and more Nicole. TC!


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Nicole

Do you want an R with a WH who treats you as Plan B every time he feels like it? A serial cheater who dumps you in a very cruel way and uses you like a hotel service. Who wakes up for as long as it takes to go back to sleep again. Who cycles periodically and who sells this deal to others? It's cute to treat your W as a dish rag returning when it suits you to get your emotional washing done. He is a lying cheating scumbag in my eyes to treat the mother of his children in this way. But hey, I am strong on arse kicking cheaters and kicking their entitled ways to the curb. Reality bites.

There are endless possible OW in the world, supply upon supply with no knickers, trust me I know this. I saw the G with his hands up the skirt of the fishwife in an open bar 1.5 months after we were M.

Putting your health at risk with his selfish encounters is physical abuse.

I get it, been there, after all the G had 9 OW. How many do you forgive? How much hope do you hold onto? How much do you suffer to R briefly?

When is it enough?

When you say so. It is always the LBS that says enough.

Expect rage, fake remorse and silent treatment when you do.

I want to say kick his arse to the kerb, but it's never that easy.

You aren't missing WH but the connection, the dreams and the life.

But those are your dreams not his. Nicole, you are a lady and worth everything. I think the consulting is amazing, congratulations on your changes, that is not easy. I wouldn't mention his disgust reaction, just note it and know it's blah blah blah. Stupid idiot hasn't a clue about the real world.

Nicole, you have your big girl pants on, now get those big girl boots and boot him to the kerb.

My thoughts

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Nicole there are plenty of fish in the sea. I wouldn't fret about available men. Lots of guys that are more mature having been through it with WWs and WAWs. You'll be fine. He'll be wishing he'd never walked away.


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Hi Nicole, i know how hard it is to let go.It is so frustrating to know that you are seeing the 95% positive where as H sees only the negative. I used to tell myself to take one day at a time, now I am doing one hour at a time. Every hour i pass without feeling completely hopeless is an accomplishment and I tell myself I am doing amazingly well. Dont worry about dating now, you will know when you are ready. For now, I tell myself I do not need another person especially someone who does not know my worth to make me feel complete again. Our children and our choice to be happy will keep us happy until one day we truly are happy again.

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