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OrangeK Offline OP
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I hav been reading them. I would call it more of a curiosity than an expectation really. at least that's the way I'm trying to think of it. no method of eradicating it from my train of thought his work so I'm trying to reframe how I view it instead. the upcoming court cases got me edgy. I wish the twisty stomach and accelerated heart rate of anxiety would just go away. Day to day stuff would be a lot easier if it did..


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
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Posts: 1,668
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Ive been reading the stuff vanilla posted. Joseph2017 stuff has been an interesting mirror. Definitely helpful.


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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You didn't get played. She didn't plot and execute a scheme to have a relationship with you. She's being true to herself. That should scare you.

When you bond with someone like that, you don't come away unscathed. You don't just divorce and move on. I strongly suggest you get an IC. You're in an incredibly difficult place, and an Internet forum isn't enough. Hardly.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 1,668
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: ForGump
You didn't get played. She didn't plot and execute a scheme to have a relationship with you. She's being true to herself. That should scare you.


I think I did get played, it was pre-meditated, she did plot and execute a scheme. However i think you are right when you say she is being her true self, I'm starting to feel like the whole thing was planned from Day one and she never actually loved me at all. Its destroying me.

Originally Posted By: ForGump
When you bond with someone like that, you don't come away unscathed. You don't just divorce and move on. I strongly suggest you get an IC. You're in an incredibly difficult place, and an Internet forum isn't enough. Hardly.


I've been seeing an IC, 2 different ones actually, and it doesn't seem to be helping. I only got put on med for a few days, and that was right before the incident that resulted in the TRO. Once that happened i stopped taking them at Dr.'s direction. Haven't gone on meds again since. I still get days where I can hardly function.
Today i such a day.

I seem to run in cycles, One day is normal, i operate as i normally would, dont think about it overly much. Then the next day or two will be a build up where I feel more and more overwhelmed by the stress of the abrupt discard, manipulation, lies and looming court cases. I still don't want to D until things have had time to settle. It stresses me out to no end.
Then after these days of build up, loneliness and missing her, i Get to a day like today.
I miss her terribly, the cognitive dissonance is in full effect, I can hardly function, If she came to me on a day like today i would fold, no resolve. I literally get physical symptoms.
Tight chest, upped heart rate, twisted stomach, waves of physical rage.
I feel legitimately sick. broken
Then usually after a day or two of missing her terribly, crippling depression and usually resulting in me breaking down and sobbing hard for 20-30 min, it seems to release.
Then the day or two following i have a resolve to GAL, be badass, i have the "Eff her, im better off without her" attitude, and i feel great. I WANT THIS TO BE HOW I FEEL EVERYDAY, ALL DAY. THIS IS REALITY.

RINSE AND REPEAT.

I am focused on GAL, NC, going dark, even after RO goes away, but it feels forced. like "fake it till you make it" but like the Make it part isn't really ever going to happen.
I feel like it isn't actually effecting change in my mental state.

I wish i could have her surgically removed from my psyche.
I don't want to miss her, but i do, terribly.
I don't want to love her, but i do, and probably always will. (despite believing it was all an act....)
I know i should never trust or forgive her again but i feel like I would in a heartbeat if she came to temp check.
All i want in the world is for her to want me back, to acknowledge what shes done / is doing, that she made a huge mistake.
I want our old life back, or at least a new, happy version.
I want to be the success story, how infidelity can be overcame.
But I know this is very, very, VERY unlikely, and I'm not HOPING for it or EXPECTING it.
Honestly, I'm trying to convince myself shes basically dead in my mind.
The woman I fell in love with is DEAD.

I KNOW THIS IS ALL DESPERATE CO DEPENDENT BEHAVIOR.
The key thing is, its all internal.
I haven't slipped up and tried to contact her, I've stayed off FB and so on.

This constant back and forth, Sad and Happy, Resolved and depressed cycle is literally making me feel insane.

I know OM doesn't matter. I know he's a downgrade, I know he was only selected because he was in the right place and time.
The typical OM thoughts wont go away.
Is he better? Nicer / kinder?
Better in bed? (although his EX told me months ago this is unlikely...)
Will they be together for a long time? Forever? Get married?
How is he with my son?
Will he hurt Her?
I want to kick the crap out of him.
How can she "love" someone so soon after marrying me?
I know these are ALL fruitless lines of thought, and are only causing me pain, and lastly, unlikely to ever get answers.
I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM.

Nothing is working. Not long term anyway. Its been 7 months since separation. 3 since RO and the last time i saw her in person or spoke to her. Why arent i further along?
Why wont i heal?
How does she have such power over me without even communicating?


Guys, as you can probably tell, this is breaking me.
I need help.
How do i survive this?
Ive gone soooo long with the RO, and kept my cool and havent broken it. I feel like if it gets extended this Thursday I wont be able to stick it out longer.
We cant co parent like this.

Feeling very stranded, broken and weak today.
idk how much longer i can live like this.


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
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Orange, I know it's hard, and I get myself in that frame of mind too, but it's best to just force it out of your mind. The more you obsess over her, the worse it will get. This is why GAL is so important, it keeps your mind occupied. Things that work for me when I start to think about W are reading a book, watching TV, doing chores around the house, going for a jog, etc. Anything to get it out of my mind. I catch the thought before it can grow. The second it enters my head, I tell myself, "Stop! This is not going to do any good. Think about something else." I know it's easier said than done, but you will get better at it...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Work is my issue.
Lots of cubicle time. It gives me WAY Too much time to live in my head, way too much time to dwell on her....
That coupled with the trauma bond combined with forced NC.

More and more of what she did, how she manipulated and lied becomes more apparent everyday, and the angrier at her i get the more i miss her. Its F***ED.

Plus she has occupied A LOT of my mind space in a sexual manner lately.
Like A lot. i miss the love and affection, but also the sex life that died ages ago. Seems petty and shallow to miss that and have it occupy so much of my thoughts too.


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
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Hey Orange,

get your self a good support group. Just like everyone is so helpful and friendly here . Create a fellowship with your friends or relatives so that in times of need or crisis, instead of calling W call them. Hopefully it helps. I know how you feel but as in the Beatles song"I get by with a little help from my friends!" good luck!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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OrangeK Offline OP
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LW,

Thats exactly what i've been doing. Its worked great for Not contacting WW. but i cant get her out of my head, or heart.
I feel like ill be plagued with missing her for the rest of my life.....


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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When would you say that you really started to work on mentally and emotionally letting her go? Everything that your describing, for the most part, I went through in the first 3 months or so after my W left.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 1,668
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Affair discovered Oct 15th - She moved out next day to her mom's
Oct 16th - Jan 27th - I did EVERYTHING wrong. Begging, pleading, pursuing, sending sentimental stuff, flowers, blaming myself due to gas-lighting. She maintained this entire time that it was a one night stand, relationship wasn't continuing with OM the were "just friends" and "bumped into each other a few times coincidentally" during our separation, which she originally told me was temporary so she could "figure out how to fix the marriage", when she was just keeping the relationship going with OM. Spending time with my son and him. mad

I didn't begin to try and detach, or got into any research about Personality disorders and DB'ing until Feb.
All of my "breakthroughs" and "realizations" have all occurred during forced NC during Restraining Order.

So to shortly answer your question, I've been trying to detach and GAL / DB for about 3 months now, 2 if you count how long ive known about DB'ing.


M: 30, EX-W: 30, S:4
M: Sept 16'
A: Jan 17'
WW Left: Oct '17,
EXW Filed TRO: Jan 18',
I Filed D: Feb 18',
TRO Extended 1 yr - May 18'
Final Hearing - Sept 11th 18'
D Final Dec. 18'
TPO on FIL Oct 18'
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