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Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: LoneWlf] #2787533
04/30/18 08:58 AM
04/30/18 08:58 AM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
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LoneWlf Offline OP
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LoneWlf  Offline OP
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Posts: 603
Can some one tell me does a separation agreement need to be in place before W leaves for her apartment. Only asking because I don't want to be rushed into making a bad decision. thanks for your help


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: LoneWlf] #2787534
04/30/18 09:02 AM
04/30/18 09:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
Depends on your jurisdiction.

In the UK you can make ano agreement post physical S. You need to consult an L in your jurisdiction.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: Vanilla] #2787546
04/30/18 09:42 AM
04/30/18 09:42 AM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
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LoneWlf Offline OP
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LoneWlf  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
I'm in Ontario Canada- not sure how this works. Is it better for it to be in place before she leaves?


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: LoneWlf] #2787565
04/30/18 11:39 AM
04/30/18 11:39 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,165
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
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AndrewP  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,165
Canada
Hi LoneWlf. I'm in Ontario as well.

Getting an agreement in place takes time. The first thing that I would suggest to you is to not allow yourself to be railroaded into signing anything. My ex had been gone for a year before she got around to seeing a lawyer and us beginning to negotiate a settlement.

An important thing to keep in mind is that even though there are a lot of forms and guidelines, this is essentially a business deal. You can negotiate whatever the heck you want. The courts won't sign off on it if it is too one-sided but that is how I got an acceptable deal in my case.

Since you are on disability and will be caring for your son, you may want to first find a lawyer and then see about getting a temporary support order put in place so that she will cover your expenses. She has an obligation under law to you and to your son.

I used the "Collaborative Law" process here and it worked reasonably well. It's intended to reduce the conflict (and the costs) of getting a separation agreement. As the lower income earner she will probably have to pay you spousal support and she'll certainly have to pay child support. The government website provides a calculator for the guidelines.

A little known quirk in Canadian law is something called "the rule of 65" which you fall under. If your age plus the years married is more than 65 you are entitled to permanent support. Not a lot of people know that.

I would suggest keeping your knowledge and activities quiet and close to your chest. Fully expect her to turn into a monster when she realizes that she can't just prance off into the sunset.

You'll need to assemble together all the information for the financial disclosure. This includes lists of all assets, debts along with a budget of what it will cost to support yourself and your son.

So - start gathering your information, find a lawyer - and don't agree to anything without proper counsel. In fact, under law I believe that it is required that each party to the separation agreement have independent legal counsel.

Good luck. This is going to be tough.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: AndrewP] #2787568
04/30/18 11:45 AM
04/30/18 11:45 AM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
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LoneWlf Offline OP
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LoneWlf  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
Andrew- amazing information here. THANK YOU so much. I'm at the north west end of Toronto. Where are you? If you are willing -I'd like to get more of your knowledge. I'm so new to this and my head is spinning-Its hard to stay focused. If you want, we could exchange emails or even numbers. This site has feels like a family we all stick up for one another. So much thanks to all of you!!!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: LoneWlf] #2787605
04/30/18 06:25 PM
04/30/18 06:25 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
A
Amazona Offline
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Amazona  Offline
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Posts: 15
You can even ask the lawyers for your wife to be responsible for your own lawyers fee since you do not have any income.
It is best to wait for 2 years before signing any agreement. By that time the dust has settled and both of you are hopefully thinking clearly. Remember, this is an agreement that does not only involve your heart but mostly, clear minds are needed.
Good Luck!

Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: Amazona] #2787611
04/30/18 09:28 PM
04/30/18 09:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,165
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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AndrewP  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,165
Canada
LoneWlf - I'm located a fair piece north-west of you although I'm currently making my breakfast to head down into Mississauga today.

You are fortunate in that there are lots of resources in your local geography. For a lot of very good reasons including the fact that the people here can be in a rather fragile vulnerable state, board policies don't allow the sharing of IRL contact information. Do you have some people around you who are providing you with emotional and practical support? It's amazing when you reach out your hand who you will find lifts you up. It certainly amazed me. You've mentioned your church and I believe you are Catholic? Your priest could perhaps help direct you to resources and also provide you with solace.

I don't know if you've checked out the stories of others here. Of the currently active posters, your story sounds a fair but like SBJ who is also a man of faith whose wife suddenly was in a huge hurry to leave. He's a great guy who has spent a lot of time searching his soul as he's walked along this path that none of us ever expected to be on.

Have you also sought out counseling? Even though I have good health coverage, my family doctor got me in to free counseling through the local health unit that gave me tools that have helped me cope with some of the very dark days that I have experienced.

If you are at a loss as to where to start with lawyers and uncertain about funding, stop by or call the local family court office. My ex did that and they provided her with resources and information. Even though for us this is a life-shattering event for the legal profession this is just another day at the office. With Ontario being a no-fault jurisdiction as long as there are no unusual extenuating factors it's just a "fill out the forms" operation on that end where things get rubber-stamped just like gettin a driver's license.

Stay strong. You need to be the "sane parent" for your son.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: LoneWlf] #2787613
04/30/18 10:31 PM
04/30/18 10:31 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 816
R
RR17 Offline
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RR17  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 816
Originally Posted By: LoneWlf
Thanks Steve85,

This is DAMN hard. I'm loosing my best friend of 20 yrs(W), I'm now having to find a new job because I'm on short term disability (added stress) and my disability is running out. I also have to find a means to support my son and I -cuz my W was the breadwinner and my S15 is sooo mad at mom for just quitting on the family. I'm trying to facilitate a relationship betwwen them but he feels she did not give it her all and just quit. We did go to MC 4 yrs ago but reverted back to old habits. On top of that I have to prepare my home ( the only home my son has lived in )so that we can sell it and split the equity. Totally in a fog
wondering how to proceed..


Wolf, just remember that what you feel now is temporary. God has you right where you need to be. You haven't lost anything.
One day you may very well look back and see this time in your life as the very impetus for change that you needed. Your son will be fine.
Stop trying to make her smile. This seems like an honorable goal but it is not what you should be focused on.

As unfair as it seems, now is the time that you need to respond to rational thoughts and not react to your emotions. When you feel hurt and want to project, bring it here.
She if anything may notice. Just don't expect anything.

Work on Wolf and forget about the M/R for now.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: RR17] #2787615
04/30/18 11:03 PM
04/30/18 11:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
L
LoneWlf Offline OP
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LoneWlf  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 603
Amazona- Thanks for that advice -in my confused state I did not think of that..

RR- God is now my lifeboat that I'm clinging onto for dear life. Scripture says He has a plan for me and needs me to go thru this. I need to fully surrender my will to Him but it's easier said than done.

Andrew- You are headed close to where I am at today. I have done counseling but not recently- it may be time to do it again. In your last post you mention SBJ how can OI access his stitch? Please help..

For all of you here- YOU GUYS AND GALS ARE AMAZING!!!! heartfelt thanks!!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Re: Wife is not who I married...please help [Re: LoneWlf] #2787621
05/01/18 12:51 AM
05/01/18 12:51 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,165
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
Member
AndrewP  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,165
Canada
Originally Posted By: LoneWlf
you mention SBJ how can OI access his stitch? Please help..
Here's SBJ's first posting

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post2708444

His journey is formed in many ways by his own faith. His wife also suddenly decided to leave and didn't want anything to do with counseling or reconciliation.

It might be helpful if for nothing else to see how a very Christian man walked his path with dignity and love.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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