Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
HaWho #2854648 06/26/19 03:00 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
HaWho Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
KML - thanks for the reach out. Yes, I am playing a lot of pickleball and really enjoying it!

As for the rest of my life, I am okay. Now that I am through it all, I have lots of “wait, did that really happen?!?!” moments. There were some real doozies in my MLC story.

Actually, recently I kind of lashed out at my ex for that letter he wrote to me about the ways I could fix the marriage. For those of you who remember, mine was a writer and one of the things he wrote was a three page letter detailing ways I could fix the marriage. It really hit me how sick the letter was. How sick you have to be to write something like that and think it’s okay to treat someone that way. He had all sorts of physical improvements for me. But he also wanted me to be less intelligent (and he writes that!!!) and just be sexy on his arm (and he writes that, too).

It was just pathetic after nearly 20 years of marriage and pathetic that at age 50 he lacked any sort of depth. (And for those of you reading this and thinking: hmm, well maybe she gained 700 pounds and he wants back the woman he married.). I am the same size I was pre children and many people think I am in my mid thirties and I am very fit. I raise this only because it’s his very distorted view projected onto me.

Anyway, it was never something I truly addressed with him. And suddenly the anger overwhelmed me that after all I had done I would be treated with such disrespect. So I sent a text to him. I told him it was so funny what he wrote in that letter. And what a joke it all was and how truly shallow it was. He asked me to stop texting him about it. And I wrote that he shouldn’t run from it as he took so much time to write it. He should own it and not hide from it.

It felt good to address it because it was all so deeply undignified and I shouldered it all. He became a real joke of a guy. And when I really thought about what angered me, it was the duplicity. He wants to be perceived as one thing when in reality he is the opposite. And I wanted him to know I knew that about him.

I did it for me and it helped me move forward. I deserved better not because I am so great but because no woman deserves that.

How’s that for an update KML?


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2854685 06/26/19 05:13 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Quote
he also wanted me to be less intelligent


LOL! And how exactly were you supposed to accomplish that? (I know, the same way smart women have been doing it for generations - by playing dumb).

My ex and I were pretty evenly matched intellectually but he always had a bit of a chip on his shoulder because I was better at some things (like standardized exams) than he was. It was ridiculous, because he was also better at other things that I wasn't, like surgery and people skills. So when he married again he married a much younger woman who plays the "little girl". She's not dumb but I do wonder if he ever misses the intellectual conversations that we used to have? Or if his fragile ego is just enjoying being propped up by someone who looks up to him as "older and wiser"?

I refuse to hide my light under a bushel and frankly, I don't think any of the men I have dated since my divorce have been bothered by my intellect. (Which is refreshing, as it was definitely a problem when I was younger). I don't think I'm better than anyone else - there are so many ways to be smart and not all of them show up in exams - and I refuse to be with a man so fragile and uncomfortable in his own skin that he needs me to play dumb to assuage his ego.

kml #2854989 06/28/19 01:20 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Originally Posted by kml

I refuse to hide my light under a bushel and frankly, I don't think any of the men I have dated since my divorce have been bothered by my intellect. (Which is refreshing, as it was definitely a problem when I was younger). I don't think I'm better than anyone else - there are so many ways to be smart and not all of them show up in exams - and I refuse to be with a man so fragile and uncomfortable in his own skin that he needs me to play dumb to assuage his ego.



Amen, Sister!!!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
HaWho #2865960 09/20/19 08:20 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
HaWho Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Hi all - long time no post, but think of you and this place often.

Life is good and improves all the time! I am busy and happy. Life is easier - so very much so!
In hindsight I feel like I was carrying an anvil around!

I did just write a post but think I did not submit and lost it. So here is a shorter version.

Ex continues to ignore me at kids’ events. But, recently he reached out and offered to dogsit on a weekend I am going to a family wedding with my boys! Sadly, this is newsworthy in my sitch as he has been seething anger for years and this is the first glimpse of kindness I have seen from him in years! He told me had had no plans and could take the dog. I accepted and thanked him graciously. I certainly don’t hope or think about any sort of reconciliation; quite the opposite actually. In fact, I have begun dating a guy a bit.

I do hope this is the start to kinder and more mature coparenting. His anger is ever present so a reprieve would be welcome! I do wonder if my little MLCer is growing up too. Years ago when I was away on a trip to see family he could not dogsit and was a full on brat during marriage about taking care of the dog. Obnoxious teenage brat!

I have very little insight into his life nor do I want it. Saw enough, thanks very much. I never ask the boys about him or what he does. Recently though s16 told me his dad has serious issues. He then said he functions well despite a tough childhood. I listened and validated. But I did say I disagree that he functions well. I told s I think his dad lost his way in life in a way that is not high functioning. I in no way want his behavior normalized! S16 mentioned what his dad’s mom did to his dad as a kid. I told him she reinvented and deserves praise for that. It is his dad that is stuck in the past. I did tell son that we can’t control what happens that us in youth but we can learn how to cope. Grandmother had trauma too but reinvented. Victim mode is a choice and a bad one at that.

As for the guy I am seeing, I have told him I am only almost 2 years out of my marriage so it needs to be slow and light/fun for me. We work together and he said he had his eye on me since my d. I have told him no meeting my kids and all that. He told me he is patient and can wait?!!?! He is 10 years out of his d, no serious r in that time as his kids were young and he pretty much raised them himself.

He is hard working and responsible. Very attractive after living with a 50 year old frat boy. Job, no sighting of a year round Christmas tree either!!! He is funny and says I am one of the funniest women he has ever met. We play pickleball in a work group and have been friends for quite a while. Just enjoying someone who seems well adjusted and settled in himself.

Hope all is well! KML - I think your advice was pretty spot on in my case. Job - you are an angel on earth! Thanks to all!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2865972 09/20/19 10:15 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Hi HaWho, OwnIt/OneArt here. Felt I could dip my toe here again and when I saw you posted I was so thrilled. I tried to get into the OneArt account but I've been away so long I can't remember the password and the resets aren't coming to me so I guess I'll stop worrying about him finding me. Hey darling, if you are reading this, enjoy.

So thrilled for you with the way things are working out. Did you ever finalize the divorce? I read through but may have missed it. I'll let you guess whether I'm still married or not. I can tell you that I definitely know what the withdrawal stage looks like now. Zero doubt about it. But I am happy to hear that the other side looks as rosy as I imagine.

Plan to figure out what all you lovelies have been up to while I've been plugging away and keeping my head down.

HaWho #2865988 09/21/19 01:08 AM
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 577
K
Kyh Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 577
Hi Hawho, nice update! I have had to work a lot w/ my ex and she’s usually good about things and it’s so much better working together than their bs. Hopefully he does the same. I just thought I’d suggest to have a plan b for your dog, so if he bails on your it’s no sweat.

HaWho #2865996 09/21/19 02:00 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
hi sweetie,
I'm so happy for you! really, after all the BS he put you through, I'm so glad you are on the other side xoxoxoxo

come visit us on the Post D board xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
HaWho #2866005 09/21/19 03:53 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
How nice that the new guy "had his eye on you" smile

kml #2866019 09/21/19 02:00 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I am so happy for the update! Sounds like your MLCer may be starting to grow up. The anger will flare up from time to time, but he is going to settle down...but not on your time clock.

You went through h@ll and back w/this man and his antics. The Christmas tree year round, the plants and the frat room, dishes, etc. You came out the other side and have come a long way. You've been the sole parent to your sons and they know that you are always there for them.

As for the new man who has had his eye on you....he knows that you are the prize and he's willing to wait for you. I wish you nothing but happiness for you richly deserve it.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
HaWho #2866639 09/27/19 11:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Hawho

Great update and all is going well. The new guy sounds great and understanding in a way you can only be from experience.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard