I have not been here since August 2018 but I have been stepping on the gas pedal of my life. Gosh, where to begin. It is most accurate to say that I double downed (hard) on myself.
Key updates on me: I put my my head down and worked super hard at work. In the last year I have been promoted twice while so much of my life crumbled around me.
I play a lot of pickle ball - great social outlet, great stress reducer and I love it! I see friends regularly.
My kids are finally getting a little better. S15 was very angry over it all. He lashed out at me and held things together in front of his dad. I know that means I am the “safe” one. S13 grew quiet and withdrew. He is now starting to see friends, finally! They both are getting their senses of humor back. They have always maintained their grades and kindness towards others (though they often lashed out at me).
I have spent many, many hard hours, days and months fighting my ex in our divorce. It has been exhausting and time consuming. There is a whole book to write on this. I don’t even know which stories to tell you there are so many ridiculous ones. I guess the most classic MLC one is that my ex suggested that I have the kids every weekend so that I can have “my freedom on the weekdays!” Hah! Talk about projection. If only I had a button to drop him through the floor. He fought pretty hard and kept asking for this. I assume it is hard to date young women when you cannot run off together every weekend?!? He even put s13 up to telling me that both kids felt it was best they were with me every weekend! When I asked why neither kid could answer. It’s sad he tried to use them in that way. I told them that when you have kids and want to divorce both parents should see the weekend and weekday aspects of their kids’ lives, in a ideal world.
One other funny story is he tried to determine support based on what he felt like paying and he went to the judge and said this! He said this is what made sense even though by his own numbers plugged into the state of California’s system he owed me way more per month! He told the judge he should pay less as now as his life is harder without a wife to help him. Job - if you are reading this I think one will make you laugh out loud. My lawyer said that was a case for me to receive the support I deserved: that I do d my job as primary care giver. And I won the maximum support. It was more than even my lawyer thought I would get.
When my ex suggested he get to choose the amount of support I receive, I wanted to joke, hey, why isn’t support determined by spinning Wheel of Fortune style! Makes about the same amount of sense.
We don’t really speak and he ignores me when we are at kids’ events. When he does text me, the messages often have a lot of anger. He is still mad I got my own lawyer and “wasted all our money.” In our marital separation agreement he tried to write in that all my support would end automatically if I cohabitated with anyone on a romantic basis. Of course that is not legal but that is his pattern: trying to set all his own rules. My lawyer said she had never seen anything like it- the language was so restrictive.
There are bizarre texts too. I play pickle ball on the nights I don’t have my kids and my ex tried to get me to drop something off one of those nights and I told him no I could not. He kept pushing and I simply said I am not available to do this tonight. And then he started texting me snide comments about me being out with my “benefactor.” ??? And he actually used that word. It has become a running joke with friends now. If I can’t meet them they will ask if I am out with my benefactor and we all laugh hysterically.
As for where I am headspace wise, I still sometimes can’t believe all that happened to my life. Sometimes I wonder if he did have a MLC or if I just made excuses for his bad behavior. But then recently the kids told me my ex said we were never in love and that made me so mad. I brought down 20 photo albums and told them to flip through. We were happy. We were in love. And when I really stop and think about the classic MLC signs, I know in my heart my guy was a textbook case.
He projected a lot onto me and I see all that now.
I think about you all often. I thank all of you for all your wonderful support.
Oh, I am thankful to be on the other side of this. Life does get better. It was way harder to live with him, just as Job often told me. I am happy. I do feel like I cheated death as it was hard living with all that craziness.
I do plan on checking in on old friends here. If there are newbies with similar situations I can help here. I know there are not many men who stay living in during their MLCs.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
He told the judge he should pay less as now as his life is harder without a wife to help him
Hilarious!
Good job resisting his nuttiness and getting what you deserve for your kids. Glad you've found a good social outlet and that work is going well. I'm sorry your ex is messing with the kids' heads but trust me, as time goes on they will come to realize that you are their rock and appreciate that. Plus you are modeling for them how to move forward and be happy.
My middle child was especially close to their dad and I think somehow blamed me for not keeping their dad "happy enough" to stay in the marriage. Now ten years later, after realizing I always had his back and his father often didn't, he admires me and thanks me for being such a great mom.
You're doing great - and I hope your "benefactor " materializes soon lol!
I am so glad you returned for a visit and w/an update. I am thrilled that you are getting what you deserve for your sons. He is definitely out to lunch and it's going to take years to grow up (that is if he ever does). He may be one of those, i.e., like my xh, who doesn't grow up and remains an angry and resentful old man.
I am glad that your sons are doing much better. It's been a difficult journey for them to see their father acting out like he has and continues to do so. Some of the things he comes up with makes me just shake my head. Like my xh, he doesn't think you are smart enough to see what he's trying to do or get at.
Keep up the good work and congratulations on the promotions. Sending warm and positive thoughts your way. BTW, if you happen to get a chance, check out Gerda's threads. Right now, she's away for the Lent, but she'll return after Easter. She's got a live in MLC husband and two children. You might be able to provide some support to her.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am glad you dropped by to update us, but mostly I am happy to read you are doing well. I thought that you would be fine after the split and I am glad that is so. You deserve a good life free from the hassles of recent years. Enjoy.
I get the sense that the dust is still settling for you and you are not fully where you want/need to be. that is okay, you are well on your way.
I am also happy that the settlement worked out as it should. That will help you, although may come with the price of prolonging the anger. But you know that anger is his to own and shouldn't affect you.
I wish you and your boys well.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Hey Hawho ... Just kinda caught up with you, and sorry to hear your hermit crab decided to but out of the basement and actually test the sands but I also think he needed to do this or you would have had him in that basement for eternity. Hopefully he goes through the tunnels now as it always felt like to me he was stuck hard ... the anger he is displaying much like a rebellious teen and the thought of you with someone else will drive him batty
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Sometimes I wonder if he did have a MLC or if I just made excuses for his bad behavior.
I could have easily written this, looking back at my marriage there were several times I felt the need to make excuses for her, and these were not even the MLC excuses.... something I will never do again. For me she has been contacting often, calling more in the past month than she did all of last year combined and thankfully it has not had any impact on me whatsoever looking back a few years I would be analyzing nd in a tail spin about it plotting when she was going to wake up and come out of that tunnel
All we can do at this point is hope they can get to a place where they are there for the kids in some capacity, this for me was the hope this past year and she has been doing alot better.
Hope you all the best .. stay in touch and good luck in that dating pool!
I’m glad you got recognized for your hard work at your job and earned those promotions. You definitely should be rewarded for a job well done.
As for your ex, I get it. I can only offer my empathy. No words. He still is trying to control you and the situation. How exhausting it must be.
I hope the teens are doing well. I’m sure it’s a confusing time for them as well. As they get older and decide what kind of men they want to be,. they might be reflecting on the chaos they’ve endured
Wishing the best to you. I hope you are out there and enjoying life.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
lots has happened and you've weathered it all so beautifully! I'm so very proud of you Ha -- you've put up with so much crazy, you've sure earned the peace of mind that oozes from your recent post. Well done my dear! Stay in touch xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Like everyone else said, glad to hear you are doing so well. And thanks for everything you contributed to all of us here. Best wishes.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
