Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
Was your reaction to him being away a lot this weekend pretty typical, or was it a 180?

Honestly, I'm not sure why it was out of the question to be upbeat. Why couldn't you have a great weekend with your daughters and let him sort himself out? And is it really unfair to your daughters, or are you projecting? At 15 and 18, it doesn't seem like having a parent busy on a weekend would phase them.

Unless his being away left you with an unfair burden, I'd plan to GAL and have great weekends without him, and then be upbeat when you see him.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
S
schak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
S
schak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
Hi Rose,
I appreciate your response and honesty. It makes me look harder at myself and my actions that are still too much a part of my feelings. I feel like I am failing at all of this, and trying too many things at one time. It is still all pretty fresh and my H's changes happened so quickly.

Two days ago, the bomb did drop. (More evidence of my not being a very good DBer, I feel). He told me he thinks we should separate. He thinks our lives are going in different directions. He pictures himself in his own house with lots of land, living on his own, with us sharing 50/50 custody. Upon hearing this, I stayed calm. I thanked him for finally communicating anything with me. We had a civil conversation where neither one of us were angry. He told me how hard all of this is for him as he still loves me and about what an amazing mother I am to our children. I reiterated calmly to him, that it wasn't what I would want. No blame was put on either person, we both agreed that during the past year or so, neither one of us made our marriage a priority.

We also discussed some realities... our daughter is graduating from high school this year, with many activities associated. We will be funding college next year. What might this look like for our financial future? I would not want to have to move our younger daughter our of our family home to support two homes. Needless to say, I don't think he has thought through any details. We agreed that neither of us would do anything right away.

We also agreed that for the time being any relations between the two of us needed to be cordial. Despite trying to be upbeat, these past 3 weeks, I did often find myself mirroring his coldness. The constant tension in our house was taking its toll on the kids.

So...now I need to re-read Detach threads. I have also done research on separation agreements, etc. I don't want to be blind sighted if /when things head in that direction.

I need to keep reminding myself this needs to be his journey and he needs to figure things out. It is so difficult.

Once again thank you for your honesty.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
AH yes, he is in the typical WAS/H fog.

"He pictures himself in his own house with lots of land, living on his own, with us sharing 50/50 custody."

Even at 50/50 custody he likely will be paying child support. So he can have "his own house with lots of land" with a significant hit to his income? Maybe he can. But your paragraph above about the realities is a good one. WASs rarely consider anything that causes their fantasy to be interrupted.

Does he make enough money to pay support and live his dream?

Schak, one thing I often repeat about spouses that want to live on their own is this: A spouse doesn't need their own place to figure things out, or find themselves, or to decide what they want. A spouse needs to their own place to sleep with other people.

Remember, believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
S
schak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
Oh, Steve, I totally agree. While I was calm during our conversation, please know I thought the exact same thing about his little house in the woods! Good grief!

In addition, the selfishness of the MLC spouse is unbelievable. We do NOT have the financial stability to fund our family home and his house in the woods. I think he envisioned us quickly selling our family home and then each buying new ones. When I mentioned to him about our younger daughter, it was quite clear, he had not given any thought to her or what she might want. Our conversation leads me to believe even more strongly that there must be an OW.

Certainly this forum is a great place to vent! Even though he didn't know it at the time, I walked away from the conversation realizing just how delusional he is right now.

Keep in mind, I do all of the bills and track the finances for our family.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
I remember those conversations. H had mentally divided our assets and was apartment shopping. We talked about retirement, custody, everything.

There was no OW, although there was the hope for someone in the future.

Hang in there.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Please get L advice. Soonest.

Know your fin position to the cent.

My thoughts

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
S
schak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
Thanks Vanilla.
Even though it has just been 2 days, I have already begun to scour the internet researching finances. I have learned a lot about splitting assets and how to go about doing it. (Bank accounts, 401K's etc).
I have also researched divorce lawyers. I plan to attend at least 3 consultations, if not more.
I don't really know how to secure a good one. My close friends and family don't seem to know of anyone.
Any suggestions out there?

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
S
schak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
So I haven't posted in a few days. Things around the house have been much more civil. He is respecting the boundary to be at least cordial.

Some more evidence of the foggy H...

Today I am headed out of town with a great friend from high school. Strangely enough H offered to drive me to the airport two days ago. I was taken very much off guard. Yesterday me made sure he had my itinerary. He also did some work around the yard... things he hasn't done in a very long time.

This morning as H was leaving from work, he told me to have a great time and to text me when I arrived. Despite trying not to, I got a lump in my throat, since that was it. Always before if one of us went out of town, at least there would be a hug. I did not cry and did not ask for one. Twenty minutes later, he returned home, teary. He came to me and gave me several hugs, telling me he couldn't let me leave without one, and I had looked a bit upset earlier.

Good grief. I KNOW not to read too much into it. I KNOW IT! It's still hard not to.....

Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard