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A Message from Michele
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Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: schak] #2785348
04/14/18 02:50 AM
04/14/18 02:50 AM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 347
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annab74 Offline
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I think it is probably exceedingly rare that someone uproots a long-term marriage without some sort of catalyst (i.e., OW). People generally don't walk away until they feel like they have something better to start walking towards.

I could have written your post at the start of my journey here. 20 years of marriage, never perfect but still considered us a typical, happy family for the most part. Then sudden changes, rewritten history, and H was convinced he was missing out on life out there. Swore up and down that it was nothing to do with an OW or anything like that...just him realizing he wasn't where he was supposed to be. Spoiler: there was an OW.

I hope for your sake that isn't the case in your situation, but it's a common scenario and they almost always deny their hearts out until they can't anymore.


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: annab74] #2785352
04/14/18 03:21 AM
04/14/18 03:21 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Vanilla Offline
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There actually seems to be no evidence of an A. It almost seems like WH is depressed.

No outward wayward stuff, guy activities such as guns. And snoring which perhaps leads to sleep apnoea and deprivation.

Seems to me he is a walkaway with some sort of depression.

Walkaways are a completely different sitch to waywards.

Sandi 37 rules are great for repairing an R with a walkaway. These are the R that result in new renewed M. DB is great for that.

The sex starved thing is a tough one to overcome, have you been assessed on your hormonal levels etc? Might be worth looking into. Intimacy is very tough to rebuild but not impossible.

H was once very attracted to you, he M with you for 20 years so we know it was there once. So you get your vacation value vroom back for you. That's vital rework you for you. Then you will be the winner.

For the moment until you think or know otherwise treat H as a walkaway and DB. Those are my thoughts.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: schak] #2785425
04/15/18 01:42 AM
04/15/18 01:42 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 857
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Rose888 Offline
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I found individual counseling immensely helpful, more helpful even than marriage counseling, although it means a lot to me that my husband was wiling to go.

I would not ask your husband to go with you to see your counselor. I would keep the focus on you. If he expresses a willingness to go to counseling, then you can find a marriage counselor at that point.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: Vanilla] #2785428
04/15/18 01:47 AM
04/15/18 01:47 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 857
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Rose888 Offline
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I agree that Sandi's rules are very helpful, except for #15. Maybe I just failed at implementing it, but during the day or two I tried, it made things worse.

DB is all about noticing the effect of your actions and making changes to improve things.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: Rose888] #2785489
04/16/18 01:22 AM
04/16/18 01:22 AM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
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schak Offline OP
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schak  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
Thank you Everyone!
This weekend I traveled out of town with my girls to a wedding. My H did not want to go. It was awkward at first, to say the least! Sitting through a wedding ceremony when your own M is so dysfunctional was the most difficult part. My girls and I made the best of it, and ending up having a good time.

When we returned home yesterday, strangely enough, my H seemed to be my H from the past. He was not the, "Stone Man" as I so often refer to him these days. The push and pull is always difficult. I also know my sister and her husband took personal offense to his not attending. I didn't offer too many details about our time away, and tried to be upbeat in general.

I will remain observant regarding his behaviors. As you know, I have wondered about an OW, depression, MLC, or all of the above. So hard to prove any or all of it.

The counselor I found is a pro-marriage counselor. I had intended to go on my own. He wants me to ask H to join, just so that it doesn't feel like we might be ganging up on him, if he chooses to attend in the future. I dread asking him, as I am nearly certain he won't attend, and these rebukes start to take their toll.

This week I have several outings planned with friends after work. Certainly continuing to GAL!

Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: Rose888] #2785490
04/16/18 01:31 AM
04/16/18 01:31 AM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
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schak Offline OP
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schak  Offline OP
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Posts: 29
I forgot to respond to Vanilla...
There is a history of early menopause in my family. Three years ago, at the age of 45, post hysterectomy, I did have blood work done. Both my FSH and estrogen levels were so low, I was diagnosed as post menopausal. I have been taking replacement estrogen, and have had numerous discussions regarding libido with my Ob/gyn. I finally am feeling like I am coming out of the dark in these regards! As you know, however, I'm hoping it's not too late for my M!

Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: schak] #2785515
04/16/18 03:13 AM
04/16/18 03:13 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,955
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Steve85 Online
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Originally Posted By: schak
The counselor I found is a pro-marriage counselor. I had intended to go on my own. He wants me to ask H to join, just so that it doesn't feel like we might be ganging up on him, if he chooses to attend in the future. I dread asking him, as I am nearly certain he won't attend, and these rebukes start to take their toll.


Our MC suggested the same thing! And it worked, got her there and she has been back with me for every appointment since. The worst your husband can say is "no".


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: Steve85] #2785589
04/16/18 02:50 PM
04/16/18 02:50 PM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
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schak Offline OP
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schak  Offline OP
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Vanilla,
What is vacation value vroom?

Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: schak] #2785859
04/18/18 11:27 AM
04/18/18 11:27 AM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
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schak Offline OP
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schak  Offline OP
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Re: Unsure how to proceed [Re: schak] #2785862
04/18/18 12:40 PM
04/18/18 12:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Posts: 8,855
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You know what happens on vacation?

With the sun on your skin making vitamin D. Change of scenery, hot bikini feeling good.

Getting the sun tan cream on.

Snuggling over ice cream,

Feeeeeelin good. Feeling sassy. Forget the snoring. Getting laid.

Finding that state, the vacation value.....

And I guess you know what vroom feels like.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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