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No one is coming to save you!

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Maika Offline OP
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NicoleR:

I totally get what you mean by being disappointed with DB as it didn't just turn things around. But we all know that if there was a magic cure to this, then all marriages could be turned around and restored - which is obviously not the case.

I would suggest that when you have some time to reflect - after you move and get your job and get settled - think about what are you specifically attached to about your previous MR? I sense, once you find that, you will be able to figure out how to let it go and not want to go back to your MR.

Do you really want to have a MR with this man who cheated on you, left you twice and has been an a$$ to you? I think that once you get some distance, you will be able to allow your self-respect and self-worth to blossom and realize what a piece of trash your H has been to you. Believe in yourself and who you are what you bring. You deserve better than him. Your daughter deserves a better parent than him.

Let him go! Stop worrying about him. Just worry about you and your daughter.


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Maika Offline OP
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One of the things that I have been struggling with is self-forgiveness. So, I decided to write out everything that W said I fu$%ed up in the MR, and things that I thought I failed at.

I wrote that list and then next to it I wrote what I was going through at that period in my life - various stages and causes of depression, being unhappy with W but not being able to communicate it, feeling overwhelmed and alone etc.

I put all my failings in their proper context to understand what I could've done better. And I realized that even though I could've done better in some situations, so much of it was because I wasn't happy with myself and mentally unwell. Also, that my W never pushed me to get help or support me and be there for me. Not that your partners are responsible for your wellbeing, but if they know and sense it, then I feel they should be bringing it up and talking to you about it and helping you be better - my W never did that even though she admitted that she knew I was depressed.

Now that I have made this list and put it in it's proper context, I can start practicing self-forgiveness. I also created a list of things that I did well in the MR and how I improved during the MR and after BD. This is to also show myself that I did some frikkin' awesome things in the MR and was a great partner and father to my kids.

I also made a list of qualities and personality traits that I want in a partner. Now I have more clarity on this. I guess I am prepping for D to happen - well, I'm getting closer to the point where I am good to file, but not until end of June.

In other news with W, we had some pleasant text messages yday and today - totally around kids and their issues, but still good. Nothing to read into there, but this is a 180 for me as I just didn't want to have any communications with her. I had a hard time being super pleasant and all of that jazz. I know that I have some vestiges of anger left, but it's slowly going away and I was able to engage in some banter without having any expectations or it going anywhere.

Gotta go pick up some new climbing gear today and I am excited about that. My skill level is moving from intermediate to advanced and the work is paying off smile getting stronger and technically better every week.

I am doing great folks. Making moves this year and 2018 has shaped up to be good so far.


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hey man I just wanted to let you know that I just read your situation from start to finish. What a damn inspiration. Some of your responses in the way that you handled situations are solid gold man I'm going to bookmark your thread for when I'm having a rough day.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
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2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
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Maika Offline OP
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Wow! That's a lot of reading. I am glad to hear you found some things to store away for a rainy day, but hopefully a lot of things that you can start doing now. I can't stress how important this community has been for my growth. Way too many people to acknowledge.

I'd recommend reading Joseph9's journey and Benito's journey. Benito's threads were archived, but he still has a thread kicking around that you can find.

This community is amazing. You will hear things here that feel counter intuitive, but know that advice is not given lightly and I have benefited from everyone commenting on my threads, even if I disagreed with them. Gave me lots to think about.


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Maika, that's nice you and your wife were able to text about the kids. That'll help a lot and benefit them if you two can continue doing that.

It's great that you're making such a specific intentional effort to forgive yourself. You're an action and goal oriented person and you can see from reading your thread how this mindset has helped propel you forward.

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Thanks for the kind words Nicole. Yes, I am trying to actively work through my emotions and issues and translate that into action, not just think and analyze it intellectually. It's helped me immensely in my detachment process and also building self-confidence and self-value. By listing all the things I did well in the MR and my life, I was able to balance out the negative stuff and realize that I am just human. I did the best I could in those circumstances, and that this is not all my fault.

Yes, it's good we can text and be civil with each other. Especially in front of the kids, which is the most important thing for me. I am going to catch up on your thread but I know you've moved and getting settled. Congrats on that and I look forward to hearing about your new work and life with your daughter.


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Yo M......I read that one of the signs that indicate if your ready to date or not is if you are no longer angry at your W/H. The same article also indicated that another indication is if you have acknowledged and accepted your role in the relationship and your contribution to the failure of it.

It's good to hear that you are processing your emotions especially for your kids. It will be a huge benefit to them if they see mommy and daddy interacting positively. Especially when it comes to Birthday's, Mothers Day/Fathers Day, etc.

It was my EW's birthday yesterday so I took the girls out shopping so they could get her a few little things to give to her, along with a small cake and a card (they had been asking me for weeks). They asked me what I got her and I told them the presents we got where from all of us.

So she came over to the house and we did the birthday thing for about 20 min and then she left.

I was just happy that I was in a good place emotionally to do this for my girls.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Those are good points J. I don't think I am angry with her and I know that I have acknowledged and accepted by role in the demise of the MR.

But I don't feel like putting any effort for Mothers Day and her birthday. Kids do stuff at school for Mothers day so that's covered. For her bday, I don't feel any reason to do anything. Now, is it because I am angry? I think it's more like she wanted a S, and so that means that I am done and the cord is cut. She's out of my life except where it intersects for the kids.

I do see your point about doing it and what you did for your EW with your girls - you've unlocked the next level of zen detachment smile I hope to get there some day.

But, I think even though I am not angry, I might have resentment towards W for just throwing everything and not giving it another chance. I thought as a partner, you at least deserve that - but maybe I have unrealistic expectations and you're not entitled to anything in any relationship. Or is that too cynical?

Your W did pretty much the same thing as mine - no second chance for anything. How did you deal with that? Don't you have some resentment over that?

I am trying to get clarity.


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You will get there......outside of sex (I will admit she looked hot last night) I don't feel that I am missing out on anything that my W has to offer. She hasn't changed, she is still the same person, I don't see that her life is so great, I don't see her growing as a person which is why I don't harbor those feelings. I am sad for my kids but that is about it.

If you are really honest with yourself where you truly happy in your MR? Now you might have been willing to stick it out etc. but if your W never changed and didn't want to work on the issues you had would you have filed for D and walked or would you have stuck it out for your kids? I would have stuck it out but knowing what I know now I should have voiced my concerns to her vs just accepting things as is.

Unfortunately no one owes us anything.....I am a firm believer that this happened to me for a reason and I am a better man for it. My EW is the big looser in all of this. She did me a favor as I have learned things that I would have never learned before. I have grown in ways I never thought possible.....

Just remember you don't want marriage 1.0 back you want marriage 2.0 but that means she is willing to do the work as well. That work will probably not be done on your timeline. It might take D to make it happen. It might mean that it takes her to experience some harsh realities of living a dating life. Maybe some dude does her dirty and that causes her to realize that M wasn't that bad after all. By then M has a beautiful lady by his side, has moved on with his life and maybe the prospects of her getting her back don't matter. Maybe M realizes that she is the love of his life and they reunite.

The dating life for a single lady with two young kids can't be that easy......the amount of quality men out there that are available is pretty slim. She is not only dating for herself but she also has to picture that man with her kids as well and trust me you as the children's father will be the barometer. Most dudes are d-bags and at my age most of them look twice their age and have not done the work we have. I had a lady tell me last week I looked 38.....I was like cool I will take it smile

My own ego tells me that my W will never find anyone better than me. My ego also tells me that she knows better than to introduce some d-bag to me or my kids. That if/when she does she better be able to do it and look me square in the eye with confidence not look the other way or look down. She knows, trust me she knows.

This is how I can have my EW come over to the house so my kids can celebrate her birthday. I know who I am, where I am going and am totally confident and comfortable in that setting. Besides it's my house if she doesn't like it she can get the f out smile Her name is no longer on the deed smile This is being true to who I am and for me it shows my strength that I can be in her presence with no expectations and it shows my girls that daddy is not an angry SOB.

I also understand she could have picked up some dude last and they were banging all night long. Whatever......I guarantee you he doesn't have anything on me smile

Sorry M.....I got a little carried away.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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