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Happy birthday dear Sara,

Reality is getting into his face... IMO he thought you were going to drop the proceeding at one point before the hearing (his total lack of preparation) because you never followed previously with it. Also, his answers to the judge showed how self-centered he is.
He is just starting to realize that you are no longer under his control/power, and that's a big shock, he had been the one controlling "the situation" those past few years, deciding to cheat, to leave, to stay, to give the silent treatment, to live as a single guy but being served...

It was a tough birthday, but it's the first day toward your new freedom.

You are not alone, you will soon realize that once he is gone, your social life is going to improve a lot. You will be able to invite friends/family over without thinking about what he might do or say. Your home is really going to be your peaceful retreat not a place with that constant dark cloud.

I wish you best luck for your interview, and hope it works for you.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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PsySara Offline OP
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So my snooping has shown that WH has stopped the inappropriate behavior or just taken it deeper underground. Ask me if I care? Nope. On the D front he has still not done his side of the work, he has until Thursday to submit his financial disclosure or be found in contempt. He had 5 days off to get it done but just...did nothing. This is incredibly frustrating for me because the longer this drags out the more money I pay.

Meanwhile he continues to just be his moody self. My home feels like there is an alien in it, I can't relax because he is here. I have moments where I feel waves of sadness that my marriage has died and I will be a single parent. I am still grieving the loss of my dream, of raising my children in a loving home with both their parents. But I can say with absolute honesty that I tried 150% to find a solution. I can't force a partner to stay and be a husband and a father. He has made his choices and appears to be at peace with the consequences. (shrug)


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Originally Posted By: PsySara

Meanwhile he continues to just be his moody self. My home feels like there is an alien in it, I can't relax because he is here.


Perhaps when he mentioned to you at the court that maybe he should move out, you should have said, "yes, I think that would be best," instead of telling him it was up to him... You would not have to walk on eggshells all of the time...

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He didn't ask to move out, he asked if he should have moved to another bench instead of sitting next to me. I have asked him repeatedly to move out but he has made it clear that he will not move until the divorce is final. I asked my lawyer about this and she said it's not legal to force him out until the divorce is final. Even then I have to give him a 30 day notice to vacate.

I am trying to avoid arguments in front of my children to diminish the damage. I could not care less about hurting his feelings or angering him, I just don't want my children feeling like they are living in a battle ground.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
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Your way of dealing with him is the right way, somehow you want him to understand that you are "over" and won't take anymore of his b...s...but at the same time you still have to protect your kids from that mess he created. Taking the high road is extremely difficult but that the right one, it won't give him any bullets against you for the divorce.

Right now, you are negotiating most probably the biggest business deal of your life because it will impact your life and your kids' life for many years to come. Stay strong and avoid his baits.

I hope the proceeding won't last too long and you can finally find peace.
By the way, how did you do at your job interview?


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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Posts: 791
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Hello friends. So WH finally saw our CPA to do his financial affidavit. Never mind it was supposed to be submitted to the court about 20 days ago. He is being cordial and we have the bizarre situation of waking at 4:30 to eat subhr together before we start fasting for Ramadan. He has gone out each evening and bought our food to break fast as I am at zero and can't find the energy to cook after 15 hours of fasting. The nanny feeds the kids dinner before heading out for the day so they're covered.

I am just biding my time until this D is final so he can move out and I can start healing. As long as he's here I keep getting twinges of hope that he will have some kind of wake up call. But he has shown me through his actions and inactions that he will simply blame others any time he is not happy and seek outside validation to make himself feel better. I could never be safe with a person who cannot look within and confront his short comings.

The kids have one more week of school and then summer break begins. I already have the two older ones signed up for summer camp where they will have a fantastic time. They've gone there before and come home each evening tanned, fed, and exhausted. Not much else to report here, just regular status quo.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Sara,

It's good to hear your update. That's wonderful you're fasting. I hope it'll serve as part of your healing process. It's odd that your husband is fasting given everything else we know about him!

I hope things progress smoothly for you. Will you have to go back to court or will the divorce be finalized by mail when your husband sends his affidavit?

I'm also curious to know how Islam's rules for divorce have influenced you or your husband.

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PsySara Offline OP
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Islam is one of the few (only?) religions that basically outlines the rights of a wife to initiate divorce is necessary. It is very protective over her property and also required child support and even alimony upon divorce. (this was decreed 1400 years ago)

If our divorce is not settled by June 15th then we have to return for a case management hearing where WH would have to explain the hold up. I texted WH this morning and reminded him that June 15th was Eid and it would s*ck if we have to waste a holiday in court. He assured me he submitted the financial affidavit and it should be completed and finalized before June 15th. If that's true then we will be officially divorced by June 15th, I'm crossing my fingers but trying not to rage too much at WH's snail-like pace.

All in all I am vacillating between sadness, apathy, anger, irritation and yearning for this to be done with this process. I'll be honest, I am rather disappointed that I sunk so much into this process and did not bust this divorce. Part of me feels I wasted 2 years on a selfish narcissist when I could already be waaay further along in my healing. I am not sure MWD technique takes into consideration that a lot of walk-aways/MLC/Cheaters are personality disordered and therefore doomed to fail at working on themselves. And let's be honest, if the cheater cannot gain insight then what's the point? They will just fall back on old behaviors and cheat again. Anyone who seeks constant external validation lacks the ability to grow and mature. My WH still pins his cheating on whatever he felt he could not get from me. The fact is there are a lot of unhealthy marriages where both spouses kept sex inside the marriage. As long as WH blames his lack of integrity on me, the chance of cheating is high. Heck, if I burn dinner then he can just go and cheat. If I get hurt/sick/disabled then he can go cheat. I wonder if the majority of DB'ers are simply in denial that they are married to sociopaths. Do we simply enable them by rewarding bad behavior with wonderful spouses? How does that make us safe from the same violation reoccurring?


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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Originally Posted By: PsySara
I am not sure MWD technique takes into consideration that a lot of walk-aways/MLC/Cheaters are personality disordered and therefore doomed to fail at working on themselves. ... Do we simply enable them by rewarding bad behavior with wonderful spouses? How does that make us safe from the same violation reoccurring?


I agree that many cases that show up here involve a spouse with deep-seated psychological issues that can't be solved by 180/GAL/do-what-works/etc.

But being a wonderful spouse isn't the same as enabling them. It's to be a healthy individual with boundaries.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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