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PsySara Offline OP
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Well the talk never happened, WH came home late and fell asleep. So I decided to take her to the class that is legally required and see if it sinks in. It didn't. lol I've always said my DD7 has the memory of a goldfish, she just kind of swims around doing her thing. I carefully asked her afterward if she had any questions, she said no and asked if we could go get a happy meal. On the way there I asked her what the class was about and she said, "About feelings and stuff, I made some crafts." Talk about anticlimatic.

I found out that WH has not done his parenting class nor submitted his financial affidavit. Last night I pointed out that he could be found in contempt and thrown in jail. He basically scoffed as if I were making this up. Around 10:30 I saw him in my doorway, he stared a bit and then went back to the kid's room to sleep on the floor. (not sure why he is doing this since the kids have been crashing in my bed and we have a spare room with an en-suite bathroom)

I barely speak to him and breathe a sigh of relief when he is not here. I try to find some positive emotion towards him but still come back to repulsion. I know he is communicating with someone on Snapchat and it's not appropriate. He's changed his passcode on his phone and he spends a lot of time grooming. But still...repulsion. I find it interesting that before this would have sent me into a tailspin and led to more "pick me" behavior from me. Now, I am just glad his attention is elsewhere and I can just focus on me and the kids. Not sure if this is detachment or distaste.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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I really admire the way you are handling this situation.

I cannot imagine how much self control it takes not to explode. I am really proud of you. I am still stunned by the words your husband said to you...How dare you talking that way to the mother of your children and wishing her to die... meanwhile he is totally passive in that divorce proceeding, that's really weird because it was something he wanted since many years, to be free.

His lack of reaction is getting me worried in the sense, I fear for your safety, I hope he is not going to do something to you or the kids. IMO, I think he thought you were not going to pursue the D and it was just another threat, and now he is worried not about you or the kids but how it is going to influence his life and his own image in regard of others. Reality is crashing in front of his eyes and it's too much to handle and it doesn't match his fantasy at all, he is having a crash course about what his new life is going to be and it's not what he thought it would have been. La la land is going down the drain.

Communicating with someone is just a way to have his ego stroked and having some kind of positive feedback, and may be also to enable some kind of reaction from you.

Sleeping on the floor.. he is playing the poor puppy... trying to inspire some pity from you or the kids...

Stay strong, I hope you don't have too much time to wait for your D to be finalized, because leaving that way is a lot of stress.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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Originally Posted By: skyhigh


His lack of reaction is getting me worried in the sense, I fear for your safety, I hope he is not going to do something to you or the kids.


i too worry about your safety... your situation is odd... there is a lot of conflict, a lot of animosity... anger on both ends... maybe even hatred from his side... and that you two are living together while going through a divorce that he doesn't seem to really want, yet, at the same time, doesn't want to be married... it all just worries me... it's a different situation than the others on this board who are living together while going through the divorce process...

my two cents...

--artista

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I have a bench in my garden and I am sending it to you. He can sleep on that, it's popular with waywards these days.

I am also worried in case there is a powder keg reaction.

I recollect the G had several tactics he used to use

Poor poor me then sulk

It's all your fault then anger

Staring NC then dark horrible ugly words

Be very very careful, safety first ok? If you need to get away then do so.

I absolutely know that once it hits the abuser that you are really really done then these three roll into one powerball of intimidation.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: PsySara
I pointed out ...
I try to find some positive emotion towards him ...
I know he is communicating with someone ...
he spends a lot of time grooming.

You have to stop doing the above. Detach, detach, detach. Let him go.

Originally Posted By: PsySara
I asked [D7] what the class was about and she said, "About feelings and stuff, I made some crafts." Talk about anticlimatic.

IMHO most kids at that age they don't care all that much what's going on between Mommy and Daddy. They just want both parents to stay engaged in their lives, even if separately.

Yes, parents being together is optimal. But separate isn't as horrific as we parents imagine it to be. Still scuks.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
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Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Hi Sara,

Has your husband done anything at all to work on the divorce? I can't believe he's ignored all these important steps. That could affect his career if he goes against the law, couldn't it? I hope something happens soon so you can move on and start to feel some relief.

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PsySara Offline OP
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WE had the case management hearing on Wednesday. WH thought we'd drive together but I informed him...no. I got there very early and chatted on the phone with my cousin (he just had an emergency appendectomy.) WH arrived just as the courtroom doors opened. He sat next to me and then awkwardly wished me a happy birthday. Sigh. Then after about 5 mins of weird silence he asked if he should move somewhere else, I told him it was up to him. My lawyer arrived and sat on the other side of me. Two long hours dragged by and finally we were the last couple called in.

The judge asked if WH had representation, WH mumbled (extremely annoying, chronic issue) and the judge asked him to speak up. He stated he was pro se and the judge asked for his financial disclosure. WH stated he was so busy he had not had time to consolidate the paperwork. The judge was displeased. He frowned at WH and advised him to communicate directly with my lawyer since he felt pro se was the way to go. He also court ordered the financial disclosure to be submitted within 15 days. He then asked if WH had done his parenting course and WH fumbled through his folder and produced the certificate. The judge asked WH how the kids were dealing with the divorce and WH responded, "Oh they're just babies, they are oblivious." To which the judge's frown deepened and he said, "Your daughter is seven and one of your son's is five, they are not babies and they are absorbing more than you realize." WH just nodded with embarrassment and stayed silent.

The judge asked about our jobs and what we did. He then turned to my lawyer and asked where we stood, she told him she had filed for default and wanted to proceed with a court date or to have WH and I mediate and sign on the bottom line (effectively making us legally D.) He said we had until June 15th to sort it or we would have another case management hearing. He then asked me how I felt the children were doing, I told him they were starting to ask some questions and I felt they sensed something. The judge turned to my WH and said, "I agree, Mr. WH, you need to realize they are no longer 'babies' and pay more attention to them." I literally bit my lip to keep from laughing in his face.

Afterward WH and I talked to my lawyer and she gave WH her card so he could submit his financial affidavit to her to file to the courts. While walking out WH asked if I had birthday plans for the evening and I told him probably not. He then said he wanted to go out with his friends to "decompress." I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

I left and picked up lunch to have with my cousin. I spent the afternoon with him (dozing on and off) and then went to a job interview at 3pm. When I returned home WH was getting out of the shower and left very quickly to go golfing with his friends. I spent a lovely evening with my kids and went to bed early snuggled up with them. This has to rank as one of the more weird birthdays of my life.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Sara, Happy Birthday! I guess at least your husband's actions (or lack thereof) have been exposed and he can no longer ignore the divorce proceedings. I'm glad you wanted to laugh, sigh, roll your eyes, etc.. rather than cry and sob. I'm sure your husband knows he's the loser in this situation. At least your kids have you and you have them.

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Don't be surprised if he comes back with yet another olive branch for reconciliation... Be prepared... How will you handle it? Each time you come back from a failed attempt at reconciliation, you emerge more broken than before... Please be careful with your heart...

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