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Ok perfect - I will look there. Thank you!

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Originally Posted By: HSK
Ok everyone tells me to step away and he will follow. To detach and he will miss me. To get on with a life without him and he will wonder what he is missing.

Heres the thing....he might and he might not. But, either way, you will come out ahead. You can only control yourself, and if you choose to become the best HSK that you can, then it's his loss if he doesnt choose to follow. But chasing after him wont ever get him to turn around.

Originally Posted By: HSK
Is that true? He told me that the only women he ever really wanted were the ones who didnít want him. That just seems unhealthy. Does it change? Does it become mutual in time? I donít want a life of cat and mouse. I want a healthy, mutual relationship. I want something stable and committed. Is that where this leads?

Isnt that kind of true for everyone? That we value the things we dont have more than what we do? Not necessarily just regarding relationships, but in general. Striving for the nicest house, the best car, that new technology toy, whatever it is. How about so many of the people here that now cant live without their spouse even though they may have treated that same spouse poorly when they had the chance to have that relationship.

Originally Posted By: HSK
I do realize that we both need to change and I am willing to do the hard work. I guess it is the only choice I really have. I might just as well hold my nose and get on with it.

Couldnt agree more!

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Originally Posted By: HSK
Well he doesnít beat me.


I've never understood why people who have been subjected to horrible mental abuse use that line to defend their abuser. Just because he hasn't laid a hand on you does not mean he doesn't "beat" you.

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If I am vulnerable he lashes out. It enrages him. He screams at me I canít be there for you. He will start to belittle the relationship - you are never satisfied, I am giving all of the time, the more I give the more you need. Then it turns to me - you are pathetic, you could never make it without me. On it goes, anger, contempt vitriol. I will try to reason with him. I might say: ďthatís not true, you have been there for me many times, I just need a little affection right now. I know you care about me, I am sorry but I am hurting and I just need some comfort.

Reasoning enrages him further. Then he will tell me he canít be with me, that he never wants to speak to me again. That it is over. He will scream until he loses his voice.


That is some ugly, nasty abuse. Maybe you're too close to the situation to realize it, but that is wrong and you do not deserve that kind of treatment.

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Sometimes if he really completely loses it he becomes calm, and loving. He curls up in my arms and falls asleep. Mostly he just stays angry, seething under the surface, for days and sometimes a week or more.


He has some serious issues and needs help. Unfortunately you can't tell him that because he'll just explode all over again. You really need out of that situation. Are you seeing a counselor?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks - some wise word here. Not what the romantic in me want to hear but . . . It is what the romantic in me needs to hear!

Is is naive to believe that you can have a mutual relationship? One where you are both committed? I hear you and fear you are right, and hope there really is a healthy alternative.

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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Originally Posted By: HSK
Well he doesnít beat me.


I've never understood why people who have been subjected to horrible mental abuse use that line to defend their abuser. Just because he hasn't laid a hand on you does not mean he doesn't "beat" you.

I can help here. I was physically abused. The physical part of it makes it impossible to ignore as abuse. The emotional part of it you can blame on yourself or your perception- it is easier to minimize and question. Even now, hearing your support, I still am not sure it isnít all my fault.

That is some ugly, nasty abuse. Maybe you're too close to the situation to realize it, but that is wrong and you do not deserve that kind of treatment

Thank you for that ! It helps.

He has some serious issues and needs help. Unfortunately you can't tell him that because he'll just explode all over again. You really need out of that situation. Are you seeing a counselor?


I am - just started. I hope it helps!

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I donít know why it is just so hard. I feel like if I walk away that it is my weakness and shortcoming that caused this dynamic. I can only stay if he lets me stay. It feels like no matter what I do I am broken and wrong. I know my thinking Iíd flawed. I am not sure how.

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Originally Posted By: HSK
I donít know why it is just so hard. I feel like if I walk away that it is my weakness and shortcoming that caused this dynamic. I can only stay if he lets me stay. It feels like no matter what I do I am broken and wrong. I know my thinking Iíd flawed. I am not sure how.


Granted all I know about your sitch is what I'm reading here, but just based on this broad brushstroke it sounds like you are the victim of abuse. It is common for those subjected to abuse to feel like they are the one doing something wrong, that THEY are the guilty party, that they DESERVE the treatment they've gotten. Usually they feel that way because the abuser is a master of controlling and manipulating and has used that to lay all guilt on the abused party. That's why I was asking if you are seeing a counselor, they can help you dissect this better than we can here.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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I am just so alone. I feel like I am going to disappear.

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Originally Posted By: HSK
I am just so alone. I feel like I am going to disappear.


Go to your doctor right away and get evaluated for depression. I'm not qualified to diagnose depression but that sounds EXACTLY like how I felt when I went through it and years ago when my XW went through it she said the same thing. Depression is debilitating and even life-threatening, and it won't go away on its own. If you're in depression then it's important you get medical help ASAP.


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HSK,

Please listen to AnotherStander and seek some support. It is very important that you find people you trust right now, but also that you get some professional help. YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

I put that in all caps, not because I am yelling it at you, but because I want to emphasize it's importance. One of the most complicated things about being the victim of abuse, is that you lack the ability to see it for what it is. It is codependent, mentally exhausting, and isolating, and it is also hard for others to understand or even know how to help you.

I can see this very clearly because I was in your position for about 6 years (on/off) with a boyfriend when I was younger. He never beat me, hit me or even put a hand on me. But he was very emotionally abusive and manipulative, I could not see it for what it was until years after, and I felt that I needed him to be okay. I could have written many of your words verbatim.

My perspective is some ways might be different than others in that I try not to talk about the other person as an "abuser," "manipulator," or to describe them in terms that seem judgemental and offensive. I could easily describe my old BF as a monster, but the reality is that I loved him for many years. I felt alone because people did not understand why or how I could love him. We even had a child together. This was many years ago, and my D is almost 20, and he has recently died. I later learned (I did leave him when she as a baby) that he was quite mentally ill. Whatever the reason was for his emotional abuse, it still did not make it acceptable.

I am not going to tell you not to care for him and even love him. I am going to tell you that he is not safe for you. While your physical safety may not be compromised, your mental health is. And you have already been harmed. The affects of this, and PTSD, can last for some time, but they can be healed. The healing starts when you leave the relationship. You leave this relationship not because you don't love him, we hear that you do, but because you understand this is not a healthy love.

I can read in your writing that this is not healthy love. You cannot change him or fix this. People can only look at themselves and change themselves. In healthy love we are not alone, we are not yelled at, we are not afraid, we do not feel that we need to be or act a certain way, we are not afraid our partner will withhold love, affection, or punish us in any way. In healthy love we do not feel controlled or feel a need to control them. In healthy love we are free to be ourselves and we love the other person for who they are. It is never perfect, but it is safe. There isn't fear, but there is freedom.

I am in no way an expert on abusive relationships, how to get out of them, and the healing that needs to happen afterwards. I am however a person that has been in one and successfully gotten out of one and healed from one. I left this BF 18 years ago and now I think it's unfortunate I wasted so much of my life on him. I wish I had valued myself more than that. I very much hope you can do the same. Please start off by finding people you trust and can be honest with and please find a therapist or counselor to help guide you. There are also many great books on ending codependence.

Keep posting. We are not here to judge, but we are here to help you! We all have our own battle scars.

Blu


ďForgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.Ē Ė Nelson Mandela
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