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A Message from Michele
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Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: Gordie] #2782980
03/27/18 06:13 AM
03/27/18 06:13 AM
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Gordie,

I am concerned you are going to let her slowly inch her way back into the family life like nothing happened.

Are you going to look the other way regarding the affairs?

I am a strong believer that she has to earn another chance with you. If the work is not done, IMO you will be back here in a couple years.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: LH19] #2782986
03/27/18 06:23 AM
03/27/18 06:23 AM
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Sotto Offline
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Hi Gordie, I think the best way just now is to keep the focus on you and not be watching for steps and signs. Focus on your own growth as a man, and a father and a partner - for the future.

Now isn't the time to let down your guard and expect more. She's not there yet - and not really close to being there IMHO and from all that you have posted.

You are in 'housemate' territory - and for now I would be grateful that she is still there - and divorce was paused - that's all good.

But as for the rest of your focus? Keep it largely on you. There is work for her to do yet...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: Sotto] #2783021
03/27/18 09:16 AM
03/27/18 09:16 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,516
California US
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CaliGuy Offline
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Gordie

Caught up a bit on you and pulled this out

Quote:
So struggling a bit with feelings that w is taking advantage of me. She’s taking advantage of my kindness and loyalty and always being there and doing whatever she wants with no consequences and...I don’t know...I guess this is where the forgivnesss comes in


So I will tell you, back in Mar15 when my mlcr had her moment of clarity (Seems to always be in Mar as she is showing another one currently but less severe) I was about where you are now, maybe a little ahead as she was actively scrambling to save the M by looking at couple retreats, being completely trasnparent when it came to OM, their history and how it ended (So I thought)

So the feelings I had at the time I compared to this: It was like you moved from your old house ... a house you didn't care for and boxed everything up and put it in the attic. Now you find yourself in a new house and you need something from those boxes ... trick is you are not sure which box it is. So you timidly bring all those boxes down and start unpacking them, in a way this is forcing you to confront things you really do not want to ... the resentment, the betrayal, the justice of it all just seems so unfair. Why does she get to rip up the family, have her affair and then expect to just come right back in as if nothing ever happened right? Yup ... I lived that ... like you I struggled to let go of that.
I forced her to thow out anything that even made me think of OM, the bed .. gone ... the Christmas tree I did not recognize .. gone ... that nice blouse I was certain she bought for him .. gone. I was secretly still punishing her along the way but using my hurt as an excuse, had little to do with that ... I wanted justice and wanted her to hurt as I did.

You have to get to a point where the past is the past, and look at now and the future. You have already experienced the hell and the worst that could happen in a marriage. If she darts back in the tunnel or if she works on herself you have no control over this. Just keep working on you and focus on that.

Another tip I will give you .... if on a date and it seems you have a choice to decide whether to go home, eat, coffee .. you choose ... Lead as a Husband and man would lead and make the choice for the both of you. You will need to lead a bit more and guide her in many ways .. doing this is like a small GAL but for you both ... you will understand this more later.


M: 44
W: 44
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: Gordie] #2783067
03/27/18 11:04 PM
03/27/18 11:04 PM
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bttrfly Offline
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My thought is if you are asking then the answer is, “not yet.”


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: bttrfly] #2783182
03/28/18 10:46 PM
03/28/18 10:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
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Gordie Offline OP
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Gordie  Offline OP
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LH19,

I ask myself that question all the time? Am I just letting her off easy with no consequences? But I thought I was not the one to give consequences? Should she have to earn her way back? What does that even mean? This is what I discussed with d b coach. She isn’t doing any of the “steps” that one desires to see: remorse, acknowledging the error of one’s ways. So I am being patient. Does that make me a doormat?

Sotto,

I think you are right. Focus still needs to be one me, not her. Keep expectations low. Stop hoping for the big signs and just keep living my life which is still pretty awesome all things considered.

Cali,

You are always spot on. I love that anaology of the boxes from the attic. Wow. It hits the nail on the head. But here’s the big question: how do you get to that point where the past is the past? Isn’t that sweeping it under the rug? I clearly still am angry and agitated about all that had passed.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: Gordie] #2783183
03/28/18 11:06 PM
03/28/18 11:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
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Gordie Offline OP
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Gordie  Offline OP
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Butterfly,

Agree. Not yet ready to open myself up. Guard is still firmly up.

Journaling:

So my little guy is expressing himself. One day, w came to a kid event separately from me and came in late and sat in the back. That was fine with me. Little guy goes to the back and takes her hand and walks her up to where the rest of us are sitting. Another day, I come home from work and give him a hug and he tells me: you should hug mom. And then another day we are eating dinner and he asks about OM2. No one has spoken his name in a few months. I say nothing. W says nothing.

This whole thing remind me of The Emporer Has No Clothes.

Another note: w has recently been wearing her ring again. I still do not wear my ring. We have not spoken of this. If asked, what do I say? I don’t feel like putting it on again because I don’t feel she has fully recommitted to the M. I feel like this is currently a M of convenience for her. It currently serves her purposes. This temporary state will end either in a recommitment to M or D. It will not last forever. I am choosing to hang in here, for now, in the hopes that she continues to work on herself and that one day she will be able to work on the M. On my glass half full days, I do feel as if she is making her baby steps and testing the waters.

Last note for today: I had another sleepless night last night. Only 3 or 4 hours of sleep and I have a big day ahead of me today. It’s gonna be a big coffee day.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: Gordie] #2783221
03/29/18 02:06 AM
03/29/18 02:06 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,939
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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It's really REALLY hard to stop focusing on the weakest link, the MLCr, and put the focus back on yourself.

When you say you're hanging in there for now. . . ok. what are YOU doing while she's making her baby steps? I'm sure it's not the case (I hope it's not the case) but lately when I read some of your posts it feels like you're in observation/wait and see mode. I think it's to your detriment, if that's the case.

* What are your current GALs?
* What are your short term and long term goals for yourself, Gordie the man (not Gordie the LBS, not Gordie the dad, not Gordie the friend or employee)?
* In what ways are you challenging yourself?
* In what ways are you changing the person who was left behind?
* In what ways are you working on yourself so that you are someone only a fool would choose to divorce?

These have nothing to do with your w and everything to do with you. By being passive and watching you are indeed letting go of the personal power you took back months ago.

Put another way: while this situation may be for w's convenience, it is also for yours. Focus on what you want, how you want to live, who you want to be or become. You might find that you really don't want w. You might find that you really do. For sure, you will find yourself.

much love
#teamGordie


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: bttrfly] #2783231
03/29/18 02:57 AM
03/29/18 02:57 AM
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bttrfly Offline
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Gord - hope I wasn't too harsh or out of line xoxoxoxo b.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: Gordie] #2783248
03/29/18 04:56 AM
03/29/18 04:56 AM
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LH19 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
I ask myself that question all the time? Am I just letting her off easy with no consequences? But I thought I was not the one to give consequences? Should she have to earn her way back? What does that even mean?


G,

First off all choices have consequences good or bad.

What I mean is if there is no remorse, no apology, no hard work nothing will change. This will not happen until she fears she might lose you or she misses you.

You are in soul suching limbo again, and I know first hand that is the worst place in the world to be.

I have always believed you had a good chance at recon if you could ever get to a place where you let her go.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Gordie #18: still not divorced [Re: LH19] #2783281
03/29/18 08:05 AM
03/29/18 08:05 AM
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Hi Gordie,
Ditto on what Bttrfly stated above...

Regarding this-
"Another note: w has recently been wearing her ring again. I still do not wear my ring. We have not spoken of this. If asked, what do I say? I don’t feel like putting it on again because I don’t feel she has fully recommitted to the M. I feel like this is currently a M of convenience for her. It currently serves her purposes. "

How about ---"I don't feel like putting it on again, because I don't know if I've recommitted to the marriage." That's taking ownership of your thoughts and feelings regardless of her behavior. It might sting to say because deep down you want the marriage, but it's you leading the way for yourself.

As always, rooting for you.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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