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Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: bttrfly] #2782678
03/24/18 10:54 AM
03/24/18 10:54 AM
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Washington
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ciluzen Offline
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ciluzen  Offline
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Posts: 956
Washington
Those triggers, tho...

Triggers are everywhere after spending so much time sharing a life together and learning what special things make someone happy. Its hard not to see, hear or smell things and have that emotional link follow.

I'm glad those thoughts are getting better with time. Mine are still there...so I took a cue from XH and tried a few on for size. I noticed he was visiting a few of my favorite places and trying some of my habits on so why not? Then they become my thing, and in some cases, they really did. That caused a cognitive take-over. Now papaya is my special treat and skiing is a great way for me to exercise in the winter.

Bttrfly, I love how you feel your feelings,think about them and share, and then try to process through them, sharing so eloquently on this board. You are brave and thoughtful, supportive and kind. I always look for a post from you when I come to the boards, because I know there will be something to carry me through the day, even if it is just a thought about your own actions. I'm glad those triggers are not as bad as they used to be. ((((bttrfly))))


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: ciluzen] #2783239
03/29/18 03:48 AM
03/29/18 03:48 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,935
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,935
Massachusetts
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
Those triggers, tho...

Triggers are everywhere after spending so much time sharing a life together and learning what special things make someone happy. Its hard not to see, hear or smell things and have that emotional link follow.


No kidding. Does get better with time tho.

Originally Posted By: Ciluzen

I'm glad those thoughts are getting better with time. Mine are still there...so I took a cue from XH and tried a few on for size. I noticed he was visiting a few of my favorite places and trying some of my habits on so why not? Then they become my thing, and in some cases, they really did. That caused a cognitive take-over. Now papaya is my special treat and skiing is a great way for me to exercise in the winter.


NICE!! I think your exh has always remained fairly tied to you. Mine has not. I have not taken on his hobbies - but have tried to take on some of the responsibilities that were truly his, like car maintenance, so I could be competent in these areas.

Originally Posted By: Ciluzen

Bttrfly, I love how you feel your feelings,think about them and share, and then try to process through them, sharing so eloquently on this board. You are brave and thoughtful, supportive and kind. I always look for a post from you when I come to the boards, because I know there will be something to carry me through the day, even if it is just a thought about your own actions. I'm glad those triggers are not as bad as they used to be. ((((bttrfly))))


Cil, you have no idea what that means to me! Truly! For many years of my early life it was very hard for me to feel my feelings, they were so intense and overwhelming. This observation makes me feel like I've worked hard and achieved a measure of peace with life on life's terms. Thank you so much for saying that. I'm humbled.

So, I had to pick something up for son at the drug store yesterday, and ran into the dad of one of his former team mates. We (exh and I) loved this guy and his family. Our boys played hockey together for several years, right up till high school. In fact, he would always come sit with us during games and would joke about interrupting our date night, as exh and I were usually holding hands.

He asked how exh was ... and was absolutely shocked when I told him we're D. Usually when asked I've said, "fine, in California this week" or something like that. I'm not sure why I dropped the pretense, but it felt good to and I was able to be very honest and matter of fact (genuinely so) about it. We had a fairly long discussion. Poor man was truly upset about my sitch. His FOO was tough to navigate - much like my Exh's - but the difference is that this guy actually got help in his early 30s, before he met his wife, and did the internal work. Gave me hope though that maybe son will be able to do the same in time.

I post this for a couple of reasons.

* I felt a measure of freedom I didn't expect by being honest about our sitch. I know this guy isn't going to blab anything I told him - he and his w aren't like that, which is one reason we liked them so much - but it was more than that. I feel like I've reached a deeper level of acceptance that this is our sitch and will be moving forward, and I'm ok with it.

* It was nice to see someone from my old life with whom I shared pleasant memories and not get totally messed up. That part of my life was real. It did exist in the world, not in my mind. The gas lighting attempts to justify leaving three years ago were truly just that. Not that I didn't already know it, but validation is nice every so often.

* I really am ok. For so long I didn't think I would be.

Another thing that happened a few days ago is that I got a long series of unexpected text messages from exh re: some financial aid stuff that he's dragging his feet on. After 20 minutes or more, I finally just called him and said, "Let me answer your questions. I don't want to keep texting as I'm pressed for time," which was true. We had a reasonable conversation, and are on the same page about some things related to son which is comforting to learn.

Exh also followed through on an email he was supposed to send to my college planner, and we exchanged emails with information about specific schools son was accepted to. This may sound like nothing special, but given what's been going on for the past 3 years, it's a welcome change. It doesn't raise my expectations in any way, but I do appreciate it for what it was.

Looking ahead - Easter is loaded for me - he BD'd the morning after. Anniversaries have always been tough for me. This year, we'll see. I'm trying to do things differently, not let the memories go so much as transform the part that painful, and let that part go so I can hold on to the parts that are good and had/have meaning.

That's all I've got. My ex-BIL will be joining us for dinner Sunday, as will Mom and Dad and any friends who care to drop in. I have a full day of training on Saturday, which will be somewhat challenging, given all I have to do to have a house full the next day, but I will manage. I still have so much more to do, including three major financial things to finish in the next week or so, and not enough time. Somehow it will all work out, I suppose. If I need to take a day, I will.

Anyway, wishing all a blessed weekend, regardless of what religious holiday you'll be celebrating.

xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. - Rumi
Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: bttrfly] #2783334
03/29/18 04:33 PM
03/29/18 04:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
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Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2016
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USA
Butterfly,

Like Ciluzen said and Im sure so many here feel, I always read your updates because I find your openness and healing so very inspiring. I rarely feel that I can offer you any decent advice as you seem to have yourself a lot more together than I do, so dont want to mislead you! Anyway, Im glad you had an improved interaction with XH. Re your interaction with your old friend, Im so very glad that you were able to just say that. I only have a small circle with which I can just be honest and it is a relief. For everyone else, they get something generic to just deflect the line of inquiry. Happy Easter to you too. Enjoy your son and your guests.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: Gordie] #2783495
03/31/18 09:10 AM
03/31/18 09:10 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 703
I
Irish M Offline
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Irish M  Offline
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I
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 703
Have a great Easter Bttrfly
new memories are the best.


M50
XW42 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 via text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters with me
D15 and D18
Her divorce was Final July 26 2016
She hasn't seen her kids since Aug 2 2015
Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: Irish M] #2783567
04/01/18 12:44 PM
04/01/18 12:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,935
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,935
Massachusetts
thx.
Easter has been ... eh.
the positives:

* dinner was delicious, mom and dad, son and ex-bil all enjoyed themselves.

* I texted ex-h and set a firm limit - thanked him for letting son have dinner with me (it's the day son is supposed to go to exh's for the week) and said I would be happy to drop him off after dinner. Exh said he was fine picking son up. I said,"pls don't take this the wrong way but Easter is very difficult for me and I would prefer not to see you today."

It took a lot for me to say that. We left it that son would call when I left to take my folks home.

the negatives:

* dad had a minor setback and a very difficult time navigating around. It's made me come to a tough decision: they will not come to son's graduation. It's far too much given his current state. Confirmation was a disaster and he was in better shape then. Son is fine as he doesn't want to go to his own graduation. We will have a nice dinner together after instead.

* I still had some stuff to work through as i prepped for the day. it's natural from what i've been told, and it was certainly not as intense as past years, but still - i'm feeling more like i'm going through the motions than that i'm actually celebrating a holiday i used to love. I think that my goal for next year will be to consciously re-claim Easter. I intend to do so, but there's far too much on the table right now to start any re-claiming.

* even though i specifically said i don't want to see you and that Easter is difficult (which is good - he needs to know that he can't just waltz in and greet my parents like nothing happened), I don't like that I feel this hardness where my heart is. I accept that this is where I'm at right now, but I don't intend to stay here.

Finally, son called me as I was driving home to check on me and make sure I was doing ok after dropping off my folks. We had a nice chat, and I ended up picking him up because he'd forgotten something at my place that he needed. He shared some observations about the dynamic between ex-bil and exh. Astute kid. Good lessons for him to learn.

Anyway, i must go because i'm on a deadline for a magazine article - i've been invited to submit something to a new online magazine in my field. i'm very excited but up against it.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. - Rumi
Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: bttrfly] #2784292
04/06/18 05:28 AM
04/06/18 05:28 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,935
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline OP
Member
bttrfly  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,935
Massachusetts
Hey all.
Three years ago today my exh BD'd me and my world imploded.

So here I am, three years later. I'm a lot wiser. I'm in a better place. I'm grateful that I no longer have to live with a MLCr. I may not be where I thought I'd be, but I'm sure as h3!! not as unhappy as I was 3 years ago, and that's the God's honest truth.

My son has not fared so well. There's damage. I pray he will address it in time. Right now he's pretty resistant.

The MLCr appears to be still in the throes of whatever he's going through. I couldn't tell you what stage he's in or anything like that as I have nothing to do with him except an occasional text/email or phone call pertaining to our son.

I was a lot more upset leading up to today than I am on the actual day, today, of BD.

So I guess what I'm saying is DO YOU. It gets better. Leave 'em to it. You're not going to be able to do a D@mn thing to fix them, rescue them or make them happy. DO YOU. Take care of yourself and your children. That's all that matters really. That's where you can affect real change.

Thanks to all who were here before and to all who have helped me get here.

Carpe Diem!


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. - Rumi
Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: bttrfly] #2784325
04/06/18 08:17 AM
04/06/18 08:17 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,095
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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Posts: 15,095
Amen!

Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: kml] #2784334
04/06/18 09:35 AM
04/06/18 09:35 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
CA
M
mleigh4 Offline
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mleigh4  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
CA
Yes, yes and yes! Reinventing yourself is one of the gifts we get from this mess.

BD seems to get easier as each year comes and goes. Pamper yourself today.

(((Bttrfly)))
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: mleigh4] #2784364
04/06/18 03:33 PM
04/06/18 03:33 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,739
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,739
So very true. (((Bttrfly)))


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Grow where you're planted [Re: DnJ] #2784387
04/07/18 01:29 AM
04/07/18 01:29 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
I completely agree Bttrfly and good for you. The 'focus on you' advice can start to sound a little glib sometimes, we say it so much. But there is a reason it is said, because it truly does work. Let go or be dragged and shift the focus - heal you and heal your life.

If we follow this advice, we really can't go too far wrong - whatever the MLCer may be up to.

Take care and hope you have a lovely weekend xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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