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25

He went Alaskan, and now he stays there.

It's some kind of Karma.

Go do cartwheels, snuggle your guy, kiss the kids, drink vino and hear me cheer for you.

You are FREE.

FREE

FREE

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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cool

Thank you V. Means a lot.

In the final analysis, there comes a time when we must simply accept reality. (Oh how I resisted this!)

Back in my first DB days, I was just incapable of seeing that ex h was NOT as invested in our family and marriage as I was. I could not see that, I had explanations for his behaviors and incessantly asked "WHY??? How could he do this?? Please untangle this skein for me..." I imagined there was a reason behind his choices, other than the most obvious one (I once told d28, when she was 16, and h went off on his first Alaskan misadventure, that he was "confused and priorities were out of place", to which she said she thought "he is not confused, he's just selfish."

I rejected her statement and argued with her. (Seriously! WTF was I on?? HOPIUM!)

If he lied, if he lied by omission, if he lashed out in anger, I always, always decoded wrongly. I'd imagine his shame and remorse as the reason behind his hiding/lying.

(I'm not sure he felt much remorse but at Retrovaille he did for a few hours and I clung to that evidence as PROOF that he still cared!!! And he did...and then he chose himself, again. And seethed with resentment when he did not get his way, but never expressed it in decipherable ways)

His lashing out was ---- guilt!?! I could "love him through this". I pretzeled myself to make sense of his choices b/c I did not accept what is now obvious.

I was wrong, and I see that now.

When I first realized how wrong I was, I was devastated by "all the wasted years". I thought if you love someone deeply and suddenly it hits you that they really truly mistreated you, and you stayed anyhow...well,

THEN you think YOU are a fool, or you deserved it, -b/c if the person you loved the most in the world AND whom you assumed loved you most in the world, rejects or mistreats you, it's about you, right?

YOU must not be the good person you thought. All those flaws in YOU must be really big and numerous and you are, in effect, unworthy of loyalty and love. There must be other horrible things about you that THEY saw and could not love anymore...this is a devastating belief...OR there's something really weak in you to endure the mistreatment.

The past 16 months I have processed and experienced all of these^^^ reactions. I have dug deep and truthfully as best I can. I may discover more later,

but at this point, here's my summary:

I know that a terrible injustice has been done to me. Some nights (when the cognitive guards & awareness are lowered), I get sucked into the stomach punched feelings all over again. It feels sickening.

But in the daytime, when I am clear headed, I understand 2 things.

1) MOST people in the world have had graver injustices done to them, and yet they go on. And so must we.

It's not just saying "Hey it could be worse". No, it's saying "let's learn from these others about why they are happy NOW, given the terrible things done to them. How do they get past the crapstorm of injustice done to them? How are they happy, now? How can I do the same?"


AND

2) I have X number of years left on earth. That's simply true. So I ask myself how I want to spend those years. Seems there are 2 options:

a) I can spend those years staring at the pain my ex inflicted on me and our beautiful innocent children. I can ask and wonder when it's going to be "fair", when will Karma kick him in the stomach, when will ex h & OW suffer for the damage they have done?

I can keep Looking at their lives to gauge how MY life is going. I can continue to wonder about the "contest" equation...

how and when will I "WIN"?
When will it be fair?


h has a very consistent history of NOT seeing or admitting the damage he inflicts on others (and that is really a narcissistic trait in him). And he tended to repeat mistakes, so you have to wonder what he ever learned when it came to HIS choices affecting others. Maybe nothing. But it tells me that a reconciliation (even post divorce- which has happened in my family) is impossible b/c he learns nothing from his past mistakes and the reason he won't reconnect with our children (meaningfully, I mean) is b/c he won't see or admit or humbly ask for forgiveness for, HIS mistakes and the pain HE inflicted on them.

So it's never going to be "fair" in this^^^ sense.


OR

b) I can spend these remaining years making the most out of my time on earth. To take
ex h out of my equation and remove him from my own contest.

I'd do this at first, for my children to see and learn from. They will face setbacks and heartbreak in their lives. They must learn to know that they can be happy and successful, again.

And I do this new "me only" equation for ME, b/c I deserve happiness, respect and appreciation from the people in my life.


It's totally & exclusively up to me to create that, going forward. I have moments wherein I feel very betrayed, (moments that keep me up at night about 2 x a week, down from 6 nights a week).

As time passes, there are more and more times where I feel what you say, Vanilla, which is

I AM FREE. For the first time in my adult life, I am not married to a sometimes charming but always taking, man. It's a change forced upon me in a brutal way, but there IS an upside, a choice, to embrace change. It is the only way to face this in a healthy way.


No more disrespect, no more self doubting questions about what motivates or soothes the xh. No more "itchy sweater questions about whether he's "really all in".

No more hurtful gut punches - b/c even if he marries OW tomorrow (or already has. Who knows?) - it's NOT in my sandbox. It's not about me. Nothing to suggest happiness or greatness for them, and nothing to suggest otherwise.

Totally out of my control and totally NOT about me. I know this, now. It took a long time to release the illusion of my ability to affect his choices.

HE IS NOT ON MY PATH.


MY future is on my path, my work is in MY sandbox and not his sandbox.
I will not measure, though I will backslide. After each backslide, I will get back on my path.
I will have fewer backslides and in time, very few.

(I think it's a bit Like meditation, in which you lose track of your centeredness or deep breathing, and your inner peace, but then you go right back to it. The journey back to peace IS part of this process and it's a goal in itself.

XH and I were once on a path together in life.

Somewhere along the way, he took a turn off the path. We had our son and my path was modified b/c I adjusted to being a mother in a way that accommodated parenting. H did not. He sought out his goals as if no child or competing needs existed. I really didn't get that, b/c he SAID WORDS to the effect of still being on the same path, or a parallel path that would reconnect to our joint path, "right around the next corner/after this next job/training year/move", his goals meant a life time of deferred gratification for others, never admitted...never acknowledged.

--- And I did not see & accept that he was on a different path until it was blindingly, painfully obvious. **

*(That was due to my projecting MY values onto him, still believing he was as invested in "us" as I had always been. That somehow he was confused, or the right path was blocked by distractions and confusion on his end, that he just didn't realize he was off of the "right path" and he was on some crazy "MLC path"... but that he WOULD absolutely awaken)

I never believed that he was simply too selfish & entitled to be a fair husband or committed father. I see this now.

Now, Whatever HE is doing or wherever HE is going, is unknown. And impossible to decipher anyhow.

I'm on my path, and he's not, and that's all I need to know.



MY path is the journey of self discovery one makes when - for the first time in their life they are on their own.

Yes I am terrified, and Yes I am very curious and Yes I am increasingly thrilled.

This is me feeling free. This is me feeling brave.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Thank you 25. this was very well written. and I am glad I saw your post Our Friend Lady V uses and expression that I will paraphrase, once seen can never be unseen.

it is our denial and fear to actually look with open eyes at what has been going on in our lives, all those years, that holds us back.

you have finally seen the light of truth. proud you were brave enough to take those steps to free you of what was holding you back.


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
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A few thoughts on Karma.

Karma, isn't what we think it is or expect it to be. It isn't pay back inflicted from the outside in. Karma is from the inside out.

Karma is reality and it bites.

Karma is an empty heart, not an empty wallet.

Karma is not a wedding ring or failed R, Karma is being incapable of having intimacy that is real. Karma is failure to connect to your children but love bombing other children.

Karma is pretence and not authenticity.

Karma is having a mask with no true personality not being superficially charming.

Karma has already arrived and was there all along. If you look very careful your ex is already in Karma.

Waste, all of this isn't waste, nor was your love, for you 25 had love and hope. You stood because you needed and wanted to and that was your desire at the time. You did the best you could with the insights you had at that time, you have beautiful children. You had love. Love is never a waste not ever.

You can beat yourself up if you wish, nothing will change about the past, it is as it is. It is gone never to return. The love stays with you, it was love for you too and the fact it fell on Alaskan wastes does not mean it wasn't real or valuable. It has the value you gave it, and actually it doesn't matter who that div is, because you are the love you gave, it is in your very cells and being. You have the treasure in your heart and that is the very best it can be.

And now you are free, it's unfamiliar, but the gift of love is not unfamiliar. Choose to see the ability to love as the greatest of all gifts. Love and freedom what a combination. You dearest 25 have the most important thing of all, yourself.

Celebrate, it is going to be glorious, I Internet promise.

Post traumatic growth beckons for you, I see it clearly for you. And it is rare, embrace your shift, your higher power is connecting for great growth.

Those are my thoughts and as the impressive Zephyr says, now you know and can never unknow.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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((( thank you both )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
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I'm glad to read that you are feeling how you do and have come out the other side.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
Very good points on how marriage is handled legally. Obviously, I think the legal system has tried to run away from making marriage more binding because it involves affairs of the heart. Once you get feelings involved, logic usually goes out the window.

I'm not sure you can ever remove emotion from a marriage or ending one. We think we are being fair, but fairness is something that requires a 3rd party unless somehow both parties agree.

I hear about "amicable divorces" - but I don't personally know anyone who says they had that experience.

I've often said that the problem with marriage these days is that it is too easy to get into, and too easy to get out of. If you made it more difficult you'd see the divorce rate plummet.



For me, divorce was much harder than I expected. Much more expensive and much more personally tortuous, much more gut wrenching to read his pleadings (& it as a no fault divorce!),


So much more painful than I could have guessed...I suspect that for xh, it was also much worse than he expected. I have heard that he looked unwell and and seemed very sad, but I'll never know why or what was happening in his head/heart.

I like to think if xh had known what would happen to his r's with our children that he'd do things very differently. I certainly hope so.

OTOH, I learned things about xh that I could not have known before hand, or without this grueling ordeal.

And now that I know these^^^ things, it's best for me to be without xh. He's capable of great cruelty and deceit.

So it's darn hard to say we should be together.

Somewhat paradoxically, I also know with all my heart that my xh has lost a woman who was loyal and who loved him as no other woman will or could.

(We endured years of poverty so he could pursue a 2nd career in medicine, & we had children while I was in law school and while he was in medical school...the first 9 years of marriage, one of us was in professional school and then he had 5 more years of training, with relentlessly long hours, again.

We buried 3 parents, moved countless times (always for him). I hear women "joke" (not) that they want to "marry a rich doctor". Well, It's easy to marry a board certified specialist physician. It's not so easy to marry a student so poor we lived in a mobile home for 3 years...but I did. And I was crazy about him.

Anyway, as Vanilla said, I loved deeply and I really like that about myself. A lot. And I'm sure I will love again.

That's a big thing to know.




Of course, you'd also see a huge increase in the number of couples that just live together. Which statistically is another contributing factor to the divorce rate. (See the stats on couples that live together before marriage vs those that do not.)



Not to quibble, b/c I think I take your point. Still - I think the factor that binds some couples together more is having similar religious views. They need to have Similar views of the relationship and what it means to work on it, (and perhaps they probably tend not to live together before marriage - though this would be very hard to measure.)

I lived with xh before m. We were married 35 years. Our divorce had nothing to do with living together before marriage.

What is it you suggest couples do for before m? I think attending more pre marriage counseling is a good idea, but you'd both have to have similar views of marriage before hand. Hard to know, but you'd both have to measure progress or the condition of the marriage, the same way. If you reconcile with your wife, I suggest this be a major focus b/c if you don't have the same gauge for measuring, how would you KNOW things are good or bad or so so?

In our case, xh became atheist about 5 years ago (that I know of. Maybe it happened earlier and he did not share that with me).

xh's behavior changed and his poor choices were solidified by losing his faith.

Not sure which happened first, losing his faith and then making selfish choices - or making the selfish choices and looking around to escape guilt by denying his moral compass. Nor am I saying THAT was it. But it was part of why we are divorced now.

It bothered me a lot at the time but in that situation there's just not a lot a spouse can do if the other one decides they no longer believe in God and sort of spring it on you. I think going to church together is a really good thing.

Not sure. But you know what?

Not my problem.
Never going to know what went on in him. I can wonder if he was always that selfish and hid it well, with the mask slipping later. Or just changed...

So I'll (again) repeat what Caroline Myss says -

"help me let go of the need to know why. I will never know why. And endless questioning is endless suffering."


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: Henwen
I'm glad to read that you are feeling how you do and have come out the other side.



Thanks Henwen. I will stop by your thread soon.

I wanted to comment on forgiveness and something I read that resonated.

Desmond Tutu - spoke about forgiveness. He and said that anger and even hate could be next to forgiveness. Betrayal stinks.

But he said that what really mattered was that We become better people on the other side of this ordeal than we were before it.

I feel as if I'm getting there. That matters to me.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
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What you said about H becoming an atheist struck a chord. My W also lost her faith, and things really changed around that time. Granted, she was going through a lot physically, but it makes me wonder. I went to a wedding last summer, and the priest mentioned that in couples that worship together, divorce is very, very rare. I can't confirm the accuracy of that statement, but if it's true, it helps put things in perspective.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
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That forgiveness quote is bang on. I'm seeing now as I don't play into stbxh games and anger I feel more at peace with myself. My therapist said that I need to look at stbxh as completely helpless. A prisoner of his own anxiety. And that has helped me tremendously


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
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