or CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly!
Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching DISCOUNT
SAVE$40 -- 3-SESSIONS for ONLY $350
- valid until June15

CALL 303-444-7004
or to order online at the Divorce Busting Store
use code SAVE$40

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
Re: Help! How can I get him to see what hes doing? [Re: JujuB] #2785004
04/11/18 03:19 PM
04/11/18 03:19 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 347
A
annab74 Offline
Member
annab74  Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 347
Spouses who are genuinely sorry and remorseful don't go back on what they say or try to bargain or push boundaries and see what they can get away with. When they are truly sorry and willing to do the work, they will be the one going above and beyond to ensure your comfort level, to make you feel secure, and do whatever it takes to keep you. Anything less than that is a spouse who is just cake eating...wanting the benefits you provide, without giving you the loyalty and commitment you deserve. Being willing to accept scraps of attention in hopes it will become more only emboldens a WS to keep doing just what he's doing. Who wouldn't want to have the best of both worlds when there are no consequences for their actions? This is the time to draw serious boundaries. Expect better for yourself.


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

[Re: BluWave] #2785453
04/15/18 09:41 AM
04/15/18 09:41 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
S
SarahW Offline OP
New Member
SarahW  Offline OP
New Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
Originally Posted By: BluWave

I am sorry this is happening. You seem to be trapped in a viscous cycle. Here is the thing, you cannot change the course of things, but you can jump out of this trap at any time. This is taking up a lot of mental energy and causing you stress. It's not okay. What he is doing is not okay. Listen to your your instincts about her and if he's being honest. They are right.


I feel like the most difficult part for me is jumping out of the trap. I know its a cycle, I know its a trap. I know he likes to see that I care and that this hurts me. Every time I gain enough confidence to jump out, I somehow stumble back in. Which then gives him more leverage.

Originally Posted By: BluWave

Sometimes sitches like yours are a more complicated because they are not obvious or black and white. He didn't up and leave, he doens't seem to be having an active A with her, and he isn't threatening D. That doesn't mean he is being a good H and giving you what this M needs. When someone is all in, they listen and deeply care for their S and they will do whatever it takes to mend it. Including cut off all contact with a coworker, change jobs, and provide full transparency. I don't see him doing that. I don't see him doing much of anything.


And he isn't doing much of anything. He's said he will find a new job, but he's applied to minimal jobs.. says it takes a lot of time. He will provide transparency when I ask.. but I've already told him I would prefer if he came to me to just show me. I hate having to build up the confidence to ask to see if something is going on. and from what I've read recently, everything sounds ok.. But like I've said I don't know if that just means he's gotten better at hiding things.

Things are "fine" for him when we just ignore everything and pretend like nothing has happened. But when I don't see any action I get upset and I cannot understand why he wants to say one thing, and then think he doesn't have to follow through or do anything.

Originally Posted By: BluWave

I don't know if your H is as aware as he says he is or is somewhat oblivious to how inappropriate his Rs are with women. He lacks boundaries and overall respect for you and the M. The thing is, I am not sure you can convince him. I tried for many years and my H did not get it! He thought he was just a nice guy, kinda felt sorry for this lady, and it did make his ego feel good.


Thats the other thing. I don't know what his intentions are. I don't know if he realizes he's disrespecting me and just doesn't care, or if he doesn't fully realize and things that he should be allowed to act however he wanted to when our relationship was secure. I don't think he fully understands that we are rocky ground and you shouldn't be acting in a certain way to continue to make the ground rocky, but instead you need to put in effort to straighten it out.

I feel like that's the other reason why I'm stuck in this still. I'm waiting for him to make the change. I want to know that I did everything I could to fix this... And I do feel like my impatience could be an issue.. But I also feel like there is clear tools and procedures required to start fixing things... But it's like he's not grabbing them.

I got upset with him today because he said Friday he was going to apply for jobs, he didn't. He says I might get to it today... What?! Might? I said I'm tired of him always finding something else to do instead of working on what is going to help us. He said I was being "too much" and that nothing has happened to make me upset. I said you're right, nothing has happened to make me not be upset, because you aren't doing the things you said you would. He's tried to come "talk" to me twice to see if I'm still angry about it, and I am. So he keeps saying that he doesn't know why I'm grumpy... and then when I start to reiterate my reason, he walks away. I know he's just waiting for the time that I sweep it under the rug and ignore things.

I know harassing him about jobs will not make him do it. I know reiterating what I've said and what we've agreed to will not make him do it. I know there is nothing I can say or do to change his mind. So I told him to either find another job, or find an apartment. He said he'll apply for jobs... 2 hours later, he hasn't done either.

I'm just so tired of being treated like a second thought.

Thank you all for your advice.

[Re: annab74] #2785455
04/15/18 09:44 AM
04/15/18 09:44 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
S
SarahW Offline OP
New Member
SarahW  Offline OP
New Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
Originally Posted By: annab74
Spouses who are genuinely sorry and remorseful don't go back on what they say or try to bargain or push boundaries and see what they can get away with. When they are truly sorry and willing to do the work, they will be the one going above and beyond to ensure your comfort level, to make you feel secure, and do whatever it takes to keep you. Anything less than that is a spouse who is just cake eating...wanting the benefits you provide, without giving you the loyalty and commitment you deserve. Being willing to accept scraps of attention in hopes it will become more only emboldens a WS to keep doing just what he's doing. Who wouldn't want to have the best of both worlds when there are no consequences for their actions? This is the time to draw serious boundaries. Expect better for yourself.


Yes, I totally agree. To me if I was on his end, everything seems so clear. This is what he told me, this is what I need to do, and I would do it if I wanted to make sure things worked out.
I don't think he's over his own issues. But I refuse to have "explore" again, when he did that in January and wanted to come home immediately.
I don't know what the best method would be for him to understand the boundaries and understand what he needs to do.

Re: [Re: SarahW] #2785523
04/16/18 03:39 AM
04/16/18 03:39 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
V
Vanilla Offline
Member
Vanilla  Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
Enforce the boundaries and consequences that is what it takes.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004