A View From the Other Side

[Dawgs]

I have a confession to make. Some of you will remember me talking about Birthday Party Girl (BPG). Well, that was a long, convoluted story that lasted much longer than it should have. I kept this hidden and only a select few know of this story, but I need to get it off my chest.

I became what we all hate in here. Yes, the OM. Our exes cheated and we were so self righteous about it. Stood on our high horse and quick to condemn them and belittle them to any who would listen. Maybe BPG was a lesson for me - and one I'm going to share with you.

See, it didn't start out that way. When I met and starting talking with BPG, she said they were separated. Turns out they were still married. The first time I laid eyes on her was at the school Christmas party back in 2016, said a few hi's and small talk. I remember thinking that this is one gorgeous woman. She was much younger than me, 27 at the time. But a few months later, the birthday party came along. We talked the entire time and honestly I don't remember anyone else being there. I gave her my number but she never called. Then the school Easter party came along and she was there. We talked more. It's like we'd known each other forever. We got along better than anyone I've ever experienced, save one. I asked her to lunch. She said no.

Then, later that month, there was another school function. This time my ex wife was there to see the kids. BPG was jealous. We talked forever and sort of left the ex by herself. She called me King Arthur because I was persistent. And I called her my Guinevere. Somehow that statement made her eyes light up. She friended me on Facebook. Then the conversations took off - thousands of texts, emails, and calls - we talked all the time. The more we talked, the more we found we had in common. She was my parallel - it soon became obvious that there was more than just a little connection.

I remember that day she first came to my house. We talked for an hour in the driveway. There was a tension there that was undeniable. She was standing just close enough that if one of us had made a move then, the gates would have burst open. She stood there looking up into my eyes, and me into hers. Nothing was said. I don't know how long we stood like that, but it was forever and yet it was a second. Then we started talking.

Time passed and she came over more and more. Every day. That's when I found out she was married - she confessed it to me, along with her love for me. Her marriage was ending (I found that out to be a fact later). By then, I was in too deep. My heart opened for her. So we kept on.

Then one day we crossed the line permanently. I remember the first time we made love. The passion between us was so great that it was like we couldn't get any closer. And I remember how we couldn't get enough of each other, even though we were in the middle of amazing sex.

She was like a drug. I couldn't get enough of her and loved her strongly. Almost on the HQ level.

I can remember that Saturday we were laying in bed. She was laying on top of me with her face so close to mine that I could count every freckle and trace every line. We were just talking - and we talked of marriage. We talked of how our kids got along so great - her oldest son is my son's best friend. She wanted to get her tubal reversed so we could have another kid. Gawd I loved her. Honest.

I also remember the day our affair broke. That was a horrendous day. Even though her Mom and family knew - and my family - no one else did. The world collapsed. Yet we stayed strong. She had to flee for her life. He was put in jail.

Our last night together in her new apartment is one that burns in my mind. I didn't know it would be the last day that I'd see her again. I can remember it so vividly. We were in bed and she were laying on my shoulder. And we talked about how finally it was real and in the open between us. And we talked about getting married. Little did she know that I had secretly been planning a trip to Sevierville...a trip to celebrate our "official" togetherness. She told me she was madly in love with me and that finally found the one who made her whole.

Then the next day happened. The day that everything came crashing down. The day I lost BPG. I fully believe that we could have made it. But, it is what it is.

So, you see, as much as we want to hate the OP, sometimes things happen for a reason and a lesson. My lesson? I judged too much. I don't think that the saying that there is a right/wrong time for a love to come into one's life is true - had I not made those mistakes, BPG and I would still be here.

[SteveLW]

I honestly don't know how someone going through what I am going through could turn around and do that to another human-being.

But that is just me.

[Dawgs]

Don't judge until you walked in the steps. Had I known from the beginning would I have done it? No. See, my ex wife cheated on me. And now she's marrying the OM. It is what it is.

We can hate the ex. We can even hate the other person. I did for a while until I realized it wasn't his fault. She pursued.

It took me a while after my divorce to gain footing. And BPG came along about a year after the divorce, at just the right time. I didn't learn of her being married until was well into it and by then it was too late.

[SteveLW]

I can honestly say, and I don't mean this as an attack or insult, that I will NEVER walk in your steps.

[Maika]

Jeep - I am sure you will get a world of hurt for posting that, and I commend you for doing it nonetheless. I had a number of things I wanted to quote and break it down from your post, but I don't want this to be a protracted type argument. I appreciate you sharing what you shared. But here are two things:

1. When BPG said she was separated, you didn't inquire into where her marriage was in terms of its grounding? separated doesn't mean divorced - both are very distinct things. Separated could still mean that there is a possibility that things could work out for recon.

2. What happened that blew up everything?

[Dawgs]

I can honestly say, and I don't mean this as an attack or insult, that I will NEVER walk in your steps.

I didn't take it that way in the least, my friend.

I wouldn't have done it. And I knew it was wrong. But by then, I was in too deep. I tried to leave a few times but she'd always come begging back.

It's the way the situation presented itself - it was very unique. We saw so much of each other - sometimes 2-3 times a day. We went out to eat with our kids - her son is my son's best friend in class. We went to movies. Just her and I went on day trips.

So you see, it isn't always so black and white. It's hard to describe. Now, I wouldn't do it again. Sometimes those things happen. We happened to cross paths at just the right time when we needed each other the most.

[Dawgs]

Maika,

Thanks for stopping by! And those are great questions. Yes, I expect flak as I have been the recipient of a cheater. I'm not sure why she came into my life at that exact moment, but I can honestly say she was what I needed to get myself over that hump from the divorce.

1. When BPG said she was separated, you didn't inquire into where her marriage was in terms of its grounding? separated doesn't mean divorced - both are very distinct things. Separated could still mean that there is a possibility that things could work out for recon.

I don't know why I didn't. It just worked out the way it did. We spent so much time together - like every day almost and talked/messaged more than ever before. Sure, I should have done a little digging, but here I was - out of my divorce for about a year and lonely, I guess. When I saw her at the Christmas party, I knew I had to meet her and take her out. She was "standoffish" at first, well at least until the birthday party, but afterward it took a while. We talked and talked. She never really said anything except the divorce is coming and never really talked about it, honestly. She'd bring her kids over a lot and ours would play, all the time. We talked and grew closer. Never did that really come into play.

2. What happened that blew up everything?

A lie on my part. When I first learned her age (27), I thought to myself that my I was too old (46 at the time), so I told her 41. Don't know why, honestly. But, come to find out that was the least of my worries. She likes older men. Her husband was 42 himself. And her family is like that, also. Plus, she has daddy issues I came to find out.

I wanted to tell her so many times but chickened out. We both have honesty high up on our ladders - yes, she mislead about the marriage but came clean early on. At any rate, it was her husband who broke it (less than a week from their divorce). He researched me and all and told her. She defended me like only someone madly in love would. And when she asked me, I confessed. She said she was made to look like a fool. She then went on to say that anything I said couldn't be trusted. And the arguments ensued. And things came out. And bad things were said. In the end, she said everything was a lie and told me not to contact her again. So that's it. That's the end of BPG and I. I truly thought that she was going to be the one. I thought we were going to make it. But I was wrong.

[SteveLW]

We both have honesty high up on our ladders

You might want to look the word honesty up in a dictionary.

[Dawgs]

We both have honesty high up on our ladders

You might want to look the word honesty up in a dictionary.

Bahaha. I get that. The age was my only lie. And hers, well, she came clean early on.

[Btrow]

Jeep,

No flak from here (you were actually the first to respond to my original post here, so you hold some credit).

In fact, I apreciate your post. It gives us so much knowledge on limerence. How it starts and also, as quoted on another website I've stumbled across noumerous times, that it normally ends. Badly. And you seem to have learned your lesson.

FWIW, my view on separation: intent to get divorced. Then again I'm from a different country than most of you, and we probably have another view on the subject. (just to clarify, I have never and do never intend to get involved with a person that is separated, I just happen to see it as similar to being divorced)